My son is a monster

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Lost in parenthood, Mar 22, 2019.

  1. Lost in parenthood

    Lost in parenthood New Member

    He Is!

    I don’t know what else to do anymore. Everything I put him in, he gets kicked out of. And he is only six years old. Recently he has been kicked out of camp. I feel like I can’t even work. When he is in school, I am called multiple times a day for his behavior. I take him to therapy, and a psychiatrist. He is on medication. It works good for a short while and the he goes back to the behavior problems.

    My husband and I are drained. Wiped out. We have two other children as well. His twin brother is diagnosed with adhd also but does not have as bad as the behavior as the other twin. My girl, my only daughter is an angel. Thank God. However, my child that I struggle the most with rubs off on the others.

    I don’t know where he gets this stuff. He hasn’t been abused, neglected, in poverty, or traumatized in anyway. Yet he talks about killing people, he hits other children for no reason at all, he is extremely defiant to all adults and he is manipulative like I’ve never seen. And he curses like a sailor! Which I have never done nor my husband.

    Everywhere we go we are the talk of the town. The circus act. People look at me like I am a bad mother because they think I accept this behavior.

    I’m at my whits end here.

    Life has been a constant struggle. I don’t know how to deal with him anymore. I try to be understanding and kind to him, give him unconditional love. Deep down he is the sweetest boy a mom can ask for. I cry just seeing how people treat him because they do not know he is disabled by this behavior problem. However, I times I feel like I love him too much and I am enabling him. Once he is in his mood, he is very disrespectful towards me and if he doesn’t get his way, he interrupts anything in his path. Like a hurricane.

    I do not know what to do. ANY advise is welcomed.

    Thanks for reading.

    Sincerely,
    Lost mom
     
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Is he mainly getting kicked out of the programs because of the hitting?
     
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    You might get more responses if this was posted in General Oarenting Forum. Parent Emeritus is mainly for parents of adult children.

    But' many of us parents saw the writing in the wall when our kids were younger.

    You might talk to your local mental health clinic and see if he might qualify for case management. In our state it is called the SED Waiver. (Severely emotionally disturbed). This would qualify him for state insurance, a case manager who would also be checking between the child, school, and psychologist and coordinating care. And possibly respite care so the family could have a quiet weekend while he is at a respite home for an occasional day or weekend,

    Ksm
     
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I will move this thread to General Parenting.
     
  5. Lost in parenthood

    Lost in parenthood New Member

    Thanks! I will look into that.
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are concerned, one, that his behavior may be your fault, and two, how his behavior is affecting him in the world, by how people respond to him, and then, how difficult it is for you when he is "in his mood."

    First, the silver lining:
    To me, this here is crucial and worth everything. This shows that he is bonded with you, and you with him. How is it that a small child, who deep down "is the sweetest boy a mom can ask for" is a monster?

    I will respond based upon my own experience. All of us on this forum are united in our distress about how we suffer because of our kids and how they suffer due to their maladaptive, foolish or self-destructive choices. All of us at one point or another feel responsible and wonder if we caused it all. And we feel responsible almost all of us, to fix it all. It takes everybody a very long time to accept that this is not our fault and we cannot even if our kids are very young, such as is your child, fix it.

    I have come to see that my own reactions, emotions almost always get into the way. There is an objective situation that is hard enough. But when I begin to make up stories about this, how it is my fault, or why did this happen, or what's going to happen in the future...(for example), these stories always make my distress greater, and they do not help to diminish or resolve the problem.

    From what you write, you are doing everything that a responsible parent can and should do.

    You describe a child who is sweet and loving, who is greatly loved. In certain circumstances and sometimes, he becomes willful or over-stimulated, and he acts out at home and in school. The most concerning part is his hitting other children and threats to kill. Probably he does not fully understand what he is saying. He is getting a reaction so he keeps saying it. A child his age does not understand what it means to kill, and is not capable of formulating that kind of intent, as far as I know.

    Is he watching violent TV or viewing or playing violent video games? Has he been exposed to an older child or adult that could have exposed him to something that he cannot handle?

    Has he been fully checked out by a pediatrician to rule out medical problems? What about auditory testing?

    Has he seen a child neurologist to rule out any seizure activity or other neurological condition? For example, sometimes, children can be experiencing tiny seizures and this can give rise to these kinds of behaviors.

    Is there a good regional Children's Hospital near you? You would find a child neurologist there. You will also find a Child Development Department. There you can have him see a Developmental Psychology team. You could request a comprehensive neuropsychiatric exam by a neuropsychologist. He would receive a battery of tests that would evaluate him for any sensory, neurological, intellectual, emotional, developmental factors that could be affecting his functioning or adjustment. He would see a psychiatrist and social worker too. If anybody could get to the root of this, it would be them. An alternative, if there's no Children's Hospital near you would be a University Medical School, if they have a child development department. That's what I did and where I went. To both places. I also found a nursery school program for children with emotional/behavioral issues.

    Your child is older. He should have an IEP. If this continues, you might consider requesting a non-public school placement where he will be in a smaller classroom, possibly with an aide. School will have to pay for this and transport him. My son had this, too. But you will need to get an advocate to help you. The school districts are compelled to provide what your child needs, but they resist, because this is expensive.

    What kinds of diagnoses have you gotten so far? I would not necessarily trust them. I would trust more, the diagnoses I got from the Child Development Center. Many parents here have dealt with similar issues with their child. There is no guarantee these behaviors will persist. It is just impossible to know at this point.

    But the thing you have control over is how you react. This is not your fault. You have not enabled him. You did not cause this. You are a good Mom of a child who is atypical, for reasons that are not yet fully known or fully clear. You are doing everything in your power to find answers. Welcome. We, all of us, know how hard this is. Be kind to yourself.
     
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2019