Not doing well~

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Jul 6, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I am just not doing well at all in regards to this 'move' that difficult child has informed us of (NH).

    I keep waking up due to dreams or horrible thoughts about all that could happen...I am feeling a deep deep bad feeling in my bones about this and am having a hard time not saying so.

    I want to just tell difficult child, H wants to talk with her, but we both know that A) she won't listen, and B) it may just lead to another blow out....and of course, there is C) she will only make it all about Monkeyboy and really, when it's all said and done, it's not about Monkeyboy at all - it's about me freaking out for her safety WITH Monkeyboy and his friend, whom we don't know at all and not even what he looks like, his address, what he drives, his phone number, what he does with himself, what kind of person he is, anything.

    I'm just imagining things like Monkeyboy and his buddy treating difficult child like ****. Her self esteen is already in the toilet, so I fear any worse and she could really do some damage. I fear her becoming a meth addict (I have no idea where I am getting those thoughts from). I am fearing boyfriend will physically, emotionally, and sexually abuse her...even though right now neither of them can imagine such a thing. I'm imagining the buddy of boyfriend's trying to take advantage or sexually assualting difficult child....I seriously am going nuts over this.

    How will they eat? She's already lost something like 10 lbs in recent weeks. I swear the only time the eat is when they are here! The medications thing, well it is what it is - she is home and she's stopped taking her medications, so I don't worry much about that. And then there is the BC - she's on the patch and I think she's having a bad reaction to it. Even H said he thinks it's messing with her hormonal emotions.

    But all the while, my mouth is closed. I am not saying anything.

    So, did any of you have your last say before they left? Did you forever hold your peace or did you say how you felt - just to get it out there?
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I would tell her how you feel:

    "difficult child, I know you want to do this. I just need to tell you that as your mom, I have a real bad feeling about this. My instincts are telling me that this is wrong - there is too much danger involved." "We do not know MonkeyBoy or his friends. If you insist on doing this, I want to meet MonkeyBoy and the friends - I want full legal names, cell phone numbers, addresses, ages, etc." "If these people decide to hurt you, then how am I going to know where you are and how to help?"

    Even though she pretends to not listen, she will hear your concerns. Maybe write her a letter so she can reread it whenever.

    Does your difficult child have a track phone? "I need to hear from you EVERY day - 8:00 am and 8:00 pm" "I want you home, I want you safe."
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    The first three times my daughter moved out, I had no chance to say a word. She was gone before I could take a breath. This time around, there was a chance to talk to her. Amazingly, the worst thing that happened to her was living on the streets for a few days. No sexual assaults. No beatings. No major drug use (I'm pretty sure they smoked grass and drank but nothing more).

    I didn't get to meet her roommate before they moved in together. I was not comfortable with that but there was nothing I could do about it, either. All I could do was talk to her. Actually, it was more listen when she talked. If I had voiced my misgivings, she would have tuned out and quit sharing anything.

    I think we mothers always think the worst. Some of us are lucky and the worst doesn't happen. Sometimes some of it does. Sometimes all of it does. I understand your fears. They were certainly up there with mine. I can't say if you should say something to her or not -- I know for mine that would have been the worst thing to do.

    She hasn't left yet so there is always the chance they won't end up going or have a fight and he goes and she stays. I'll say a pray that she stays near you. (((((HUGS)))))
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I think your fears are the same fears every mother has when their children go off on their own. PCdaughter lives in an apt. that we own which is a block from the house. She has been there for over a year, but I still have the desire to call every night to make sure she's locked the doors. She leaves in 17 days for Basic Training. I can't even put into words the fear I have over that one. And I won't be able to talk to her or see her for 9 weeks!!!! That is killing me. I think that you should write it all down. Look at it. If you want to, sit and talk to her with the list in hand and have her answer some of your questions. However, I have a strong feeling that this "move" just won't happen at all. Monkeyboy has never proven to be reliable before----
    But, we all know how stubborn gfsg can be. If you approach her with the attitude that you don't think it's a good idea---she will do it just to spite you.
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I think you have every right to have your last say. I think that instead of trying to talk to her, maybe you should write her a letter. This way you can have your thoughts organized and she can read and re-read it if she chooses.

    Sorry you are having such a hard time. Hugs for your mommy heart.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo...I did a whole lot of really stupid things when I was her age that could have ended up with some really bad outcomes. I think I had a fairy godmother looking out for me because I always made it out ok. Either that or as the song says...only the good die young.

    She will make mistakes, we all do. She will probably end up figuring out this is one of lifes larger mistakes and learn from it.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Your concerns I think are normal.

    When easy child moved out I was worried she was making the biggest mistake of her life. Not only was she moving in with boyfriend (which I wasn't opposed to) but she was moving in with boyfriend's brother and his girlfriend who were not people she cared much for, nor especially liked.

    On top of it all, my future sister in law worked at Subway and Airborne, neither which brought in much money as both were part time. easy child was in college and working walmart, and worse yet......pregnant with Darrin.

    It had seemed a rash decision to me at the time. And I did ask her if she'd thought it all thru. She said yes, and I dropped the issue. I gritted my teeth and watched her move out.

    Even being a easy child, it was no bed of roses. Often they came here to eat, invited by me when I realized they didn't have much food as roommates kept claiming the lion's share. But I kept my nose out of their business. I know it was really hard, but didn't find out how hard til much later.

    They made it work because they had to. And they learned how because they had to. And all in all, despite some rather dumb mistakes along the way, they've done just fine. And I'm proud of both easy child and sister in law.

    When Nichole moves out I know I'll probably feel the same way. And in the long run she'll probably come out ok.

    Some people have to learn life lessons first hand. I was one of them. And like Janet said, I'm pretty sure I had a guardian angle looking out for me at times. Cuz I could get myself stuck in some mighty fine jams. But I learned, and I learned fast. And those lessons I've never forgotten.

    If you really feel strongly you can ask her one last time if she has thought it all the way thru. How far away she'll be, and how difficult that makes it for you to help support her in her decision. Maybe put that way she won't see it as an attack on her adultness or on MB. And you'll feel better trying to reach her one last time. If nothing else, it might make her think a bit harder about future decisions.

  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    When easy child went away to college, I did the normal mom tearing up thing...boohoohooing it halfway home. H took me and difficult child out to dinner and after a glass of wine, I was able to laugh it all off. I never worried too much about easy child being all alone with her roommates, partying all night, etc. I knew she had the sense to know when to stop and I also know she had the sense to take care of her #1 priorities first - herself and school. When easy child moved in with boyfriend, H and I were not happy. We were opposed to it, but she being 20 and the picture of maturity, we helped her as my parents helped me when I took my first studio apt at 19 (as they beat it out of town on retirement! lol). I worry a little about easy child mainly because she puts too much on herself and is so busy trying to be an adult that she almost never lets her guard down anymore. That saddens me, but it's out of my hands - this is her MO.

    With difficult child, however, it's a different thing altogether. I've seen first hand how she's gotten herself into situations she cannot handle. After the internet pedophile thing at 15, I asked her if she was scared just before she got into the guy's truck and she said yes. So, I asked her why she went through with it and her response really startled me: "I was afraid to back out because I told him I'd go". Wow. And just about every bad scene that difficult child's been involved with can almost always be traced back to that feeling she has that she can't back out. Funny how she can back out on her family and closest friends...but not perfect strangers.

    So, this is what is niggling me - in the back of my head I don't think she really wants to go but she will because she doesn't want to back out on monkeyboy and/or his friend.

    I, too, have lived through many harrowing experiences that I wouldn't dare tell anyone about. It's amazing I am here, honestly. I put myself at risk, but no more than most people coming of age in the 70's and 80's. Honestly, the number of people who weren't doing everything I was doing is a very small handfull - that was the way it was at that time. I don't think there is much that difficult child/easy child could do that I haven't done myself (or at least H/exh). Some of the things H has done scares the crud out of me when he talks about it! I think that it's those experiences of my own that make it more difficult for me when it comes to difficult child being out there. I had the smarts to get myself out of those situations and jams, and perhaps a guardian angel, but I am not so sure about difficult child.

    Believe me, I don't particularly want her living at home, but I'd rather have her home than there, Know what I mean??

    I think I will write a letter so I can edit out any language that could be misconstrued as being persuasive in any way.

    Thank you for your input everyone.
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I can understand why you are more concerned about her than you were about easy child, because easy child's path was fairly predictable, and you were less worried about the outcome. But, you have to let difficult child go. She will learn more from this move than she could have from being with you. If she comes back you can welcome her with open arms - the same open arms that you let her go with. It's going to be harder for her to make the right decisions, but still, they are your decisions to make and learn from. If she makes her own mistakes, maybe she will understand how to not make those mistakes next time.

    Take a breath, and get ready for the long haul. ;)
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    OMG, thank you Witz...I'm sooo freakin depressed over this. Just after I wrote her this stupid 3 page letter telling her how I feel I went home for lunch and to leave her the letter.

    Guess who was there when I got there? Yep, Monkeyboy. And guess what else? They had been in my room. I told them they had to find someplace else to hang out. I don't want him in my house, let alone my room. I am so angry all over again...I don't want her there, but I don't want her with him in NH.

    And I know you're [all] right about this. I have to let her go and fall flat and figure things out for herself, but My God, this is so much more difficult than I had thought it would be. Before, it was always her leaving in anger and that last time, me telling her to leave, also in anger (although controlled). This time is different.

    I am going to edit my letter and ask the basics: the friend's address, his cell number. Should I give her some mad money for emergencies? Or not?? Ugh, just shoot me now.:sick:
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are going to edit the letter to just include the basics. I don't know that I would give her any money. I would ask if there is anything that she needs, and let her know that if she needs help she should call you first. I would supply things like household goods, or maybe a couple of rolls of quarters for the laundry mat. But not "money" money. This is her gig, let her pay for it.
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well, I figured that I could maybe give her a gift card for a local food store for a small amount ($30) and a couple of rolls of quarters ($20) and I am refilling her BC patch today so that's good for a month.

    I know H will want to slip her $100, but I will have to head him off and tell him NO. If he slips her a $20, that's okay...I just don't want her blowing it on weed or giving it to that friend to 'cover' her and monkeyboy's expense. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
  13. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Your fears are normal for moms and dads. When our difficult child has been out either having left or been kicked out we go through all that sick feeling, knowing that she puts herself in the way of abuse, drinking to the point of passing out with strangers she's just met. She has in fact been sexually abused before, and like your difficult child, she will stick with a no-goodnik (but give the cold shoulder to any guy that treats her decently). But the sad fact is that even if we didn't kick her out, like this last time, she would still put herself in these situations. Only if we held her prisoner could we prevent it, and of course we can't do that.