Newbie Needs Help

[CherTLC4u]

Being a single mom, this have been a very tough few years for me.

My son (20 yrs old) just got locked up for the umpteenth time. I've always supported him no matter where he was -- incarcerated and/or group home. Visiting, writting letters, accepting costly phone calls, etc. He got out of his last group home in July 2006 and move immediatly out of the house to a different city 3 hours away. When he got there he didnt have a job so I sent money to cover rent and some other bills. After about 4 months he moved back home.

One month later he moved out but stayed nearby. There were 3 warrants out for his arrest. He got pulled over for a traffic issue and drugs were found in his car.

Needless to say he is now in jail.

When I went to my first visit with him, he totally belittled me and told me I NEVER helped him and its all my fault as to why he is in jail. (this certainly isnt the first time I've heard this. though I've always let it roll off my back). After trying to explain LIFE to him, I said "I dont have to sit here and listen to this" and he said "Then just leave!" My mom took over and I left the building in tears. She explained to him that I love him and have done many things for him through the years and what he said wasnt very nice.

Now I'm not taking his phone calls (because they always bring me down and stab me in the heart) which is the only way we communicate. I guess I need time away from him.

He calls my mom and asks her what is wrong with me. She explains it to him but he just doesnt listen!

Since its been many years since I was alone, I just dont know what to do with myself. I've lived the last 20 years for my son.

I know its not my fault that he is in there. He makes poor choices.

Am I doing the right thing by not communicating with him? My mind is a jumbled mess right now.

 

[DammitJanet]

Welcome to the board.

You are doing the absolutely correct thing by not listening to his garbage. He is grown now and making poor choices. He wants to blame you for his mess? Nope...not gonna work. I also have a 20 year old who tends to get himself in hot water and I dont bail him out of it. If he called me and started that stuff I wouldnt listen. He cant call me because I have cell phones which dont accept collect calls so that isnt a problem. He also knows I wouldnt stay for a visit in jail if he acted that way. So far he hasnt been in jail long enough for me to visit. I am not sure if I would even visit him there.

I think if I were you, I would let him stew in his own juices. He made these choices and he needs to own them. You got him help when he was younger and he chose not to use what he was taught. Maybe he will rethink his choices now. This is not on you.

Detach from him. Doesnt mean you dont love him but that you are giving him the wings to fly on his own.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

Hello and welcome. You have come to the right place. I just found this board a few weeks ago and it's been wonderful to make new online friends who know all about what you've been through and are all about helping each other.

You are dfinitely, definitely doing the right thing not accepting his calls. You hit the nail on the head -- you are not responsible for his poor choices.

I'm sure if you've read some of the other stories you know about detaching. It means that you still love your son but you're going to face that you can't fix his problems for him. Doing that just continues the cycle of you enabling him and him abusing your love. Instead you will let him face the consequences of his choices and you will not allow his bad choices to continue to deny you your life. It is much easier said than done, we know that here and are ready to listen and cheer for you.

Many members have found Al-Anon meetings helpful.

Welcome and good luck.

 

[Loris]

I can understand why you would walk out. I would have, too. As stated above, to detach is not saying you don't love them but making them accept responsibility for their own choices. He has to learn on his own, you can't make him learn. Maybe he'll see that he can't treat you like that. I hope so. Stay strong.

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Since its been many years since I was alone, I just dont know what to do with myself. I've lived the last 20 years for my son. </div></div>

Hi, and welcome!

I think the level of parental involvement our difficult children require when they are kids can make it even more difficult to "move on" when they grow up. Our identities are fully involved, too- who are we if we aren't "difficult child's Mom", if you know what I mean.

You need some time to grieve and to adjust to your new life. Your son is grown. You've done what you could and now it's his turn to take over his life.

It's time for you to read that book you always wanted to read. Make new friends. Go on a great vacation. Find the love of your life. It's time for YOU.

I'm glad you found us.

Suz

 

[CherTLC4u]

I'm glad I found this place. Everyone is so helpful and reassuring.

I'm in tears here reading your comforting words.

Does anyone know of a web site or poem of some sort that I can print and mail to him reassuring him that altho I've made this choice not to have contact with him but that I still love him and willing to work things out when he comes to his senses?

Again ... Thank you so much!

 

[KFld]

I don't know of any poem or website that would help you say what you want, but you might just try sending him a card letting him know that you love him and when he is able to make good choices and respect you, you will be there for him. He may not want to hear it, but atleast you know you've said it.

It's called detatching with love. When he's making poor choices, you can walk away, when he's making good choices, you can be there for him.

Many of us have had to do this and believe me, it will be good for both of you.

If he has a drug problem, you may want to get yourself to an alanon parent meeting. Everyone in the room will have been, or currently is at the point you are now.

Welcome to this site. It is a life saver for many of us.