My 40 year Old Daughter stole 10's of Thousands from me - what I did and where I am now

[2much2recover]

Newbie here, QUICK FACTS: My adult daughter is 40 years old. I have been married to my husband for 25 years; it is a May/December Romance. I am desperately ill from an illness that is progressive, incurable and no known consistent treatment. This disease is one of THE worst pain diagnosises one can have. My husband and I worry about my future care as my daughter is an only child and cannot be trusted to in any way be "there" for me. In fact she is so skilled in legal she should get an honorary law degree. My child was not abused in any way shape or form and I have beat my own head against the wall so many times trying to figure out what went wrong but I know except the fact that she operates with sociopath behavior. She only operates in either of 2 ways - control or manipulate.

I just finished reading Jeanne CA's heart breaking story and since I am once again in pain from the situation my daughter has caused me I thought I would write a little of what happened to us, (husband and I) what's happened since, how I hit bottom and re-built myself and what is currently going on.

Maybe I should have seen what was to come when my daughter was in her teens and I was called by another parent to hand me a letter received (from their son) they had intercepted written by my daughter to find an untraceable way to poison me. To death!

I could go on and on about all the other problems but suffice it to say - I was convinced by others that I was dealing with "just" a very difficult teen/young adult. But after every hurtful action on her part I would just with-draw myself from her and not speak with her for months/years at a time.

Through one of these not speaking times, my daughter went behind my back and began having conversations about starting a business with my husband, a retired businessman and entrepreneur. My husband then convinced me once again that my daughter had changed and it was time once again for me to forgive and forget. But forgetting was the last thing I would do because out of what I knew about past experiences with dealing with her. So my husband helped her to set up a business using my money (keeping "ours" safe to take care of us for the rest of our lives) I put up the money with a 70/30 split - mine being the 30 because I was already ill at that time and felt, fairly, since I would be unable to actually work, (not on disability at the time) it was a "fair" way to set things up. The only problem is that there is no "fair" to a sociopath, which I did not that what I was dealing with at the time.

Although the business was very successful and we had two offices at one time and around 25 employees, we had problems from the beginning where my daughter would not let my husband handle ANY of the business paperwork, reports etc. almost from when the ink dried on the paperwork. So begins the theft and stealing. While I got a salary of 30K my daughter was getting one of 300k and all she could steal. Then she started to come in less and less to work - out spending money on every cruise or vacation she could spend money on. With her out of the office more and more, my husband began to look over business paperwork and we discovered that she was stealing 10's of thousands of dollars from me, which he then copied the relevant paperwork. We saw a lawyer but he said since she was the majority owner we were lucky I was getting anything at all. So we took our names off of everything that we could as far as credit or other types of business responsibilities and of course SHE SPENT the business into the ground - which she, of course now, says she was left holding the bag in the end. Well duh, yeah, she spent every $ that came in so in the end it was her responsibility to clean up the mess she created. Oh, but also, she fired me, causing me to lose my health insurance. Oh and calling my husband - "A Mother F***ing Bastard"
And running up MY Sam's Club card to 4k in gift cards in one month (I did not use the credit part of the account) well that was the end for me and I did not speak again to her for over 4 years.

See Part 2

 

[2much2recover]

PART 2: Daughter stole 10's of Thousands from me - what I did and where I am now.

When I found out that my daughter had stolen from me I was very hurt, enraged, let me just say emotionally devastated. If one can have an emotional breakdown at home I had one. I could no longer live in denial.
I blocked all my numbers, email, Facebook etc. I wanted nothing to do with her. I think my tipping point came when everything fell apart and my husband called her, as instructed by her, to see when she was going to pay the money for yet another tax bill we were being taxed for, for money she took and directed the CPA to report it as our income. She had told my husband to call her after he figured out the recent "mistake" and she would return the money. Instead she blasted him with every foul curse word she could hiss at him and told him to F**k off. I had taken that kind of emotional abuse for years because I am the mother - but my husband (her step-father) is a kind and wonderful man and had never done anything to her, he had always been kind and generous to her and only wanted the best for her. I could take a stand for him when I wasn't able to take a stand for myself.

After my "breakdown" I started the long journey towards discovering that my daughter is what I call a sociopath. I say that because she has not been formally diagnosed, however, she HIGHLY fits the profile.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like one..............................

I went into therapy to help me to deal. I need to add here, after we had started the business I busied my time taking care of my sister who was developmentally delayed. She became the daughter I could nurture and not get hurt by. Because of my own disabilities she did not live with me but I was very active in her life, even becoming her legal guardian. This was one person in my life who deserved my nurturing, my love, care and attention. Our relationship kept me going because I could re-focus my attention, not on what someone was doing to hurt me but what I could do to help my sister. She became my daughter.

I maintained strictly NO CONTACT for over 4 years.

Fast forward and I was blindsided by the death of my beloved sister by a severe seizure. The pain of losing her was excruciating and again I found myself emotionally in a pit of despair.

I don't know how, but somehow, my daughter wiggled her way back into my life. Maybe because I was so emotionally weak after losing my sister - which as most of you know is when sociopaths pounce.

Anyway, we spent the last year on fairly friendly but neutral turf. I, however never brought up the money she had stolen from me - and she has tried all kinds of manipulative things to get me to "react". But I am now too educated and healed to fall into her traps again - so when would see the manipulation coming I would just talk around whatever point she was trying to get to. I knew bringing up the money would just mean an explosion on her part. Still something in the past few weeks has made me want to confront the issue. Most likely because I have had intuitive feelings about her, her actions of being fairly bland towards my husband, I am getting sicker, and she figures it is only a matter of time before my husband dies (he is healthy and has no issues currently besides age) and then she can move in on me and our money.

During the time we have been "talking", with me being sick, she has brought up how she will take care of me when I am older. Which in my head sounds like this "I bet you will, right until you spend ever cent I have"
So I always say no I am wanting to make my own plans. So this week she finally asked me why I don't trust her to "take care" of me and I told her and HOLY EXPLOSIONS - what a liar I am LOL. "How can I be so mean, cruel and ugly to accuse her of being the kind of daughter that steals from her mother???" Well the kind that has physical paperwork to prove it is my answer, oh and a lawyers bill to boot. A lot of F U's and F**k Off's. And I especially love this part " I am not to contact her again until I am ready to apologize to her for my accusing her of stealing from her" ending with a F**K Off.

Really?? Same person who was going to throw "the best mother in the world the greatest birthday ever" - we went out to eat at a diner and my husband paid. Or "we have been apart for so long this Mothers Day is going to be your best ever" only to be followed up with a typed "loving" letter (puke, puke") and a half bag of Dove chocolates??? How when she said she wanted to 'cuddle with me" I am sorry to say but after the hell I have been through, feeling extremely guilty for feeling it I felt repulsed when she would say it.

I have gotten to a place where I don't trust anyone anymore. I find myself isolating myself more and more and being afraid of the world, ( I have suffered from agoraphobia because of my dealings with her) because if this is how your own family will treat you - how can you trust others. I don't feel safe in the world at all. I have, in the past, strongly felt for the safety and well being of both my husband and myself - yes murder. This is one of the reasons I am going back into therapy - I cannot continue to live this way.

Obviously I am not talking to my daughter at this time. Since a lot of you have shared the same types of betrayal how do you think I should proceed. I want to go back to blocking everything (phones etc.) but once again those around me are encouraging me to go against my instincts and "trust" her - just not with money??? CRAY CRAY!!

I could really use support and it looks very much like I will find it here. Sometimes, no matter what hell I have been through - how much I need to protect yourself, I still feel like the for feeling this way about my own child. I know I am living in reality but it is so hard to stay strong when you are bombarded with delusion.
Thanks everyone in advance, Erika

 

[BusynMember]

I will give you my two cents and take what you like; leave the rest.

Your daughter is no doubt a sociopath or a psychopath...not sure there is a difference. I thought my son could be so I went on a major education spree to learn all I could about this. Your daughter fits the profile perfectly, therefore you will never be safe around her. I am shocked at your husband too!!! WHAT WAS HE THINKING??? Was he involved with her??? Yeesh!!!!

Hon, most people are not like your daughter. And I'm sooooooooooooooo sorry that your daughter has no conscience at all and would swindle you again, but you know she will. Heck, she may even want you to leave the world fast so she can inherit. Make sure she is disinherited and make sure she knows it...that is only my opinion. You can leave her everything if you like, but don't let her know it.

I don't think you need to shut out the world because of your daughter. Most people have controls that would stop them from doing what she does. You need people. We all do. But I would not trust this daughter. I'd be afraid of her. I have been afraid of my son. He is a bit of a con artist too, but he wouldn't go so far as to con ME.

Very few of us have gone through the extreme betrayal that you have. Not to that degree. But most of us have had something stolen from us by our adult children and that hurts. However, it was not a long, premeditated cold and calculated plan, including our husbands!!! Yikes!

Did you ever read "Without Conscience" by Robert Hare?

Also, who are you talking to about your daughter? Most people probably don't even believe you, even family. I would just do what you know is imperative for your safety and ignore what others tell you. I would not share your daughter's escapades with anybody...they are not taking it seriously and are not concerned enough about you. If you are still married to the guy who set your daughter up in business...well, I don't know what to say about him. I think he is as bad as your daughter and that they may be in cahoots. I know I could be way off, but it sounds really fishy to me. Maybe he is not safe for you either. I am thinking that the man who did that and your current husband are two different men???

Hugs for your confused and hurting head and heart.

 

[2much2recover]

Yes it is my husband that helped set us up in business - because he wanted us to succeed - and he was conned by her as well. She played on his ego of what a great businessman he is. The deal was that HE was to be in charge of (successfully) running the business and she would do what she is good at - sales (yeah conning people I know now) My husband was just as naive to her ways as I was. He suggested this as a way for both my daughter and I to have a successful business - together. He didn't steal but because of his business savvy he recognized that things just weren't adding up. She let him come into the office - but would give him "worthless work" to do and so he was only there a few hours a week because she was also so dysfunctional at work and would act inappropriately in the office - i.e. screaming at the employees etc. Because she behaved the way she did the employees would come to my husband to "report" things she did, ways she was spending money and such. Office gossip focused on the wicked witch of the office. Of course they were all to scared of her to say anything to her face. Neither of us were EVER "allowed" to see the true financials because she knew quite well what she was up to and she wasn't about to share that with us - especially because just looking he would know something was wrong. Also I don't think for a while he really thought she was capable of stealing from her own mother until he faced the black and white himself. HE NEVER stole a dime, but once she stopped coming into the office he was able to snoop around and UNCOVERED the paperwork that showed her theft and then brought the paperwork to me and we visited the lawyer together. My husband financially takes care of me in every way and there is no problem there.
I am now, too, on disability - but it cost us a lot of money for health insurance while I was waiting to get Medicare because she fired me from my own company.

Sorry if I wasn't clear about my husbands role - but we are still very much together and both equally dumb-founded how cruel a daughter can be to steal for her sick and disabled mother. My husband's real concern is that NO ONE takes advantage of me financially so I can continue to live as I do now should anything happen to him because he is older and I am so sick - also she is my only child. We have asked HIS son to step in should I need help in the future because we both now recognize that she is not to be trusted. He is disgusted that my very own daughter, would cheat and steal from me as anyone would rightly be. Also, right along with me we are just like "WOW" to her statement that she wants ME to apologize to her for telling her she is a thief??? Especially since we have retained the documentation (paperwork) all these years to prove to ourselves what she is and what she is capable of. It is so hard for my husband to see this torn and shredded mother/daughter situation because we are so "normal" and she is so "dysfunction" He hates that it hurts me this way and I think tries more to encourage the relationship - but NEVER trust her with money - where I am more - 'The more opportunities I give her to get close to me - the more I endanger myself. Ironic - everyone keeps telling me I need the mother/daughter relationship with the added DON'T EVER TRUST HER WITH MONEY WTF???
EDITED TO ADD: Wanted to add that my husband is the meek accountant type and I think he was "cowed" by her too. He had no idea how to deal with the situation once we found ourselves in it, and frankly I think her behaviors scared him and he was reluctant to confront her. Trust me her "RAGE" is off the charts.

 

[2much2recover]

Also I want to apologize for my language. I will use my big girl words and I will deal with both my physical and emotional pain I am in in a more appropriate manner.

 

[dstc_99]

I will be honest and say that I think you should cut all ties. She may be biologically your child but the pain she causes is not worth the sacrifice.

No matter the diagnosis many of us have children who do things and then refuse to admit to them. I could have a picture of my daughter doing something and she would say she didn't. She would then demand I apologize for accusing her of something she didn't do. It has happened so many times I don't even have a count anymore.

I think you should focus on you and your marriage. Keep in mind that you have experience dealing with someone who is manipulative so you are probably better than anyone at noticing the signs. Being able to notice the signs will help protect you from bad people. Nothing is 100% guaranteed but having friends doesn't require 100% trust. They don't normally hurt you the way family can. They know what you tell them when you tell them and aren't involved in your life the way family is. YOUR EXPERIENCE MAKES YOU MUCH WISER AND MUCH STRONGER THAN MOST! Use that experience to move forward with healthy relationships.

 

[2much2recover]

Did you ever read "Without Conscience" by Rober

Yes I read it and my favorite part is where he feels so much for the parents of these people because (most) of them "didn't break it, can't fix it" and the parent/child bond is so hard to sever but mostly necessary.

 

[BusynMember]

Yes, it is hard not to trust your own child. However, I agree with you, not your husband. There is not one way you can trust your daughter. She is t he one who wrote a note about killing you in high school. She was differently wired even then. I would be very leery of this daughter whenever she was around. Watch your back...and be good to yourself. You don't deserve what she put you through. I can't think of much that is worse than what she did to her own mother. That probably means she is lethal to anybody.

Her rages sound scary.

I'm really sorry.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Welcome 2much2recover. I am so sorry. You have been through hell.

After reading your tale, there doesn't seem to be any solution but to cut every single tie with your daughter and to get as much support for yourself as you can. Take care of You now. You health is at risk so the priority is YOU and what it is YOU need.

If I were in your shoes I would contact an attorney and find out how you can legally make absolutely certain that your daughter cannot in any way shape or form, enter your life financially should you or your husband be impaired by age or illness. You may want to contact the police and get a restraining order and report to them that you in fact feel threatened that your daughter may do you bodily harm. Do everything you possible can to protect yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and financially. Do not leave any loopholes out there for her to manipulate. Sociopaths are extremely cunning and devious, and we aren't, so you'll need advice as to how to cover all the loopholes for now and for the future. If your husband is a malleable type and you pass before him, then she will work on him after you're gone, make sure none of that can happen to you or to him. Your daughter has proven herself to be untrustworthy, devious, a liar and a thief many times over, so anyone who advises you to trust her on any level is not to be listened to. YOU know what the truth is, don't get persuaded otherwise or you do it at your own peril.

I am very sorry you have to deal with this. However since this is your reality, you must make sure you are protected and safe. Turn over every rock to make sure that happens. Do not trust your daughter. Trust your own instincts, they will protect you. Do not trust what anyone else says, they are not in your shoes and will not suffer the consequences of your daughter's actions, YOU will.

Take care of YOU first and foremost.

 

[2much2recover]

Do not trust what anyone else says, they are not in your shoes and will not suffer the consequences of your daughter's actions, YOU will.

Part of this may also be a lesson for the rest of you as well, "Normal people" don't have the experience we have had so they want you to keep trying to tie back the family bond because in they can't imagine that these types of things go on, just as child abuse and domestic violence used to be so hidden from society.
Thanks for the heads up, I think I just so much needed to relieve myself, my inner thoughts, because no matter what I have experienced, even when I know what is best for me, I so wish I had a normal relationship with my child that that even though I would love to stay in denial, circumstances force me to stand in the truth and it's quite ugly.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I so wish I had a normal relationship with my child that that even though I would love to stay in denial, circumstances force me to stand in the truth and it's quite ugly.

I completely understand how you feel. I would imagine we all feel that way. My own daughter is 41 and although I am not sure if she is a sociopath, (she does fit some of the traits) she has never stolen from me or treated me disrespectfully since I set strong boundaries.........yet...........I have that same wish in my heart........to have a normal relationship with my only child..............I have to stay ever vigilant that I do not fall into denial, that I don't allow my heart to lead me astray, because the truth, ugly as it is, is simply.......the truth. It is what it is. I can't change it. It has gotten a lot easier with time and the recognition of my powerlessness and the arrival of a certain amount of acceptance...........facing the truth of what is is not for the faint of heart when it comes to our kids.........

It's hard not to go back and forth trying to believe them and yet facing the truth, we seem to ride that line for awhile........until we can't lie to ourselves anymore and have to face it head on. You seem to be riding that line now............with support from others who aren't on the front lines, you can stay centered in the truth and act accordingly. Keep posting, it helps to get others viewpoints, particularly, those of us who've been where you are. We know the landscape. We can help guide you through.

Hang in there. Be very kind to yourself and take very good care of yourself, that will help you a lot.

 

[Stress Bunny]

So sorry you have endured such a nightmare with your daughter. She is a sociopath, as you said, and sociopaths lack empathy and conscience. They can pretend, though, especially when they are manipulating. Unfortunately, there are no curative treatments, and the nature of the disorder itself is that the affected sociopaths do not want treatment. They are fine with who they are.

I have read Without Conscience, and I have no illusions about what these soulless people are capable of. Neither do you. To your daughter, you are nothing more than what she wants from you. You must protect yourself from her, physically, emotionally, and financially. Cut off contact, and keep her out of your life for good. I completely agree about getting legal advice, as mentioned above.

It's unfortunate that a good and healthy relationship with her is not possible, but that's the reality. It doesn't matter whether or not she has fooled other people in your life who think you should give her a chance. Maybe they can't fathom the depths of her disorder, but you don't need their permission to take care of yourself. It's best to let go of the hopes you had for your relationship with your daughter. Focus on finding joy in the things you love and can do. After removing her from your life for good, you can have peace and freedom. You deserve SO much better than the toxic behavior you've suffered from your daughter.

 

[2much2recover]

I have posted some info on what I found when I started the long journey to uncover what was wrong with my adult child. Please do not lead you to believe that I think I have all the answers. No matter how much I have been through, I still feel the doubts about what I know, the pit in my stomach - could I be wrong - the feelings of loss that are lumps in my throat. I, like every other parent visiting here am heartbroken over what my child is/has done.
I may share knowledge of what I have learned along the way but it does not mean that ultimately I have all the answers. The pain ebbs and flows, freshly with every incident that takes place with her. In a way I wish I had not had contact with her again because know I have to heal my heart all over again. It was never fully open to be stomped on like the time when I finally faced what she is/what she is capable of but it still hurts achingly. As I parent of a disturbed individual, I think no matter what, it is always hard to deal with the cold hard facts of what we are faced with/dealing with. If I see someone's situation and I recognize it from my experience, it gives me no pleasure to point it out to you. I do, however shoot straight from the lip (hip?) because if I can spare someone else any of the pain that I have been through, if I can guide them to a moment's peace in understanding that it just might not be the parent, it may just be the child, than well, I feel I have contributed something.

 

[2much2recover]

So I have been on somewhat of a roller coaster with difficult child - but she has been wearing her "loving and concerned daughter" mask since we have been talking aprox. 1 year. In that time I did not bring up the theft of funds. I would like to explain that unlike Jeanne CA who posted, this was not our life savings, it was my share of money that difficult child cheated me out of when we had a business together - we went to a lawyer and were advised that since I gave her majority of the stock she could basically do whatever she wanted including cutting me out of my share of the profits. Which she did through lavish spending until she was forced to close down the business because with her lifestyle the company could not afford her (LOL?) She also was stuck with all the debt she created because under advice from our lawyer we disengaged from the company so that we would not face the financial consequences of her actions. Plus we did not create the debt - she did to continue living way above her means.

It's not quite honest to say that this has devastated me - nothing my difficult child can do can either surprise me or devastate me again. I have come too far. What it has done, spending time with her, after more than 4 years of no contact is remind me - she is what she is. Nothing I can do will change that. Because my physical condition is deteriorating I was hoping against hope that she had changed so I kind of set a trap. I got along just fine with her without mentioning this money. I listened (rolled my eyes a lot) but I did not "buy in" I did not invest myself so emotionally that I felt entrapped. Bringing up the money situation took me back to a time and place that was so painful to remember - because she did not know I was laying a trap to see if she would be honest and say "hey I really screwed that up" or watch the horror show of the really UGLY person under the mask which is what I have been doing for the past couple of weeks.

It is back to the cursing, the ranting, the raving, the lying and the revising of history. What a jerk I am for accusing her of such a thing; we have the documentation - but I swear if I didn't she maybe could convince me - she is that "good" What an ******* I am for accusing her of stealing from her own mother (which she did do) What an awful person I am for saying these kinds of things blah, blah, blah.

I am going back to therapy - but not this time for difficult child's sake but to learn how to cope on my own needs of dealing with Chronic Pain (no opiates) which amazingly enough I have been able to push forward for myself despite difficult child wanting to pull me into "it's all about me" and the drama that comes out of dealing with a disordered person.

I have been reading the stories posted here and I sure do hope for some better outcomes than I have had. It is so sad that we, the "normals" have to be pushed around, browbeaten and hurt in so many ways by people we love. It also occurred to me that many of you are very much doing what I used to do: trying to make sense out of nonsense. A disordered person wants to win. They want to win if it means they are homeless because they "win" by being able to point out to anyone who is willing to listen "look what bad parents I have, I am homeless" (the nonsense) as if it was a badge of honor. They sleep with the most vile of people as a slap in the face to the morals and values we have given them. Everything you interact with them in is a game of win or lose - always having to win. They believe they are better to you (again the nonsense) even while they lie, cheat and steal. And with that we give them our own power over us. The power that we believe in the good in all people is actually a weapon used against us. I have found, for myself, that I cannot win for myself when I refuse to look at the truth in the mirror. The truth is my child is so broken I cannot fix her. To have a relationship with her is always going to hurt me.

Put a lock on your credit - most states allow you to do this at minimal costs - you do not have to pay a monthly fee to do this.
We paid $45 for a one time fee and now we have a pin number we keep in our safety deposit box so NO ONE can open credit in our name. Do not trust the untrustworthy, or wait until something happens to protect yourself.

Plan your retirement FIRST! If you spend all your money on someone who is untrustworthy who will help you when you hit retirement?

Have a plan for when you need it and face the facts that your disordered difficult child is not capable of making decisions for you and should NEVER be trusted to do so.

These things I am referring to I am applying to people with personality disorders. No person can change their personality. So what you have you are stuck with. I really don't have answers for the people with difficult children that have mental health issues or addiction issues, however I will say if the outcome looks the same - things are never going to change - then just for the today you can take a stand for yourself and say NO. We, here on this board, share issues of dealing with people that are seriously mentally ill and we must take care of ourselves first. Once our children our grown we have no more say in what they do, don't do, we can only really live our own lives. That's it, we can only really live A LIFE for ourselves. I have been sucked in over and over on this same dramas/different issues, but in the end this, for me, is the truth.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm not quite in your situation, but I'll tell you one thing. None of my children have any access to the little money we have. That's even the good kids. No reason for them to have our money. No reason to give them large amounts either.

It is, in my opinion, a very bad idea to give this info to your kids. Even if they would never do anything wrong, and most would not, they do come in contact with sometimes sociopaths that THEY trust. Could even be a significant other that is also very "good."

If our grown kids, who have problems with stealing for ANY reason, have knowledge of how to get our money, I agree with you. Don't take that chance. Sadly, you are not the only mother who has come here with this problem. Another one was just here recently. Too bad you missed her. The same thing happened to her.

Hugs and try to find peace in your day!