New - just found you

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Stick a Fork in Me, Dec 8, 2009.

  1. I did a google search of "parents of kids with ODD" and you were the first hit.

    I don't even know where to begin introducing myself, and I'm sure my story isn't new.

    I have a daughter who just turned 18. She has ODD and quite possibly is bi-polar (can't get a firm diagnosis because she refuses any psychological treatment - doctor prescribed medications as a trial run. Note, family doctor who has been with us for years and has watched my daughter go through all of this. Did great on the medications and was a whole new person until she decided pot was better and she doesn't really need them. Now she's a vicious animal again and apparently I'm a F-ing psycho B**** who is trying to control her and she's an adult and I can't tell her what to do anyway /end quote).

    We've almost gotten her through high school. She has to do independent study through a charter school because she can't handle "regular" school and they can't handle her. She went to the principals office for behavioral problems for the first time when she was in kindergarden. She was in 4th grade the first time she was suspended. We've only made it this far by making it as easy as possible and fighting her every step of the way. I've always rescued her from herself, which I now regret. I should have let her fail.

    I'm sure I can go through the whole spiel about how I've tried everything... but you already know the story.

    All that's left is self-blame and self-loathing and utter terror that she will never be a productive member of society.

    That and the anger, bitterness, and resentment that parents are never supposed to feel.

    I would have a hard time referring to her as a difficult child. PFG would make more sense. My heart is a little too wounded to look on that bright side right now.

    I tend to be a cynic and use a lot of sarcastic humor to survive. I'm sure that will come through here and may make people uncomfortable. Please call me on it if it upsets you - it is not my intention to be rude or disrespectful to anyone. I'm just all open sores and thick, spikey defense mechanisms from living through daily verbal abuse.

    Nobody understands this. They're sure it's the result of bad parenting and poor disciplinary decisions. I spend most of my waking hours trying to pour through every memory and figure out where I went wrong, which I realize is self-indulgent and pointless, but it's hard to resist... like pulling at a loose thread even though I know the only result is unraveling my own sanity.

    I'm sure there are facts and figures I'm supposed to be listing in order to give you a sense of who I am. I'm not sure what all I'm supposed to say. Just writing all of this down is difficult enough. I certainly rarely even say this stuff out loud. Putting it in writing gives it a finality and a truth that are overwhelming.

    This was not my life plan. And these were not my dreams for her.
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hello SAFII, welcome and sorry to hear why you are here. We all came on that day when we felt like we were on our last leg. I remember reading all the profiles and crying. That was 11 or 12 yrs ago. I think. :dont_know:

    Once we get a little more info, I'm sure several parents will be able to add some suggestions.
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Just want to add my welcome, too. You've come to a great place here where I'm sure you will find lots of support, encouragement and information.

    None of us asked for any of this for our kids, let alone expected it. After grieving the reality I thought I'd have with my family, I'm now working on accepting and embracing the "new normal" that is my reality. It's hard work. It's painful. It's frustrating. But I'm determined to make it work eventually.

    There is a forum on this board for parents with difficult child's who are 18 and over, and you might want to post there also. Having an "adult" difficult child comes with its own special set of challenges.
  4. Thanks for the welcomes!

    I think I did the signature right -we'll see if it worked.

    I've been reading in that other forum - SO FAMILIAR. Amazing to not be alone.

    I think the 18th birthday has made the reality hit home even harder. It's like the childhood is over and I failed miserably in the job I was supposed to do. I look at people with "normal" children, all sharing their frustrations over "normal" teenaged stuff, and I mostly want to smack them. They have no idea. None at all.

    Mostly these days I'm trying to emotionally disengage... easier said than done. And when there are tears (and there are often tears) I do my best to hide them. She responds best when she seems to think she's not gettingn through to me at all. How twisted is that?
  5. jal

    jal Member

    My difficult child is only 7 and I so understand from where you come. Even though they are so apart in age, I can hear what you are saying loud and clear.

    Welcome...this is a great place...we all understand.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome. This truly is a soft place. We really do know. when we say been there done that it is true. So very few people have lived through what we have, what we are living through.

    So we HAVE to come here for support. You will find TONS of support here. All kinds. And even a kick in the tail if it is what you really need. But it will be done with love and the best of intentions.

    Keep browsing. Maybe search the forums for "detachment". I think you will find the information interesting.

    Sending lots of hugs and again, Welcome!

  7. Welcome! You found a good place. I was happy to find this place where my story wasn't unusual. I, too, was fed up with co-workers who got so distressed when their kid came home with a NOTE FROM THE TEACHER! Oh, my! Mine was kicked out of pre-school, suspended multiple times in first grade, etc. He's almost 9, so I'm only halfway to 18. [Sad thing is, he's a lot like me. I cried myself to a pulp when I realized I bequeathed him those genes. My mother should have lived to see this.] Anyway, I picked up a lot of useful coping techniques here and general support. You will, too. Good luck and all that!

    by the way, I have a fairly edgy sense of humor myself. I think you'll find quite a few people here do -- it's a great coping tool. And I absolutely loved your name!
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board!
  9. lizanne2

    lizanne2 New Member

    Welcome to the Board!

    Keep the humor coming---whatever works! Yesterday at a school meeting I heard a group of mom's moan about the most trivial of issues.... one was especially concernd that her daughter was using 'text talk'. Thought maybe the girl should be grounded. Some days I am just hoping for lanuguage, and then on a good day, language that is suitable for most tv viewers. So I hear you.

    I anm not glad yo uhad to find the board but glad you are here.
  10. aninom

    aninom New Member

    Welcome Fork! Count me part of the sarcasm fan club. Black humor does help. I am very new here as well, and just knowing you are not alone, that everybody here knows exactly what you mean, being able to vent - it is like an oasis in a thorny desert.

    It's not your fault. It's just not. Maybe you won't believe it as readily when it comes from fellow moms, so let me say it as a productive member of society and sibling to a difficult child - it's not your fault. My parents were and are great people. I had pretty bad issues myself as a kid, but I turned out fine because they helped me through. My sister hasn't changed an iota since she was 7.

    Your difficult child came into this world with a specific set of genes, a specific neurological layout be it from genes or in-utero development, and an environment outside of your influence that may or may not help her deal with that neurological layout. Best you can do is figure out what is different about your difficult child, and how to best help her manage that difference. Neither which is easy to do when she refuses to work with you in that process.

    ...And that's why you find an awesome board like this!
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the board. We all found this board on a day much like the day when you found it. Ive been here for over 10 years now. As you can see in my signature, my kids are all grown up now. I just stay because I like it here, and to give back what I got.

    These kids, and also us parents who are difficult child's in our own right (me for an can be tough to handle. They certainly werent what we expected when we first held that little baby in our arms. Ive learned though that none of my kids have become what I dreamed of when I held them. One is closer but they all have their own quirks and unique gifts. One thing I was told, and it has proven true, is that kids seem to mature much later than we think they should. 18 just isnt the true benchmark. Wait until the mid-twenties and see how she is. My difficult child is much better at 23 than he ever was in his late teens.
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Welcome! The humor? Yep...we know a thing or two about twisted humor. I've talked about this before but it still cracks me up. A bunch of us got together this past summer for a weekend. During dinner at the hotel, we each got up and told how we found the board and a little about what brought us there. The hotel had our very large table separated from the rest of the restaurant but the staff would occasionally walk through. Some of them happened through as we were telling our stories. Imagine having no idea there are difficult child's out there (let alone some of the things we as their parents deal with) and hearing people LAUGH while someone is talking about their kid having personal moments while in the kitchen on the computer. I think we may have scarred them just a bit.

    I have very few friends who even come close to understanding. Sometimes I'll slip and crack a joke around them that I would normally save for here. I get some very strange looks and have even been lectured. But, if you can't develop a sense of humor about it, I think that just makes your stress levels even higher.

    Again, welcome. You'll find a lot of good here!
  13. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome. I'm with you on the dark humor as well.. it's my own survival mechanism. If I couldn't laugh at the absurdity of it all, I think I'd go insane (more insane?!)
  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in my welcome; glad you found us.