Need advice

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mamacat, Apr 1, 2017.

  1. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    There's been a change and I'm sure what to do. My daughter texted me this morning. I had accidentally texted her. It was gibberish. She texted back "are you ok?" I don't think I answered. I cannot remember. I was on my way to the hospital for total knee replacement. So today I get another text that says are you OK? And I answer yes, I fine. Then she says "I need help.". Then tells me the story. Same thing it's always been. Live-in guy is an alcoholic. Mentally and verbally abusive. She said she smoked pot to mask the pain. Doesn't work. She wants to quit. There is a recovery center about 7 miles from our house. It's where I go for CODA meetings. They have family housing so she could bring the 2 granddaughters. She's called there and left a message. She asked if she could stay with us until a spot opens. I don't know what to do.
    Any advice? I know you all have been . I don't know iif she truly has hit rock bottom. She's iin a safe house.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is just my opinion. More of the same and her being nicer when she wants something...shelter and maybe money and she is who she is. You have to make the decision. If I recall, this is how she works.

    Didnt you see her a few weeks ago? I hope you put your well being first and remember that nobody changes that much without a lot of help....therapy plus, a spiritual awakening, etc. If indeed she has any personality disorder, it takes years of hard work.

    It probably wont work but Id offer to tske the girls and help her find a shelter. You dot even know if shes serious about rehab. It may be a manipulation to come back home.

    Is your husband ok with this? Its his house and sancuary too...and yours. I feel it must be a joint agreement.

    Wishing you peace!
  3. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    She lives in another state. I haven't seen her for 7 months. I'm aware may going flown that road of good intensions and it could be a dead end. This is the first time she has mentioned recovery for herself. I would love to see her go. They have a family program so kids can stay with her. There will defintely be some rules set up to live here. I feel much stronger now. I don't think I will fall for manipulations again. Also I would love to see her get sober for the sake of my granddaughters.
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    It sounds like she is in a good place right now! The Safe House deals with women from abusive situations, and many of those women have other issues just like your daughter. I wonder if she will benefit more from getting counseling and services from them, and having to live by their rules, for now. It would be easier for her to slip back into old patterns when she is in a familiar place--your home. In the Safe House, there may be expectations put on her in terms of behaviors and moving forward that would be harder to replicate in your home.

    Can she stay there until the Recovery Center has an opening?

    Sometimes we jump in to offer help too early, and it only serves to set the difficult adult's recovery process back instead of moving them forward. That may or may not apply in this case.

    Just something to think about.
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I have fallen for the "I need help" story so many times with my 37 year old only to have it be more of the same old garbage.

    I think you know what your going to do. I wish you luck with your decision.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well...guess I confused your daughter with somebody else's. Sorry.

    Well...this is tough. Its up to you AND husband. If you think she will follow boundaries and get sober this time and that you are strong, go with your gut is my advice. Dont let her stay long enough to be able to claim your house is her residence. Check that out. Protect yourself. Remember that rehab does not usually work the fitst time. Not sure what she abuses.

    If your head is clear, and hub is on board, go with what you feel is best, but think of yourself first. Because she wont. If she has a history of stealing your credit cards or money, lock up everything. Hide bank statements. Take care of yourself first and dont get too hopeful. Guard your kind heart ;)
  7. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    She use wine and marijuana to numb. She hasn't stolen except a bottle of wine. I guess she took it because she 's the only one around who night have taken it.
    I really understand that recovery may not work but I'd iike for her to hsve a chance.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Like all addicts, my daughter too, they always have chances. There are rehabs all over. Some people use them only for temp housing, some for our sympathy and money, some to get clean. Is this free? Is husband on board?

    I think you have to do what you have to do. You wil know if she is serious or not pretty early. If she really had an awakening, she will likely treat you much better before she goes.

    I wish you luck and send love.
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2017
  9. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    She's at a safe house right now, right? It seems to me like if she's at one, she's in a place that has the resources she and your grandchildren need right now.

    Does she have a case manager there? One option might be getting involved as a member of her "treatment team"/working with the safe house-- it doesn't have to be either them or you-- you could try to help together with them.
  10. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    ....hope the knee recovery is going well. You probably have special needs to consider while you are mending- I understand that it's not an easy surgery. I'd add that into the whole equation. Would it be helpful to have her and the grandchildren around, or would it would be too stressful?
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    If you are going to be recovering from a knee replacement the last thing you need it stress.

    I do hope your daughter is sincere in her wanting to get sober but I have learned with my own son to be very cautious when they say this. It's not that I don't think on some level they really do want to quit, it's more the question of will they.

    The only suggestion I can offer is if you choose to let her stay with you, have very strict boundaries and be prepared to stick to them.
    If you tell her no drugs or alcohol or you're out then you have to follow through. If you don't then you send the message that you are not serious and can be manipulated.

    Wishing you all the best with your recovery and the decision you will be making.
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  12. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member a text today asking if I am OK. I replied yes, I'm OK. Then she told me she needed help. Boyfriend is an alcoholic emotional abuser. Would I please call this rehab program near my home to see if she and girls could come there.I told her I know for a fact that they only want people who take responsibility for their lives. She said she wants to give up marijuana. She takes responsibility. Then she proceeded to tell me that she is a victim of domestic violence. Maybe they could stay with us until something opened up at rehab. She said she and significant other are trauma bound. Trauma bonding. She sent 3 videoes about trauma bonding, narcisstic personality and trauma bonding. A few hours later, I asked her if rehab facility called. She said no mom and I haven't heard from her since. Part of me was happy to think she'd get some help, but realistically probably not. What do y'all think? At one point i told her about my total knee replacement. She said I'd like to give you a hug. Really????
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My opinion? She wants something and doesnt seem serious about changing. It is notable that she didnt offer to help you as you recover. Will she help you?

    Maybe fifteen years of reading stories on this forum has made me cynical of those who mouth words yet dont act. Actions speak louder than words. I fear for you if you let her come home. From my gut. To me it sounds like she wants free housing and doesnt seem serious about rehab.

    Think it over in detail. We all want our difficult adult kids to change, bit it doesnt happen without help and can take years.

    I hope yoir decision works out for you. Be sure to make your decision by putting your needs first. You matter immensely. You need to heal without stress.
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2017
  14. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    My gut feeling is that you are correct. She wants something. She's been talking about getting help for years.
  15. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    I hope your knee replacement surgery went well. In my option, it's time for your daughter to be concerned about you, not burden you with her problems when she knows what you're going through. You really need to take care of yourself. Addiction and narcissism sure do go hand in hand...heal quickly.