Nope, she just doesn't stop....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PatriotsGirl, Nov 1, 2010.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I get a text from my mom yesterday. Ugh.
    difficult child was invited to a Halloween party at my brother in law's house the weekend before Halloween. difficult child went and was caught sneaking alcohol (lovely) but no one confronted her about it. difficult child said she had a horrible time, blah, blah.
    Well, one of her cousins couldn't find her purse. They asked difficult child if perhaps she could have taken it by mistake. difficult child looks through her stuff and says, no, she doesn't have it. Well, the cousin that difficult child is staying with happened to look under her couch in search of a baby bottle this weekend and found her sister's purse. Only thing missing from the purse are migraine pills.
    So, difficult child is not allowed at my brother in law's anymore and my neice's boyfriend is saying he doesn't want difficult child left alone in the house. I am not sure if they confronted difficult child, yet. My neice was a little concerned about how difficult child would react.
    I am sick to my stomach. I unleashed this on them. Now what? I can't bring her back here - that is basically issuing a death sentence. (Oh, she claims one of her friends is buying her a plane ticket back - yeah, sure he is honey) but no matter what she is not living here again. I can't force them to keep her and put up with her difficult child bullcukka. I'm out of options. I honestly do not know what to do. :sick:
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If one of difficult child's (male) friends really does pay for her plane ticket back, it's almost guaranteed proof he is expecting to make the moony back from her somehow. Nobody in that circle of contacts is likely to be that generous without some expectation of investment paying off.

  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    My friend's sister-in-law was having the same troubles with her son. Finally she called the police when he stole from her and she had a court order from the judge that he had to go to rehab and if he left rehab he had to go to jail. I know it sounds harsh, but maybe that will wake her up?

  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Marg is completely right. NO WAY will any of the hyenas who surround people who make choices like your difficult child does give her a dime without expecting a substantial return on that investment. The only options for her to give them that repayment are pretty ugly.

    difficult child does NOT want to come home and live by your rules. As going to treatment and then making choices that abide by the rules in your home are the conditions that you put on her return to your home, I don't see much that you can really do for her. If the relatives do not want her at their homes it is perfectly reasonable and understandable. Maybe now they will be more supportive of the hard choices you have had to make regarding your difficult child. After all, they had a chance to do what they thought that you couldn't or wouldn't. Now they know that all those things that they thought they could do better than you could do for difficult child simply don't work as she refuses to follow even the most basic rules of a family.

    I think it is time to throw the responsibility for what happens to/for/with difficult child onto difficult child's shoulders. You have done all that could be done to try to get her to live a life that follows the most basic rules of a family. The relatives won't let her in their homes. Ask her what SHE plans to do now that she has gotten kicked out of the last relative's home that was open to her, now that the last of the "rescuing relatives" has learned the harsh realities of life with difficult child and her choices.

    Instead of figuring out somewhere for her to live and trying to find another person to give her a roof to sleep under and food to eat, let HER figure all this out. She is adult enough to do drugs, to steal medications from relatives, to abuse the hospitality of every single relative who ever gave her even 1/4 of a chance to change her life. Let difficult child stand, or fall, on her own two feet.

    I am NOT saying cut off all contact. Just let her know that the $$ won't be coming if she expects any from you, that if she shows up on your doorstep she won't be allowed to stay for even one night, and that she has consistently shown that she does NOT want to live life by anyone else's rules so she can go live it by her own rules and make her own way.

    In other words, give her the independence she has demanded by her actions. She has shown you, and most every other family member, that she wants to live life by her own rules. Well, those rules are choices and choices have consequences. Her consequences (NOT punishment or reward imposed by you, NATURAL and LOGICAL consequences of her CHOICES) are that she has to find a place to live, food to eat, and money to support herself. She can get a J-O-B to put food on the table and to get a table if she so desires, or she can continue to choose drugs and the rough life of an addict, but she won't be doing it on your $$.

    It isn't going to be easy, fun or anything you ever dreamed that life with an "adult" child would be, but it is what SHE is choosing. Keep focusing on the knowledge that she is CHOOSING to live a certain way, and you have to let her go until she finds her own bottom and rescues herself.

  5. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    Peel the band aid quick. You cave in now she will expect you to always cave. you have no reasonable or fair indication that she deserves saving. She still, as always, has the option to save herself by following some basic expectations. She isn't helpless or vulnerable she just makes bad bad bad choices, that isn't your fault or responsibility.

    Be prepared, when my difficult child gets to the point of his house of cards collapsing he gets extra super hostile. It's like an exorcism gone bad and the evil spirit does whatever it has within it's power to establish it's dominion over the situation. (dramatic, I know but these difficult child's flip the heck out when the old tactics stop working and they see they are losing control).

    So many boundaries have been allowed to be pushed by so many family members that she may actually be *gasp* surprised to find out that somewhere, eventually she has to be accountable for her actions. *double gasp* Up until now she continued to be saved by someone so she never had to come to terms with the mess she created. Time for a reality check, no?
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    YOU did not unleash this on them. She did. She will have consequences just like she did by doing this in your home.

    I would imagine foster care is next. Is she still 17?
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Yes, she is 17. She can report us for kicking her out - what ever. I will explain to them why she is not allowed to live in our home. Drugs and selling drugs are not what I want in my house! Foster care won't take her - she is considered an adult in my state.

    Her cousin has not thrown her out. Her cousin has been happy to have her - glad to have the company and help with the kids. But, I know it will only be a matter of time before difficult child wears out her welcome there, too. If difficult child does make her way back down here, the positive thing about that is she will have to go in front of the judge - again. Her name is associated with about 7 court cases in our county! She will get detention time or mandatory rehab - both of which she needs.

    I swear she must not have a conscience! I don't know what she is thinking nor do I probably want to know. I'm not going to do anything. If she gets kicked out of where she is, SHE will have to figure it out from there as I have made it perfectly clear that she is not allowed to live with us.

    I AM going to my first Al Anon meeting tonight!!!!
  8. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    Whatever you do, do NOT answer the phone. ;)
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It isn't so much that she doesn't have a consciencse as it is that drugs over ride everything, absolutely everything else. Once an addiction has its' tentacles around a person, the only thing you talk to, see, deal with is the addiction. If it is added to a mental illness or other disorder, it is just that much worse. Drugs don't leave room for consciences or anything else. You are not dealing with you daughter. You only deal with the drugs and the addict. It hoovers, but it is what it is.
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I know we've all been saying, "You made your rule, stick to it and don't go fetch her," but I'm wondering if you DO bring her home, if you can drop her off at the courthouse on the way? If you could be sure that they would immediately follow through, this would be a good option. The only problem with it - it wouldn't be her choices that brought her there, so she still wouldn't be owning the outcomes.

  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I did got to the Al Anon meeting last night and I will be going again.

    I am not going to do anything. Her cousin still wants her there and says she has been doing "so good". I have already told her that if she gets a bus ticket or plane tocket or what not, do not come down with the expectation of living here. Done. If she shows up, I will have to stick to what I have said. I can't be sure the judge will do anything. The judge we had last time was a substitute and I am not sure the normal judge is as stern. I cannot control what she does, I can only control me and my home. I will not enable her to live that lifestyle in any way!