Need your thoughts again

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Jan 7, 2019.

  1. Son is in a sober living home which seems to be going fine. It was agreed upon for him to be allowed to go there by the person in charge of it that he would do their IOP since he was so bad and he has a history of relapse. He was at an IOP a few months ago and kept using and then got discharged after 2 weeks.... Those two weeks and 2 days of detox cost me over $4000....
    Then he went to the residential treatment and completed that and agreed to go to their IOP.. again I paid the the co-pay - luckily that one was in network... He quit after 15 sessions saying he didn't get anything out of it. Relapsed in about 4 weeks.
    So he was doing this IOP connected to his sober living home. Went for 6 sessions then texts me last week he thinks he is going to quit that he is getting nothing out of it and wants to work more.... I reminded him that he agreed to go in order to live there and I wasn't sure how the owner would feel if he stopped the IOP. Other guys live there and don't do the IOP so he feels it will be fine... Then I left him know that this IOP is out of network and the insurance rolled over so this is costing me $5000 since it is out of network. It won't matter i if he goes 3 weeks or 9 weeks- I will owe this amount. That didn't seem to faze him.
    SO.. I am feeling I need to tell him if he quits this, then we are done financially with anything. If he were to relapse, then anymore treatment would have to come from his pocket not ours. He would still stay at the sober home if he were allowed. I pray they would allow that since other guys are there as well with-out the iOP.
    He said the first 2 weeks were good but then they changed it and now he doesn't like it. I told him he should discuss that with them and let them know since they are fairly new at the IOP.
    Just so disgusted.
    They say to let go. They say this is his recovery not mine. It feels like a ticking time bomb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this life.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I agree with the last paragraph. The professionals said what I would have said. And done.

    This is HIS life. You in my opinion should not live his life that you hate. You have a life to live too!!! And this is the time for YOU. He has eaten up enough years and $$$.

    I vote for you to back off and focus on yourself. Your son keeps making excuses why he shouldnt try. Thats too bad but its his decision. You can decide that you WILL do life and not go down the tubes with a grown man. Yes he is your son, but he is past the time of you controlling him but you can still detach with love from him and think about yourself now. It is time. He is a man and can do this. If he chooses not to, that is 100 percent on his shoulders.
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2019
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Trying.

    Your son is not learning anything because he has no skin in the game.

    You are the one who is paying the price for his relapses, not him.

    He gets nothing out of it because he doesn’t WANT to get anything out of it.

    They changed some things, and now he doesn’t like it? WTF???? He is not SUPPOSED to like it! It should be uncomfortable, disconcerting, a drudgery of working on yourself and learning some unpleasant truths.

    This isn’t a hotel or a vacation resort. They aren’t there to cater to his every whim and make things suit him. If they changed things, there is probably a reason.

    Yes, tell him that you are done paying, but....

    He won’t believe you in the beginning. He will do and say things to make you go back on your word. He will up the ante, so to speak.

    You will have to mean it if you say it.
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  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm still confused about why YOU owe anything. Isn't he over 18? He's legally responsible for the bills even if he's on your insurance. Unless you signed for him as the responsible party, it's on him. Let it be on him.
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I concur with the others. He is playing games.
  6. I always fear relapse and that I guess is why I cave. I am the only one he reaches out to. The only one. He won't even text my husband/his dad back.
    I agree. I need to make him pay for this. I know what will happen. It won't be good.
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    But when you do pay or he reaches out to you (as in asking for money) he still relapses. So it doesnt help for you to keep giving in and your life and money go down with him. If he wants to quit, he will.

    He does not want to quit. No matter how much you spend he wont quit. And if he wants to quit, he will do it without you. Like many here have.

    Take care of yourself.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Trying.... I would talk to the person in charge and tell them you are telling your son that he needs to work with the sober living and iop what he needs to do to stay at the sober living and that you will back them up and then do it. Dont let your son weasel his way out of going to iop... or moving out of sober living. You are more afraid or relapse than he is. I get it.... I have been there so many times.
  9. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    You've done all you can do. Maybe he doesn't want it badly enough.
  10. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    He has to want it enough to make everything you're putting into him worthwhile, and it just doesn't sound like he's in the same place. I think it's time to let go for a while.
  11. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    TTBS, How old is your son? Did you sign that you would pay his co-pays?
    Our almost 22 year old is still on our medical but we are not liable for his co-pays.
    All of the times he has quit has cost him nothing, no consequences. I agree with the others that say Step back. Live your own life and he needs to live his.
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I believe she keeps signing as a guarantor.

    She's afraid.

    We all of us understand.

    This is very hard and very scary.

    This mom has no control. But she feels desperate. Until she surrenders to the reality that what she does is not working, this will continue.

    We become addicted too. Addicted to trying to control the situation and save them. It never worked for me. I tried every single thing. Many times. It never worked.
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So agree with all of you.

    You have to release yourself from thinking that YOU have any control over your son's addiction.

    You have to accept the very worst that can happen here and work backwards. Yes I said that. I had to do that too.

    I am trying to think of what to say that will help you and console you. Many of us have been where you are today. I certainly have.

    The worst part to me is understanding that the disease of addiction makes the addict think they don't need help. It is a cruel and EVIL disease for all involved.

    I do think that my son was full of evil when he was addicted. I feel like I could see the evil. It was so hard for me to separate the person from the addiction. I still have a hard time with that but I am trying.

    There is no magic answer for any of us. I only wish there was. I certainly searched long and hard for it.

    My only advice is to see a therapist that specialized in addiction to help you create firm boundaries with your son and to help you cope. To help you understand that "helping" can actually hurt in the long run. We have to be taught and learn how to deal with this. It isn't a natural thing for mothers.

    And the most important thing that I did was pray. I prayed for seven long years wondering if anyone heard me. I wondered what I had done that caused me to be suffering so badly watching our son destroy himself. I questioned every single thing in my entire life.

    I was very fortunate because my prayers were answered and in some ways I feel like all the pain was worth it. My son is now living a normal life. One day at a time and baby steps but I could not see this in our future before this. Don't ever give up hope.
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  14. My son is 24. I spoke with my counselor today and she felt if he quits IOP that I need to make him responsible for the payment. If he finishes, then she recommended I pay.
    I feel like I should reach out to the IOP and let them know that he usually never completes them and if he leaves the program than the bill needs to be sent to him.
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  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am going to be blunt. There is NOTHING that you can do to keep him from relapsing. It is completely out of your hands.

    He only reaches out to you because he knows he can play you. Your son has zero interest in sobriety and recovery. He just wants a place to stay while he does what he wants. He feels no empathy for you and how much you have spent.

    Addicts only care about themselves and that won't change until he decides that he wants to change. Even then, it takes time and a lot of work for an addict to start caring about others. It is an important part of the 12-step program.

    If your son was truly interested in getting sober, he could do it without your help financially. He is lucky that he has insurance. He would just have to find a place that will take it. There is no reason for you to spend a penny. Many rehabs will settle for the amount that the insurance will pay. There are even places that take addicts on "scholarships" when they don't have any money or insurance.

    You sound just like me many years ago. It wasn't until two years of therapy that I was able to say no and set boundaries. When we did (my husband also benefited from therapy), my daughter got sober.

    I know this is hard to hear but you are enabling him because it is easier for you. Each time you pay for a new rehab/sober living program you get a temporary feeling of hope and relief. The problem is that it never lasts.

    I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

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  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Kathy is 100% on.

    He wants a place to stay while he does what HE wants. That is the key message here.

    Close your wallet and keep it closed.
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  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    An addict won't get sober until they are ready to listen to others and stop trying to manipulate things/people to get what they want (the ability to use drugs/alcohol without suffering the consequences). AA/NA calls it surrender. Addicts need to reach the point where they are so desperate to change that they will ask how high when told to jump.

    Your son is nowhere near that point. He is still very much trying to manipulate you to get what he wants. He thinks he doesn't have to follow rules and does everything he can to get around them.

    You have to get strong enough to stop letting him manipulate you. He is using your love for him to scare you into giving him what he wants. My therapist told my husband and me that our daughter would use things that she knew we would worry about the most to get what she wanted from us. She would tell us she was sick, homeless, hungry . . . all of the things that terrified me. And yet, when I finally stopped giving in to her she was able to find a place to stay and never lost any weight. She called us one time telling us she was living on a street corner. My husband was able to look at her email and saw that she had just ordered a pizza to be delivered to an apartment.

    My therapist kept repeating that my daughter was going to do what she wanted to do and that there was nothing I could do to change her behavior. When I finally accepted that, my life changed. We substantially reduced communication which gave her less opportunities to try to manipulate us. We set a time once a week when she could call and we would talk to her. Even then, we would end the call if she became abusive or manipulative. We blocked her number the rest of the week.

    People only treat you like you let them treat you. Stop letting him bleed you dry.

    One day he might get sober and you can rebuild your relationship. My daughter was just like your son and she will be celebrating her 3-year anniversary of sobriety in March. There is always hope.

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    Last edited: Jan 9, 2019
  18. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Trying - I would let the IOP and the sober living know that you will only pay if he stays there.... if he quits he is completely on his own. I would make sure your son knows that as well.... but then you really need to be willing to follow through with that and not let him manipulate you into backing down. Be prepared to let him be homeless.... it is really hard to do....but sometimes it is what you have to do.