Thanks for the words of support, I really appreciate it. He's now in a psychiatric facility and we'll be going to meet with the case worker this afternoon.
Some history - he was adopted at birth, 5 lbs 12 oz, small head circumference. We met his birthmother - she tested clean for drugs at 6 months pregnant but smoked nonstop and had lost four other children to the foster system. Low muscle tone led to physical therapy starting at 9 months. Eventually he had diagnoses of all the processing disorders - sensory, auditory, visual. His IQ is 84. He's high-functioning enough to "pass" as normal unless you know him really well. Executive functioning is almost non-existent. The characteristics of FASD fit him best, we think, although we don't know for sure.
School is a huge struggle, although we think we have him in the best possible environment. He actually does much better behaviorally at school than at home - he is quite awful at home. Very disrespectful, flies into rages, oppositional about every last little thing. Basically he started having temper tantrums at 15 months and never stopped. And now he is huge - taller than either of us and over 200 pounds.
If he is able to come home, we plan to separate our household so that our daughter (age 14, easy child) will be safe. So we're looking for a condo nearby where she would live with one parent and not have to deal with the madness.
Sigh.