Nothing Changes

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nessie, Dec 10, 2017.

  1. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    Son is now back living at home, I use the term home sadly as it doesn’t feel that way. He is due back at the police station on Wednesday and should get a court date. He will likely receive a custodial sentence of three years. I hate that this is my best option.

    My whole life feels fraudulent at the moment, like I am constantly pretending. Sometimes I think that’s it , I should not have to put up with this and feel like just washing my hands of him. Mostly, I think my whole life is ruined and there is nothing I can do. Sick of feeling so disappointed.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Why do you allow him to ruin your life?
     
  3. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    I guess I am scared that he will die, it’s really that simple.
     
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nessie, the reality is that if he is using drugs he could die whether living with you or not. We let my daughter move home and my husband found her unconscious on the couch from a heroin overdose. The EMT's said she would have died if he had come home two minutes later.

    Letting him move home and make your life miserable is not the answer. He needs to go to a sober living facility.

    ~Kathy
     
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with Kathy 100%. We can't keep them alive. Home with us won't help; is not the answer. Please.. Your life matters too.
     
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  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry Nessie for your hardship and pain. It is a difficult thing when our kids grow into adulthood and have problems that lead to a series of bad choices and drug use.
    When my two were at my house, I didn't want to be home. It was a nightmare.
    I didn't know what else to do.
    I couldn't imagine them being out there, somewhere.........

    The thing that helped me shift focus from awfullizing what may or may not happen to my two, if I didn't house them, was the fact that their being in my home didn't change their behaviors, and they dragged all of us into chaos and drama.
    Something had to change.
    It wasn't fair to any of us, least of all my two younger kids, who were doing quite well, in spite of it all.
    Well, so I thought.
    My son was sick and tired of it.
    After yet another dramatic episode, he broke down sobbing uncontrollably.
    That day, seeing him laying on my bed shaking and crying, I said enough.

    I realized that we had been so caught up and focused on the frenzy of our two d cs, that our kids who were doing well were just kind of on the sidelines.
    Not fair.

    I know how scary it is to let go and let come what may for our d cs. Let them face the consequences of their actions.

    You are right, nothing changes,
    if nothing changes.
    My two weren't going to change, especially when I made them comfortable in my house. I couldn't "fix" them, and they were causing uproar.

    I had to change.

    I would say to you very gently Nessie, if you won't do it for yourself, because you are in a fragile place right now, do it for your 16 year old.

    My son helped me to realize that nobody, least of all my adult d cs, has the right to disrupt the peace and sanctity of our home.

    Wishing you strength.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
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  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your pain, Nessie.

    But why do you think YOUR life is ruined?

    Look at your signature. You must be doing something right!

    It's not YOUR life, Nessie, it's HIS life and there is nothing you can do. He can ruin it or he can make it better, but you are not responsible for that.

    You are not responsible for his choices.

    I'm sure you've heard it before --
    You didn't CAUSE it.
    You don't CONTROL it.
    You can't CURE it.

    Wouldn't it feel good, and honest, to just put it down?

    It doesn't mean you have to wash your hands of him entirely. It just means you stop trying to clean up his mess.
     
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I find detachment easier when they don't live with us. We can't learn to leave them be and live our own lives while they are there, self-destructing right in front of us. We can't love them to health. Addiction is not like the flu. Our nurturing and letting them abuse us is unhealthy for us AND them and just makes things stay the same or get worse, not better. And, yes, they can die at home. A teenage friend of a teen I know hung herself in her closet. Nobody saw it coming, even though she was with family.

    We have to change or nothing else will change. Please do not spend your life trying to save your son. Only he can do that.

    Love and hugs.
     
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  9. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    Thank you all for your comments.

    In a logical moment I know they are the truth I just don’t always feel strong. I hope to have a court date on Wednesday and then I can plan from there. It was a mistake to have him home but I am very limited where I live, no shelters or inpatient rehab.

    I’m so glad you have reminded me what I do have because it is very easy to forget. Love to you all. X
     
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi Nessie;

    Ther is nothing more I can add to the support and advice you have already received.

    You are not alone. There are no mistakes. We do what we do out of love and support. We grow and we learn as we go.

    Keep us posted as to how you make out in court.

    Circiling the wagons of support around you.

    Cyber hugs
     
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  11. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    Advocate has told my son he is potentially looking at seven years in prison, very tough where I live. His court date is 8th January which she will likely adjourn for a month.

    I don’t know how to carry on and am so worried about how he is going to handle this. My husband is useless and I feel very much alone. Never have I wanted to run away so much.
     
  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh my Nessie that is a sentence. I feel your anxiety and pain.

    Focus on you and your daughters for now. There have been many a person who have found their way in jail. His actions his choices.

    Our children will do what they will do regardless of the example we place for them.

    Sending you a big hug!
     
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Nessie

    I have been reading along and am very sorry you are in this situation. The holidays only compound our grief.

    You have been given excellent advice here and there's nothing more that I can add except maybe to see a counselor that specializes in addiction to help you with boundaries and self care. That is what I have done. It takes a long time but it is good to talk things out with a professional - in my opinion.

    Keep coming here and posting and reading. It is very therapeutic. We are here with you and you will get a lot of wisdom and strength from these folks!

    :group-hug:
     
  14. Nessie

    Nessie Member

    So it seems nothing happens fast even though the island I live on is awash with posters that proclaim ‘Caught today, Court tomorrow’

    Meeting with the advocate revealed sentencing will not be until April. Ticking along in the meantime and have decided I cannot put life on hold until then. It’s hard but all I can do.

    It’s a terrible thing to wish it over as this ultimately means my son will be in prison but I’m tired, we all are in my house. His behaviour has been stable but hangs in the air like a toxic cloud.

    Sad thing is I actually feel guilty for even daring to think I can just get on with a normal kind of life.
     
  15. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    Nessie,
    The key for me has been to force myself to live a normal life. I still feel guilty but I carry on. I make myself go on vacation, socialize, turn my phone off if I have to. There's still a voice in my head that says, "what if there's a crisis?" "what kind of mother goes on vacation when her son is suicidal?" But, I make myself be "normal" anyway.
    Good luck.
     
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