Need to set some conditions

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Nov 20, 2015.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well we are on that nebulous roller coaster. Son is supposedly looking for a job and not drinking and going to meetings. I am not convinced. He was supposed to go check in with the fx center the end of this week and he didn't go....

    So we have come to the conclusion that we need to set some conditions for our financial support. He needs to check in with us once a week and he needs to check in with the clinician at the fx. Center....I need some one to confirm he is doing what he says he is doing.
  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    TL, your conditions seem completely reasonable to me. It's hard to assess because you are so geographically distant from him.
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, I have been hesitant to respond because I am not the best example of what I am going to say.

    I think that you need to cut off all financial support. He is an adult and should be working and supporting himself financially. Unfortunately, he seems like my daughter who would rather coast and be unproductive as long as you are willing to pay for his needs.

    I know that it took me a long time to get to that point but looking back now I see that we were really crippling our daughter because we were not treating her like an adult. We were reinforcing the idea that she couldn't take care of herself.

    Thanks to two years of therapy, my husband and I finally got to the point where we said no more money. Period. It wasn't easy but she finally got the message and is now working and has stopped asking us for money.

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  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    You may be right but I am not ready to do that yet. When he was back in treatment, after working and finding he liked working it was very hopeful and we wanted to really support him. If we cut off all financial support cold turkey he would end up homeless and I don't want to do that if he is really working on recovery.....however at this point I am not sure he is really doing that and may be playing us.

    So I will start with some conditions to show us what he is doing. If he has seriously relapsed then he will get himself kicked out of this sober house.....and then may end up on the street again. I am preparing myself for that which i dread.

    It is one step at a time....either towards him being really in recovery or us cutting off all support again.

    It is such a balancing act at times.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Not only is it a balancing act but it is also so very difficult on the parents. I struggled with knowing how much help to give my daughter. Even now there are times I say no because I think she should have budgeted her money better or I am not happy that she and boyfriend spend their money on beer and cigarettes. But it's not a matter of living on the street for her, at least at this time. It's so very difficult to do what you are doing TL. I hope you are able to set some controls and that he is doing what he needs to be doing to move forward.

    Each of us has to do what is right for them. I understand why Kathy cut her daughter off, it was absolutely the right thing for her to do. And we all speak for our experiences. I don't think you are ready to do that and you are the best judge of that. I really hope the time comes when you don;t have to play this balancing act any longer TL. I would be exhausted as I'm sure you are.
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2015
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Yeah I vascilate between having a stomach ache from worrying and dreading the idea of him being on the street again...... and just wanting to be done and cut him off altogether so be it. Yet this time around he made so much progress.... and there is a tx program that is there and wonderful and available to him if he will use it.

    So hubby and I are on the same page which is good.... and I am going to send him an email today to clarify our position on things. It is clearly time for us to tighten the reins a bit.

    I am so glad to be home. I had a nice visit with some other folks in CA which was good but spending a different night in a different bed about did me in...... and it is easier to stay calm and live my life here at home.
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, I totally understand where you are coming from and everyone has to do what is right for them at that time.

    One thing to consider, though. My daughter used rehab/IOP as a way to get room and board. She would go from one to another and kept saying that we should "help" her since she was "doing the right thing." My therapist wisely pointed out that this could be my daughter's path the rest of her life and asked did we want to continue supporting her the rest of her life.

    As the therapist pointed out, doing the right thing is using the tools learned in rehab the first, second, or even third time to get sober and live a functional life which is not dependent on others taking care of you.

    Here is a story that is funny but true. When I was checking out the TV guide listings one night, I saw a program called Rehab Addict. I turned it on thinking it was about people that go from rehab to rehab. I found out it was actually about rehabbing old homes.
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2015
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Ha ha that is funny. He has definitely used rehab as a way out of the cold. This last time was different though and he has done some good work...but it is pretty clear he is sliding back and we can't support that. I just sent him a message and we will go from there.