My Mother Really Stinks!

[meowbunny]

God forgive me, but I really do not like my mother. She is small-minded, mean-spirited and the most selfish person I have ever met.

After an hour's discussion of why I should go see her for Christms, I finally just gave up and hung up.

This woman demanded I give my daughter back to social services before the adoption was finalized because Marie had no manners. I heard it again post-adoption because she was lying and stealing. I heard it again when she was running away, cutting school, etc. She told me to leave my child in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) until she was 18 and then just leave her to fend for herself. Mind you, none of this was said because it was too hard on me or because my daughter would be better off elsewhere, but because (1) our family does not have children LIKE THAT and (2) people will think there is something wrong with our family.

For appearances sake, she will send my daughter a nice gift. There will no warm, loving card or words. Just the gift. My daughter quit asking about her grandmother a long time ago. She is more accepting of the rejection than I am, it seems.

This time, the conversation went along the lines of I should come back home for Christmas. If I had to bring Marie, it would be okay but she'd prefer I didn't do it. Well, I can't afford to fly us both out there and why should I if my child will only be grudgingly accepted? I did offer to fly Mom out here. She refused that idea because she'd have to spend too much time in my home with my child! Yes, she actually said that, which is when I hung up.

I really do love my mother. I think she did a good job raising me, especially after my father died. She sacrificed a lot so I could have a good life and go to the college of my choice. She has many wonderful qualities, but I truly do not like her.

I don't want Mom out of my life -- she's the only mother I have. I just want her to accept my daughter and my choices. I know this is impossible. I can't change her, but it truly hurts.

:sad:

 

[TerryJ2]

Arrgh! been there done that.
I have to admit, though, I was kind of taking the subject heading literally, and thinking she was elderly and wouldn't shower. :wink:
So sorry it's actually worse than that. I would scream. She needs to learn not to blurt out everything that comes into her head. Bad enough she's even thinking it. :frown:
{{hugs}}
:flower:

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) for your hurting heart.


She must have been a good mom. You certainly are.

 

[hearts and roses]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Big Bad Kitty</div><div class="ubbcode-body">(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) for your hurting heart. She must have been a good mom. You certainly are. </div></div>

Ditto, meowbunny~

Gentle hugs coming your way.

 

[flutterbee]

I'm sorry that your mom can't see how much she is hurting YOU by her actions toward your daughter.

(((((hugs))))

 

[mrscatinthehat]

I understand to a certain degree. I have gone through a few of those conversations about my difficult children with my mom.

Sending you some hugs.

beth

 

[Hound dog]

As my own mother says:

There are Mothers, and then there are Mommy's.

Mothers mother because of appearance, and or it's required.

Mommy's mother because it truely comes from their heart.

Sounds profound, huh?

My mother is the Mother sort. :smirk:

It's taken her 70 some years to figure this out. However this epophome (sp) didn't improve her behavior a bit.

When Travis was in the NICU after he was born my mother told me, "Pray to God he dies, dear. You don't want to be strapped with a vegetable for the rest of your life."

So, yes I so understand.

Sending many warm gentle ((((hugs))))

 

[meowbunny]

Thanks all. The hugs and understanding really do help.

Lisa, I think you hit the nail on the head, at least kind of. My mother was a mommy to me. She's a grandmother to my daughter because she has to be and she'd look bad if she wasn't. She'll never be a Nana or a Granny because that takes more heart than she has. I'm going to try to remember that the next time. Thank you!

 

[witzend]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: meowbunny</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

I really do love my mother...</div></div>

You're more generous than I would be under the circumstances.

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: daisylover</div><div class="ubbcode-body">When Travis was in the NICU after he was born my mother told me, "Pray to God he dies, dear. You don't want to be strapped with a vegetable for the rest of your life."
</div></div>

I'm just plain gobsmacked! I'm so sorry!

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm so sorry. Gentle hugs.

 

[goldenguru]

It is a sad realization that our moms aren't that soft place to fall. It is sad when they love us/our kids conditionally.

I'm sad for you.

 

[nvts]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: meowbunny</div><div class="ubbcode-body">God forgive me, but I really do not like my mother. She is small-minded, mean-spirited and the most selfish person I have ever met.

I don't want Mom out of my life -- she's the only mother I have. I just want her to accept my daughter and my choices. I know this is impossible. I can't change her, but it truly hurts.

:sad: </div></div>

You know, if I had the $$'s I think I'd rent out a really, really big place and throw a really, really good Christmas party exclusively for those that have suffered from the "Ignorance of Those We Love".

Look at the list on Watercooler. Wow, for a board that we discuss our "Conduct Disorder" kids, we really have double the stress because of the total knuckleheads that we've either had to deal with throughout our lives or the ones that stroll in long enough to drive us crazy!

:crazy:

Honestly: maybe our kids aren't the messed up ones - maybe it's the rest of the kooks in our lives!!!

:rofl:

MB: sorry Mom is messing with you. After all the input from everyone on my "can't stand these chowderhead" post, I've decided that guilt from outside my immediate situation is a luxury that I can't afford. The heck with the rest of 'em, your daughter is your primary family, everyone else can ride in the back seat (bet that's what Mom's doing - she's posturing for "level of importance" in your life.).

Uh-oh, guess who won!

:smile:

Sorry you're having the same problem (it seems like a theme this time of year, and I'm glad I can bounce this stuff off all of you!).

Beth

:xgift:

 

[wakeupcall]

My mom is no longer here, but there were many times I didn't like her, either. (Although I loved her dearly.) She died when difficult child was only six and she swore there wasn't a thing wrong with him! HUH??? So it was ME who was the kook. Funny, I wasn't a kook before.

It never ceases to amaze me how other family members can make our lives even harder than they are in the first place. My inlaws were just here and father in law got up early with husband and me. We decided we were going to run out for breakfast which is at a diner about a mile away. mother in law was still in bed, though not asleep, and difficult child was SOUND asleep. She whispered to father in law, do NOT leave me alone with difficult child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Guess what? HE didn't go, but stayed with her to "protect" her, I guess. We went alone. 'Can't help it....it pizzed me off!!!!

 

[Fran]

It was a hard thing for me to realize that I wanted my mom to fit my idea of what she should do and not the reality of who she is.
At 80 she is a character but at 60 she wasn't so cute. She did the best she knew but dealing with an adult daughter with a difficult child was outside her world of experience. She couldn't offer me much of what I needed. I'd like to believe she tried.

The truth is not everyone including family will like our difficult child's or want to spend a lot of time with them. They aren't very likeable sometimes.
Your loyalty and responsibility is to your child. If granny isn't nice enough to tolerate her politely then you should stay with daughter.

If she was a good mom to you then love and respect that part of the relationship. If she isn't so good in the granny dept, then realize her weaknesses. Humans just aren't all good or all bad. We know that from our difficult children.

Worrying about appearances is a strange thing but it is also prevalent especially with the older generation. I think it was part of the way they kept kids in line. The idea of shame is not new in the parenting dept.

If your mom is not a nice person then keep respectful distance. If your mom is a relationship that works well for you then keep trying to connect.

 

[meowbunny]

Pamela, if it helps, my mother has spend maybe 4 hours alone with my daughter. The one time she babysat for me, she called me 30 minutes later and told me to get back here, she couldn't cope! I found out my daughter refused to take her Barbies out of the living room because they were watching tv with her. My daughter's crime was being a little girl with no playmates.

For the first two years I had my daughter, I knew not to leave the two of them alone. My daughter was truly wild during that period. Four hour screaming fits were the norm. Eating with utensils would guaranty food all over the walls, counter, floor -- anywhere but in her mouth. The word "no" would get anything within reach being thrown. My mother would have killed this child or at least come close to it. Stupidly, I did vent to her about the behavior, asking for tips and reminding my mother that while Marie was 4, she was really a walking and talking infant given what she had been taught. That was the start of her dislike -- this child was hurting her baby (me). She has never accepted that I love this child more than life itself and have from day one.

I guess I'm beginning to see that maybe Mom isn't quite as selfish or mean-spirited as I've been feeling she is. I will never like nor truly accept her attitude towards my daughter, but I think writing things here is getting me to see that it was my mother's love for me and her desire to protect me (even from myself) that has caused some of her words. I may have to call Mom and have a long talk and try to explain how much her attitude truly hurts me. I'd always put it that it was unfair to my daughter. Maybe that will make a difference.

Thank goodness for this forum! Again, thank you all.

 

[1 Day At a Time]

Meowbunny, I'm so sorry that you are caught up in this situation. The holidays always seem to bring focus to our relationships that are less than ideal.

I loved the comparison of Mothers and Mommies.It fits in my life! My Mom has had little or no interest in my sons, her only grandchildren, since their births. She never played with them, asked about them, rarely visited them, and could only briefly tolerate their presence in her home. Several years ago I came to the conclusion that she likes the idea of her family more than the reality of her family.

It breaks my heart to see my dear sons visiting with her, and she never once asks them about themselves or about what is happening with them. She literally knows nothing about them, and really doesn't care to know. Trust me, this isn't a difficult child issue at all. Interestingly enough, they accept this situation much more readily than I do. I guess it is all that they have ever known.

I cope with this by erecting the boundaries that I need to protect myself and my family. Since I am an only child, I give my aging mother the respect, attention, and care that she is due. I attend to her emotional needs, medical needs and safety needs. We have periodic brief visits and she is always attended to during the holidays. We all sit and talk about her subjects , eat a nice dinner, watch a movie, and call it a day. It's caring, but minimal contact. I feel sad for my sons, though - I had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother, and it was very life enriching!

 

[wakeupcall]

ONLY on this board do others truly understand.......

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Daisylover</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> "Pray to God he dies, dear. You don't want to be strapped with a vegetable for the rest of your life." </div></div>

What a sad attitude.