my 19yr old daughter makes terrible choices and I'm afraid for her safety

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by aws0107, Dec 4, 2015.

  1. aws0107

    aws0107 New Member

    I Don't even really know where to start. my 19 year old daughter had her own apartment but the side of the car was more important So she gave up her place and moved in with my mom. She's basically just there to sleep and shower. she used to be a really good kid and was very happy and ambitious, was involved in dance, ballet, local theater and had a lot of friends was very happy. When she got her drivers license and join the poms squad at her high school things took a turn for the worst. the coach let a lot of girls on the squad That were troublemakers. My daughter started hanging out with these troublemakers started meeting guys from a bad part of town that were selling drugs have guns things like that. at one point one of the girls decided to bring a knife to our House and left it Here unbeknownst to me. When this girl decidedthat she did not like my daughter any longer She asked my daughter to bring the knife to school which stupidly, she did. She got kicked out of school and ended up going to an alternative program she did manage to get done with her junior and senior year in two semesters but meanwhile was loading her car out to a guy that did not have a driver's license and was dealing drugs. She let him use her and let him use her car a lot. at one time she had a lot of plans to go into the military or go to college out of town. A couple of years ago she got into a fight with a girl over this loser guy. She also ended up getting jumped by 6 girls who really tried to cause a lot of bodily harm to her since then, she has had constant problems with girls following her around and threatening her. They break her car windows flatten her tires. I have heard some disturbing information through the grapevine, that because she's the only white girl that hangs out with all the black guys that she has become a target. I have recently been told things like she has been seen selling drugs she has been videotaped having sex with multiple guys at one time under the influence of alcohol. I've heard that she has been drinking excessively on occasion. she has three friends right now that are 25 year old guys who don't work and suspiciously have a lot of money .n I'm not stupid. I cannot handle this anymore and feel embarrassed, disgusted and disappointed. the next thing on her agenda is to rent a house in her name while these three guys pay for it and stay there once in awhile. I know they're just using her for her vehicle which they drive all of the time, and her money she does have a job that she works regularly and does a good job at. I just don't know what I can do. She cannot be talked to she gets angry and hateful she hangs up the phone won't talk to me tells me its not my business I just don't know what to do any advice anybody has would be greatly appreciated
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi. I didn't want you to feel unwelcome.

    I don't really have any advice that will help you change your daughter.Sounds like drugs are a problem and drug users hang with bad kids/adults. Drug life is dangerous. My daughter got assaulted in a park once when she used drugs. She did not listen to a nything we tried to do...she was just a minor, but she still didn't, but she did quit.

    Others will come along and give you better feedback. I do know it's healthy to focus off of what you can't control and focus on yourself, the one person you CAN cotrol...and try to learn to live a happy life even though your adult child is not currently making that choice. We have mostly learned to live our lives in spite of what our children are doing...

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
  3. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Yeah first thing first your daughter is quite naive and easily influenced even more so when in love. Parents here can tell you more when I say that when in love you do very stupid decisions. The good part is you grow out of it at some point and you are more critical about your next partner the bad part is it takes way to much time to get to the good part.
    But this of course is common knowledge and just part of realities of life.
    Now what you can do well you can detach there is a article on detachment on this forum if you want you can read it. The thing is in your case this probably is the best option as unlike many other adult children on this forum she does not depend on you in any way which means you have little ways of influencing her.
    I also suggest you take those information through the grapevine with a ton of salt as there might be morel lies then truths especially because she has quite a number of people who wish her harm.
    Now what you can also do is try to get close to her and try no to point her lifestyle or choices I know as parents its hard to stop from trying to stop them from their destructive choices but for now there is a wall between you and her and the best way might be to forget the flaws and try to get on her good side. Try to talking about non drug or boys issues like her work and other trivial things.
    I know this works with my youngest if I wanna have any conversation with him talk about things I have no issue with.
    Sorry for what you are going trough.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi, AWS, I am very sorry for your hurting mom heart, it is so tough.
    When our adult d c's act like our homes are rest stops, this is not fair. I feel for your mom in this, to be taken advantage of by her grandaughter.
    It is rather scary too, because of the folks she hangs out with.
    I am sad for you AWS, it is really hard when our kids go south and get mixed up with the wrong crowd. Drugs change everything.
    She is still in there, underneath it all.
    Just not right now. I am sorry.
    This is really scary AWS.
    You have described some very risky behavior regarding your daughter and her cohorts.
    You must be afraid for her and your own safety.
    We have hopes and dreams for our d c's. When things go wrong, it is very hard on us. You have done your parenting.
    Your daughter is young, but an adult in the laws eyes.
    We would like our d c's to make better choices, but it really is up to them.
    There is not much you can do, it is up to your daughter.
    This is screaming in my head right now, so I will write it.
    This is just me....if I knew my daughter was running around with dealers with guns I would make a call- in our State we have an anonymous crime hotline. Even if it meant my girl going to jail, I would rather that than something worse.
    I would say the biggest business that is yours, is that she is living with your mom, and this sounds dangerous to me. I am sorry AWS, but this is the truth. If your girl insists on this lifestyle, it is unfair of her to subject her family to it.
    There is an excellent article on loving detachment that A Dad mentioned. I read it a lot.
    If our d c's are bent on continuing this kind of lifestyle, it is best to take a step back.
    Most here will tell you, that our d c's do not grow under our watchcare. They need to find their own way.
    It is true what A Dad said about conversation with d c's. They do not need lectures, they know what is up. I have learned to keep calls short. "I love you, I want the best for you." I also pray a lot. This helps me.

    I am sorry for all of your troubles AWS. This is a hard journey for us. Keep on posting, it helps.
    You are not alone.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi AWS

    I agree with the other posters. She has no business drawing your mother with her into her dangerous choices. I would level with my mother and I would tell my daughter straight off. Get your mess away from my mother.

    Your daughter seems to not take responsibility for her choices, and you too, seem to see her as a victim of others' bad choices: the coach letting questionable kids in, carrying the knife to school, getting jumped, etc.

    The reality seems to be otherwise: She seems to seek out trouble. You know the saying about that.

    I do not see what your leverage is with her. She is an adult in the eyes of the law. She is self-sufficient except for living with your Mom.

    I would think seriously about New Leaf's counsel to call the hotline.

    The thing about the gossip is this: A lot of may be untrue. But bad things you do not know about could be happening, too. With the 3 guys. I would worry about sexual pressure on her. I am trying to speak in euphemisms here. There are a lot of reasons to make that call. Some of them, you may not know.

    You will at least know that you have done everything you can do.

    I did really crazy things for a time in my youth. Nobody in my family knew. I outgrew it. I was working and taking care of myself.

    Eventually I wised up. Either she will or she won't. I think she will. She sounds like a smart girl who is walking on the wild side. It will play itself out. Let us pray she comes out of it unscathed. I pretty much did.

    Meanwhile, we are glad you are here. All of us have been through something similar with our children. You will receive a great deal of support and good counsel here. We care about you.

    This is the time now to take care of yourself.

    You are not responsible for her bad choices. There is no reason for shame. It is not your fault. Past a certain point we do not have control.

    She will learn.

    Last edited: Dec 4, 2015
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    AWS, I am reading again the title of your thread. You are afraid for her safety.
    This is worth considering.

  7. aws0107

    aws0107 New Member

    I appreciate everyone's input. I can't help feeling like a failure though. She is mad today and left my mom's saying she'll be beck tomorrow. I guess she has been looking at houses to rent telling my mother that she was moving but that these 3 would take care of the rent and "stay there sometimes". The owner now wants her to get a cosigner but she's mad thinking my mom said something to him. (She obviously did but just that he should look at income proof) I don't understand how she thinks this is ok and doesn't see she is being taken advantage of...i just don't. Also, I can't call the police and risk her going to jail as she has a full time job she would lose.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    First, of all, she is very young. This may just be stage. Second, it is not your failure. You have no control over her, just yourself. Third, feeling as if you failed, does not help anything.
    If you believe she is in danger, what are your options? She got one job. She can get others.

    If she is at risk, and there is criminal activity happening around her, she may be being victimized and at risk of it escalating.

    There are always more jobs.

    I do not know what you should do, either.

    If she is doing something criminally wrong, or something is happening criminally around her, is it not better to act to nip it in the bud? If you can. Is it not enabling to permit her to continue? Or is it overstepping your role? I do not know. Perhaps others will.

    If you believe she is at risk, and you can act to perhaps stop it, is it right or wrong to do so? I do not know what the answer is. But you do have options.

    Have you thought of going to therapy for yourself? You are under a great deal of pressure. This is very hard. The worry, and not knowing what to do. What you should do.

    Last edited: Dec 13, 2015
  9. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Well lets put it this way if the police is tipped to put it like that how would they proceed would they investigate and then make a arrest or make the arrest and then investigate?
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi A dad, I am not even sure what the process would be. There are other resources available as well. It depends on where folks are living.I am just saying there is a safety issue for AWS daughter and her family, with the crowd she is running with.
    Maybe there is a drug hotline, with knowledge of the area, where she can get advice and suggestions on what to do. It is difficult to do anything, AWS if your daughter chooses to run with this sort of people. I would definitely suggest, helping your mom to be safe.

    My eldest is involved with some very shady types, and didn't think anything of bringing them around our home. This was and is one of the reasons we cannot have her here.

    Aside from the reality that we cannot help her, by trying to help her.

    I called the police, when our home was broken into, and I am pretty sure, my daughter was the culprit. When I did this, she hightailed it out of here.
    It is sad, we can't force our d cs to make better choices.
    We can involve authorities to try to ensure our safety.
    In the long run, I think it is worth a try, to get information and some kind of direction.

    This is potentially a very dangerous situation as evidenced by this statement....
    Did she get police involved over this AWS? How is she protecting herself?
    I agree, drug life is very dangerous.

    People high on drugs commit acts they never would imagine, or their families would never imagine.

    This hit home hard for me, a few years back, a young man I had coached who was troubled at 13, involved with pot that escalated to meth, ran with the wrong crowd, lived with his grandmother. He attended college.
    Grandma was trying to help him.
    In a meth induced psychosis, he ended up hurting his grandmother.

    I am not saying your girl could be capable of this, but it does happen.

    I do not know her choice of drugs.

    My daughter still does not admit to her meth use.
    She has all kinds of confabulated stories.
    She even faked working, getting up in the morning, leaving the house as if she was working.
    This went on for awhile.
    I do know, when I see her, her mood swings go from incredible highs, to extreme lows.

    AWS, do you know what drugs your daughter is involved with?

    Copa is right, this is not your failure. We all have run the gamut of these kinds of feelings. It is natural to grieve over our d cs choices.

    They are just that, their choices.
    Is your mom trying to protect your girl, from living with these dealers?
    This is a concern, and dangerous territory. People involved in dealing, are not nice people.

    Please forgive my strong message, and repeating myself, but the drugs and guns.....scary, scary stuff.

    I truly hope that you are able to find some solutions AWS.
    This is a very tough place to be in for your family.
    I am very sorry for these troubles. You are not alone.

  11. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    For her own safety considering how dangerous her friends might be maybe you should advise your mother to try at least to not block in any way your daughter from moving from her home.
    It could be dangerous for her. I have a question.
    What do you mean by?
    Did she actually owned a apartment?
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I would like to add one thing to Leafies excellent response.

    Although it isn't fair for your daughter to drag anyone else intno her trouble, your mother can't be controlled either. If she wants to do it and won't heed your warnings, you have no choice but to accept it. You can only control what one person does...yourself. I'm sure you warned your mother and I'm sure she will eventually get fed up and see what you mean. But don't fret about how to save your mother either. That is up to your mother. We have absolutely no control over the actions of other adults.

  13. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    My girls biomom did similar things. She had a car, and was loaning it to a guy, often. I found out that drug dealers borrow someone's car, give the owner of the car some free drugs, then uses the car to make drug deals. This way, if he is caught, her car gets impounded, while his nicer, more expensive one doesn't.

    So sad. I wish I had advice to offer you. Ksm
    • Informative Informative x 1
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  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you ksm for sharing this. There are ways of this drug world that I am totally unaware of. This is valuable information, for those of us on the outside, looking in.


  15. aws0107

    aws0107 New Member

    She texted me last night that she was frustrated and refuses to be questioned. Also that she's trying to grow up and "become an educated adult especially since I'm not in school right now" I don't know if she is doing drugs or if she's "helping" sell I just don't know. I guess all I can do is back off
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi AWS, I hope things are going better for you today. This is all so difficult. Whether your girl is selling or using, she has very risky behaviors. There is an article on detachment at the top of this forum page that gives some really good insight on how we can live our lives despite what our d c's are involved with. Your daughter is young 19, is so young. My eldest started acting out young, too. She just seemed to be drawn to the lawless crowd. I wish I knew then, what I am learning now.
    Stay with us and keep on posting, it is really helpful. So many folks have been where you are at. You are not alone.
  17. aws0107

    aws0107 New Member

    Thanks.. ugh
  18. aws0107

    aws0107 New Member

    New development..daughter called friday, very excited about going back to dance, boxing or something. Found a part time job she thought she wanted to apply for couldn't wait to tell gma. My mom said she heard her come in around 1 am but when she got up in the morning, my daughter and a lot of her personal items were gone. My mom texted her and said it would've been nice to get a note or text that she was not coming home my daughter replied totally pissed off that she knew how she left things and not to touch her things etc. Clearly she thinks my mom took or went through something which she swears she didnt. My kid has been gone all weekend and won't answer her phone or a text. I'm very worried about her and don't know what to think right now. Considering who and where she hangs out, anything could be the case but I have no way of knowing. She is supposed to be at work at 9 tomorrow. I don't know what to do
  19. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Don't try to guess. Clearly she is not ready to change and has not changed and is lying and maybe doesn't want anyone going through her things because there may be drugs or something else bad.

    You can't do anything. Nothing. Nada. What CAN you do? You can't make her go to work. That's all on her.

    So if you can stop guessing what your daughter may or may not do because if you know or don't know, it doesn't change anything. If you can distract yourself, do something nice for YOU. Your daughter is an adult and will sink or swim on her own. It is harmful to us to spend our lives trying to guess their next moves. See a movie, visit a friend, find a family member who is functional and loving and have fun...there is no way to control a daughter of her age. It is out of your hands. If you are religious, give her to God to care for. If not, tell yourself that you can only control one person...yourself...and try to find serenity and peace. Meditate maybe? Many good meditations to follow on YouTube.Neever done it before? Think you can't? Yes, I didn't think I could either, but I used YouTube's meditations to try and I always feel so relaxed afterwards.

    Hugs for your poor hurting heart. We are there with you, holding your hand.
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I do not know where these d cs are coming from. Shouldn't one be grateful for a place to live, especially with grandma? Where does the idea come from, that a request for decency and respect should be answered in such a way?
    Totally pissed off?
    The nerve! How rude and disrespectful.
    Daughter is running the show, and she knows it.
    I do not think anything can be done at this point, aws, she has made it quite clear that she will do whatever she wants, and "dammit do not touch my stuff."
    So, everybody backs off, and allows this to continue?
    I understand your concern and worry, but it seems that your d c will do as she pleases.
    This is hard to go through after you have conversations like this, like parts of her are coming back. I have been through this too, aws, with my two d cs, it sure is confusing to us moms. I do not know about your girl, but mine, their moods can swing on a dime. They have most folks walking on eggshells around them. We tried so many times to help, thinking that they meant what they said, but then it would all go south.
    It is tough on anyone. We want the best for our kids, but they have to want it too.
    I am so sorry for your heartache.

    This is such very good advice. What else can you do? Our kids are going to go down a path when they become adults, we only have control over ourselves. It is very important to recognize this early on. Take it from a mom who has gone through this for years and years. My eldest has been acting out since 13-she is 36.
    I have finally come to realize that I cannot help her, fix her, yada, yada. Spent countless hours worrying and fretting. Wasted all of those years on a hamster mill going nowhere.

    Do something kind for yourself aws. You have value, and you matter.
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2015