I have a 4-YO son and we've been having some behavioural issues with him. Mostly it is not listening, not cooperating, throwing tantrums, being angry for no apparent reason, and being rude or talking back. We have 3 children - our 4-year-old son and twin 11-month-old girls. Now before you say that everything is due to new-baby/sibling jealous, I have to say that we had behavioural issues with him even before the twins were born, before I was even pregnant.
As a baby, C was very happy and easy-going. He is very smart and did a lot of things early in the first year. He was saying "mama" and "dada" at 5 months and had first words at 9 months. He had over 20 words at 11 months and at 12 months he could answer questions with "ya" or "no". He knew his shapes and colours before 18 months and could sing the alphabet before 18 months. At 24 months he knew all the planets and could put stickers on over 20 countries on the world map and name them if we asked him to. He has a fantastic memory and has always loved books as far back as I can remember. Now at age 4, he hasn't started school yet (he will start JK this September) but he can write his own name (the shortened version), draw pictures, and tell basic time on a clock with hands (he can tell the hour). He has a wonderful imagination and can make up entire stories in his head and does great imaginative play with his toys. He still loves books and we read every night before bed. We went through a phase of being into chapter books but now we're back to the more standard preschooler books.
Despite his intelligence, we have struggled with his behaviour. Instead of getting better, it is getter harder. Perhaps it's partly because we added siblings to the mix but perhaps not. At 18 months to almost 3 years of age, he would throw tantrums, sometimes on a daily basis and they would go on and on for sometimes an hour. All out screaming, rolling on the floor, kicking, totally out of control. Then that started to peter out, only to have resurfaced again in the past couple months. They seem to be over nothing and they go on just as long, only he's bigger and stronger now.
An example in the past 24 hours. Last night after his bath, he was in his pajamas, teeth brushed, stories were read and he asked for raisens. I explained nicely that it was too late for raisens, he had already brushed his teeth, and then he proceeded to throw an epic tantrum. He wouldn't go to bed and was screaming at me, throwing things at me, and wound up tearing down his curtain rod in his room. He threw a tantrum for an hour and only stopped when my husband finally reached his limit and yelled at him. We are not yellers but everyone has limits. This is not the kind of parenting style we go to first though. We try to be calm, loving, firm when we need to be, and talk about feelings and explain things to him. He just gets to the point where he's emotionally out of control.
After he calmed down last night my husband had a good talk with him. C was very sorry for his behaviour and we fell asleep quickly as he was exhausted. This morning he was okay and then he told my husband he wanted to have a snuggle with me. He came upstairs but I was already up and dressed for work. He had actually already come and seen me earlier in the morning and I gave him a hug in my bed and he laid beside me for a few minutes. He was immediately upset when he saw that I wasn't in bed anymore and started demanding that I go lay down. I calmly reminded him that he'd had a snuggle earlier and I was already up now but if he could ask nicely then I would be ready to listen. He would not ask nicely and got himself all riled up, crying, screaming at me. He would try to say it nicely and then before I can answer, he starts screaming. I wound up leaving for work, telling him I was sorry that he wasn't able to calm down, but I can't listen to him when he's being mean to me.
He is throwing tantrums lately over things that are equally trivial. Some days he's just in a rotten mood all day and seems to be looking to fight with us over anything. We are so tired of it and just want to have a happy family. We are patient and loving and my husband and I are happy and have a good marriage. We don't fight and we really love our kids. We work but we're not home late and we spend our weekends doing family stuff with the kids.
He is also acting up at daycare (new in the past 4 weeks) but he had behavioural issues at his last daycare which he'd been at for almost 2 years. At the new daycare he is sometimes not listening to requests to stop doing something (like picking at a hole in the couch for example) or he will irritate the other kids - get in their faces, be overly silly, put his hand on a book they're reading so they have to stop.
He can go from being cooperate, sweet, mature, calm, to a raging, angry boy so quickly at home and for seemingly no reason. I don't know what we're doing wrong. Maybe we need to give time-outs more regularly and curb the bad behaviour as soon as it starts?? Please, any help would be appreciated. I am going to take him to the doctor next week - anything I should be asking about?? I've wondered about ADHD or some other kind of behavioural disorder. Or is it really just the "F-ing Fours"?? I am reluctant to believe everyone else is experiencing this with their 4-YO.
-A Hurting Mom-
As a baby, C was very happy and easy-going. He is very smart and did a lot of things early in the first year. He was saying "mama" and "dada" at 5 months and had first words at 9 months. He had over 20 words at 11 months and at 12 months he could answer questions with "ya" or "no". He knew his shapes and colours before 18 months and could sing the alphabet before 18 months. At 24 months he knew all the planets and could put stickers on over 20 countries on the world map and name them if we asked him to. He has a fantastic memory and has always loved books as far back as I can remember. Now at age 4, he hasn't started school yet (he will start JK this September) but he can write his own name (the shortened version), draw pictures, and tell basic time on a clock with hands (he can tell the hour). He has a wonderful imagination and can make up entire stories in his head and does great imaginative play with his toys. He still loves books and we read every night before bed. We went through a phase of being into chapter books but now we're back to the more standard preschooler books.
Despite his intelligence, we have struggled with his behaviour. Instead of getting better, it is getter harder. Perhaps it's partly because we added siblings to the mix but perhaps not. At 18 months to almost 3 years of age, he would throw tantrums, sometimes on a daily basis and they would go on and on for sometimes an hour. All out screaming, rolling on the floor, kicking, totally out of control. Then that started to peter out, only to have resurfaced again in the past couple months. They seem to be over nothing and they go on just as long, only he's bigger and stronger now.
An example in the past 24 hours. Last night after his bath, he was in his pajamas, teeth brushed, stories were read and he asked for raisens. I explained nicely that it was too late for raisens, he had already brushed his teeth, and then he proceeded to throw an epic tantrum. He wouldn't go to bed and was screaming at me, throwing things at me, and wound up tearing down his curtain rod in his room. He threw a tantrum for an hour and only stopped when my husband finally reached his limit and yelled at him. We are not yellers but everyone has limits. This is not the kind of parenting style we go to first though. We try to be calm, loving, firm when we need to be, and talk about feelings and explain things to him. He just gets to the point where he's emotionally out of control.
After he calmed down last night my husband had a good talk with him. C was very sorry for his behaviour and we fell asleep quickly as he was exhausted. This morning he was okay and then he told my husband he wanted to have a snuggle with me. He came upstairs but I was already up and dressed for work. He had actually already come and seen me earlier in the morning and I gave him a hug in my bed and he laid beside me for a few minutes. He was immediately upset when he saw that I wasn't in bed anymore and started demanding that I go lay down. I calmly reminded him that he'd had a snuggle earlier and I was already up now but if he could ask nicely then I would be ready to listen. He would not ask nicely and got himself all riled up, crying, screaming at me. He would try to say it nicely and then before I can answer, he starts screaming. I wound up leaving for work, telling him I was sorry that he wasn't able to calm down, but I can't listen to him when he's being mean to me.
He is throwing tantrums lately over things that are equally trivial. Some days he's just in a rotten mood all day and seems to be looking to fight with us over anything. We are so tired of it and just want to have a happy family. We are patient and loving and my husband and I are happy and have a good marriage. We don't fight and we really love our kids. We work but we're not home late and we spend our weekends doing family stuff with the kids.
He is also acting up at daycare (new in the past 4 weeks) but he had behavioural issues at his last daycare which he'd been at for almost 2 years. At the new daycare he is sometimes not listening to requests to stop doing something (like picking at a hole in the couch for example) or he will irritate the other kids - get in their faces, be overly silly, put his hand on a book they're reading so they have to stop.
He can go from being cooperate, sweet, mature, calm, to a raging, angry boy so quickly at home and for seemingly no reason. I don't know what we're doing wrong. Maybe we need to give time-outs more regularly and curb the bad behaviour as soon as it starts?? Please, any help would be appreciated. I am going to take him to the doctor next week - anything I should be asking about?? I've wondered about ADHD or some other kind of behavioural disorder. Or is it really just the "F-ing Fours"?? I am reluctant to believe everyone else is experiencing this with their 4-YO.
-A Hurting Mom-