Need to get back on track

[TearyEyed]

Hello all,

I haven’t posted here in a very long time, but I am on the site every day and read all of your stories and words of wisdom. A little background…..my son is my only child. He has had mental health & behavioral issues going back to around age 5. Drugs came into the picture about 4-5 years ago, probably longer. He has been diagnosed with everything under the sun….Mood disorder not otherwise specified, Bipolar, Borderline (BPD) etc. I don’t know what the true diagnosis is. He refuses to take medications or follow up with his doctors. Like all of you, there is no stone unturned. I have tried everything to help him. Psychiatrists, psychologists, boot camp, hospitalizations, kicking him out of the house, letting him back, begging pleading, bargaining, etc. He has not lived at home for over a year and a half. He was destructive to our property and verbally abusive to my husband and I. He has been living on the streets or couch surfing with various “friends”. I have given him a list of shelters and resources should he decide he wants help. He has a warrant out for his arrest because he did not show up for his court date in April for criminal property damage and disorderly conduct.


I have been attending my Families Anonymous meetings for over two years. I have developed a strong support system and formed some very good relationships with my FA group. I also love this site and get so much strength from all of you. I know that I need to take care of myself and take the focus off of my difficult child……but…..I am in a tailspin right now. difficult child’s 19th birthday was yesterday and………..


I went to pick him up ( met him at a gas station) to take him to lunch. The minute he got in the car my heart sank. Sunken in cheeks, to thin, talking a mile a minute. Obviously he was on something. I told myself to breath and to not lecture, nag, argue, etc. I did ask him where he has been staying. It was all downhill from there. He was annoyed that I am always criticizing him, that I get an “attitude” and I just don’t understand the stress he is under and what he has to deal with blah blah blah. He said that he found a telemarketing job but doesn’t want to take it because a telemarketing job is “degrading” ???? Plus its full time and he just cant work that much. Degrading? He is a high school drop out, wondering the streets, high on drugs, has a warrant out for his arrest and a telemarketing job would be “degrading”? What planet does he live on????


So, after 15 minutes of listening to his nonsense, I went through a fast food drive thru, got him some food and dropped him off at a bus stop. And I cried the rest of the day.


I did get some texts from him later saying that he loved me and rambling on about this that and the other. I know that I didn’t cause it, I cant control it and I cant cure it. But, I am struggling right now. As a mother, its very hard to not let the haunting thoughts go through your mind. I am in the mode where I am turning against myself. I look at other people and wonder what they have that I am missing. Where did I go wrong and what did I do to create this disaster. I don’t trust myself. I am SO tired and sad. I am not even angry with difficult child. I am angry with myself. It feels like I hate myself. Like there is something very wrong with me. My heart is broken. And I don’t know how I can go on like this year after year after year. When I am with other people, I feel like an outsider, like the rest of the world “gets” it. Other parents have kids that are graduating. There are reminders all around …….of how things “should be”.

The pain is overwhelming me right now. It was SO hard to get out of bed and get to work. I wish I could disappear or run away or do something to just make this STOP. But I cant.


Thank you for listening. It helps to get this all out and I know you all understand because you feel the pain too.

Hugs,


TE

 

[in a daze]

I look at other people and wonder what they have that I am missing.

I am so sorry, TearyEyed. What do they have that we didn't have? My opinion...lucky genetics. For example, my son has 2 first cousins who have depression, anxiety, and addiction problems. Cousin # 1 has 2 siblings who are doing just fine. Cousin # 2 likewise has 2 siblings who are functioning well. And his own sister...read my signature.

Sounds so familiar...therapists, psychiatrists, special schools, special programs...no stone unturned.

It's nothing you did. Sounds like you tried your best, as all of us here have.

I imagine you've tried to connect him with social services?

Do you have a therapist for yourself? I find mine very helpful. And I just love my Families Anonymous group, too. I'm going tonight.

Prayers for you, and a hug.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am in a tailspin right now.

Stephen King wrote a book once (Misery) in which he described pain like a tide coming in. During the worst pain, he would remember that the ebb was coming. And that after the ebb, he might be pain free until the tide came in again, until the pain built up again.

Knowing that was his situation, the character in the novel was able to find his footing. Knowing that the pain would ebb enabled the character to survive it.

That imagery has helped me to survive during the worst of it. Sometimes, it takes days. It feels like it is never going to end, like I am isolated behind this transparent wall of pain. I can see other people, but their laughter, their wishes for friendship or for someone to confide in echo and bounce off those transparent walls so that nothing they say reaches me. When the walls finally thin, when they finally break apart, I feel raw, vulnerable; feel like some prisoner, blinking and cringing at the light.

But it passes, T.E.

So I hang on to that. That it is going to pass, that I will be okay again one day.

You will get through this, T.E.

I am sorry this is happening to you, or to any of us. We have one another here, and that is a blessing.

Any smallest blessing helps us find our footing, and we don't fall as far before we find a place to dig in to and stand up, again.

The minute he got in the car my heart sank.

We have to see what is true, T.E. We have to know. I used to make difficult child son show my his teeth. It was the strangest thing. He always denied using. I researched all I could about drug use and addiction. I learned that meth use damages teeth.

So I always checked his teeth.

And he let me do it, too.

Months would go by, T.E., and I would check this grown man's teeth, first thing.

?

I suppose it gave me something to hang onto? Some concrete thing to look for, maybe?

I love myself, I feel such compassion for the self I was, then. There was this unimaginable pain body just in the living of every day, in the jerking into the middle of the night awakeness when my defenses were down.

I cried the rest of the day.

I am glad you were able to cry, T.E.

Tears heal.

I am in the mode where I am turning against
myself.

I look at other people and wonder what they have
that I am missing.

Where did I go wrong and what did I do to create
this disaster. I don’t trust myself.

When I am with other people, I feel like an
outsider, like the rest of the world “gets” it.

There are reminders all around …….of how things
“should be”.

In honoring the depth of my pain T.E., in acknowledging the depth of my loss, I have been able to understand that those others whose children are healthy and whole, whose grandchildren are well brought up, cannot begin to understand what this has been like. If I hadn't lived it myself? I wouldn't get it, either. There was a time when I was pretty arrogant about my kids, about my parenting skills and where my life was going.

Not anymore.

But you know what I think now about all this, T.E?

I am so happy for them that they will never, ever come to know what I know about pain and loss and hopelessness.

I don't know why, but that understanding has been an unshakeable source of strength for me.

It still catches me sometimes, when friends or family members (rightfully so) brag about their children.

I am grateful for them, then, that they do not know what I know.

Somehow, that soothes the pain. I don't know why. but the way I see it is that beggars can't be choosers. Anything, anything at all that helps me stand up again, I am there.

The pain is overwhelming me right now.

It is, T.E., right now. It will pass. Hang on. Honor your grief. You have lost so much already.

This is the cost of loving your child.

He is worth it.

There are times we have to turn away ~ how much to help, what to believe, that kind of thing. But that we love them, that they are self-destructing...there is no turning away from that, T.E.

All we can do, the only thing we can do, is accept it.

It is never wrong to love them, T.E.

You are strong enough to do this.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

Tearyeyed, bless you. I am so sorry for your suffering right now.

You have gotten great advice and thoughts and words above already.

Just a few things to do right now, so you can regain your strength to move forward again tomorrow or the next day:

1. Rest. Take a nap or just lie in bed.
2. Take a bubble bath.
3. If your mind is racing, go to your computer and dump it all out---no editing---just type as fast as you can, until you can't think of another word to type.
4. Let yourself cry as much as you want to. Tears are necessary and tears are healing.
5. Read some uplifting stuff--Al-Anon literature (online if you don't have any), this site, other sites about positive thinking, meditation, healing.
6. Read a light romance novel.
7. Go shopping and buy yourself something pretty.
8. Eat some cookies.
9. Call a trusted friend and dump it all out again. Tell them they don't have to say a word, just listen and love you.

Today, I went to an Al-Anon meeting and there was a woman there for the first time in a long time. I had never seen her before but she used to come a lot a long time ago, she said.

She told a bit of her backstory. She is about my age, and she hasn't seen her grown son in 12 years. I almost gasped out loud when she said that---I did gasp inwardly. She said it took her about six years to accept that, and she grieved and went through all of the stuff you can imagine a mother goes through.

Today, she said, she is at peace. She believes her Higher Power will bring her son back into her life if and when that is to be. Until then, she works to live each day at a time.

She is no Pollyanna, and she also talked about her younger son, who she said she has babied way too much. He is now in the Navy and very homesick and she has to resist driving there and bringing him back home.

She is still working and learning and trying to change. She is trying to accept reality. She is trying to stay out of the way.

This stuff we are all doing here takes tremendous courage. We are true warriors. We love our children so much that we are working as hard as we can all of the time to stay out of their way and let them learn how to grow up and be an adult and accept the consequences of their own decisions---no matter how dumb they are.

Big hugs to you. Bouquets of flowers for you today. Hang in there, and keep posting here.

 

[TearyEyed]

Daze, SOC, COM,

Thank you so much for your responses and encouragement. I am at work trying to get through the day and when I read your posts, I felt like you were right here with my, pushing me through. What an amazing amount of strength you all offer. SOC, its SO weird that you mentioned your sons's teeth. I have an obsession with my son's teeth. I thought I was crazy for worrying about his teeth amidst all of this other dreadful chaos. I took him to the dentists for checkups every 6 months since he was 4. Paid for braces. He has beautiful teeth, or should I say had. Doesnt bruch as far as I know, doesnt go get cleanings even though he is on my insurance and it would be paid at 100%. His wisdom teeth are coming in and he dosent care. I dont know why I fixate on this. I guess its me still trying to control things. But again, everytime I read these posts, I realize I really am not alone, even in the things I ruminate about. What a relief!

Thank you all. Love and hugs.

TE

 

[BusynMember]

COM, we adopted a child from another country at age six. I now see how unwise that was...imagine not having known your child and he not having known you until age six and he comes as he is. He was legally my child and, without going into detail other than older adopted kids often just can not attach, I have not spoken or seen him for six years. I doubt I ever will. I'm not sure I even want to anymore. Although I do believe strongly in a Higher Power, I do also believe that people do what they want and he is an angry middle age man who has shunned everyone in our family except ex.

I absolutely grieved for a few years and went to special counseling for those with adopted children problems (he helped a lot) and now I actually feel no grief at all, but have moved on and...it's weird...maybe because I know it's final, I focus entirely on the kids/grandkids who love me. His siblings would never accept him again if he did come back and he and he and I have such widely divergent religious beliefs...it doesn't matter to me, but I know it matters to him that I am not one who thinks as he does. I can't see how it would work. Too much pain. I have decided to think of him as a foster child who has left the nest and done very well financially and has a loving wife and two cute kids. There is definitely grieving when you lose somebody, even if it's not to death, but eventually it does fade, especially if the last memories were of abuse from that person. At least, it did work out that way for me. I don't even list him in my signature because legal means nothing if he doesn't feel a connection. And although I loved him as though I'd given birth to him and still love him from afar, I don't really think of him as my son anymore either. It's been too long. We have no relationship. Can't keep up that family feeling if you don't even have a BAD relationship. So...yeah, I tell people I have four children and two grandchildren when legally that is not correct, but...oh well.

I shared that because I saw that you were horrified that the mom hadn't seen her kid in twelve years and wanted to let you know that it happens (more than we think as I found out in group therapy) and that it's possible to move on even from that. It is always good to hope, if that is what you want to happen. When I found out the embarrassing and hateful things he did when I was trying to make amends...and the lies he told to his wife so that she is afraid of me (which is laughable...by the way, she really met me twice only), I don't want to risk my heart to him again. The mother of the kid who is gone twelve years...what a jerk he must be to cut his mother out and willingly be punishing her all those years. Would she be better off with him? We don't know the story. I wish her well though. But I believe...

Even an adult child can be so toxic that one can say "Enough is enough."

At this point in my life, I have reached a great deal of serenity and happiness in my environment most of the time. It is better for me to have judgmental Scott and my sister out of my life. It isn't always a bad thing not to see even a person you love very much...and I love them both.

But I don't MISS Scott, even though I'm glad he's doing well. And in the end, I will not miss my sister either.

Sorry I highjacked the thread. I just felt the need to vent. I will go silent now.

Teary-eyed, I have cried many tears myself and am so sorry for your hurting mommy heart. Hang in there.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Teary Eyed,
Your post just melted my heart, and brought back so many memories and feelings of a time I wish to never recall. Please know that I and all of us here have been where you are, and are right here with you now.

I often have thoughts that I've failed at the only important job I have: mothering. I think all these years have been for naught - that I've made no positive impact on the person God put in my hands to raise and nurture. It sounds so extreme when I read it, but it's a tape I play over and over in my head. On an intellectual level I realize that's not true, and you should too. We've done everything humanly possible with an impossible task, and we haven't given up. Our difficult child's have free will, and even though their thoughts are irrational because of illness and/or substance abuse, they can choose to avail themselves of the help that is always offered. It is cruel for us to watch what is happening with no power to stop it. I just want to acknowledge your feelings, and tell you this board is a compassionate source of support and understanding. Sending you hugs...

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Good Morning, T.E.

:O)

Are you feeling any better, today?

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

I shared that because I saw that you were horrified that the mom hadn't seen her kid in twelve years and wanted to let you know that it happens (more than we think as I found out in group therapy) and that it's possible to move on even from that.

MWM, thank you for sharing that. I know I have read parts of that story on other threads that you have written, but I didn't realize it has been six years.

Cutting off contact is a last frontier, and I do see, today, that it is something that people do when there is no other choice. I have come a long way to see that, and I hope and pray I never get to that point with difficult child. The thought of that is still something that can instantly bring tears to my eyes----today there are fewer and fewer thoughts that do that.

I remember the first time I heard a mother say she has no contact with her son for a long period of time. It was in an Al-Anon meeting, and this woman, who has been through it all and back, sat there and said that. She said she had cut off the contact. I remember then, immediately deciding that she must be a very different person than me....and yes, here it comes....because I would NEVER do that. As I posted yesterday on another thread, I have learned the very hard way never to say never, because I will find myself doing exactly that thing which I never wanted to do. In time.

I wasn't horrified,yesterday, because I have slowly come to entertain that option---no contact---in the past few years. I was shocked/surprised/floored by the length of time. I actively resist the notion, even as I see it as a decision that many make, and that someday even I will make. I can see how far I have come because yesterday, instead of immediately separating myself from this mother, I admired her for her courage and her journey and the tremendous decision that she made, and even not knowing the details at all, and not needing to, understanding the hell she has lived through with her son.

My fiber and my cells and my DNA resist cutting off contact today. You have seen me for the past six months reduce my time with my difficult child to 10 minutes a week. Before I found this forum, I had reduced it and reduced it and reduced it as my own consideration for myself has grown. As I post now, I think as much of myself today as I do him, and that is a fairly new discovery with me. I always felt I could set myself aside for my children, and I did. I was strong enough, you see. I could handle it, so I told myself.

(I am sobbing right now---obviously this is a huge source of grief still for me).

I don't want to have no contact with my son. I so don't want that.

That is why I still have to make decisions about visits and postcards to jail. I love my son. I want him in my life. I don't know how to have a relationship with an active addict but underneath all of that, he is still my son and I do love him. I do wish and pray for the best for him. I pray for miracles for him every day.

Crying is good. It is healing. It lets me know I am human and it recognizes my pain. Thanks MWM, for your honesty, your strength, your common sense, your persistence to find yourself in the midst of all of the insanity you have lived through.

Big hugs for you and for me today.

 

[TearyEyed]

Good morning! Cedar, thank you for checking on me. It was so nice to see your post first thing this morning asking how I am doing. I am feeling a little better. As you know, its a roller coaster and when we get thrown into the vortex of our difficult children unreality it takes time to get pulled out. I watched a funny movie with my husband last night and got a good night's rest and woke up feeling a little more like myself this morning. And then I read your post to see how I was and that sent me off to work grateful for you and the others on this site that are there with me, thinking of me and I didnt feel so alone and afraid. I felt comforted and safe.

Calamity, thank you for your post. You summed up exactly how I was feeling. I appreciate you taking the time to let me know you understand and offering your kind support.

I dont know what I would do without all of you here. It teaches me to remember to be grateful for all the good things in my life. And you all are definitely on top of my list!!!!!!!!!!

Blessings to you all.

TE

 

[BusynMember]

COM, he cut off the contact. But I feel it was kinder that he did that than tolerate us rudely which would not allow me to heal (I know how I am). There is no way I'd totally cut off all contact with my kids unless they, say, stole our retirement or were a physical threat to us. But, at the same time, he has blown it with Julie, Sonic and Jumper and husband and I am not really a fan of his personality and rigidity and judgment. So if he doesn't ever contact us again, that's ok. I know he is healthy and doing fine because my ex gives me snippets and that's all I need to know. It would be very hard to relate to him with his very strict beliefs...if I slip up and swear he gets very angry. If anyone has had sex before marriage, they are sluts and no good, etc. He has called my daughter one. He doesn't respect husband and me because we don't have money. It doesn't feel good to be around him.

I have four other kids. I have to think of the rest of my family, not just him. Knowing that he feels that way about Julie makes my stomach churn.

 

[recoveringenabler]

TearyEyed, I am so sorry this is so painful for you, we here on the PE side of the forum truly understand that pain and can share it with you. We've all been in your shoes, you are not alone. You have us right along side you.

The hardest thing I've ever done is detach from my only child. It is the hardest thing any of us here has ever done or will ever do. Often we blame ourselves, but it isn't anyone's fault, it isn't anything to point a finger at, it is what it is. If you take blame out of the picture, it is just what we deal with here...................it teaches us about how to let go of control, it teaches us to live in the moment, it teaches us to put all of our focus onto ourselves and learn to love ourselves and it teaches us acceptance. These are HUGE life lessons that are for us. For whatever reason, this is our fate, our destiny.

For me, looking at life as an opportunity to learn, to experience "lessons" makes sense...................and it brings meaning to all the suffering that goes along with this journey we're on. Your son has his journey too, and you or I may never know what that is............it's important to let go of blame, of judgment, of comparisons and of outcomes. It's hard, but if you can do that, you will find a steady and dependable peace of mind.

It helps to place your son in the hands of your perception of a Higher Power..............let go of your role as his caregiver and allow your son to go into his destiny. And, you pick up your heart off the floor and brush it off and turn towards the sun and keep walking. Your life is precious and you must identify that preciousness and take care of YOU................when you make that commitment and set that intention, you will find everything will ease up and you will be on the right track.

This is a rough ride, it is a treacherous path filled with pot holes and mine fields which surprise us and can knock us down...................BUT, if you allow your sorrow, allow your angers and resentments, you'll move through to the other side. Most of us need help to do that and I'm glad you have your FA group. You may want to give NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness a try too, they offer wonderful courses for parents.

We've circled our tattered wagons around you TearyEyed, you are not alone, we are all around you now..................wishing you peace.

 

[helpangel]

teary eyed, i've been gone a couple months and slowly catching up with the forums. your post was a couple days ago and i just now read it, i'm so sorry you are hurting and wanted to send you some hugs and positive energy. try to do something kind for yourself tomorrow.

nancy

 

[Tiredof33]

I feel your pain. My only son was difficult form birth. Father walked out (a difficult child and drug user also) I had a very troubled child on my hands. I had him in as many programs as I could afford and he was court ordered into drug rehab programs twice. We were in counseling too and he never participated, always very angry.

He gets into relationships with difficult children just as troubled as he is, the lastest I think if possible is worse.

He stole from me and helped his friends steal from me, he told me when he was in his late 20's that he had hated me.

My child will be 36 in a month and he can not get his life together. After the latest conn for money (lasting 6 months using my money for drugs) and the girl friend telling him how I was responsible for his problem in his life and him telling me he was was going to commit suicide and it was my fault. They hacked into my computer trying to access my banking accoiunts. I just couldn't 'do it' any more and he went no contact when I refused to give him more money.

He contacted me after a year (briefly) and lost contact again. He sent me text messages a few months ago and some pics. He has moved to Denver and he is working for a company (?)and when he gets his apartment he wants me to visit. So very sad for me, it is obviously another of his fantasies.

Girlie was supposed to move with him and they had a (violent) blow up and she moved back in with her mother.She posts on twitter about having her morning and afternoon joint in her car and her mother is catching on, she doesn't work. He posted on twitter that he wants her back and she is 'the love of his life'. Lots of police calls in the relationship.

The picture that he sent me of him is so sad, in my opinion he is clearly living on the streets and he looks really bad. And that is the picture he sends to me.

My son clearly, at least to me, has mental problems and there is absolutely nothing that I can do. The drug user has made him much more unstable.

At this point he does answer emails every month or so, that may disappear any time and he will be gone. I feel your pain and I know that there is not one thing we can do........just try the best you can to take care of yourself. I would never wish this nightmare on my worst enemy.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

hey hacked into my computer trying to access my banking accoiunts.

e sent me text messages a few months ago and some pics.

and when he gets his apartment he wants me to visit.

e picture that he sent me of him is so sad, in my opinion he is clearly living on the streets and he looks really bad. And that is the picture he sends to me.

I would never wish this nightmare on my worst enemy.

Holding you both in my thoughts, this morning.

Cedar

 

[TearyEyed]

Oh boy. I am trying to stay strong. As I mentioned in when I started this thread, I saw my son last Sunday and he looked horrible. I knew/know he is doing drugs and I suspect it is Meth. My sister (who has always been very close to my difficult child) called me last night. She said she saw a post on his facebook page of a picture of him holding a meth pipe. She also said some of the characters he is hanging out with are very scary looking people. I am feeling panicky. I feel like I cant just sit here and do nothing. I am trying to use the tools I have learned from all of you and my FA group. But, I just keep feeling like I should jump in the car and go find him. But I wont. But I want to. I dont think I can handle this anymore. There is a warrant out for his arrest. My sister lives in another state but is coming for a visit next weeked. She suggested that we plan a lunch date with difficult child and call the police to tell them where he is so he will get arrested. At least then he would be safe and off the streets and unable to do drugs. But, I dont know how long they would hold him. So is it worth it? I cant afford to send him to an expensive rehab and my insurance does not cover any worth while rehab programs. He does have a list of places to go for help. Should I try and talk him into it? I cant sort out my thoughts and I dont know what to do. The thought of him dying is taking over and everything in my being is telling me to do something. I have to do something. But I have already tried everything. I feel like my soul is being ripped out of me. Need your strength and prayers.

TE

 

[recoveringenabler]

You're in a terrible place TE, my heart goes out to you. Even if you have him arrested, which his certainly your choice, it will be a temporary solution to a permanent problem which he himself must address. However, there are no right or wrong answers TE, you have to make whatever choices you need to.

One of the things I had to look at squarely, is that our kids make choices which place them directly in the path of danger, their lifestyle choices can be harmful and it is not beyond reason that death is one of the outcomes to the choices they make. I remember having to take that information in to my heart, to realize that there is nothing I can do to stop that, that I am powerless to change any outcome at all........that the only person who can change that is my daughter or your son. That is a difficult thing for us parents to address and yet we are forced in to it often.

Perhaps before you make any choice at all, try to take a step back, take some very deep breaths, we breath in a shallow fashion when we are scared and that sets in motion more anxiety and fear. Breathe. Breathe deeply. If you can get yourself to an FA meeting or call a sponsor or someone well versed in this drama so they can help to calm you, would be helpful. Write down all your fears, everything you believe may happen. Take a walk, if you walk for only 11 minutes, it will shift your brain chemistry and offer you some relief. Do something right now other then ruminating about your son. Take some action.

When we are in fear a lot, we actually create a new neuro-pathway which when we are afraid, we dive onto that pathway and stay stuck there. What can change that is interrupting the fear thoughts with different information, support, breath, exercise, meditation, yoga, something that has the ability to calm you down. Once you get through the fear, you are more able to make better choices based on logic and reality. Fear based decisions rarely work out well. Right now you are stuck in fear and attempting to control what happens to your son. Do whatever you can, right now, to move out of that fear. Repeat the serenity prayer. Pray. Place your son in the hands of your perception of a Higher Power.

Sending you prayers and warm wishes for you to find peace.............for you to feel comforted, for you to rest........

 

[TearyEyed]

Thank you Recovering. Just reading your words helped calm me. You reminded me that its ok to slow down. I dont have to do anything even though the urge is very strong. Sometimes just having someone remind you of that makes it a little more bearable. Just to have the reassurance brings about strength to get through. Thank you.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am feeling panicky. I feel like I cant just sit here
and do nothing. I am trying to use the tools I have
learned from all of you and my FA group. But, I justkeep feeling like I should jump in the car and go
find him. But I wont. But I want to. I dont think I
can handle this anymore.

Holding you in my thoughts, T.E. Prayers for you, and for your son.

He is very young.

The thought of him dying is taking over and
everything in my being is telling me to do something.

I have to do something.

But I have already tried everything.

I feel like my soul is being ripped out of me.

We are here, T.E.

You aren't alone with it, with the horror of it, anymore.

****************************

erhaps before you make any choice at all, try to take a step back, take some very deep breaths, we breath in a shallow fashion when we are scared and that sets in motion more anxiety and fear. Breathe. Breathe deeply.

Do this, T.E. Recovering is right.

This will switch your body from fight or flight to "all is well" mode.

Long, slow, deep breaths.

If you can get yourself to an FA meeting or call a sponsor or someone well versed in this drama so they can help to calm you, would be helpful. Write down all your fears, everything you believe may happen. Take a walk, if you walk for only 11 minutes, it will shift your brain chemistry and offer you some relief. Do something right now other then ruminating about your son. Take some action.

Right here.

We are right here, T.E.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

I am feeling panicky. I feel like I cant just sit here and do nothing. I am trying to use the tools I have learned from all of you and my FA group. But, I just keep feeling like I should jump in the car and go find him. But I wont. But I want to. I dont think I can handle this anymore.

TE, you are not alone in this. We have and do feel this way, too. In the past few months, one day, I posted that I was out driving and I wanted to go look for my son. It was a Sunday morning. I usually go to Al-Anon on Sunday morning but when I got in the car to go there, I started obsessing about my son and wondering if he was at the breakfast in the park that a church here gives on Sunday mornings for homeless people. I had not heard from him in several days, and I just wanted to bad to know he was still alive.

TE, it was like my car was almost forcing me to drive to that park. I wanted to go there so bad. So bad. But I didn't. I had a choice that morning, and I went against every single instinct and desire that I had. I shook myself and I said to myself: Take the focus off him. Put it on yourself. Go to the Al-Anon meeting.

And I actually wrestled that steering wheel from my own self and went to the meeting. My son is still alive. That day and time passed, and I was the better for it.

Please know that we know just how this is and how compulsive the feeling is that we have to get to them NOW. But like you yourself said TE, we have been there and done that. So many times. It's time to let go, and this experience is part of learning how to do that.

There is a warrant out for his arrest. My sister lives in another state but is coming for a visit next weeked. She suggested that we plan a lunch date with difficult child and call the police to tell them where he is so he will get arrested. At least then he would be safe and off the streets and unable to do drugs.

TE, here is my two cents' worth on this. I believe that any time our difficult children spend in jail---off the street and with much more limited access to drugs there---is a good thing. Given the two choices: homelessness/drug use and jail, I am going to choose jail every time.

I have called the police to come and get my own son, TE. The first time I did that, I was shaking I was so upset at what I was doing. But I did it, it was the next right thing I could do at that minute, I believe, and since then I have done it again.

And I will do it again. He is now 25. That is why I am actually hoping he goes to prison on June 25 instead of back to the street.

Time is our friend and our ally here. If at least our difficult children can get more time, that is a good thing.

I have to do something. But I have already tried everything.

Yes you have. Every single thing, I am sure. When your mind is racing like this, do something physical, like RE said. Scrub the kitchen floor. Dig weeds out of the front yard. Take that 11 minute walk.

Do the next thing in front of you---physical things---to break the mental cycle of craziness that this disease brings to all of us.

Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers, TE, as well as your difficult child. I am praying that he reaches a bottom soon and starts on a path to a new life.