New Member......Need Help

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Adding on to the "stepparent" discussion, while I am well aware that I will never have the same rights (or responsibilities) as DS' and YS' biological parents, I am empowered by my wife as well as her ex-husband to parent them appropriately - for example, light discipline such as a scolding or sending to their room. Obviously I would not be unilaterally making major decisions about either child but my opinion was and is sought and in some instances acted upon by both parents. I do give my wife's ex husband credit for that.

Certainly as a stepparent I was sought by both DS and YS (once upon a time, seems so long ago!) as a confidant and as another close, trusted adult with whom they could discuss concerns and air feelings. As their adolescence progressed things grew more complicated, too many issues from their parents' earlier marriage which damaged them and their relationship to my wife, possibly beyond repair, who knows, I try to live in the moment as much as possible. I do miss the days when I was closer to them and we saw them more. I enjoyed being their stepmom.

I am sorry you are not equally respected by your stepson's biological relatives. You should be! Especially since you are apparently trustworthy enough to handle all of their schooling business!

 

[Sumsky]

Thank you all so much for your advice. I think I’ve known all along what I needed to do but was having everyone else (including counselors) act like I was making a big deal out of nothing. Not that I wish this on anyone, but it is nice to know I’m not alone. And that I’m not overreacting like I’m always told. I have been SS everyday caregiver for the past 11 years(just without being allowed to make the decisions). I really thought after being expelled from school that they would start realizing some of these issues. But apparently not. I now believe that they will never see this kid in a true light. It scares me for what is to come and who will be his next victim. I just want to warn everyone to stay away from him before he can do any more damage!!

 

[Searching for answers]

Thank you all so much for your advice. I think I’ve known all along what I needed to do but was having everyone else (including counselors) act like I was making a big deal out of nothing. Not that I wish this on anyone, but it is nice to know I’m not alone. And that I’m not overreacting like I’m always told. I have been SS everyday caregiver for the past 11 years(just without being allowed to make the decisions). I really thought after being expelled from school that they would start realizing some of these issues. But apparently not. I now believe that they will never see this kid in a true light. It scares me for what is to come and who will be his next victim. I just want to warn everyone to stay away from him before he can do any more damage!!

Again like I said before it has nothing to do about being a step mom vs biological. I am having the same issues with my son. Oh I am going to stick to my guns. I am a force to be reckoned with. I never back down.

 

[susiestar]

It sounds like your SS is able to charm the counselors into believing he is not a threat. My oldest did this many times. I truly understand how you feel. My husband kept asking me why I kept disagreeing with the PROFESSIONALS. I kept telling him that my instincts as the mother of both the child who is disturbed and the child the disturbed one is preying on are screaming at me. I also told him that no "professional" spends more time with our kids than I do, so no "professional" has as complete a picture of what is going on as I did. Therefor, my instincts were the ones we were going to rely on. Period.

Why not send your stepson to go live with the idiot grandparents? If they want to spoil him so much, let them? Keep his electronics and let them buy new ones. Do NOT let him into your cloud accounts. He likely has uploaded photos of your daughter and her friends there. This is NOT an easy suggestion. It is made to keep your daughter safe. She won't be safe as long as she lives in a house with him. He is a sexual predator. He just is. That is the name for someone who acts the way he does. If he uploads her photos online, it won't matter what is done to him. She will NEVER get her privacy back. She will be violated by hundreds of thousands of people who view and copy and paste and sell and resell her image time and time again. Later, when she wants a job as an adult, anyone who searches her name and image will likely find the images he uploaded of her. Don't think this cannot happen. More and more companies are doing name and image searches to find out what things people have done on social media and on the internet before they are hired. Once your image is out there used like this, you are in a real mess. While a company may be sympathetic that your image was used without your permission, they still probably won't want you representing their company.

Do whatever you need to do in order to save your daughter from your stepson. You know what he is like. The counselors and other people are fooled by him. They have five minutes to spend seeing a snapshot of his behavior. Anyone can look good in a snapshot. Looking good for the long run of life is different. We had to have my son live with my parents from the time he was 14. He was too violent to live in the same house with his siblings safely. My parents begged for a chance to get through to him. None of us know how or why it worked, but eventually we all got through it. I don't think you will get to where we are now. My kids are friends now. They care about each other and would do anything for each other. But it wasn't easy to get to here. I don't know if your SS will ever get to here. Especially not with the grandparents interference. I would just let the grandparents have him. Drop him off to them and be done.

No, I am not kidding. It would be best for your other kids. It is also probably what SS wants, to a point. Just don't give SS anything electronic that he had in yoru household.

 

[Baggy Bags]

My son is also 15 and I also suspect anti-social personality disorder.

I'm sorry your husband is still in some denial. Sounds like you could both do with family therapy as well.
He'll get there, but it takes time. My husband and mom are also a few steps behind me, and it can be infuriating when they still believe his BS.

My son tried to poison me and the doctors have been very blase about it.
I think that when they don't see many other options for a family, they'll try to minimize certain things and then try to help us work through them.
But it sounds like there *are* other options for your family.

Why don't you let him go live with great grandparents? I can imagine a million reasons why you wouldn't, but I'm wondering what yours are.
And good for you for standing up to hub's family to do what you know is right for your SS.

I hope you start getting more support all around. Stay strong, momma!

 

[Sumsky]

susiestar and Baggy Bags, thank you for your support. I have thought many times about sending SS to great grandparents. SS paternal grandparents and dad (my in-laws and husband) agree that SS has issues. They feel he needs counseling and help. They agree great parents are a big part of the problem. But NONE of them feel it is as serious as it is. I have fought the amount of influence great grandparents had on our family since day 1. Great grandparents have no problem with spending crazy amounts of money on SS just because he says he wants something. And then they will send SS home with all of it with nothing for the other 2 kids. It took years to change that. But now what happens is it still comes into my house, it is just hidden as it comes in. So they have taught SS how to sneak, lie, hide, manipulate, etc. When he gets caught and my husband calls them on it, it is turned on me and me only and said that I am just jealous of the money they have and want for my kids. These people are all about the money. They have used it to control my father in law, my husband and now my SS all their lives. They still do it with my father in law and SS. It has taken years and these issues with SS for my husband to see that they aren't very nice people. They have completely alienated 2 other grandchildren because they couldn't control them with their money. My father in law is the 'golden child', my husband is the 'golden grandchild' (or was until these issues with SS) and my SS is the 'golden great grandchild'. That being said... grandparents and dad won't allow it to happen now because they see the damage it is doing. It has taken me years of pointing things out to finally have it seen. mother in law and father in law are divorced and father in law is remarried. father in law new wife has been a great support to me. She has said from very early on that something wasn't right with SS. That has helped father in law to see that it is not just me being mean to his grandson. On top of that SS has gotten verbal aggressive with great grandparents when they do try to tell him no. Great grandparents are in upper 80s and they are afraid he may hurt them if someone is not around. So, why they don't see that he could hurt a 12 yo is beyond me. I also know that if SS is sent to live with them, there is NO HOPE. While part of me says I don't even care anymore just get him away from me. The other part of me says that I would NEVER do that to my bio children but I would go to the ends of the earth to get them the right help!(which I am not allowed to do for SS)

 

[BusynMember]

Maybe SS has part genetic behavior too. Great grandparents sound narcissistic. Normal parents don't have golden children. They treat their beloved kids with an equal amount of love. With a golden child comes a scapegoat, which is horrid for the scapegoat. Yet greats are not helping their great grandson one bit.

There are limits as to what can be done for sexual predators and no guarantees of success, although you have a better shot with a younger person. Still....can they ever really be trusted?

I don't know if the child, now man, who molested my two babies (now we'll adjusted adults) is better. I hope so. From FB, he has three little girls and a boy. He was arrested twice since turning 18, but not for sexual abuse. But he is good at hiding v what he does and has grown tall and buff. I hope to hello he no longer does the things he did, but I wouldn't bet on him.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

There you have it, then. Your husband's great grandparents are malignant narcissists from what you describe (google the term and see if you agree) and they are controlling the entire family.

Somebody will have to say NO MORE and it seems like that person will likely be you.

Regardless of anything else that may or may not happen, you need to protect his target (your 12 y/o daughter) as well as your other bio kids.

Please know that unfortunately changing these types of family dynamics, because a) they have gone on for so long and b) the persons who are "in control" are usually severely mentally ill, controlling, angry, damaged, vengeful, etc. themselves.....is very rare if not impossible. It is impossible for sure without everyone involved admitting that change is needed and then investing many many hours (years) of therapy.

It's encouraging that your husband and his parents, especially your mother in law agrees with you at least in part that SS is troubled and that his behavior isn't normal. That is a start and offers some hope that your marriage is not the problem, rather it is these great grandparents and the influence they hold over everyone excepting yourself.

However the problem still remains, and you have younger children to protect from SS, so in that sense the situation is the same.

I hope we are some small comfort to you. I still suggest you talk to a lawyer about child endangerment and child custody concerns. Another mandated reporter may see this situation very differently from your stepson's therapist.

 

[BusynMember]

Most mandated reporter would call CPS. This therapist can get into trouble for not reporting it.

 

[Sumsky]

Most mandated reporter would call CPS. This therapist can get into trouble for not reporting it.

SS psychologist has not reported it.(although he did warn SS if this or anything else happens again, he will report it) Daughter's counselor has not reported it. Crisis evaluation counselor did not report it. And the school when he exposed himself did not report it. This is WHY my husband doesn't feel it is that serious. He feels that none of these people think it is as big of a deal as I do. WHY have 4 professionals not reported it?? That's why I'm questioning my own intuition....

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Do you have written records from all of these individuals justifying their decision not to report?

This seems really odd to me. I am a mandated reporter and I'd call for less.

 

[BusynMember]

I think they blew it. This is very odd. I was a mandated reporter as a foster parent and would have called.

We we're the ones who called CPS on this boy. Nobody knew what he did. You could call too. Not to hurt him but to get him help and protect your other kids. Guarantee you CPS will take it seriously that he molested your daughter for five years. And they have more power than all of these people put together. Are you in the U.S?

 

[Sumsky]

Do you have written records from all of these individuals justifying their decision not to report?

This seems really odd to me. I am a mandated reporter and I'd call for less.

No, we have nothing documented. We have the paperwork from the school when he was expelled. It states what happened but does not say that they chose not to report. They just told us that because he was 15 they wanted to give him a chance to learn from this without a record to carry around. (My in laws have busing contracts with the school district. My SS grandfather and great grandfather are in regular contact with school administration. It's my thought that even without being asked to make an exception, they did make an exception for the family) Also, the school was going to 'seal' this record and changed all discipline notes to inappropriate behavior instead of indecent exposure. Again, so that it doesn't follow him. He is allowed to return to the school district for the 2018-2019 school year. And the counselors have never given us anything. The crisis evaluation counselor also told us that she could only talk to us and give us information with SS permission as he is over 14. Our state has medical privacy for anyone 14 and over.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

It might be, based on what you've said, that they chose not to report because he did not actually touch your stepdaughter.

Even with that caveat, I still say he should be reported.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

No, we have nothing documented. We have the paperwork from the school when he was expelled. It states what happened but does not say that they chose not to report. They just told us that because he was 15 they wanted to give him a chance to learn from this without a record to carry around. (My in laws have busing contracts with the school district. My SS grandfather and great grandfather are in regular contact with school administration. It's my thought that even without being asked to make an exception, they did make an exception for the family) Also, the school was going to 'seal' this record and changed all discipline notes to inappropriate behavior instead of indecent exposure. Again, so that it doesn't follow him. He is allowed to return to the school district for the 2018-2019 school year. And the counselors have never given us anything. The crisis evaluation counselor also told us that she could only talk to us and give us information with SS permission as he is over 14. Our state has medical privacy for anyone 14 and over.

Sounds like your husband's family's status is definitely a factor here, which gives YOU a lot of power. It looks very suspicious for preferential treatment, possibly rising to an illegal level.

I would call a lawyer with this information yesterday, preferably one outside your local community if your husband's family is so powerful there.

 

[Sumsky]

I think they blew it. This is very odd.

We we're the ones who called CPS on this boy. Nobody knew what he did. You could call too. Not to hurt him but to get him help and protect your other kids. Guarantee you CPS will take it seriously that he molested your daughter for five years. And they have more power than all of these people put together. Are you in the U.S?

I think they blew it. This is very odd.

We we're the ones who called CPS on this boy. Nobody knew what he did. You could call too. Not to hurt him but to get him help and protect your other kids. Guarantee you CPS will take it seriously that he molested your daughter for five years. And they have more power than all of these people put together. Are you in the U.S?

My SS was caught video recording my daughter in the bathroom just 6 weeks ago. This hasn't been ongoing for 5 years. And yes, I am in the US.

 

[BusynMember]

I was going to ask if the family had any power over anyone. Bet they called! You can still call CPS. CPS won't care who they are.

Maybe it is just best to get out of this situation where SS can sexually abuse your daughter and get off. It is not the norm. Our child was 13 and nobody hesitated to charge him in court! The family is powerful and toxic!!

 

[AppleCori]

SS psychologist has not reported it.(although he did warn SS if this or anything else happens again, he will report it) Daughter's counselor has not reported it. Crisis evaluation counselor did not report it. And the school when he exposed himself did not report it. This is WHY my husband doesn't feel it is that serious. He feels that none of these people think it is as big of a deal as I do. WHY have 4 professionals not reported it?? That's why I'm questioning my own intuition....

This makes no sense. It will be a crime worthy of being reported if he does it AGAIN, but not the first time he committed the offense?

I don’t know why all these professionals aren’t reporting this, but it is wrong.

And, yes, making exceptions for kids whose parents are influential or very involved happens all the time. My step-son’s friend always got special privileges and exceptions made for him in school, because he was an athlete and because his mom is a very dominant and pushy person who is very involved in the schools. It came back to bite him, though. She has found that she couldn’t push the college administrators around nearly as easily, and her son dropped out a couple of years ago, and is doing nothing. If he had been held accountable, he would probably be better off right now.

 

[Sumsky]

Sounds like your husband's family's status is definitely a factor here, which gives YOU a lot of power. It looks very suspicious for preferential treatment, possibly rising to an illegal level.

I would call a lawyer with this information yesterday, preferably one outside your local community if your husband's family is so powerful there.

I didn't even think about these things until being asked. But this is starting to make a little more sense now. The school did tell us that they would not press charges, but the 2 girls' parents could still press charges. That would've been out of the schools control. I have the paperwork from the school at home. I call an attorney for an appointment and get that paperwork and make copies just in case. Thank you!

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

I think Sumsky, unfortunately, one thing I have learned going through all the drama with my stepsons these last four odd years, is that the only person I can control is myself.

No matter what does or does not happen with SS, you still have to decide how to proceed with protecting your daughter.

I understand at least to a limited extent, from my own experience, how gut wrenching it is to stare at blowing up your life in order to (insert reason here).

At one point I have considered doing ALL of the below (I did not actually follow through because the situations changed; but if I had bio children of my own to consider I may have done some or all of them):

1. Buying a weapon to use against DS if he assaulted me, my wife, or YS; thank goodness I came to my senses on this one. I abandoned the idea of a gun very quickly but would have been open to acquiring a Taser and taking lessons on how to use it.
2. Separating/Divorcing
3. Turning in family members to CPS

One thing I DID do which helped a lot was going to therapy for myself.

It's a lot - we get it and we'll try hard not be judgmental or pushy. It's just that yours is one of the more serious situations we've encountered here, and speaking for myself, I am genuinely concerned for your daughter's welfare.

Please keep us posted