New to site, Hello and my story

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by singingtothewheat, Jan 29, 2012.

  1. singingtothewheat

    singingtothewheat New Member

    Hi everyone. I am Kris. I'm a nurse and mom who raised her kids as a single mom for most of their lives. My son, who is 15 is very close to a diagnosis of CD. Thing have never been easy with this guy. He hit the dirt with tummy troubles. Did not sleep for more than 30 minutes, just could not get the whole breast feeding thing and had colic. i held him back in preschool because he just was not ready to go up and I held him back again in kindergarten for the same reason. By the second grade we were in counseling. We have had him in counseling over and over throughout the years for behavioral problems. He's had a diversion for stealing and has been in the state adolescent treatment unit and is now in an intensive counseling regimen along with attending a special school and we are involved in family counseling.

    My boy lies, he lies constantly. He steals from me, from others, from teachers, from the school. Along with teenage hormones he has also developed a temper and although he has not struck me he's become very threatening. I can't believe that a parent could wonder if they might die at the hands of their child but I have wondered just that.

    At this time he is actually living in an apartment with his dad (my x husband) because he simply will not mind me in any fashion and has nearly destroyed me financially from stealing. This move out of my home is something I would never have guessed I would ever do. It makes me feel like a failure as a parent. However, I have a easy child and she is constantly placed on the back burner because everyone in the house was so busy trying to keep my boy out of trouble. She deserves a chance to get some attention. She's such a great kid.

    So, it's been a very rough road. I'm scared to death for my son. I have no idea how he's going to make it in this world and I'm so afraid that he'll hurt someone at some point.
    Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself. Any and all suggestions as, of course, appreciated.
    Thank you,
    Singing...... aka Kris.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi there and welcome! Sorry you have had such a hard road of it. My son is 15 too and has some similar behaviors for different reasons, but it is scary to have a child who could actually hurt you. I don't have other children so at least do not have that added worry. I think you did the absolute best thing for both of them to have them each be in a place where they can get safer attention. (Is he the only one with dad?) Many people here talk about the challenges their easy child's have.

    What do they think is driving the behavior issues? Does he have a diagnosis of some kind that is contributing to all of this (bipolar, a genetic issue, learning problems, etc...)? Sounds like he has had so many placements and I assume many assessments too. What do you see happening for him after he is done with school? I think about that a lot. Where my son will live and who will support him day to day.

    Yes, it is a scary thing... All we can do is our best.

    There are many here who walk in shoes similar to yours, having kids with very similar issues. Hope you check in frequently to see that you are truly not alone.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You are not alone. I also have a 15 year old and everything that you have described you could have been talking about mine. My son was arrested on Wed. and is currently in a juvenile facility. His rage had escalated to the point where I was afraid of him. PM me anytime
  4. singingtothewheat

    singingtothewheat New Member

    Actually, he hasn't had much done in the past, counseling, great hopes by mom that he'll "grow out of it". Since middle school we've been begging for help. We were told he couldn't get an eap iep, whatever it's called because the school didn't have the money for it. it really makes me angry when I think about it.

    yes, I'm so scared for him and i love him so much but I have finally realized that I have two kids and they both deserve some attention. He knows from the counselor, his school and from me that we are done patting his poo poo and the next time he steals is juvi. I flippin hate it and would do anything I could to change it but I've done everything and i am powerless to change his behavior.

    thanks to everyone for the welcomes. i've been reading and feel like I am no longer alone. There are a lot of you out there with this problem.
  5. southermama3

    southermama3 New Member

    Hey doll

    Well I am also a nurse,but disabled. I know how hard it is to have to put forth all of your attention into one child. I have 3.
    (bio: 9 difficult child {female} sexually molested by bio dad from age 9mos to 4 suffers from PTSD ADHD and low iq a's a result we believe due to prematurity caused from full blow eclampsia (seizure and all); tried ADHD medications but didn't really work. We're in the process of redrafting new therapy.
    8 difficult child {f} SB by bio dad has severe PTSD night terrors/ bedwetting; however has a high iq and is in the gifted program with 30 mins 3x's a speech therapy
    2yr {m} product of my new relationship. Also a premie with no delays or cd a's of now.

    I sympathize with you bc u want so badly to wave a wand and "fix" them. A's a mom we always think we can always fix them and when things like this happens we automatically blame ourself. Please don't your a great mom your child just suffers from an illness like chicken pox.

    I would like to be the first to welcome you. Here you will find the 24/7 support u need to vent and stay strong. You will also find the resources to help you and your child get the through this difficult time.

    Since I joined I have enrolled my child into various 504/IEP grants through adap (thanks to buddy) and I started the battle to get her, her own SSI Medicaid card/benefits.

    Lots of Love
    "remember your a woman and a's a woman we have the strength to over come anything!"

  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome! Glad you found us but, as we all say, sorry you had to seek us out. How is your son doing staying with his Dad? Sometimes at that age Dads have alot more influence and certainly can exercise more control. I hope that is the case with your difficult child.

    Meanwhile have you and your easy child gone to counseling together? One of the most common problems our CD families have is that easy child's have issues that are not addressed. Usually they try so hard to "be good" and the difficult child demands so much attention..well, she really needs to share her feelings and emotions with someone other than her Mom. While your son is out of your home it would be good to focus on easy child and on you.

    I'm sure like the rest of us you never imagined that your home life would be as it is. We grow up thinking that "bad" parents have "bad" children. Not. Great, loving, intelligent and devoted parents often have difficult child's. So don't let yourself get caught up in self blame. You've given your all. You can't go back and change anything that you "might" have handled better. You love him. He knows it. Fingers crossed that he will be able to "see the light". Sending hugs. DDD
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    If they actually said that, get it in writing... saying that a child can't have an IEP or any service once on an IEP due to finances is ILLEGAL. I have been to ceu classes where they make it clear we are never to say that because the district can be sued.

    Federal Law mandates "child find" which means that any child who is referred for an evaluation, even by parents, must be assessed for services with in a certain time line (each state varies on the time but can't go over federal limits).

    If you send a certified letter, return receipt saying that you want your child to be assessed for special education services, including but not limited to ability, academic, emotional and behavioral, communication (sp/language), and motor...they must respond. If they deny then you appeal. IF they say it is not affecting his school work but you feel that it affects him socially/behaviorally in school (does he have problems at school? does he get into trouble there? does he have friends? does he get his work done, hand it in, pass classes?) then get an advocate and force their hands.

    Once you send the letter and get the receipt stating the day they got it they are on a time clock which they must follow legally.

    Simultaneously, if you have never done this, you may want to go to a neuropsychologist. They are psychologists who have specialized training in how the brain and behavior/mood/learning are connected. They are (in general) a profession that can help sort through different issues which can be impacting these challenges so you can know better where to go for help.

    There are many many underlying issues kids have that, when they have to fight through them on their own just result in their acting out. All they know is that they feel badly and are frustrated. If medications and psychotherapy have not been the ticket to help, there may really be other things going on...maybe not...but what do you have to lose investigating it?

    Was he ever a kid who hated how his socks felt, was picky about different textures or colors of foods or tastes or smells? Did he have any issues with handwriting or reading? Did/does he have friends, especially when he was young...could he play back and forth or did they just follow each other around and do the same kinds of things together. If there were every any issues like these, you might want an occupational therapy evaluation for sensory integration disorder and a speech/lang evaluation to see if there is a chance of any kind of processing problem. It may lead to a need for a specialized kind of audiology evaluation for auditory processing problems. (hearing may be fine but how the brain interprets things can really be challenged, and it often looks like willful behavior problems).

    I dont know if these are things you would want to explore but I just threw them out there since you said you have not had much support in assessing these things.

    In the mean time, have you ever read, The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? There are others too....Lost in School is by this author. These help many of us to use a different way of handling these problems that do nto respond to typical parenting methods like consequences and rewards to lower or increase behaviors.

    Others here will have many ideas... some have sent their kids to therapeutic boarding schools, or therapeutic wilderness programs, etc. He is only 15, you still do have time to control some things.

    (I didn't ask, has he been assessed for chemical abuse? He has had problems for his whole life, but you said he increased dramatically when in middle school and so many kids, especially if they are on the fringe in the first place-easily influenced and wanting to self medicate away feelings of being different or inadequate--get involved in drugs/alcohol.... there are also many here who have walked that road if that is a part of it, or even if you suspect it could be)
  8. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Do you have that in writing? That is sooooooooo illegal!!! Did you request an evaluation for services at school in writing?

    As for the diagnosis, who is diagnosis'ing your son? Is he on any medications? Also, for many of our difficult child's, talk therapy does not work.

    Glad you found us but so sorry you needed to. Week-ends can be a little slow around here so keep checking back. Others WILL be along.
  9. singingtothewheat

    singingtothewheat New Member

    Oh they did say it but it was two years ago and we have begged for help every school year. The school system is back peddling like mad now to help him because the superintendent KNOWS that I have all the ammo I need to make their lives utter hell. I guess I need to get this book, "the explosive child"
    As for better at dads, well yes and no....... Not as many fights but dad doesn't hold him as accountable as mom does so..... There have been problems there. Right now though I am unwilling to change anything. I physically and emotionally can't do it anymore at this point. I can't afford to have him stealing from me any more and emotionally the fight has gone out of me. My easy child is supposed to be going to family counseling but we have been so absorbed in the newest batch of stealing from my son that it seemed totally non productive to take her right now.
  10. singingtothewheat

    singingtothewheat New Member

    The diagnoses are coming from a psychiatrist. However he just took my boy off medications. I'm afraid of what is going to happen next.
  11. singingtothewheat

    singingtothewheat New Member

    Thank you so much hon.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi and Welcome!!

    While I can completely believe a school told you that about no IEP because they didn't have $$, that is so totally illegal it is way beyond funny. HOWEVER, there may be a statute of limitations on it. A school that told you that **** is EASILY able to pretend to cooperate NOW until the time that you CANNOT sue them. Though you may be able to prove a pattern, which would make it an ongoing refusal rather than just refusing that one time.

    Get an advocate. They are free, google your state and free parent advocate, or else go to the state board of ed website.

    Yes, difficult child needs counseling, but his actions have taken a HUGE toll on easy child and she needs help too, no matter how "nonproductive" it mght seem to you. Whatever fear YOU have of difficult child? Hers is 1000 times greater and has gone on for years more. Why didn't she tell you? Cause he would beat her senseless or she at least thought he would seriously hurt her. How do I know? I was the sister, I got threatened iwth all sorts of stuff, and got a lot of it carried out on me.

    Havng them live in separate houses is probably the best you could ever do for easy child. Expect her to tell you or a therapist about some truly horrible things that difficult child has done and told her about or has done to her. She will have to TRUST that she is SAFE before she talks though.

    I know how awful you feel because I had to have my 14yo taken away by the sheriff and later he went to live with my parents. He just couldn't be safe and I won't be anyone's battered woman - not even my childs. It took a HUGE toll on me, body, mind and soul, but not as big as keeping him here and either dying or killing him would have. We were at that point. So getting your son out hurts, but is best in the long run for the rest of you.

    As the courts are involved, maybe you should let them, the PO, and your ex deal with most of difficult child's stuff. Be the visiting mom who loves him but isn't in charge. He may not be held accountable now, but you cannot control that no matter what because he doesn't live with you. Let ex deal wiht the stealing, you concentrate on easy child and on taking care of YOU. Moms here have had HUGE physical problems from years of gfgstress. As a nurse you KNOW what stress does to people. If you have a stress related stroke or heart attack, who will care for easy child?

    Anyway, welcome to our family!!! ANYTHING I say that doesn't fit your situation, feel free to ignore. I totally understand that not everything fits every family, so this is my opinion and there won't ever be hard feelings for not agreeing. This is one thng I love about this family.