Good suggestion, Kathy.
I heartily endorse a super-nice letter.
I know some people may see me as adversarial at times - but only when I have tried absolutely everything else, and only as much as I need to be. And even then, I stick to POLITE. I might get firm, I might even get sarcastic (if met with stonewalling or absolute denial of there ever having been any problems) but in general, I try to keep the main aim in mind - the child's needs getting met.
The teacher has needs too. So does the parent. Approach this meeting with an air of "let's sit down over coffee and talk through what we can do to help each other, to help this child" and see where it goes. Once the teacher stops being defensive, once you stop feeling like you want to strangle her, you should be able to cooperatively work on a plan.
Something that has worked for us, sounds like it could work here - a communication book between home and school. It travels in the child's bag but in no way can getting it out of the bag or putting it back be made a responsibility of the child. It is too important. In the book, you write the sort of things you need to know, or feel the other party needs to know. Support each other. Tell each other interesting things as well as the problem things.
Sometimes it will seem almost irrelevant, but often looking back through the book you can begin to see patterns and identify triggers you may not have recognised before.
It's putting two heads together, instead of each of you (teacher and parent) playing catch-up and guesswork.
It also is a time-saver and energy saver. A teacher does not want a daily classroom step[s conference, especially if she has had a bad day teaching YOUR child. She wants to get home to a relax, a massage and maybe even a stiff drink. Using the book helps her do just that, but it communicates as effectively as a daily conference.
I have had some good teachers for difficult child 3, and some really bad ones. Even with the bad ones, who I knew before we even got started, that they disliked me intensely (it was mutual) I still managed to have a civil, somewhat helpful, relationship. It actually was husband and wife - I get on OK with the husband as long as I don't think of him as a teacher; I give the wife a wide berth unless I'm avoiding the topic of teaching and kids. But we used the book well (apart from the husband trying to make difficult child 3 responsible for the book, which I stopped - we were losing the book and thereby losing the communication).
Despite my personal feelings about this pair, I had to accept that even the wife really did care about helping my son. Of course, she didn't want anyone (no experts, no supports, no counsellors etc) to tell her how to help him, she wouldn't accept any expert reports at all, but she still did care. And I used that as our meeting ground. We both had this in common. Most of our meetings involved her telling me what she felt I needed to understand, and me listening (I knew better than to try) plus me telling her of my own observations (no judgements permitted) but it all was still better than no communication.
So if I can do it, with those rather unhelpful teachers, anyone can. And you can imagine how well the book worked with the really good teachers difficult child 3 has had! It made such a big difference.
That woman's husband at least kept the book working well (when he had it) and as a result of his input, we noticed a number of very important patterns which became predictors of the problem behaviours. We never would have had that without the book. And they both made sure to provide us with work at home, when difficult child 3 began to be so ill (from anxiety, it was eventually determined).
Being polite to someone doesn't have to mean being submissive, or agreeing with them in everything. You can be polite and still successfully stand your ground. Avoid anything accusatory, be as pragmatic as possible, stay calm, do not use any bad language (even if you do normally, purely as slang) and make "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, "I was concerned when you said that," is better than, "you shouldn't say that to me."
An "I" statement is simply you expressing how you feel about something, the person you're talking to has the option of taking it on board, or not. If they choose to see your statement as getting at them, that is their choice. But a "you" statement is unavoidable, it is clear and unambiguous. It is a challenge which must be answered and it can change a productive discussion into a futile argument, very quickly.
When easy child 2/difficult child 2 was just beginning school, I got government permission f or her to be accelerated in. I do not recommend this for everyone, but in this cases it was believed to be the best option, by us, by her therapists and doctors. But these teachers did not agree. I requested a face to face meeting with them to discuss this, to give them the chance to say to me what I knew was being said behind my back. I made darn sure I used all "I" statements during that meeting! I was bombarded with a lot of "you" statements, such as "You are traumatising that child," "You are a bad parent to want this," and "What makes you think your child is so special?" but I still very much value that meeting, and also value those teachers who had the courage to take part and say what they thought. I had invited that, and I had to wear it.
And yes, the teacher I mentioned was at the head of the pack, I think that is one big reason for her dislike of me. Which doesn't bother me at all, since she did NOT let it affect her management of my child. And again, I value her for that as well.
Good communication can rise above all this sort of disagreement and dislike. As a general rule, your child's teacher has the best interests of your child in mind. If ever you feel it is otherwise, you need to sort it out pronto. But always, listen first, pay attention, gather your information and sleep on your concerns (if you can).
Good luck with the meeting, I hope you and the teacher can find a meeting of minds for the ultimate benefit of your son and his classmates.
Marg