My dtr, the exotic dancer

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jbrain, May 23, 2007.

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  1. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi All,
    well, though I am surprised I am not shocked. Last night difficult child 2, Molly, told me that she has been carrying around this secret for several weeks. Apparently she saw Emily (difficult child 1) a few weeks ago and made her tell her what she is doing. Emily must have made her guess. Here were her first guesses: prostitute, hit man, drug dealer. Hey, stripper sounds pretty good compared to what she could be doing!

    So, she is working at a club outside of town and claims she makes $500.00 a night. Well, she probably does make better money than working a regular job. Molly said a guy she knows saw Emily there and he said she looked too skinny. When she is a normal weight she is very petite but curvy. Now she looks flat chested and more like a boy I think. She does have a beautiful face and hair and can dance. Maybe some guys look at her and think she looks like a young teen and that attracts them, who knows?

    I felt bad for Molly--she was upset over so many things last night but I think this was really eating away at her and she seemed to feel better once she told me. I sure hope she can work through to a place of detachment. She feels so responsible for taking care of Emily and feels so much a part of her.

    Thanks for listening, couldn't wait to come and tell you guys today...

  2. KFld

    KFld New Member


    Sorry she is making these choices and that Molly is feeling so effected by them. You have learned to detatch, and hopefully she will be able to do the same.
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Big hugs to you.

    Very big hugs to Molly.

    Prayers for all three of you.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I'm sorry that difficult child's choices affect your easy child. I know most of us have easy child's who have been affected by their difficult child siblings.
    It breaks a mother's heart. It's bad enough that difficult child's are self destructive but to have the innocent easy child traumatized, I just want to cry.

    At one point I had to tell easy child that he could continue to use difficult child as a reason for easy child's negative attitude or he could use the learning,understanding and empathy to be a better person. Carrying a chip on his shoulder was very unattractive, in my humble opinion. It's a choice. I think easy child gets it and will,as he matures,grow to understand.
  5. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: jbrain</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Hey, stripper sounds pretty good compared to what she could be doing!</div></div>Yes. Our dtr turned tricks for a little while. I thought she might turn to one or the other, and I was hoping if she did it would be dancing instead of prostitution, just because at least those clubs have bouncers to protect the girls from guys getting too pushy. Of course there is no one to protect them from the bouncers and club owners. Still, it's safer. Our dtr hooked up with a 19yo girl whose mother was her pimp. The mother made "Crystal" and our daughter meet men in motels in exchange for a bed and meals.
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    so sad. I am sure you would like this to change but truthfully it is not in your control. your daughter knows there are other options. I get so mad as we nurtured and cared for these babies, held their hands, watched for their safety, held them at night, yadda yadda...and then they tend to put themselves in harm's way and we are helpless.

    we can always do two things and those two things can help us know we are being proactive:

    pray for them
    love them
  7. STILLjustamom

    STILLjustamom New Member

    Just wanted to add my support for you in this sad situation.
  8. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Thanks, Everyone! I'm doing okay with it, it is what it is. I hope Molly will learn to detach with the help of her therapist and maybe even from my example, who knows?

    I called Emily today since her birthday is coming up on Sat. I left a message and said I wasn't angry anymore (I had called her about a week ago, furious that she had run up some charges on her cell phone which I pay for--it is the only thing I pay for). I asked if she would like to get together for coffee or something this weekend and that I would like to give her a present. She called back and said she would like to do that and we had a very nice conversation. She told me she is living in an attic apt. close to downtown and that she likes it. I asked if she is eating because I heard she was very thin and she said she has gained some weight lately. I told her some cute things that Bunny, the rat, has done and she enjoyed hearing about him. We decided to meet Sunday afternoon and I plan to give her some gift cards to various restaurants in the area where she lives.

    I sure hope we can have a sort of relationship--just a casual, surface type of thing so I don't get sucked back into her life. We'll see how it goes.

  9. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    The lure of money is hard to resist. I live in Vegas and see it all the time.

    Not saying this is happening, but one of the biggest side effects of doing cocaine is weight loss. It is very prevelant in that industry.

  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Jane, when Rob was at his worst I kept reminding myself that it could always be worse. It's the only way I could keep going---to appreciate today because it could always be worse.

    I know, it's pathetic. But it worked.

    So, I'm sorry for what is happening right now. But it could always be worse. Hang in there.

  11. branbran

    branbran New Member

    My heart goes out to you and your daughters. How sad. Why is it that these kids make these horrible choices. It is so hard for me to understand why they fall into the seedy parts of life. My daughter loves the streets. We have a nice home and she has always had lots of love and support, but she would much rather be out and about in worst parts of town then doing something that she could actually enjoy. She never wants to participate in anything we do as a family. It breaks my heart.

    Praying for you!! and her. :smile:
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    How very sad that your difficult child daughter chose this and that it affects your easy child. -RM
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm sorry. The "easy" money in stripping is what draws the girls in. And I've had neighbors in the past who stripped and said it paid extremely well depending on where you worked.

    Hopefully easy child can learn a measure of detachment from difficult child's behaviors.

  14. Scent of Cedar I

    Scent of Cedar I New Member

    I hope the lunch goes well, Jane. The lure of that kind of money must have been hard to resist.

    We have all done things we shouldn't have (it's just a matter of degree, really). While this step cannot be undone, your daughter can, and will, change so many things about her life as she goes on from this point.

    We'll be right here with you as you go through it.

    I liked what Fran had to say about how the easy child's view these kinds of things ~ that was good advice.

  15. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    in our situation I would not want to try to turn this into a "learning" experience for Molly (difficult child 2). She has been traumatized by Emily (difficult child 1) to the extent that she has a dissociative disorder and cannot even attend school. She does not need to develop empathy and understanding for her abuser (sexual, physical and emotional), she needs to learn how to detach from her. She does not have a chip on her shoulder, she is in much pain from the abuse and from not being able to "save" her sister. She feels that she is part of difficult child 1--she has trouble seeing her as a separate person. They are very enmeshed, Emily encouraged this as they were growing up. She encouraged Molly to take responsibility for her and Molly feels that she cannot be happy or live a productive life if Emily is not also happy and doing well. She has always put Emily's welfare ahead of her own--she is almost like another parent to Emily.

    Sorry if I sound defensive, I just want to be clear that this is not a situation of her having to get used to having a difficult child for a sibling and learning empathy--she has plenty of that, more than is healthy. Also, she is not a easy child--she is a difficult child too--just a very sweet one.

  16. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Jane, I think the point others were trying to make is that our difficult child's do affect our easy child's in a number of different ways. We as parents have to decide what course of action is apprpriate in helping our easy child's grow up healthy. For some it is teaching the easy child to detach. For others it is showing them another side to their way of thinking. My daughter is 33 years old and she is still struggling with some of her issues with difficult child#1. difficult child#2's issues also have been particularly hard on her as she was 13 years older than him and very much a "mini mom" to him. As her mother I still find myself in the role of helping her deal with her feelings when she asks for my imput. in addition, my sister recently told me that she (age 55) has been affected by what she felt was mean sibling stuff. I told her that I had many of the same issues and that it took years for me to work through them.
    difficult children do indeed affect PCs. -RM
  17. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Nomad,
    yes, dtr sees therapist--she is not a easy child, she is my difficult child 2. She has been in therapy for 2 1/2 yrs, since we found out she was not really okay. Up til then she appeared very stable, normal, "perfect." She had been holding it all together at great cost to her own mental health. It is actually good that she can express anger now because she was not allowed to before. Her sister would abuse her for getting angry--she had no where to go except away in her mind, that is when she began dissociating.


    I feel frustrated that no one seems to understand that Molly's problems were caused by Emily. If we were talking about an abusive husband would you be suggesting to the wife that she have empathy towards him or that she should not be negative or that she should not be embarrassed or that she should not be angry? Would you think there was a quick fix? Molly is working hard in therapy but Emily and Emily's behavior are triggers for her. It would be like telling a Vietnam vet he should just get over his PSTD symptoms. Molly's therapist wants there to be limited contact between the girls and he doesn't want us talking about Emily and her problems in front of Molly. We are doing this but Molly has run into Emily accidentally a couple of times and each time it has triggered her. Of course the goal is for Molly to become strong and empowered but it is not going to happen overnight.

    I really hope you guys get this--this is not a situation of a easy child being upset or embarrassed by her difficult child sister, it goes way deeper than that.
  18. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Nomad,
    thanks for your reply. I think too that Molly will really blossom once she leaves home. She has attended a summer writing camp twice in the past 2 yrs and she loved it. It was held at a small, liberal arts college and she lived in a dorm and she felt like she could really be herself. She got lots of positive feedback about her writing which is her passion. I think our house itself is a major trigger for her--so many bad things happened in it. She has flashbacks of the abuse so it is as if she is reliving events, not just remembering them. I feel bad that we can't move into a different house but it wouldn't make any sense for us at this time.

    I think she has made a lot of progress with therapy because when she began she didn't even remember a lot of what had happened. It took about 2 yrs of therapy before the memories started coming. When I first took her I wondered what in the world could be wrong--I thought she was so happy and well adjusted despite all the turmoil in our house. The first I knew anything was wrong she came to me and told me she was "seeing" a man who was a threatening presence--he was sometimes in her room, sometimes in the kitchen, and he was telling her to harm herself. She told me how miserable she was, that her life was a mess. I had no idea, she had hidden it so well. I was also so disheartened to know I had another kid with mental health issues. My difficult child 1 was away at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)--I think that is why Molly felt safe enough to tell me something was wrong.

    Anyway, thanks for your concern--
  19. Scent of Cedar I

    Scent of Cedar I New Member

    Jane, though we don't "get it" sometimes, we are here to listen and support you as you go through whatever is coming next.

    The most beneficial thing about posting here is that, once we see and acknowledge it, we can be honest about our anger, confusion, or pain. Because we can do that, we are enabled to deal with what we are required to deal with from a position of strength.

    Or at least, from a position of stronger.

    I have not found a more suitable forum for addressing my feelings in regard to what happened to my family than this site ~ and I was in therapy for something like five years, trying to come to grips with it all.

    Within a matter of months, the women here had me looking the things I had been hiding from right in the eye.

    And I am getting better, and stronger.

    And that is what posting here is about.

    How is your husband handling everything?

  20. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Barbara,
    I know what you mean about these groups--I am in a couple of others for parents of kids with borderline personality disorder and for sure I got more help there back a few years ago when Emily was still a minor and we had to deal with her on a daily basis than I got from any therapist.

    My husband is handling things pretty well. We are on the same page regarding Emily and pretty much so regarding Molly so that helps. He is able to maintain more distance than me since he is the stepdad but he is certainly concerned, cares about the kids, and is supportive of me.

    I'm looking forward to the weekend--Molly seems to be doing okay right now, I will see Emily on Sunday but only for a short while, and I plan to do lots of dancing tonight!

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