New Member......Need Help

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Sumsky, Mar 8, 2018.

  1. Sumsky

    Sumsky Active Member

    I am new and looking for some help. Some background... I have a daughter (12), son (17) and stepson (15). My three kids have been raised together for the past 11 years. Our problems are regarding my stepson. A little of his history..... He has only had contact with his bio mom twice in the past 5 years and before that it was very sporadic visits. She has mental health issues. She is a drug addict, in and out of jail, in and out of abusive relationships, etc. My husband (his dad) has full legal rights. Bio mom has no rights. My SS paternal great grandparents have been very active in his life. He has spent every Friday night at their home since he was 6 months old. They have always made the call on what, when, how everything was done for SS. (I hate this) SS has always had behavioral issues. He was diagnosed with ADHD in elementary school. I have always been the primary contact for school, doctors, etc. I had to fight husband's entire family to have him treated for ADHD. Even though we were getting almost daily calls from the school regarding his behavior. Although the hyper part has seemed to have diminished as he's gotten older, the attention part has gotten worse. He is highly impulsive. He is a compulsive liar. He manipulates any and everyone to get what he wants. He doesn't care who he hurts in the process as long as he gets what he wants. No discipline makes an impact. He can follow all the rules until he gets privileges back. Then it is the same thing all over again. He never learns from his mistakes. He can look you in the eye and tell you the sky is green to the point that you actually start to question if it is you or him that is right. I have always tried to hold all 3 kids to the same expectations as far as chores, honesty, homework, etc. SS does not want to be held accountable for anything. He will go to great grandparents and tell them how hard we are on him, that we mistreat him, that we do for the other 2 children but not for him. And they actually believe him. SS has taken grandparents credit card and spent $1100 on computer parts and they are ok with it. They spent hundreds of dollars a month buying him anything he asks for. We have asked repeatedly for it to stop. We are told 'it is our money, we will spent it how we want'. Husband has started limiting the amount of time spent with great grandparents so they are no longer talking to us. So with that being said, SS got kicked out of school the week before Thanksgiving. He was expelled for exposing himself to 2 girls in art class. We were told by school administration that had he been 16, he would have been arrested. (He will be 16 in August). They were willing to allow him to do cyber school through the district. Since I am the one that always handles school work with all the kids, I was the contact and worked through getting him set up and tried to keep him on track. Needless to say, it didn't work. He just wasn't doing anything all day long. So, I found him a school in the area that would accept him. It was a school that does online and classroom. He was in the principals office within the first 2 weeks with issues over his phone. So, we take his phone from him that evening. I check through his phone and find a video in the deleted folder. I restore the video only to find that he is recording my 12 yo daughter in the bathroom. He is sliding his phone under the edge of the bathroom door and recording without her knowing. Hindsight is 20/20.... my daughter's friend had told us about a month prior to this that she saw his phone under the door when she got out of the shower. We checked his phone and found nothing. About 2 weeks after that I saw him sitting on the floor outside the bathroom door and questioned what he was doing. I took his phone checked it, found nothing. We have since found out that he has an app on his phone that looks like a calculator, but if you enter a pin number it opens to a private stash of picture. So, now SS is in counseling as well as daughter. We have taken all internet access, all video games, and cell phone from SS. After 4 weeks of 30 min sessions with SS counselor, counselor feels we should give him back his electronics and that he is not a threat to himself or my daughter. I feel differently. I have an adult at my home 24/7. I do not trust him. The school had told us when they kicked SS out that they felt his behavior was escalating to the point that they were concerned about letting him remain in the school. We did not find out there were issues before this until he exposed himself. We have been catching him on porn sites for the past 2 years. Although we did talk to him and even limited his online access to sites. We also felt that some of this was 'teen boy' stuff. However, it is now out of hand. I am concerned for my daughter's safety. I feel his behavior is escalating and that it could escalate to the point of rape. My husband feels I am completely overreacting. He feels that SS did not mean any harm and that he really did nothing to harm daughter. I feel daughter was violated, not physically, but violated all the same. SS has gotten completely out of control since getting kicked out of school. My husband and I both work full time. SS does school from home every Friday. Great grandmother comes to our home every Friday while we are at work and takes him shopping and out to eat. She buys him whatever he asks for. He has even told us that she (great grandmother) said he just needs to come live with her cause we are too mean and hateful to him. We have asked her not to come to our house without us home, she does anyway. My husband's parents have even tried to talk to them about undermining our authority and the damage it is doing. They ignore it. Meanwhile SS seems to enjoy the discord he is causing. I have no idea what else to do. This may sound terrible, but I am to the point that I don't care what happens anymore with SS as long as it doesn't hurt me or my kids (and I do mean my bio kids). My focus is my daughter and her safety. I am convinced that he has antisocial personality disorder. I just want to get through the next 2 1/2 years with him and send him packing. Am I terrible for feeling this way? What else can I do? He has completely conned his counselor. He conns his teachers, etc. We are on a waiting list for a full evaluation at a local psychological clinic. Anyone have any situations like this? Where do I go? What do I do??
     
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Welcome. You are in the right place.

    Your Mother Bear spidey sense is right on target. Your stepson is dangerously mentally ill and a predator. Videotaping a 12 year old girl in the bathroom is definitely NOT NORMAL even for a hormone crazed teenage boy. Porn yes, videotaping an unknowing (and very young) family member in the bathroom is absolutely in another dimension.

    You are correct to fear that he will escalate and unfortunately, it sounds like everyone around you is enabling him.

    None of us know your situation, or can tell you what to do.....with that said, I can tell you if it were ME I would take my biological children, leave the home and separate from Dad if he is unwilling to keep his other children safe from his oldest son. The alternative is that you stay and the situation worsens since nobody else is on the same (correct) page as you at the present time. My stepson is also enabled and allowed to do whatever he wants/get away with whatever he does. He is not a sexual predator to the best of our knowledge but he has become violent in the past. My wife (his mom) and her ex husband (the father) have never been on the same page as far as dealing with stepson and the situation has gotten worse and not better.

    I do think your loyalty has to lie with your children over your husband, at least for now. I do think you need to get them away from their very sick stepbrother.

    I am so sorry. You may want to consult an attorney to understand what your next step should be.

    Make that you WILL want to consult an attorney.

    All the best and please stick around and keep us posted.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have to go but I had adopted a child like SS who had a very horrible past and he had severe reactive attachment disorder which is caused by early neglect/abuse and unstable caregiving. Look it up. These kids never learn to trust, lack a conscience and since often somebody they knew sexually acted out on them or in front of them (a man mother knew?) very often they are sexual even with siblings. Our adopted son hurt our two littles. We got CPS to remove home. We had no choice. He killed animals too. I can go on and on
    At 13 he WAS charged and taken to a sort of jail residential. We never saw him again.

    He was achild who had every symptom of a psychopath.

    Please watch your other kids and try to find a great psychologist who understands childhood attachment and trama. Have a good day and watch his every move for your children's sake. He may be more dangerous than he shows. They are good actors. Took us two years to know what he was doing as the .littles were too scared of him to say anything.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 8, 2018
  4. Sumsky

    Sumsky Active Member

    Thank you for your response and advise..... I have been starting to feel like I am the crazy one and that maybe my 'Mama Bear' was just a little overly protective. I will definitely be sticking around. This site has already given me a sense of relief.
     
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  5. Sumsky

    Sumsky Active Member

    This is the first that I have heard or come across reactive attachment disorder. I will definitely be looking that up. Thank you so much for your advice.
     
  6. First of all you are not bad for feeling this way!! Second of all don't let anyone tell that if he was your biological child you would feel in different. I have similar issues but my children are all biological. 1 graduated from treatment (nonsexual) issues but treatment did help still seeing a therapist 1x a week. 2nd child is 16 and is in a treatment facility for sexual issues. I never left my kids home alone but my then 15 year old was sexually molesting my 10 year old daughter for 5 years. 2 1/2 years was under my roof. My kids were in therapy, my kids had mental health workers through the county. Now one even saw signs. You have to do what you need to keep your daughter safe. At the treatment center they have been talking about reunification. This scares the hell out of me. I need to keep my daughter safe. I still love my son but due to his actions I am not sure if he can come home.
     
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  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Sumsky

    BBU and SWOT have given you great advice.

    None of this is your fault, but you seem to be left holding the bag on this. You are not overreacting.

    I have a 12 year old daughter, as well as older step sons (they are adults, now).

    If there was even a hint of any impropriety toward my daughter by anyone, that person would no longer live in my home.

    If it were me, the choices would be that step-son leaves immediately, or my kids and I would be getting an apartment tomorrow. Your step-son’s counselor is way off base. I am concerned for the safety of your daughter and any friends she brings to the house. I would be extremely upset if I found that a parent of my daughter’s friend had this situation in the home and my daughter was potentially in danger.

    You are the only person in this situation that seems to be on the side of the victims. Everyone else seems to be more concerned about the well-being of the perpetrator. Even if it is true that the young man has learned his lesson, and will never do this again, how can you know this is true? They want you to gamble with your daughter’s life that they are correct? The price is too high.

    Trust your instincts.

    Apple
     
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  8. Sumsky

    Sumsky Active Member

    Thank you Apple! We had an emergency psyche evaluation in mid January (the day after finding the video). That counselor found that SS was not a threat to himself or anyone else. She also told him that since he is 15, he has the say in all his medical info. We has the option of allowing us to have the info or not and he has the option of signing himself out of care. Both my SS and daughter's counselors have said there is not an immediate threat (they are mandated reports and have not reported anything). My SS counselor told all of us that he is a mandated reporter and they (counselor and SS) have an understanding, not to worry it won't happen again. Counselor told SS that if it happens again, he would have no choice but to turn him into the police. So counselor feels sure it won't happen again. How can all these 'professionals' see this and think there is no threat to my daughter??
     
  9. Sumsky

    Sumsky Active Member

    How does a 'crisis evaluation' counselor, SS psychologist and daughter's counselor all feel there is no threat in our home? That is why my husband feels I am overreacting. If the crisis counselor or SS counselor would have taken this more serious, he would have agreed. Neither of them feel it was very serious. So, since they are the 'professionals', they know what they are doing. I don't. Have you run into these so called professionals being very blasé??
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I personally would not think they could know for sure. I would not want daughter with him.
     
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  11. LookingForPeace

    LookingForPeace New Member

    You are not overreacting! I think you are very wise to be concerned!! In my experience, there are a lot of counselors out there and some are better than others. Keep looking for one who understands your concerns so you can lean on them for support.

    My son was "unofficially" diagnosed with Anti Social Personality Disorder. He became so out of control we chose to enroll him in a boarding school geared towards the juvenile delinquent.

    Our son had never done anything illegal but we knew it was just a matter of time before he got in trouble with the law. Financially it's challenging but we have restored peace in our home and we are all safe from his manipulation.

    I think you seriously need to consider removing him from the home or you and your children. It is not okay what he did and he needs professional help. Unfortunately people with ASPD typically don't think they have a problem and therefore YOU are going to have to set boundaries so you can get off the hamster wheel and find some sanity. Boundaries can be BIG and they can be little. A BIG boundary might be, he is not allowed to live in the house. Hope this makes sense.

    Hugs! And you are not crazy! People with ASPD are very sneaky and good at making you feel like you are losing your mind.
     
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  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    We have a member here whose step-son made an almost successful suicide attempt (I think it was this past fall) which has left him with serious issues. He was crying and telling the school counselor that he was considering suicide again just the other day, yet she said it didn’t meet the criteria for any interventions (since he didn’t admit to having an actual plan) so nothing happened. The member doesn’t have custody, so they have no say in the situation, though they were told what happened.

    Most of us have had counselors, school personnel, psychologists, psychiatrists, and other professionals give our kids many different and conflicting diagnoses and told us many different and conflicting things. It’s not an exact science. Some of our kids and young adults are very manipulative and able to fool even professionals. And you did say he is a compulsive liar. So, this person is sure he is truthful now?

    Your step-son has done several things which, if he were a little older, would have him on a sex-offender list for life. Exposing himself, making, or attempting to make, child porn videos of your daughter and her friend are serious offenses. I don’t know why this counselor thinks he is reformed after, what, four 30-minute sessions? What possibly could have happened in those few sessions that made him/her sure that your step-son won’t ever do anything like this again? Is this person a miracle worker? Does this come with a guarantee or your money back...(sarcasm)

    In my opinion, one month without electronics and four 30-minute counseling sessions is not anywhere near enough to impress upon the young man the seriousness of the situation. I don’t know how the counselor can’t be so sure he won’t offend again. I do know that he will be more sneaky about it, if he does it again, though. You won’t catch him so easily next time.

    I wouldn’t want to risk it, myself.

    Apple
     
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  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Our adopted son, age 13 when caught, WAS arrested and put on the list if sexual predators for molesting our kids who were six years younger than him. They were three and five (if I remember correctly.) Had your daughter been six years younger than your son he would have been arrested and labeled a sexual predator NOW. A six year age difference is when a teen can be arrested and labeled a predator and get his picture on the parade of offenders. Your son was one year lucky.

    I would refuse to bring him home. If you can, hire a lawyer.
     
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  14. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    To me the biggest problem you face is the lack of support from your husband and his family. Their undermining of your parenting is a HUGE issue and will ensure that your stepson continues escaping the consequences of his actions.

    I really hate to sound judgmental or negative, but I can't help but think that the family you are in is more interested in protecting the perpetrator (stepson), as others have commented.

    Families can be emotionally sick as well as individuals, and it sounds like your husband's side of the family definitely has an emotional illness. These types of families can be very "clannish", suspicious, and angry when anyone points out their sickness. And the first thing they do is deny, deny, deny.

    If it were me I would be out. I am so sorry to say, but it doesn't sound like a situation that is going to improve.

    I would not want my daughter's abuse on my conscience. He has already abused her by taking those videos, and only Satan knows what he will escalate to doing next. He may also perp on her friends. This could expose you to legal liability from that child's parents.
     
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  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree 100 percent with Bbu. 200 per cent. Every word. And, yes, you and hub would be liable if SS hurt your daughter's friends. And in my opinion your daughter is the victim. She needs the protection. SS needs severe help but not from home. He needs to go or if it we're me I'd go and take my kids with me.
     
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  16. Sumsky

    Sumsky Active Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this! I can't imagine. I don't think I would ever feel comfortable with them together again.
    I do have guilt over how I would feel if this were my bio child. Our whole relationship it has been expected that I will do the 'mother' things.... Doctor, School, etc. But I have NEVER been allowed to have a say in discipline unless I pushed the issue and said it is happening this way like it or not. And then it is insinuated that I am hard on him because he is 'not mine'.
     
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  17. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    You are not in a supportive marriage or family situation I am sorry to say.

    I understand your feeling guilty, but sometimes showing love means allowing natural consequences to occur. What your stepson has done is so horrific that it defies the imagination. The only things worse would be murder and things of that nature.

    You may have to ask yourself if you are willing to allow your stepson to dictate the safety of your biological children.

    It sounds like your stepson has been set up as the "golden child" who can do no wrong. Maybe they feel badly that his biological mother is such a wreck. But to say you have "no say" is to basically state that you are not a full member of this family. That you are like a child yourself who has to abide by your husband's and in-laws' rules. That is BS and not fair to you.
    To say the least!

    Again I am so sorry. These children rip marriages apart. My marriage has suffered as a result of my difficult stepchildren and all of their baggage. Many more of us have similar stories to tell.

    Keep posting. And call a lawyer. It doesn't mean you have to take any action yet, but it's probably time, from the way it sounds, to gather information.
     
  18. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    The step-parent thing adds another dimension to this.

    Almost every disagreement my hubby and I have ever had concerns one of our adult kids (I have three, he has two).

    However, the fact that he is your step-son has no bearing on the situation at hand. Don’t let his bio-family members’ insinuations that you might feel differently if he were yours, color your decisions. You would do what you had to do to protect your daughter no matter what. You know that.

    Let’s turn this around—what if the 12 year old was your step-daughter and the 15 year old offender was your son? Would they still feel comfortable with him around their little girl? Would they be willing to risk her safety for your son’s sake?
     
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    Last edited: Mar 8, 2018
  19. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I agree with what those ahead of me have said. Protect your daughter and be prepared by consulting an attorney to protect you and your other childrens rights. I would also want a face to face with these councelors to ask them why they are so sure what evidence do they have .
     
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  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have had people insinuate that because this child I had is adopted I made him go. Well, my two littles were also adopted and in the case of sexual abuse of others I would not have let ANY offender stay home to harm others. I have one bio. son and I had to make him leave for abusing me and his adopted sister. It is people who think their DNA is sacred that would talk to you that way about you and your step son. It's nonsense.

    It is not only bad for your daughter to be around SS but it is bad for SS to be in the home. He needs extreme help and to be watched for his own sake. He probably was abused by his mother or her lovers and he needs 24/7 care if there is any chance of healing. He needs more help than anyone home can give him and apparently Daughter is a trigger for his darkest side.

    It is them, not you. I think your marriage is aproblem and in laws are ridiculous. Save yourself and kids. Please be good to yourself.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2018