New to the board

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bluebell, Aug 12, 2013.

  1. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Hello! I've lurked here from time to time as things have been bad for my son since he turned 13 (17 next month). Things have now crossed the boundary and now my husband is in trouble. My son has been in counseling, but never diagnosed with ODD, I don't know if he just charms the pants off these people or what but he's like a completely different person in therapy. Long story short, my son dropped out of high school in April and has been doing an online high school program that we are paying for. He asked for this and agreed to rules of the house (you know the obvious ones). He was constantly in trouble at school in the middle school years and freshman year, when he went back this past year he didn't get in trouble per say but just decided not to do the work. In April, he had only 4 credits to his name, he should have had 16. Well, it's always been something with him and this summer he has developed friendships with people that want to use our backyard pool area as a place to smoke pot and drink alcohol. We live in a suburban neighborhood, not the middle of nowhere, it is extremely risky behavior for him with previous SA charges. There were over 100 people in our back yard last weekend, and we had only turned to watch a movie with our daughter for 45 minutes. We broke that up and placed him on restrictions. These restrictions he did not like. My husband has. at times of weakness, resorted to physical intimidation (getting in his face) to subdue our son's outbursts. My son has always backed down. Not anymore. difficult child has started fighting back and I warned them both that I would call the cops. Well, I did and they were both arrested Tuesday night on domestic battery. Neither were hurt in the scuffle. So difficult child went back to juvie for the night. My husband plead guilty after a night in city jail and is facing fines and a year of probation. I am not justifying the violence, but I am having a bit of a pity party. My husband is unemployed and so I will have to pay for all of this, and of course I have to miss work for the next round of juvenile hearings. But the huge thing is that my family is falling apart. I love this kid but all I can think about is the peace that I am legally entitled to in 13 months when he turns 18. I am so tired, it has been a long four years. I want to take my easy child and leave on a plane and never come back at this moment. I know everything I'm supposed to be and will do, right now I'm just having a pity party and need a soft place to land. If anyone can give me any advice or encouragement, I need it now! I hope someday I can help someone else.... tears...
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Bluebell. I am glad you have found us and decided to introduce yourself; I am sorry things are so rough right now. I so know that feeling of wanting to leave on a plane and not come back. I really think you did the right thing (not the easy thing) in calling the police. Both your husband and your son now know you are serious about the no violence.

    Others will be along with more advice. I'm sending some gentle hugs your way.
  3. Crystal72

    Crystal72 New Member

    Welcome to this big family.
    i am sorry how things turned out but I am almost in the same situation too. husband and son got at each other constantly and I told them the next time it happens, I am
    am calling 911.
    Everyone in this family is in pain, husband detached himself to
    watch tv in the basement the whole day and son does the same thing in the living room.
    i want to be on the
    plane and never return too but I am on a non imimmigrant visa so I have to
    to endure till I get the green card so I can get a job and leave.
    hugs to you .
    Stay strong , we are here for you
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to the board. You may want to post in substance abuse because clearly that is your son's problem. ODD is kind of an unhelpful diagnosis (in the opinion of most on the board) that is usually given to small children who are defiant when a therapist doesn't know why. Your son is way beyond ODD. He's using drugs and drinking and swimming at the same time. He could be killed or one of his friends who is high could be killed. I'd shut down that pool for now.

    Can you give us some background info on your son? Infancy? Toddlerhood? School years? When you noticed he was becoming a problem? Has he ever seen a neuropsychologist or a psychiatrist (the guy with the MD!!!) :) I'd be thinking of telling him that once he turnes eighteen if he doesn't agree to psychiatric help and substance abuse counseling that he may find himself trudging down the street with a backpack and some clothes. Call the cops if you see any drugs in your home even if they are stashed under his mattress. Check his room. Check Facebook. Check his cell. He has no privacy rights if he is breaking the law and need to know the truth.

    As for your husband, his response was immature. I think family counseling could at least help your husband, who probably realizes he doesn't know how to react appropriately. Is this your boy's father? If not, where is his father? Will he help out? Is the boy respectful of any adult who can talk to him? Will he go to therapy with everybody?

    You need to be very nice to yourself and learn to detach from the craziness in your life. One helpful resource is narc-anon or Al-Anon. You CAN have a fruitful, fun, rich, fulfilling life even while your loved ones make poor choices. It's important for you to stay healthy in body and mind and I really think Al-Anon is good for that. YOu don't have to be religious to join. Some use religion, some just relish the helpful messages and learn not to be codependent and to love ourselves.

    I consider drug and alcohol abuse serious. If this were my kid, his money supply, cell phone and the internet would be gone from his life for a long time as well as the family car. I saw what drugs did to my daughter and it can really get scary and some kids don't outgrow it. This is the time to use tough love. It's your last chance before he is legal and will claim that you can't stop him from doing anything. That isn't true, of course, as long as you live with him and support him, but he will tell you that and you will have to figure out how you are going to handle that.

    Welcome to our corner of the world. We understand and we want to help. Keep posting. We are here.
  5. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Thanks for your replies! I will post over in the SA forum when I get a chance, it might have to be in chapters though :)