Not sure if I should get involved

[TerryJ2]

Hi all, scanning the subject headings here, I see I'm still in good company. I was on this board for many years, until we kicked out our son (drugs, knife, gun). He got a job and his friends helped him out. Now he is married with two toddlers, one on the way (1st wk of Feb) and a 6-yr-old from a previous relationship. He has had at least one affair--his wife thinks several--and I thought everything was going well--job promotion for a transportation company, working hard, watching the kids 3 days a week while his wife works. She just texted my daughter, who called me. The text said one of his wife's friends saw his dating profile on an app and he lists himself as polyamorous. He is bipolar and barely on the aspie spectrum. He is taking his medications, but there is only so much you can do. I want to strangle him. His kids are SO sweet! But his relationship with his wife so very toxic. Neither of them knows how to be in a relationship. She was raised in a huge family where the parents fight, physically and verbally. She brought that into the marriage. He brought in lots of therapy but also his mental illness. He knows not to hit but she is provocative. She has called the police on him before. Clearly, by texting my daughter, she is reaching out. She does not want to tell her family. Yesterday I texted them and wished them a happy 5th anniversary. She said thank you and he said nothing. I will have them over on Christmas day. Do I pretend not to know all this?

 

[Crayola13]

Have they been to marriage counseling? She needs therapy for herself after being raised in that type of household.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you for responding, Crayola. They have tried couples counseling on Telehealth. She thought it was a waste of time and only went twice. He went for a while but now he told me it's been a year since he had talked to anyone professional.

 

[ksm]

It's so hard to know what to do...or not do...there are no good ways to handle this.

And when young children are involved it's s even worse... hugs...

Newksm

 

[Blighty]

It's a toughie.
Reaching out ?? Or stirring the pot ?

For me it would be; their relationship is their business to work out. It's easy to get dragged into drama, but it ain't my problem to fix. They are adults. So it's not something I would bring out into the open. But I don't have to pretend that I don't know. If someone wants to discuss it with me, I can listen, even express my feelings about it, but don't tell them what to do. I don't have to take sides.
I hope that I would deal with my own grief and anger about it in a way that helps myself, without feeding into the drama; talking with a partner, a counsellor. I would also be able to choose how involved I want to be with a person , so that I look after myself.

 

[KTMom91]

That's a hard call. On one hand, it's their business. On the other, there are the kids to consider. Are they safe in the middle of all this? I'm not sure how you can help his wife without helping him as well, that could really create even more conflict if you side with his wife. Can you hold on and see what you're told directly?

I would try to stay out of it as much as you can. Observe without participating. Many hugs going out.

 

[Nomad]

I Hope your Christmas day went well. I’m not sure how to answer your question. What a difficult and sad dilemma. Very generally speaking, at least at this particular moment, I would tend to stay out of it as much as you can.

 

[JMom]

Terry,

How was Christmas? I agree with others who have stated that I wouldn't get involved unless the kids are unsafe.
Hugs,
JMOM

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Terry.

I'm wondering, too, how Christmas went. This is all of it so hard.
Like the others, I think that our kids get to manage their own lives until the kids become unsafe. I think any kind of input by you unless directly solicited, would be ineffective and perhaps volatile and you might be targeted and blamed. They could unite and turn against you.

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi everyone, here it is, one Christmas later. I did not realize I hadn't checked back. Christmas 2022 went well and we did not delve into personal topics. Way too hard to do on a holiday, and even more so with toddlers and babies. I am working on a full length poetry book about raising my son. Not worried about him seeing it--he hates poetry! I am trying to get my son to call a doctor or nurse practitioner for a medication update and diagnosis update, but you know how hard it is after bringing the horse to water. Son has been suicidal a couple of times, and I received a desperate call from him just as we were leaving our hotel out West, the day before Labor Day. Son was home alone and had his gun with him. I talked him down while my husband called 911. by the way, you cannot call 911 from another state. He called our home town non-emergency police number and had them relay the information. Terrifying and crazy-making. Son spent several hrs in hospital (went willingly) but they handcuffed him to a bed and left him alone for a couple of hrs while waiting for an intake interview. Sheesh! He lied and said he had no plan so they let him go home. If he had stayed, he would have gotten the medication adjustments he needs. He's on the same lithium dose he was on in HS, and if he truly is bipolar, I cannot imagine why he's on Prozac. To my knowledge, he has not had any more affairs, but he did bring home a foster dog--which you know means he will keep it after it is healthy and adjusted. His wife is Muslim, they are living in her parents' old house, and they do not believe in animals inside. Just what they need--another mouth to feed. He is always behind financially and I just don't know what to do to make him budget. It's not like he wasn't taught. Well, Merry Christmas!

 

[Nomad]

Thank you for the update. As I tend to say “Its always something!” And that goes at least double for all of us. You’ve reported a LOT for just a year. Whew. You seem to have handled it as best as can be expected. This is saying a lot.
You are strong and wise. Merry Christmas!