Not really an update...

[PatriotsGirl]

I saw difficult child yesterday. She asked if I would come pick up most of her things because she was thinking about turning herself in. She kept just one small bag of clothes. She has a bench warrant for skipping court and the other day a man showed up at my door because difficult child had cashed a couple of small checks - they were each a little over a hundred dollars. He said if we or her didn't pay up, he was going to have her charged. I told him I wasn't giving him a dime and I am sorry for his troubles, but this was done by her and needs to be paid by her. He said he was going to have her prosecuted. Add it to the list...

She is very unhappy with the boyfriend. He had promised to find them a place to live and hasn't. As she said, he can't even take care of himself and has promised to take care of her. He plucked her from a house where she was happy and had her own bedroom and they are now homeless. She said a year ago she would have been perfectly happy just being with him anywhere, but not anymore. They are staying at a cheap hotel for now. I told her she needs to figure out what she wants to do aside from him. Either go to rehab and tell the courts she is there, or turn herself in and face her troubles. She knows she is not getting anywhere living the way she is. She looked really, really good - actually kinda made me step back and realize she really is gorgeous. But she did admit she is still selling drugs. She claims she isn't doing them, but we all know that is not the truth. I don't believe that she is clean, even if she did look so good.

It was so good to see her, though. We just sat and talked for a while. She admitted that she is so hard to get along with and made the comment of how closer husband and I got after she moved out. I was honest and told her that she did bring a lot of stress into the house. She asked what was wrong with her and what her problem was. So, she is seeing there is an issue. One step in the right direction.

I felt very much detached and left still feeling detached. She is a grown woman. It is her life and her decisions to make. The only thing she asked of me was to hold her things, which I can do. She is not asking anything else of me. I love her so much and want to see her live a normal, happy life, but as I told her - she is the captain of her ship and only she can decide what to do with her life...she is not happy with it and that is the result of her choices.

I can love her to pieces and still be detached. It was hard finding that balance, but I think I am getting there....slowly.

On another note - husband and I left on New Year's day to drive up to Massachusetts for his grandmother's funeral services. It was the best and easiest trip we have ever done. We left at 6am and got there at midnight. I stayed awake the entire time (I normally sleep and poor husband has no company while he is driving) and husband and I enjoyed eachother's company for those few days. It was for a sad occasion, but it was really nice having that alone time for a few days. Makes me look forward to when we have a completely empty nest..

 

[DDD]

It sounds like you are on a healthy even keel and that's great. Excuse me for introducing a negative thought but it has been too many years with difficult child's for me to not second guess. Sigh. Did you check through her things to make sure that there are not illegal substances mixes in with her clothes etc? Yeah, I know...shouldn't have to think that way. Hugs DDD

 

[Nancy]

I've been thinking about you PG so I'm glad to hear from you. You know reading about your daughter makes me sad because she sounds so much like mine. When I see my daughter I know she isn't happy and wishes her life were different and yet she makes the choices every day that she does that causes her to be stuck in this awful place. She never asks much of us, just accepts the little she has and doesn't take the steps she needs to to make it better. I am so much more detached than I ever have been and yet there are times when I have this awful pit in my stomach and I toss and turn all night worrying about her future. I know there is nothing I can do and yet I look at her and just want to hug her and make it better. I wonder what she thinks in the dark of night when she is alone with her thoughts.

I wish so much more for your daughter and mine.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

It sounds like you are on a healthy even keel and that's great. Excuse me for introducing a negative thought but it has been too many years with difficult child's for me to not second guess. Sigh. Did you check through her things to make sure that there are not illegal substances mixes in with her clothes etc? Yeah, I know...shouldn't have to think that way. Hugs DDD

I had the same thought as she was packing it up, believe me! But she checked all of the pockets of everything before she put it in the bag. I watched. It is still all in my trunk - I need to bring it up to her old closet, but it is rainy out there...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I've been thinking about you PG so I'm glad to hear from you. You know reading about your daughter makes me sad because she sounds so much like mine. When I see my daughter I know she isn't happy and wishes her life were different and yet she makes the choices every day that she does that causes her to be stuck in this awful place. She never asks much of us, just accepts the little she has and doesn't take the steps she needs to to make it better. I am so much more detached than I ever have been and yet there are times when I have this awful pit in my stomach and I toss and turn all night worrying about her future. I know there is nothing I can do and yet I look at her and just want to hug her and make it better. I wonder what she thinks in the dark of night when she is alone with her thoughts.

I wish so much more for your daughter and mine.

EXACTLY. I just shake my head. I would have had enough long ago...

 

[Signorina]

Glad to read that you have some balance.

And - in some sense - glad to read that your difficult child has a small sense of resignation and has acknowledged her situation.

I know the frustration we all feel bc WE can clearly see the path they need/should take to a happy and healthy life. And as their moms, we know that time passes and life wont always be as forgiving & "rewritable"as it is for them right now.

Good job detaching & funding peace. You're a good role model for me right now...

 

[toughlovin]

PG it sounds like you are doing really well with the belancing act of detaching and loving them. It is such a fine line to walk really. I feel so much the same way... they really have no idea I think how much we love them... I am not sure you can really understand a parents love until you have been a parent! It hurts so much to see them hurting and we want so badly for them to figure things out and move forward with their lives in a positive way.... and yet ultimately we cannot do it for them. It is so hard for me to understand the choices they are making,giving the options they have!

TL

 

[rejectedmom]

It is so very hard to deal with our difficult child's choices and lifestyles if we are not detached. I'm not sure the nagging little yearning that things were different ever really goes away. I think we just get better at ignoring it. I am glad you are regaining some peace in your life and having nice times with your hubbie again. -RM

 

[exhausted]

PG,
You sound so healthy. I am glad you are enjoying your husband and moving forward. Boy is this hard work!
it helps me to see your strength.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Woah....now big update. She called this morning with M. She took two pregnancy tests in front of him and both came back positive. They were going to urgent care to confirm this morning. I haven't heard from them yet. Looks like I may be a grammy.

I was exactly her age right now at this exact time of year when I got pregnant with her. It was what made me straighten up. Lord knows where I would be today if I hadn't had her. Here is to praying with everything I have that it does the same for her....

 

[Signorina]

I don't know what to write-a baby is always a blessing. I will hope and pray that the new life growing within her will be the start of a new, sober, responsible lifestyle for her & the baby's dad.

 

[Nancy]

Oh PG I pray with everything inside me that she decides the life inside her is reason to get clean and stay clean.

 

[busywend]

Woah is right! Ugh that it will be this guy as the father....with any luck he will disappear. I hope this opens her eyes!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I don't know what happened to my previous account, but I had to re-register. It's still me.

This whole thing is such a mess. She was dating another M at the same time. Of course my first thought is this baby is the other M's. How could she be with the original M for over a year and just get pregnant now?? Doesn't make any sense. Of course, he knows about the other M and has the same thoughts and concerns. I told him he needs to figure out if he loves her enough to stick by her no matter what. Wouldn't be fair to any of them to stick through a pregnancy only to have him take off once a dna test is done.

He found them an apartment but needs to come up with the money for it. Really?? They have NO place to live yet they are bringing a baby into the world. I asked her if she wanted the baby and she said yes, because it is M's baby and she is convinced of that. Though she admitted to me that she had slept with each of them ON THE SAME DAY once in December. OMG!!!! She swears the other M told her he had a vasectomy and they used condoms. I told her men LIE and condoms were not 100%. I told her the absolute best thing for her to do right now is turn herself in, get in front of the judge and tell him that she is a pregnant drug addict that very much wants and needs help. They have a drug court there. I bet the judge would let her attend rehab as an alternative sentence. Rehab is better for a pregnant woman than jail! She is just being dumb right now...

She also told me that she has not put anything into her body since she found out she was pregnant. M says she is a miserable bear to say the least. I told them both that is the withdrawals...but goodness knows what damage has already been done to this baby. Goodness knows the health problems this child may have from the years of destruction she has done to herself.

husband is not happy. Stamps his foot and says no way is she and the baby going to live here. Well, that wasn't even a thought. She wouldn't live here if we asked her to. She won't even move into her own place in this county.

Me? I am so torn. I agree, babies are such a blessing and I could hold out hope it would be what makes her change her life around, but things are just too messy...I wish I could be excited about being a grandma, but I just can't right now.

 

[rejectedmom]

Oh my this is certainly a reason for concern. A baby should be a joyous event. So many worries and fears for this innocent little life. I fostered drug addicted infants. It is so hard to watch and deal with all the side effects some of which are lasting. I hope with all my heart your daughter stays off the stuff.

(((HUGS))) PG you are in such a hard place. -RM

 

[PatriotsGirl]

And it just keeps getting better....

She does not have maternity benefits under our insurance. She will need to apply for Medicaid. Before she can apply for benefits, obviously, she needs to turn herself in and get the warrant cleared up. UGH....

 

[Nancy]

PG I am so sorry you are in such an awful place. You may remember I was there about a year and a half ago when difficult child announced she was pregnant. He was a heroin addict, new in recovery but with an awful background and most of his family in jail where he spent a good deal of time himself. difficult child also told me she did use anything after she found out she was pregnant but I had the same concerns you did, how much damage had she already done, and what kind of genes would this baby be born with and how would she feed this baby when she couldn't even feed herself and she had no job or place to live and on and on and on. I was literally sick to my stomach. I walked around in such pain over the whole situation. husband and I both told her we would not support her and the baby and it killed us but we are not young and we had been through so much with her and we had such fears for both their futures.

I can only pray for you and for her to make the best decision for everyone involved, no judgement or advice, just support for you and complete understanding and compassion.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you Nancy. I do remember! The roller coaster never seems to stop, does it??

M is really stepping up to the plate and feels that she and the baby are his responsibility. I agree. We have been talking a lot over Facebook and now via text. I can't believe I am going to say this, but I like him. I really do. I think he does have a good head on his shoulders and I know he was living a really good life before he got messed up with drugs. I know his aunt and he does come from a really good family that is supporting him 100% in his recovery. His facebook pictures from before he got into drugs show that he was living a good, decent life. Then he tried dope and became an addict. I do believe he is clean and I believe him when he told me she has been clean. I honestly think they have a shot if they work really hard for it. Hopefully this is the turning point. I can only pray. I feel thankful that she at least has him in the picture and he is committed. He certainly seems to be. He is trying to get me to calm down and reassure me that everythign will be okay. He says while they may not have much right now, that he is thankful just to have her by his side. He loves her. No doubt. For that, I am thankful. She told me today that he is taking good care of her. She sounded happier...

I called the police station where she had court and had difficult child's name run for a warrant. They have not issued one, yet! They showed her charge, but no warrant. I cannot believe this girl's luck. I told her she needs to make an appointment with the DA, explain her situation and ask for more time to clear her fines, etc. Regardless, I can now take her to get the pregnancy confirmation and apply for benefits.

I hate that she will be another pregnant young girl on welfare, but on the other hand, husband and I have paid in for so long why shouldn't she use them if she needs them? I did at first until I was on my feet...

husband is still not happy one bit about any of this. His concern is the potential health problems of the baby. Mine are, too. God, I pray that child gets a chance...

So, that is where we are. I'll update tomorrow after I get back from seeing them. It has been a crazy couple of days....thank you all for being here for me!

 

[lovemysons]

Hi PG,
My goodness...when does it ever end, lol!

I sure hope your daughter will get her fines etc cleared up and I most certainly hope that if difficult child truly is pregnant that she will abstain from the use of alcohol and or drugs for the life of the baby.
Maybe getting her some prenatal and new mommy books meanwhile might be a good idea.

One other thing. There is an organization called "Crisis Pregnancy Center" that can help difficult child with all sorts of issues ranging from Job, housing, counceling, getting her in with doctor and welfare even I believe.

I wish your daughter and YOU all the best...
Hang in there,
hugs,
LMS

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you! I jumped into mommy mode today. I took her to confirm the pregnancy (she is due September 9th), apply for medicaid and WIC. She already has her WIC vouchers. I bought her prenatal vitamins and a What to Expect When You Are Expecting book. It's been quite a day.

Oh boy. Here we go....