my sons oedipus complex. help

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by jmorton92, Oct 26, 2017.

  1. BetterDayz2Come1

    BetterDayz2Come1 New Member

    I don't really know what to do or say about this. Im really confused. My 6 year old son is attracted to me.. It started almost a year ago and he just turned 6 last month. For months my husband and I would argue about it because I was in complete denial I believe that he was showing normal affection for a boy who loved his mother. My husband would notice my son staring at me when everyone else was watching tv or glaring at him with hate when no one else was watching, we've even caught him looking at me when i bend down to pick something up. My son was always in a better mood when my husband was gone. It became a competition my son wanted me to do everything for him that I did husband for my husband and he got an attitude if he wasn't first. Then it got worse. I was in the shower and my husband left out of the house and my son burst into the bathroom. When we asked why he did it he said he wanted to see me naked. I had to sit him down and explain that I was a women and I needed my privacy and that he could not see me naked. Then a few month pass and I caught him masturbating. I don't understand how or why he would do this. Is this normal? Hes only 6. I knew I would have to deal with this but not this soon I expected for me or his father to accidentally walk in on his when he was 16 or something ( I hoped I never had to deal with that). But definitely not at 6! I'm in a hard place because I don't want to not be able to tell or show him I love him. But I need him to know that its a completely different type of love that I have for him. That I love him like a mother loves her son not like how a wife loves her husband. He was my first son and I have 3 boys now. I need to know am I doing something to cause this. I've taken every precaution. I don't even walk around in shorts, I don't wear any sort of revealing clothes. Its hard on me also because I should be able to be comfortable in my own home and i'm not. Its causing a real strain on my marriage. and i need help please.
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Hi there,

    I would take your son to a child psychiatrist immediately. He is displaying behavior that is not at all normal, as you recognize. From what you describe it sounds like he may be a budding predator. If this is the case, it is a mental illness that can be addressed with medication, therapy and possibly placement outside the home, as heartbreaking as that is.

    He needs help and he needs it fast.

    This could escalate quickly. As he grows bigger and stronger, your son could attack you. As awful as it sounds, you do not want to become his victim. And you have two other boys to think about. They deserve to have a normal childhood. Not to mention, you have a right to a happy and normal marriage.

    Keep us posted, others will also have good advice to share. I am sorry you are going through this with a child of any age, especially one so young. Please get him help immediately.
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome Jmoet

    Take a deep breath and don't act too irrationally. Little boys do masterbate. Often times it is more associates with self soothing than with sexual desire.

    Being abnormally attached to your mother is identified in young boys that is why there is a name for the complex. It is not a disorder and managing both the masterbation and the attachment is what will resolve the matter in a healthy manner.

    I agree with BBU that seeking professional help for you and your husband to learn how to manage this behaviour in a healthy manner is very important.

    Your managment of the issue so far is what I would also have done. A simple explaination of privacy and boundaries.

    My son used to cry out at night "why am I the only one who has to sleep alone!" We had a hard time keeping him in his own bed. So we established a rule that he could have snuggle time with us in the morning before we all got up. That resolved the issue. As he got bigger around 7/8 he said "I am happy I don't have to share my bed! There not enough room for all of us!!" He declared he only wanted to sleep with me. We kept explaining the role of child and the role of parent and this demand soon faded.

    Best of luck. with the situation.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome JMorton:

    Has your son ever been sexually abused? This is the first thing that popped into my head.

    Obviously masturbating is normal but I think he is a bit young but I am not an expert and have not dealt with this.

    Hugs and you are in a good place here with us!
  5. BetterDayz2Come1

    BetterDayz2Come1 New Member

    No he has not that was also one of the first things that I thought of. I asked him has he ever seen anyone else masturbate also and he told me that he hadn't. I just scheduled his first psychiatric appointment. I pray they can help. Thank you
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  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We do too! Keep us posted. This is tough stuff.
  7. BetterDayz2Come1

    BetterDayz2Come1 New Member

    Do you know what age boys normally begin masturbating. I just scheduled his first psychiatric appointment. I just pray that he just needs someone to talk to and that this is a problem that can be fixed with talking, love and understanding rather than medication.
  8. BetterDayz2Come1

    BetterDayz2Come1 New Member

    Thank you, I just scheduled his appointment. I wanted to know what other people thought of this. I knew this wasn't normal.
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Here is a good parenting resource for you.

    Masturbation: Why it happens and what to do about it | BabyCenter

    Some start as soon as they can access their private areas (out of diapers), and they do it because they discover it feels good. It is generally more about body discovery.
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  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My oldest son masturbated as soon as he could reach it. This is normal. Dont make it an illness. Ignore unless he is outside then nonchalantly remove hand from pants.

    I dont think wanting to see you naked however is normal. He could have been abused without you knowing it. This is very common. I would get him help yesterday.

    Wish you well and keep in touch!
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  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I too would be concerned about possible abuse of some kind.
    Or possibly he stumbled upon something inappropriate on-line etc.

    The masterbation doesn't seem too odd to me, but some of the other things are more concerning.

    I agree that a professional evaluation is likely warranted.

    You are doing a good job. As best as you can, keep calm and don't seem nervous or anxious and don't argue with your husband around him. I hate to say it...but you probably need to put on an academy award performance. Stick to your guns, without showing anxiety.

    So very sorry. No doubt very taxing.
  12. I'm wondering if he was exposed to porn. Is your husband his bio father.
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Please let us know how you are doing.
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    i agree about the evaluation. i might also consider therapy. either support for myself or family therapy/couples therapy with your husband so that in these two parts of the so-called triangle there was confidence,clear communication, and a common way of understanding and addressing the situation.

    some thoughts:

    6 years old he is not developmentally capable of being in love like a husband.

    masturbating can start way before this and be normal. the question is if there was an event or interactions that overstimulated him or made him highly anxious. curiosity about bodies, same and opposite sex, too,is normal', i believe. but same thing. unless a child was overstimulated in a a way he could not handle.

    all of us when something goes wrong with our child shine the spotlight of guilt on ourselves. let me stand first in line to tell you it does not help.

    your husband seems to be playing a role in fanning the flames of concern by his reactions. son is his son. not a rival.

    the gazing at you is complex. children are profoundly attached to their primary caretakers. the gazing of infants to a mother's face is a singular way that a child's identity is consolidated it is also a way to get reassurance when anxious. if you watch children and adults, we continue to gaze at beloveds, whether they are our mates, children, mothers or friends.

    to me there is no specific behavior of your son that seems overly concerning in itself. the so called family romance or oedipal complex is thought by many to be universal.

    but if there is anxiety and jealousy or rivalry, fear, shame, anger or suspicion by any or all of the 3 of you, this could contribute to concerns.

    i can only imagine how nervous and concerned you must be by the sense your marriage is affected by this. that is where i might start first. i would get the help of professionals.

    i hope you keep posting. it helps.
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2017
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I wonder what else is going on with your son. How is his development, is his other behavior normal? How is he in school? Are there any learning difficulties?

    I ask because children with autism are often different. They do not understand the social rules and the way they look at others is often misunderstood, often HUGELY misunderstood. I do remember, after thinking about it, having to explain to my oldest son about different types of love. That I was his mother, but his father's wife and his grandparents' child. I loved him as his mother. I loved his father as his wife. I loved his grandparents as their child, much as my son loved me. These are all different types of love. I treated each of these people differently because my relationship with each of them was different.

    At one point he wanted me to treat him the same as I treated my husband. This was at an earlier period than your son is at. My son was quite early to talk and read, and he puzzled things out verbally and intellectually with us far earlier than any other child I knew. He was maybe 4 when all this came about. I had just had my daughter at this time. I told him that if I was to treat my children the same as my husband, then they would all have to wear diapers. Did he want to go back in diapers? Clearly Jess could not use the toilet, she had just been born. Did he really want me to change him again? He was completely horrified at the idea. There were other things that his father did that he did NOT want to do, so he gave up on the idea of being treated the same. He decided, without me prompting him, that he would rather be loved the way I loved him and not the way I loved someone else.

    We later often had discussions about what I called bean counting. It was his cry of being treated unfairly, or being given less or loved less because he got an unfair portion of something. He meant more of something bad or less of something good. It only applied to certain things, on others he was happy to get a disproportionate share because that suited his purposes. I usually had to have the bean counting discussion every 6-12 months with him. I would explain that I was NOT going to make everything equal. We were a family and things were not going to be measured like that. We could just share and our needs would be met. Some of our wants would be met too. He would not be the judge of fair and I would not listen to cries of "she got more" or "he got more". I divided things up the way I felt was fair, and that was the end of it. It got the name "bean counting" because he had a fit over the Easter baskets one year because Jess got more black jelly beans than he did. He didn't like them and she did. So I gave them to her and gave him the ones he liked. What an awful unfair thing for a Mom to do, isn't it? That was the last time I worried about bean counting nonsense.

    I wonder if your son might be oedipal or he might be very high functioning autistic. It is possible to be so high functioning that most people wouldn't even know. How do I know? My father is. In going through books to learn about what used to be called Asperger's, my father fit every single classic definition. He grew up in a huge close knit Catholic family (by huge I mean they were half the town he grew up in) and they just made adjustments and made him learn how to cope. He just was expected to figure it out, back then there were not names for it. If he hadn't had 4 first cousins in his class of 30 kids, maybe he would have been friendless, but they all lived within a block of each other and they were just the ones in the same grade. I am also probably high functioning autistic. Social rules never made sense to me. Other kids my age didn't make sense to me either. They seemed ridiculous and idiotic. I preferred my books most of the time.

    I think that is why I could explain some of this to my son. I understood why he didn't comprehend the social rules governing what was going on around him. It took me a few years to figure out that I probably would have been diagnosed if I were a young child in today's world. I could use my experiences to help my son though.

    Maybe if you can explain the different relationships you have with people to your son, it might change things. Or help him understand that you are not going to treat him the way you treat his father. He might not understand it at first. He might not understand what you are saying. He is still very young and it might take him some time to understand it all.

    Of course, even if he is just not understanding the social roles/rules, you have to make it clear that you are his mother and will only ever be his mother. It may take a great acting job. It also may be something you want to discuss with a specialist. You might want to see a child psychologist or even a developmental pediatrician. The developmental pediatrician would be the person to see if you suspect there is more going on that just an oedipal complex sort of thing.