More "wait and see"

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kalahou, Mar 30, 2016.

  1. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Wait and see ... Again ... It seems to be a running theme through the days of our lives.

    This is the week I had thought my son would have his trial / court proceedings. He has been in jail since a January 25th waiting. I did not bail him out of jail, although he initially asked me to, and he had also asked for us to agree to sponsor supervised released, which we did not. To re-cap my situation, son (36 yrs) left our home last November at our request, because of the same old issues repeatedly detailed on this forum. He had been in our house for 18 months following his unpleasant divorce. Toward the end of his time staying with us, I suspected drug use (due to some observed behaviors), but he would never admit to it, and I never actually saw it.

    These past 2 months in jail, he has called me a few times, mainly (perhaps only) to speak with his children (my 2 grands) who visit with us every other weekend and were here this past week during spring break. When son has called, he has never volunteered any info about his stay in jail. He has never asked for money. He knows I am detaching and not enabling, as I have told him so. Therefore, when he has called, I asked very few questions, so there has been minimal communication. I did mail him a few short notes at jail, to let him know when his children would be at our house, and to tell him we love him and believe he can work things out, and that it is up to him only regarding if / when he wants change in his life enough to take some action.

    Son had previously told me that he would be in jail until March 28th , which was supposed to be date of his trial. However, this weekend when he called, he told me the date had been postponed to sometime in May. I did not ask why, but simply replied “OK, well, we will keep in touch. Take care.”

    Then I found out more news yesterday because I called the prison intake person to ask another question about mail procedures. I also asked if she could give me any updated info on my son, and she told me son is now scheduled for court on May 31st. This is a full 2 more months of waiting, which seems a long time, but son is probably used to the day to day routine by now. I'm praying they have some kind of activities or job to occupy some of the day.

    The intake person also told me that my son had an assessment of some kind done, and it looked like he was now being referred for “drug court” or “veteran court”. I asked what that meant since my son does not have drug charges. I asked if that meant that the his assessment had revealed that he had some substance issues. She said "maybe." She also said that this development might mean that he would get released on probation. The way she told me was kind of tentative, so I don't know if she really didn’t know or if she can't tell me everything. She asked me if son was a veteran, and I explained he had been in the National Guard years ago.

    My gut guessing / understanding of this new information leads me to think that if son had been referred for an assessment and they determined drug court was an option / need, then that means he has a drug problem. Perhaps he either displayed drug behavior or he shared that he has a problem with the person who did the assessment. But I am also thinking now that referring someone to Drug Court could (hopefully) be a positive move (?) I’m thinking if drugs are part of son’s problem and he volunteered this info to an assessment person, this is progress for him. At least this possibility puts a reason / cause for his downward spiral these last years. Knowing the truth is liberating. (Do I dare have any hopeful thoughts about him at all?) Do any of you know anything about these terms of drug court or veteran court, or how /why etc. inmates get referred for assessments?

    I’ve been digesting this info the last day, and at times have felt uplifted and thankful about the whole current situation, believing that "all works for good in some way." But that feeling could just be from my relief that he will still be in jail for 2 more months, meaning 2 more months of relative peace of mind for me. I have been visiting the forum here every day. None of this is easy for any of us. I keep you all in thoughts as we all work through our journeys on similar paths and help each other along the way. I give thanks for us all together in this safe supportive place.

    I’ve also been reading Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend) per Childofmine’s recommendation, and just keep learning / practicing to “Love more by caring less.” This is the only way I can help my son and help myself and others. Little by little, it’s gradually coming into clearer focus, with a release of fear, and a tentative confidence that we are going to be alright. It's all good. Ola ka maika’i

    Take care. Mahalo nui. ~ Kalahou.
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  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi Kalahou, I remember well how I would get my mind around a certain date and then the date would change, with Difficult Child, and I would try to get my mind around that new information and what it meant.

    First, my good friend ran the Drug Court here in our County and I've been to talk with those parents several times about Al-Anon. I think Drug Court is Great! It is a very solid chance for people to be accountable to a defined process and program, with ongoing drug tests, requirements about life skills classes and group work with other participants, a requirement to work, etc. If you don't comply, you can go back to jail. So for most, that is a deterrent and it's again a chance to learn how to navigate life without drugs. And it's overseen by a judge and a staff including social workers.

    It will be up to him to make it work. He can make it work, or not. For you, please claim this as a second chance for him. You also have to qualify to get in, so clearly they think he can qualify. My son was never referred there, and there were many many times I wish he would have been.

    Yes! You have a reprieve from whatever comes next, and he has two more months to hopefully decide that he never wants to go back there again.

    Kalahou---hang in there. You are working on YOU and this development gives you more time to work on you, which is an incredible gift, knowing he is somewhere with 3 squares and a cot.

    We're here for you as you navigate this hard journey. Warm hugs this morning.
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  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Kalahou, Sorry I do not know any answers to your question but wanted to share my support here. You are doing so well. I am glad to read in COMs response that your son has a chance to be involved in a good program that can help him move towards finding his purpose and meaning.
    Good things are worth waiting for. Praying that he will take advantage of this opportunity to start anew.
  4. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Kalahou. Such a roller coaster you've been on. I'm sorry for your tough journey. but I'm glad for hope (?drug court) and a 2 mo. reprieve. You are right, he's probably used to the routine now anyway.
    I Am so impressed with the strength it took to respond in this are strong. I may tatoo this quote to my forehead.;)
    Thank you for sharing today. Prayers.
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thank you for sharing this update with us.

    You sound so very good, so very strong.

  6. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Thanks all for your comments and support. It is such a relief and comfort to know others understand and that we are not alone in our heads and hearts with all this. Just having a place to get it all out sure clears the mind.

    COM, I appreciate the detailed explanation of the drug court. It does sound like a good program for those who want to commit to it. It is now "more wait and see" whatever comes next. If he does get the chance to be involved in a good program, we will again wait and see, as it will be up to him to make it work. I honestly am not sure he can stick to such a regimen, certainly not in the state I last saw him a few months ago and when he was with us. No way. But again it is only up to him, and perhaps with me out of the enabling picture, he is growing some wings now. ~ ~ I just know that I am not involved. There is nothing for me to do ... just patiently wait and see at this point.

    Over the next months, I will be hopeful but with released caring and detachment. I know now son can never come back in the home with us as he was before. I believe he knows that too, so that is good. It’s definitely a learning process for everyone, day by day. I am staying relatively peaceful about it all. Perhaps it's the ignorance is bliss & out of sight / out of mind thing. But I am making strides on the feelings and acceptance of detachment, and what I will and can do, and what I won't and can't do, etc.

    Mahalo all. Thoughts, prayers, and Aloha ~ Kalahou
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2016
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I will be hopeful with you Kalahou. Definitely a big learning process. You are growing stronger with each post, and that helps me to stay the course. Thank you so much for being here and sharing your thoughts and strength, compassion and prayers. We are not alone.