First post. Child with ODD and Adhd

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MeMyselfandIandkids, Jan 11, 2019.

  1. MeMyselfandIandkids

    MeMyselfandIandkids New Member

    Hello moms.
    So i just came accross this site looking on the web for advice about my daughter.
    Let me explain.
    Im 28 i have an eight year old daughter only child for now im 6 months pregnant with a boy. .shes not to happy. My daughter is diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. When she was younger eveyone said oh she gets that attitude from you but not knowing how extreme she really was at home.
    Anyways. I have so many questions.
    I had to make an account when i saw another mom post about her struggle with an ODD child and i seen the great support back. I feel no one understands or gets it. . They just ask why i cant make my kid listen. Ugh .
    So that brings me to my first question.. **Any of you have a child with Adhd Odd and married or with someone thats not the father.? Do they understand? I cant get my husband to understand at all. Hes aleays so frustrated .. That and i cant keep a baby sitter not even my mom will watch her. Shes very smart and so on top of difiant she gets to people in a way that she should be to young to act like .. But my husband just cant get how at 8 she wont listen she is so rude and i get its hard being the step parent. But can i fix that relationship?
    Next question, today i was google searching for ways to get my daughter to open up and different coping skills i can teach her.. Basically she wont talk to anyone not even a coucilor gets anywhere with her but she does talk to me. But i want to make the most of it so i set up 1 day a week where we go mom daughter time we do something fun in exchange she has to open up to me. She gets really upset and angry about things and stresses alot like more then me and at only age 8. **So what kind of things can i talk to her about or questions i can ask to make the most of this time and that will help her? When she does open up how can i get her to not stress? Or she says she cant control her anger and she cant be happy.. How do i fix tgat?
    Poor girl. Ugh ..

    Okay thabks for reading i think ill leave it at that for now. Thank you for any advice. All is accepted no offense will be taken. I just need some honest imput.
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Welcome! You are in the right place. We are all very familiar with the challenges of difficult children. I hope you find some feedback that is helpful to you and your situation.

    It sounds like you and your D have a great relationship and that is a wonderful thing for the both of you. I am sorry to hear that she is struggling so much. It's heartbreaking for a parent to see their child suffer - even more so when we are helpless to do much about it.

    One thing you can do, and it sounds like you've done this, is get her into counseling. You mention she hasn't connected with her counselors in the past, but maybe it's a question of finding someone she likes and trusts? Maybe not, but just making the suggestion.

    I don't know your opinion about medications, but some families find that the right medicines make a world of difference for their children. I have two stepsons. The eldest is now 18 and cannot function in society without medication, which unfortunately he refuses to take. The younger one is 17 and bipolar and requires medication as well. He is compliant with his medications fortunately.

    As far as your husband goes hopefully he will get to a point where he can join the two of you on your "daughter time" and she can begin to bond with him a bit more. What is her relationship like with her biological dad?

    How is she in school, is she in special education classes?

    More people will come along later to offer support too.

    Stick around and keep posting!
  3. MeMyselfandIandkids

    MeMyselfandIandkids New Member

    Thank you for the response!
    The medication topic! Oh how i have pondered this for so long. Its a hard choice. Because although i hear things are difderent now days and it can be so benificial i am stuck remembering the 90s where the kids on adhd type medications are just zombies. And her dad actually was on medication for the same thing as a child and it caused him to have long term heart issues because of it. My sister gradutated college studying ..why cant i think of the degree... Wow.. The degree that your theropist would have .. I feel dumb today. Lol and she suggests medication highly. I just havent made that leap mainly because last year when i had her in counciling finially it was brought on after her getting constant office referals. Also i had and have mayjor worries because she can be controling and abusive with animals which i feel is her way of controling the only thing she can thats smaller then her. But orriginally ..and because i watch to many murder mystery tv i couldnt help but think that thats how serial killers start out by hurting animals. (she didnt kill an animal, but threatened to kill a fish at school and locked some puppys up in a small cage things like that) anyways.
    This year she hasnt got in hardly no trouble at school no office write ups at all so ive backed off her case a little.
    As far as bio dad goes. They were close. She had all this trouble last year when he went to prison he just got out last week. Very concerned that if he lets her down were going to spiral down hill.

    Shes not in special classes shes actually asked to test to be in the tallented and gifted classes she is very smart. Which kind of makes it harder for her. She looks and talks to classmates like theyre dumb and she knows shes smart but her adhd effects this majorly becauuse she often will get things wrong because before teacher is done explaining directions she tunes out or she skips the instructions and just does it
    Which often leads to mistakes because she didnt read the question.

    Im very involved with her school and her school is very helpful but there is a family resource coucilor she really likes or liked. . She met with her twice a week. Until like 2 weeks ago i learned. This is what made me start wanting to have mom daughter talk time. She quit seeing this lady because even tho she likes and teust her and met with her for past 2 years. The questions got to personal and my d told me she just doesnt like talking to anyone i asked who she would talk to and for years and she confirmed im the only one she trust to open up to about her feelings. So i want to be able to do the most i can for her when she talks to me.
    I get why tho. I struggle with bipolar depression anxiety.. And alot of what she goes threw i understand and can give her a different way of looking at things. And i made a promise to her at 5 years old when she was to scared to tell me something .. And i felt horrible.. That if she ever needed to tell me anything or i ask anything ill never get mad or upset. Its been tested through the years but i kept that promise. I just wish that i was more helpful or knew more how to use our trust to help her.

    Anyways. Like with your step sons they are older but how old were they when medication first got used. I just feel shes to young. I put myself on antidepressants at age 16 but age 8 i feel can do long term damage. I don't know.
    Thanks again for the reply!

  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I stopped when you said "hurts animals." That is a very serious trait and yes is common in future abusers and has nothing to do wirh ADHD. Nothing. Its in the realm of Conduct Disorder and if she also pees and poops inappropriately and/or is interested in fire, those are the three danger traits for children who are headed for BIG problems and need extreme counseling. Its called The McDonald Triangle. We adopted a child who killed two dogs. He probably started out just hurting them. Guess what else he ended up.doing? He sexually abused our two babies and was taken away and we never saw him again. But the county pressed charges at age 13 and he was found guilty of first degree assault sexual of a child six years younger than him.

    Being mean to animals is never in any way normal. I hope you have no animals. If you do, rehome them before there is a tragedy. Then get super help for this kid. See a private psychiatrist. Schools dont hire the best and most skilled. There is hope with good help as she is so young, but the possible potential for her to become dangerous needs to be addressed TODAY.

    This type of behavior is more in common children adopted at older ages, from contentious divorces where main caregivers change a lot in the first three years and when they see chaos and abuse from 0-5. Also....i know this probablg doesnt apply to you but ingesting drugs or alcohol in the womb causes all sorts of problems and messes with the brain. +Yoy said to bebhonest. ThisTis very importanta mif youydrank or usedudrugs at all during your pregnancy). We adopted one boy with drugs in his system at birth. He is wonderful but he does have high functioning autism. It could have been much worse. Drugs on the brain of a developing fetus,cause problems. One bu ge of alcohol can do it....brain damage.

    I truly hope you heed the warning regarding getting professional help fir your daughter. You are not a profesdional. You cant help her alone. I dont want your little girl to even have a chance of ending up like this boy, who was 13 when he had to leave. He later admitted to doing horrible things by age 5 and the adults never knew.

    These types of kids are sneaky and deny fault like Golden Globe acting winners when accused of something really horrible. You will find it hard not to believe the denial.

    A third party psychiatrist or psychologist must get involved and be told everything. Kids open up with takes sometimes much time but they have to do it, not you. Dont try. You dont know how and are too close emotionally to the situation

    Sending prayers! The medications are not going to solve this particular issue.
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    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019
  5. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    I am with SWOT. When I read your line about the fish and puppies..OMG. That is a HUGE RED flag. If she has the kind of mean streak that will torment a puppy, want to kill a pet fish..what will she do to your baby? I sure as heck wouldn't be waiting to find out. She need help now. Right now.
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I didnt get to the part about the new baby! Lord! Keep that baby in your bedroom and lock the door and never leave her alone in a room with the baby. Ever. Your daughter is not safe and, yes, she may act very sweet to YOU about the baby while molesting the baby at night when everyone is sleeping. That is what happened with us. Son loved our dogs to our faces. When they were first strangled, we could not believe it had been him. But the police got him to admit it in detail and to admit the sexual abuse too.

    You are very young to be handling such a big problem with a child but this daughter is not safe. You need to believe it and help her with professionals for oldest and super protection for the baby.

    I hope you take this seiously. I wish we had paid more attention. We didnt know what he was doing and the littles were too scared of him and his threats to tell us about him. Plus we are animal lovers and killing the dogs was another trauma. My husband and I are very close and CPS gave us wonderful free treatment. It saved our family.

    You will have CPS in your face if your daughter harms any living thing in school. It will be reported. And investigated.

    Get her help.

    Never let her near your new baby unless you are right there. I dont know her history, but your daughter is very damaged and you dont want to have the second baby be collateral damage.

    Much love.
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019
  7. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    This mom is 6 months pregnant. She has time to get this little girl into therapy, and needs/has to move fast on it.
    MMIK, who do you plan on having stay with your daughter while you have the baby? You said at this point no one will watch her.
    After you bring the baby home you can't ever leave it unattended, even while it is sleeping with this little girl around.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I agree with you

    This is much more complicated than ADHD. Something more went on and the girl is not safe around any baby.

    Suspect drugs in utero or the girl was abused .....I want this young woman not to go through what we did. Animal abuse is extremely serious. It screams out for very intensive mental health services. It must be terribly serious when Grandma wont even watch her. GRandmas fight to watch their grandkids. I do!

    Something is very wrong here. Far more than ADHD.
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019
  9. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    The Macdonald Triad is something you might want to read about. I don't want to frighten you, but the part about hurting animals is very troubling.
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

  11. Outdoorlover

    Outdoorlover New Member

    There's great input in the previous responses. This brings me back to my now 24 year old daughter. I had a counselor tell me in her teenage years that she could no longer see her because they were not having therapeutic conversations and to continue to see her would be committing insurance fraud. We made the rounds to various counselors without success.

    I currently see a counselor to discuss my daughter who has been in and out of jail and psychiatric hospitals. She has one child and another child on the way. She just left my home after living rent free, food free, and free babysitting while she was supposed to work and save so she could move out and provide for her child. Instead, she got pregnant! She left after 20 months without a penny saved.

    My first suggestion is for you to see a counselor. It would be even better for your husband to join you in these sessions. My rationale for this is that you and him need support as a couple to have a united front and approach to your daughter. It appears there may be some disagreements in how to manage your daughter and a counselor could help you work thru this as a couple. Please, if you disagree as a couple regarding your daughter, talk out your disagreements in private and show a united front. Mothers have a more soft caring side. My husband is not her father either and we married two years ago. He could not believe how disrespectful she was to me while living at home. He also could not believe how I accepted it and he stated that I am so used to it I don't even recognize her disrespect. Sad to say, after 3 years of counseling...I find that I could save the time and money and listen to my husband because my counselor usually says the same thing he says. That may not be what you want to hear and may not be true in your situation but I am more emotional.

    Also, start journaling and bring this to your counseling sessions.

    I cannot put my finger on it but do not allow your daughter to manipulate you during mother/daughter times. She is still very young and the teenage years are usually worse. Your mother won't babysit and your husband is frustrated. Get into counseling with your husband if he will go. You said yourself she is very smart and she probably knows what emotions to tug on with you. I am just realizing that how much my daughter lied to me in the past.

    You and your husband have alot of work to do together to help your daughter and your unborn child. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.