Hello Helpless,
I’m glad your son called you. So very sorry you are going through this horrible roller coaster ride from hell. I have been right where you are many times and have to work hard not to exist at the edge of the rabbit hole.
“See i.knew u would lie don't fake cry .LOL
Cuz I'm hungry and need to hop on greyhound .Just remember this bye “It's less than 10$ for a 7/11 pizza
This is cruel, especially after what you have been through with all the worrying and crying. Unfortunately, our wayward adult kids that are using, don’t operate the same way we do. This is a manipulation tactic to try to keep you in guilt mode. I’m glad you stayed strong and didn’t cave.
I felt so much anger after , to tell me I fake cry & say lol , I been crying for days thinking he was dead & this is what I get a call only cuz he needed money .
I have been here too. We are constantly grieving the loss of what we so hope for our beloveds. The proverbial rug keeps getting pulled from under us, the stress and emotional ups and downs are wearing on our hearts.
did get one more text the next morning asking again for money for food , I told him no that he needs to get help but he didn’t respond back . I guess I have some relief now because I talked to him ,I’m sad for him but also angry how he treated me .
It’s as if they don’t even remember the insults and cruelty isn’t it? My daughter used to use the term unconditional love on me. But, love has
boundaries. I have to work hard at keeping my sanity with two wayward adult children on the streets. It is no way to live, burdened with the sadness of it. We have no control over what they do or say, but we do have control over our own reactions. I know how difficult this is, Helpless. If you could use that anger you feel to motivate yourself towards self care, that would be a huge victory for you, and also your son. I do believe if we stop the madness and get off this roller coaster ride, learn to focus on what we can control- ourselves, it is a way to really love our wayward kids. We are showing them by example how to love and take care of themselves. Instead of repeatedly going down with their ship, living and breathing the despair of their consequences, we can rise above all of that. It takes work. A lot of work. It takes learning to switch our focus from the nightmare imagination of whatever may be happening to our beloveds because of their street life and choices, to focusing on taking very good care of ourselves and finding our own niche in life. I believe addiction has a way of tormenting not only our wayward kids, but us, too. We are not using drugs, but if we continue to ride this roller coaster, it is as if we are physically, mentally and spiritually taking on the consequences right along side of our kids. If we continue, the stress takes a toll on us, as if we are living that life ourselves. It does no good for any of us, our beloveds included, if we lose our lives because we are so entwined with their bad choices. We become so enmeshed, we don’t even realize how much we have zeroed in and focus intensely on their lives. That is something we have absolutely no control over! Their choices continually eat away at our souls. When we live this way, we are easily manipulated and fooled into thinking that there is something we can do to change their decisions. Love says no. Good for you, that you were not manipulated into sending your son money. That is a first step to getting off this hellish ride. Find something that you love to do, to help switch your focus off whatever your son is doing. Our hearts can deceive us into thinking we are being cold and uncaring, there is nothing further from the truth. It is
self preservation. You have nothing to give, if you lose your sanity over this. We need to learn to treat ourselves the way we wish our adult kids would treat themselves.
My daughter came up one rainy day to “wash clothes”, she brought a street friend with her. She talked about “acceptance” meaning I should accept that she is an addict. I told her that I understood that, but that my form of acceptance was vastly different than what she was inferring. She wants me to stay “connected” with her while she is using. But it is obvious that her desire to stay connected has more to do with my resources, then any kind of normal relationship. I told her that her and her sisters choices and consequences hurt me so deeply, that I had to give them to God, and pray for them daily. Otherwise, I would be living with this constant deep pain. I would surely perish, if that were the case.
When she hung the clothes she washed, it was all her “friends” clothes. I was upset that she would bring a man up to my house in the first place, but to use my resources so nonchalantly, and expose my home, my grand (her own daughter) to “stranger danger”, what in the world was she thinking? “I would never bring anyone sketchy up here Mom.” Her judgement is not the best, as last year she was stabbed in the shoulder with a bottle by one of her “boyfriends”. Ugh. Craziness.
I do falter many times and go back into “despair” mode. I have much work to do. One of my biggest faults is feeling cold hearted, when I set certain boundaries. I love my two, I miss them. The “them” I miss, are not the same people because of their meth use. I am no more than an opportunity.
My granddaughter is working hard at making a life for herself. I have learned much from her. “Tutu, you have to let Mom figure this out for herself.”
Although she struggles and is effected by any contact, I see her strength in focusing on her own life. She does have setbacks, but knows from her experiences at such a young age, that she has no control over her parent’s decisions.
I hope that you find a way to focus on yourself. You matter, Helpless. Your life has meaning aside from what your son chooses. It is not selfish to find a way to rise above the despair and breath. You got this, Mama. Hang in there.
Gentle hugs.
Leaf
