Need your thoughts...


Well-Known Member
I hope you are all having a great trip, RN!

I think it's really hard as a parent of ANY adult child to sit back and watch them make mistakes. Having a difficult child is harder, of course...then having to take a front row seat by virtue of having them at home...well, that just makes everything harder still.

On the other hand, maybe having him home discourages the relationship from becoming more intense?

Ultimately, as you and others have said, there's not much you can do about it. Hopefully it will die of its own weight. Until then, for whatever reason, they are both getting something they need from the relationship or they wouldn't be in it.

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi Rn,
Just catching up. So sorry for this new issue you are dealing with. I am kind of in the same boat with my son in college, dating a very possessive girl. He revealed she has bi-polar and is not on medications.
Sigh, big sigh.
She is controlling and manipulative and is attempting to isolate my son from family. Same thing with the texting, if she texts and he doesn’t reply ASAP, she gets upset, really, really upset. If he calls me and she is there, she will constantly interrupt our conversation. It is painfully obvious to me that she is trying to control my son.
I have tried speaking with him, to no avail. I am hoping that he will grow tired of the constant drama and end the relationship. He will be 19 soon. We were super close before all of this, not so much anymore.
At this point, I don’t think there is much I can say to change his mind. He has to learn.
So, I feel your frustration, and fear of what may come to be.
You have a right to say who is allowed in your home. Especially after a stalking situation. For the life of me, I don’t know why our kids have to complicate their lives this way. My son is also very handsome and a great kid, but does have anxiety issues and has been a bit socially awkward, sort of an old soul that kids didn’t understand. He has been a loner and felt lonely too, like your son. Praying for us both that our sons will see their potential, that they are worthy of someone who will appreciate them for who they are. It is hard to watch this unhealthy relationship unfold with all of the control issues I see. Tried to tell son that there is a difference between love, possession and obsession. But he is as Owl defined in Bambi “twitter-pated!”
Deep breaths sis!


Well-Known Member
He doesn't want to be dependent on pills to "feel better"
An SSRI (like Zoloft or Paxil, and the newer ones) does not create dependency. He can google these if he wants to learn how they work. But they are not a "feel good" type of pill.

I can see everybody's point of view. The baseline situation is the one most of us find ourselves in, that we have ADULTS living in our homes, that are also our CHILDREN. We are triggered by their pain and when they act in ways that seem to put at risk both their own recovery, and OURS, too. To me, that's the boundary issue.

We begin to believe that our distress can be managed by our handing THEIR pain and controlling THEIR learning. And even though we know better, because we're triggered, we don't let go of the sense that some change in THEM will make us feel better. Change the names, change the states, change the issue--it's still all the same thing.

Nonetheless, I will opine about this. RN. You name the problem from the get go. She's a sick puppy. Boundaries, clarity, limits, reiterating do not change the baseline issue. Something is wrong with her that renders her unable or unwilling to either hear him, think through the situation, control her own behavior or change it. End of story.

So. all of this, on son's part, is neither here nor there:
he has been clear with her that he has no interest in marriage
He has never misled her on his intentions. He has tried to get away from her. She won't go away.
Many, many of us are or have been in relationships with people who should change, but can't and won't. And we accept for a long, long time behavior that is unacceptable. We do so for many, many reasons. But bottom line, I think many of us have deep problems in relationships, that we try to overcome, but they're deep and intractable. I know I fit this description. I have called this "lock and key." That we often pick people whose problems mesh with our own. We "fit" together, but based upon limits, rather than strengths. These relationships may not give us what we ultimately need or want but they satisfy needs and keep us safe from the risk and fear of wanting and seeking relationships that could give us more, but scare or threaten us.
Just because someone allows you to take advantage of them doesn’t make it ok.
While I agree with this, I think they're each of them using the other. Son is being used too. Perhaps for kindness, companionship, sex, who knows?

But I can see what you're saying, Apple. There seems on the surface to be a disparity of capacity and potential and vulnerability. And I feel certain that RN would want her son to find a young woman with more confidence, not so held down by her own limits and circumstances. But RN is clear that her son does have vulnerabilities himself. I also agree with Apple that son could if he wanted to, get rid of her, gently, or if such kind measures didn't work, find a more direct way. I don't think this girl is stalking. I think she's making herself available. And son is taking what she's offering. And vice versa. It may not be what we think is the right thing, for anybody involved, but it seems to be what is.

The words "private life" comes to mind. All of us have a private life. And that's one reason that it's hard when our adult children live close in to us. Because their private lives become less so, and we don't like what we see. And at the end of the day, that's on us to deal with. Which is what Wise and Busy seem to be saying.

PS I wouldn't like it either, RN.
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Well-Known Member
How many of us would have given up a SO, even a poor one, because of parent disapproval at age 24?

They will do what they want and learn or not, just like us. And they will make their own decisions, like we did.

Sometimes we forget their ages but THEY don't forget and most don't see a need to consult old people (or us lol). And they may know that are immature but they don't care. They are 24 and no parents can tell them who to date.

How many of our kids had lousy SO? How many had kids with them to make it worse? How many of us had bad SOs once and stayed?

We love our kids but in the end they are young adult (or not so young) and like most don't listen to parents, as we did not.

All we can do is pray it ends. That is all the power we have.

It's hard to see.

Love to all. Prayers too.


100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thanks ladies!

Well due to social distancing, he hasn't asked for her to come over. Thank you God.

Also see that he is on Bumble talking to someone so....maybe

We had a great trip despite Illinois shutting bars and restaurants while we were there. Maybe they were the first state to do this....they are completely shut down now.

Son met up with an old friend that he said got real fat and is a pothead. Only works for his mom's "jumpee" company. Has an associates degree in machine programming but probably won't apply because he'll be drug tested. Only smokes pot, no other drugs. Son said he is a "loser".

Drove home from Chicago due to coronavirus Midway Airport shutdown. We stopped in Memphis for the night and son met up with guy he went through Teen Challenge with. Guy is 23. He works full time at an auto upholstery company and lives with a roommate. Is happy. Son said his apartment is awful, like a dorm. They were in the program together for one year so had been close.

My son felt good that he is doing well now. I think the trip was meant to be. We were meant to be in Memphis that night.
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Well-Known Member
Wow! Glad you had fun, were safe and your son sounds like a thriving adult! Kudos!!! I am so very happy for your entire family and send you hugs and prayers!!!


Well-Known Member
Wonderful news! It definitely sounds like growth has occurred when our young adults can look at someone else's life and assess how they are doing in comparison. It also sounds like your son is becoming less isolated and trying to connect more which is a good thing for his age. I am so happy for you, RN!


100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thanks. Yes we were happy that he reached out on our trip but he still isolates here BUT we saw that he can do it which was hopeful.

All in all, things are good here right now and I am so very very thankful.