Next steps

[maril]

So, now we have substance abuse issues to help difficult child deal with as well as more frequent rages. Fortunately, husband and I are getting better at not escalating difficult situations with our son since we know where that will go. We have had outside help all along and, also, an upcoming appointment for an evaluation for admission to a dual diagnosis program.

Anyway, it is awful to see how destructive, threatening, and out of control difficult child becomes during these rages (not to mention, very scary). These rages started in the last couple of years and have slowly become more frequent. In between these rages, he has times where he is very cooperative and willing to seek help.

I did a search of the forums regarding rages, read many posts to just get an idea what others deal with/possibilities for help, and found the information to be helpful. I will read more when I get some time.

Thanks for listening.

 

[bran155]

My daughter is another "rager" as well. Over the years it has been absolute hell around here. She will fly into a rage over the smallest thing, she becomes uncontrollable, so angry and violent. We have had to call the police many, many times to come and calm her down. Quite a few times the cops have walked in my house to see my husband holding my daughter in a restraint waiting for relief. On occasion they were able to calm her down, however most of the time it was a trip to the hospital. I have been very lucky. The police here have always been very empathetic and kind. I have never had a problem with them. I was terrified to call them at first. I thought they would never believe that my daughter was the abuser. I figured they would blame us, but they never did.

The only thing that I have found to work with the rages is to ignore it. I would stay close enough to watch her to make sure she isn't hurting herself, but not say anything to her. I just let her rant and rave. I have found that the less I say or do while she is raging the quicker it is over. I let her calm down on her own. Don't get me wrong that is NOT easy to do. There have been plenty of times that I did engage. The hardest part for me was when she was done raging it was over for her. She was able to adjust her moods drastically. I can't do that. I need time to cool off.

Hang in there.

 

[compassion]

The hard part is NOT giving in to the demands when there is physical violence. I acutally did that less and less. She is currently in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and I am 90% releived. Compassion

 

[compassion]

What helps me is support. I was so isolated for so long. Al-anon, this forum (I am here daily), Nami, a therapist, and the CABF (bipolar).
I do not react or fix, I try to practice detatchment,she can be very angry and I donot have to let it bring me down. We did though reach a point when it eas unacceptable. That was threats to kill us with a screwdriver, choking us (husband and myself), and destroying our property, holding us hostage. After a few weeks in phospital, she claims she is jsut fine. She seemed to have even the psychiatrist convinced she could come home by April 16. We know this is unsafe and not reaqlistic. Compassion

 

[maril]

bran155 and compassion: My heart goes out to both of you. What a rollercoaster ride. Thank you, too, for sharing. It helps to get suggestions from others who have experienced similar situations!

I was just thinking earlier today before reading your posts that I was going to try my best to ignore the rages. That is a good suggestion, bran. When I see things escalating, I should head out of the house and pull husband along with me. Hey, who knows - difficult child might continue the raging behavior outside, too. He was raging the other day in and around my car.

A few times lately when he is raging and demanding his way, difficult child has pulled kitchen knives out. He never hurt anyone, but I decided anyway to collect all sharp kitchen knives yesterday and put them elsewhere/hid them from him.

I keep going over in my mind about searching out support groups, like those that you named, compassion. I think it would help but just have to make the move! When difficult child was in the partial program, they had family night, husband and I participated, and it was helpful (well, anyway, I felt it was; not sure about husband).

 

[compassion]

Safety first!!! With my daughter, she did not want me to leave, she would litrally hold me and someitmes my husband hostage. She has pulled knives on me since she was proably nine. The thing is, I could not/cannot "reason' with bipoalr rages. She is 800% better when taking her antipychotic and mood stabilizers, getting enough sleep, and eating decently and not doing illegal subatances. The thing is, once the rage escalates anything can be used, about a month ago she threw a vaseline jar at me and left a welt. She has scratched me, kicked me. Today, I have zero tolerance for that sort of behavior. Verbal/emeitonal abuse id unacceptable also. Currently she is working on alternate ways besede therats, balackmails, intimidatins, badgering/wheedling. Compassion

 

[maril]

compassion: I am glad to hear your daughter is working on alternate ways. Do you feel she is being helped at the phospital? I have read some of your posts but not all. It seems like this has taken a toll on you. I wish you all well.

I am glad I have husband here because I pretty much know I could not do this by myself; not until I could learn better coping strategies!!!

With my son, too, getting sleep and stopping substance use helps with his moods, but I also think it important that we get bipolar or other ruled in or out and hopefully get a chance for him to try an appropriate medication to see if that will help him stabilize; he knows all this, we have discussed it - sometimes he is on board, other times not. His psychiatrist hasn't made further suggestions about ruling out bipolar disorder, but as I posted earlier, we will be getting difficult child an evaluation soon for a dual diagnosis program and, hopefully, I can implore that psychiatrist to point us in a direction where we can get something more definitive. I have heard from you as well as a number of others that the right medication can be very helpful.

 

[compassion]

Yes, she is being helped at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but it is a long haul and she is at very begining stages. Mostly she is off the streets, so no illegal subatances, she is adhering to her medications, she is eating reuraly, and sleeping. Just THAT is HUGE. There is mullitple therpay daily plus she has academic school there which she honeslty has not done much of this shcool year (she is homeshooled). We are getting a much needed repereive. I do have a husband. She really could no longer intimidate emtinally but physically she could overpower me: she was trained competive athlether:very storng and bipolar rages makes them stronger.
I am glad you are looking at medications and a diagnosis of biploar and dual siagnois programs. Comapssion

 

[recovering doormat]

Marilynne, my heart goes out to you. My son would escalate into vandalizing my house and breaking my property when he didn't get his way. I have called the police on him twice, once when he was 13 and he punched me in the back, and again several months ago when he knocked over my tv set and verbally threatened me. That last incident landed him in front of a judge and he was given the alternative of a diagnostic mental health program lasting six weeks or juvenile detention. He wanted juvie but we convinced him to go for the dual diagnosis program. While there he detoxed from all the weed he was smoking and got to see that compared to some of theother kids with him, he had it pretty good at home. We brought him home after he completed the program against the recommendation of the diagnostic team (they insisted that he needed to go directly to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but my ex-husband convinced me we could take care of things at home. What a mistake.) so now we are on top of him 24/7 and it's beyond frustrating and exhausting, but he is cooperating because he knows that one phone call coulld put him in juvie and then to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). He desperately wants to stay at home but the onus is on his dad and me to make sure he doesn't fall back into contact with any questionable peers.

My son's diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Dysthymia and he is currently unmedicated. From what I have seen and read about regarding bipolar disorder, getting the child stabilized on medications is the first priority, and that is so hard sometimes if the kid doesn't want to cooperate. I really feel for you.

I also think that NAMI provides great support groups for the caregivers/relatives of people with emotional disorders, and from my experience attending a few meetings here in Connecticut, I'd say 3/4 of the parents described their child as bipolar. These parents have a wealth of information to share, and they have been in your shoes.

 

[maril]

recovering doormat: Thanks for your kindness and support.

Wow, you all have been through the wringer. It is good to hear that you have had the outside supports as well as the program available for your son. From your description, I see it is difficult having him at home and I hope things will improve. There is no easy solution.

Your son sounds so much like mine. I see in your signature that he is 15 (correct?), so, at least you have awhile until he turns 18. My son will be 18 in September and (as everyone keeps telling him) it will be a new ball game as far as the justice system goes.

Thank you, again. Hugs and best wishes are being sent your way!

 

[tracyf551]

If I must say one good thing about difficult child (unfortunately there aren't many lately) Residential Treatment Center (RTC) did help him with his rages. He used to fly into rages constantly. Always towards me. The words that would come out of his mouth were unreal. he would break things, punch holes in the walls, thru windows. He once kicked his younger brother in the head while he was laying on the floor watching TV for no reason. I could no longer deal with it. I tried doctors, medications, therapists, etc. Nothing worked. Finally I desided on Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It did wonders for the rages but nothing else. Still into drugs, drinking, quit school (extremly smart kid) won't work(even now at almost 19). He's been out of the house now for 6 months because of stealing everything that wasn't nailed down.

 

[maril]

tracyf551: Sigh. I am sure your heart has been broken, but you have moved on and have the attitude that I need to acquire (that is, what you say in your sig). I hope your son will come around, wish for him to be safe, and, also, wish you and your family well. I am sure it is not easy.

Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is another option I keep in mind ... reading posts on these boards in the past, I noticed others, who are of the opinion that RTCs must be researched carefully, so I would approach it that way, if husband and I do seriously consider placement there.

Thanks for your input.

 

[tracyf551]

Marilynne, believe me I researched and researched Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s. I was on the web 24 7. I made calls. There were a few I would absolutey not allow my son to go to. Including one that was recently closed because of noncompliance thru the state. If you would like you could private message me and I could give you the name of one that I found that was just wonderful. Unfortunately no matter how good a place is it's all up to the difficult child to make it work.

 

[maril]

tracyf551: I will PM you. Thanks!

Also, I hope I didn't give the idea that you wouldn't have researched carefully; guess I was just "thinking out loud" about what I would do, if we are going to look for placement. Sorry. Sometimes I type away and then realize later that what I have posted might sound different than what I had intended.