Need Advice-19 yr old college son trying marijuanna and ?

[frustrateddad]

First time to this site, have 19 year old son in college, who has everything,car,paid college,insurance, spending money as needed, found 7-9 small bags of marijuana in car Thanksgiving, and found out he tried LSD for the first time during the Thanksgiving Holiday. He was an athlete in High School, and constantly challenged parental rules of curfew, etc. When I found the grass, I immediately destroyed it, took away his "nice" car, and gave him an old family car that would just make it back to school. We confronted him with the issue, and says grass is no big deal, and that he won't ever try the LSD again, but would not committ to not using grass. We stressed our objections and said we would not subsidize this kind of behavior, and allowed him to drive back to school, and finish the semester. He lives in a dorm. As I type this, I have just spoken to him, the semester is over, he has stayed at college two additional days partying, and he is driving with two other "user" friends, as they are going to a concert. I asked him to call me when he could talk without them present. As he was to be coming home over the Holidays and we have two younger children, I wanted to make sure he knew of our new House rules. He could have his new car back but would have to submit to periodic drug tests and make a 2:00am curfew every night, and no "sleepovers" at anyone elses house. When he finally called me,
He was very defiant, saying he would bring back the clunker, and just wouldn't move home and would make due somehow.

Question: Am I right to not subsidize his behavior, and protect our younger two children from a very bad example? They do not know of his drug use, but just of his defiance and extremely late arrivals of 2-4 am) He is hard headed enough to find a place to stay, thinking he would be "punishing" us. I haven't paid for the spring college semester, even though the tuition is now due.

 

[judi]

Hi there and welcome. Yep - you are well within your rights to decide what goes on in your house. My son smokes pot (and who knows what else). Yep - he doesn't live here either. He can come over to take care of his son but other than that, he isn't welcome much.

That's the bottom line - no drugs in my house. If you can't abide by the rules, then you're outta here. Simple. (Not so simple to do though I know).

 

[Sunlight]

good for you dad. stick to your guns. your son wants to be free of your rule. he is 19 and it is time for him to learn where his choices will lead.

however if he is doing well in college and getting the grades...I would continue to help him with the tuition, but no car. if the car is in your name and he gets high and hurts someone...you can be held responsible possibly.

 

[Coookie]

This was a very interesting thread for me to read. I may be facing a similar situation soon. :frown: My difficult child is returning from the Marines (being discharged for popping positive on a drug test) and we may be faced with the same issue.

You are doing the right thing, as we will. There will be no "Joints" in this house and he knows it. I think if he continues I would put the "Junker" in his name and pay for one more semester of college..if he does well then pay for the next..if not then I wouldn't. :frown:

You not only don't want that type of behavior around your other kids..if you are like my husband and I, you don't want it around yourself or your wife. :frown:

Our sons are of legal age to make the type of decisions they want but along with those decisions come the consequences or rewards..just a fact of life. :frown:

Wishing you well and hoping your difficult child starts to appreciate what he has. :grin:

I forgot to add.. Welcome to the site. :grin:

 

[donna723]

Hi and welcome to the site.

First, I hate to be the one to bring this up, but with "7 to 9 bags" of marijuana in his car, are you sure that he's just using and not also selling? It sounds like he's done a lot more than just "try" it. A kid with "7 to 9 bags" of grass in his car is not just in the experimental stages.

Second, you are ABSOLUTELY right in refusing to subsidize his bad behavior. And you have the right and the obligation to keep these bad influences away from your younger children, and to keep his drugs out of your home. Drugs in your home should be a non-negotiable issue. You also have the right to demand that he treat you with respect. You do NOT have to put up with defiance and verbal abuse in your home from a "child" that you are spending thousands of dollars on to support and send to college!

Have you seen his grades from this last semester? What I mean ... is he doing well in school and getting some benefit out of your hard-earned tuition money, and taking advantage of the opportunity he has been given to go to college? Or are there signs that the partying and drugs are becoming more important to him than his school work?

Maybe part of the problem is that he "has everything" and doesn't appreciate it. He has no idea how fortunate he is to have a new car, his college tuition paid, and plenty of spending money! Most kids would do anything to have that opportunity! And I agree, his "threat" to go out on his own was an attempt to punish YOU ... he's trying to manipulate you. He's counting on you being so worried about him being "on his own" that you will soften your stance and give in. Don't do it! If he threatens this again, you might just take him up on it and see what his reaction is!

You might also remind him that nineteen is plenty old enough to get a job and be self-supporting, if he doesn't want to take advantage of the college education he is being offered. Thousands of young men his same age are in the Mid East right now, serving in the military, in harms way. Both of my kids were working full time by this age and paying for their own vehicles, clothing, insurance, spending money ... everything. My daughter had already gone through nursing school and was working the 3 pm to 11 pm shift in a hospital a month after her 20th birthday!

You can't control your sons' behavior. You can only control your own reaction to it! You are not OBLIGATED to send this kid to college - it should be thought of as a "gift" that you are willing to give on YOUR terms and your terms only. YOU should be the one calling all the shots - it's YOUR money. Plenty of people who really want an education work their way through school. He's very fortunate and doesn't realize it. At his age you are not even obligated to support him, much less send him to college, buy him a new car and furnish him with lots of spending money! Maybe he needs to be reminded of this! You can pay his tuition, but you can't make him take advantage of the opportunities he has been given. This is his decision to make, but it should be on YOUR terms. If worse comes to worse, you may just have to bite the bullet and let him fall. It's not as easy to be "on your own" as he seems to think it is. He may just have to find this out for himself and learn the hard way!

Hang in there, Dad, and stick to your guns. You're doing the right thing.

 

[KFld]

I agree that the amount of bags of pot you found sounded more like selling to me as soon as I read it. You said he admitted to trying LSD and said he will never do it again?? Someone once told me that take what you know and magnify it by ten. Of course he's not telling you everything and I don't mean to scare you, but my 19 year old son is a recovering heroin addict who a little over a year ago swore up and down that he tried different things, didn't like them, would never do them again and only smoked pot. We believed it until the night he was arrested for posession of narcotics and within 2 days was in detox going through full blown heroin withdrawals. It was not a pretty sight.
You are completeley within your rights to not allow him in your home if he isn't willing to follow your rules and be drug tested. If he didn't have anything to hide and was willing to follow them, he'd be jumping at the chance. Allowing him to come home now that you know he's not willing to do this, would only be creating complete chaos in your home for you and the younger children. My daughter suffered quite a bit when our son lived home. He stole her babysitting money, jewelry, anything he could get his hands on. And if your son is selling, you certainly don't need him doing that out of your home!!!
Sounds like, by his attitude, he is heading down the wrong road quickly. Try and talk to him, keep the lines of communication open, but don't enable. If he's not willing to come home and follow the rules, don't give him the car back. We made our son register and insure his car in his name last summer because we no longer wanted our name connected to what he was doing.
Right now our son is living in a soberhouse and a little over 2 months clean. Until your son wants to head down the right road, there isn't much you can do about it besides not enable the negative.
Hopefully things turn around quick for all of you. Stick to your guns. It's the best gift you can give him.

 

[DDD]

Welcome aboard. Sorry you have to join us. Like you, we have all experienced the disappointment and shock of finding
that drugs have invaded our life. It's so darn sad!

Facing reality...without excess anger...is really difficult.
It is very very important that both parents get exactly on
the same page with whatever rules or changes are mandated.
Probably being on the "same page" is more important than what the specific message of the page is for your difficult child. You
all have to decide what is best for your family. Each of us
have to sift through the options and then take a stand.

Advice?? Well, I would think it best to lovingly tell your
son that you are aware that he is a legal adult and able to
make his own decisions. Furthermore you are confident he can make it on his own out in the world. BUT since he is involved in drugs he will not be welcome to live at home again until he opts to be drugfree. I would pay for the next semester at college and agree to pay his college costs
on the condition that he submit his grades to show that he is serious about his education. I would sign over the car
& make sure the insurance is paid. Then, I would change the
locks on the house and tell the younger children that their
brother has decided to live on his own for awhile.

Your son is selling or "holding" for someone. He did not
try a joint or two. He, like our difficult children, is a druggie. Like
many of our kids he is bright, goodlooking, an athlete or a
musician who's future was suppose to be bright and make everyone happy and proud. He is blowing it.

I will cross my fingers and say a few prayers that your son
can face his poor choices before suffering the consequences
that many of our kids have had to face. DDD

 

[envisablepuppet]

Hello and Welcome


Hate to say it but if he would have gotten pulled over by the police and they found his 7-9 bags of pot they would probably have charged him with distribution. As a rule most pot smokers keep their pot in one bag not seven. I'm sorry but I'd have to agree with some of the others that he is more then likely selling.

I agree with DDD. You have to do what is best for your family. The other advise she gave I would also strongly agree with so I won't repeat it.

I hope he wises up and gets back on track and doesn't have to experience, or put you and the rest of your family through, the hell that is an addicts life. Unfortunately it does affect the whole family in one way or another.


Best Wishes
Lea

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Hi and welcome. Your difficult child is playing you!

If you found bags in his car....he's sloppy.

I'd let him keep the clunker and not a new car. I'd sign the car over to him so when it does get confiscated...you won't be the owner. You can still assist him with the insurance if you choose, but your name should not be on the title. He's shown you that he's not responsible.

I'd pay for his tuition if his grades are decent, but I'd encourage him to possibly stay wherever he is during the holidays and maybe get a partime job.

I think you are creating a monster issue if you put rules such as no sleepovers, 2am curfew, etc in place. Your difficult child is over 18 and an adult. As long as he's respectful in the home and doesn't bring illegal substances into your home or in or on your property, I could care less when they came home. He's only going to be there for what...maybe a month?

I also wouldn't fund much though!

Time to cut those apron strings as it seems your difficult child can adequately manage on his own.

 

[donna723]

That's something else to think about too, the car. If it was me, I'd put the older car in his name and let him drive that one, not a new one, not unless you're willing to lose it! If he is stopped and the drugs are found, YOU do not want to be listed as the legal owner of that car! And in many areas including where I live, if you are stopped by the police and they find drugs, they can confiscate the vehicle - no matter whose name it is titled in. It's just GONE and eventually will be sold at auction with the money going to the Drug Task Force!

Another thing too, if he were caught with that same amount of drugs, in most areas he would be charged with a felony, not simple "possession". If it's over a certain amount, it will be considered to be for "resale", not just for personal use, even if the person wasn't selling it.

 

[judi]

I also think this amount means he's dealing. Plus, marijuana is a jump-off drug. Very rarely does someone just do pot - it progresses rapidly. Our son is 21 and lives on his own because we can't have pot in our home - I caught him smoking in his bedroom in July.

I say cut off all support, but that is just me and I have been through a lot with my son.

 

[TYLERFAN]

Hi:

I just wanted to welcome you to the Board.
I agree with the others.
You need not subsidize your son's substance abuse.
I'm sorry you are going thru this.

Blessings,
Melissa *

 

[kris]

<font color="blue">welcome to the board. hopefully we will be able to help you & your wife.

where does wife stand on all this. are the two of you coming from the same place?

i'd pay his tuition for one more semester to see how the grades are going. i would cut off the money flow immediately. he's using the money you are giving him to buy his pot for heavens sake. he can get himself a part time jog....the college will even help him. yes, i'd give him the older car....and get your name removed. i'd pay car insurance for one more semester then he'd be on his own....unless he mends his way.

the amount of pot he was carrying & the fact that it was bagged individually is a huge flag that he's not just using....he's dealing.

wouldn't give him a curfew & rules. just an excuse for him to disobey. i wouldn't let him come home. i just wouldn't. you really have to play hardball here. he can come for christmas dinner, but no overnight (well maybe one night), but that's it.

go to your local bookstore & get yourself a copy of the tough love books. you're going to need them.

i can tell this has all come as a huge shock to you & you are probably quaking in your boots. you have to stay strong & you have to follow threw with-anything you tell him you're going to do.

hang in. the members here will be here to support you & wife.

kris </font>

 

[OTE]

Thanks guys. I needed this support. I'm doing the same. It's darn hard. Easy to say but darn hard to do. Since mine isn't yet 17 it's also a legal minefield that I'm navigating.

Frustrated Dad:
Be sure that the car isn't on your insurance.
If there's pot found in your car they can confiscate the car no matter whose name is on it. In which case you could lose the car entirely to fines and penalties.
If they find pot in your house they can arrest you, not him. Worst case they can also take your younger ones as you are not providing a safe environment for them.

Yes, he's dealing. Aside from anything else, where did he get the money to buy that quantity? Your money?

Make sure all valuables (including those of sibs) are locked up when he visits. If he gets desperate enough for cash and/ or angry enough he's liable to take something in anger to pawn. And who knows with his user friends, if they're in the house .... Be careful with all car keys, video game machines, ...oh so many things our kids have stolen from us.

 

[judi]

The pot in the car and the house was what finally was the last straw for my husband and me. I am an advanced practice nurse and my husband is a teacher and we would both lose our licenses and livelihood if there were drugs found in our cars or home. We love our son dearly but that is something we can not and never will tolerate!

 

[frustrateddad]

Thank all of you guys for your support and input! Here is the follow up of the last couple of weeks! He must have done some thinking since my firm comments of that night, and the next afternoon. He called the following afternoon, said he was coming home, but only had $1.00 in his billfold, and his debit card was overdrawn! I, as calmly as I could, said "I thought you had everything all figured out". I was volunteering at a Choir concert at the time, and told him to call me in a couple of hours when I could talk! (as the performance was just beginning). Later that evening, he showed up, acting as if nothing had ever happened. He said he wanted to talk later. Later finally arrived, and he said he understood our house rules, and agreed to be drug tested. The strange thing is that he started telling me that the urine or blood tests weren't accurate, and that I should just wait until the end of the next semester, and do a "hair" test and that he would stay clean. I told him that I would research the available drug tests, but since our trust was shaken, he should expect multiple test in the future. So far, he has abided by our 2:00am curfew at home and for some reason (knock on wood) is acting very accomodating to our wishes.(other than the typical behavior of not picking up after himself and leaving dishes, clothes etc. everywhere) I would like to believe that he finally found out that he had pushed us to our limit, and found the wall where we would not budge, but I am a realist. We will continue to be suspect, monitor as many conversations as we can, whether it be land phone, cell phone, cell messages, or my space conversations, or anything else we can find.

We will continue to be suspicious about delivery to others. The auto titling suggestions are great! Only time will tell whether he is sincere about going drug free, or just pacifying us during this college interlude. Other than flunking Chemistry, his grades were fairly decent. Thank everyone on the board for your input, thoughts, and prayers.

 

[BusynMember]

I did not read all the replies, so please forgive me if I'm repetitious. First off, it sounds like he's selling too. Not surprising. The rule is, you use and you sell. My daughter, who knows first hand, says that if you use drugs, you also sell them. Also, I'd be surprised if your son never touched pot before college, although you never caught him. We were so stupid--we had no clue our daughter smoked pot regularly until several years later, when she'd moved on to cocaine and amphetimines (yup, those ADHD drugs--Adderrall was big with her and her friends. They crushed it in a pillcrusher, snorted it alone or with coke.) She's tried everything. Here's our story and what we did.

I have a 22 year old who started using drugs at 12. Yes, 12. We don't even drink and her two older brothers never did any drugs, but she was insecure and we'd moved, and she did. My thoughts: Personally, I don't have enough money to pay for everything for my kids, but, even if I did, I hope I'd not do it. My daughter, while using drugs, had to pay for everything herself, which meant she had to WORK, which meant we never subsidized a dime of her drug use. She went to a tech college on her own dime. She also quit using drugs on her own at 19. I think if we'd handed her money, she wouldnt' have had the incentive to quit. We actually made her leave the house at 18 because we also had two other kids, she was very abusive to us, she wouldn't stop, and we got tired of seeing the police on our doorstep (and it scared her little brother and sister). As soon as her nest was taken away, she suddenly straightened up. I also am not a big fan of sending kids away to college, the way college is now. Nobody watches our kids and I know from experience that drugs and sex are off-the-charts in dorms. So why pay for THAT? They can get an education by living at home and going to a nearby college, without the extra education of drugs and perhaps picking up some nifty STDs. Your story is SOOOOOOO common. My sister went away to school and got pregnant twice. She doesn't think that would have happened at home. Parents didnt know--still don't--she had two abortions. I wouldn't give your kid another dime. in my opinion only he needs to work for his education to appricate it more. If he wants to go away to school, he needs to earn that right by acting mature and responsible. I'd also take away the car. I pulled my daughter's license on her a few times. LSD is serious! My daughter knows druggies who are messed up for life from one bad LSD experience--some of her buddies who are "not right" anymore. Those experiences also encouraged her to quit. Drug use doesn't usually calm down in a college setting. Drugs are there for the taking. My two older kids who never did drugs also never went away to college. Both are highly financially successful. One is incredibly mature, but he always had to pay his own way. He is already quite wealthy, but plans on making his kids work for all they have--he thinks it's the best way. I would do more than just take a stand at home. For the sake of your son, I'd take a strong across-the-board stand. Is there a college he can go to where he can live at home and work for his tuition? I hope he has to pay for his car insurance and gas. All my kids had to do that or they couldn't drive. Again, we aren't perfect parents and our daughter got into drugs. But I wonder if she would have ever quit if it had been easy for her to keep doing it. She's been clean a long time now and the stories she tells me about her druggie days curl my toes. I had no idea it was that bad. You don't know how bad it is with your kid. They don't tell us. It's always "my first time and I'll never do it agian." We believed her. We were fools. I'd put my foot down BIG TIME now, from one who has been there. (((Hugs)))

 

[DDD]

I'm glad to read the update as I have been wondering how you
and your wife were faring with the holidays. Fingers are
crossed that he is one of the few who actually gets the message before tragedy hits. Happy New Year. DDD

 

[Sue C]

Just wanted to let you know that LSD only remains in the body for 24 hours. We had a "stat" order from our older daughter's dr. to take her to any hospital ER whenever we wanted her tested. Only caught her using LSD once, but I know it was her drug of choice at the time from reading her journals and letters. In fact, the 10-chem panel the dr. originally ordered did not even include LSD. We had to get a separate stat order for that.

I do know my daughter tried claiming she only experimented with drugs, but that was not the case.

After living at home and going to college for one year, we made her move out. She would not agree to our rules of a 1:00 am curfew or stopping using drugs. If your son will not agree to your rules or breaks the rules in regard to drug use, I would not continue to finance his college. I'd tell him it was time to move out. Believe me, it's not easy. Our daughter had nowhere to go and stayed at friend's houses or slept in her car for the first 3 months. However, she did turn her life around and is a great success story!

Take care,
Sue