Now what do I do?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Mar 23, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just found evidence- difficult child violated parole. Today is his first day of school. Do I call PO and tell him- knowing difficult child may just go straight back in Department of Juvenile Justice? He broke a law- status offense. Do I wait 2 more weeks and tell PO? Do I warn difficult child and tell him he gets another chance? I'm so disappointed. Maybe instead of calling PO, I just confront difficult child with it and tell the mentor when they come on Friday.
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2010
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I don't think "cured" is the word for it... Curious as to what he did?
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I was being facetious when I said "cured". They determined he's not BiPolar (BP) in Department of Juvenile Justice- obviously, he's still a major difficult child- if you want to call it that.

    I left a message for PO- hopefully he'll do something to wake difficult child without putting him right back in Department of Juvenile Justice, but there's nothing I can do about it- these were difficult child's choices and determination to break his rules.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    If it's his first offense, the PO may just give him a good talking to. But then again ...

    Yes, they are difficult child's choices. Supposedly, we all learn by making mistakes. And learning from them. Problem is, g'sfg don't seem to learn from their mistakes.

    So sorry.
  5. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    klmno, do you think he has a mental illness? Is he on any medications? Is being in Department of Juvenile Justice going to get him any treatment?
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, crud. Sorry klmno. He has put you in a really lousy situation.

  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you're really between a rock and a hard place. Will there be any repercussions for you if you don't report it to PO? Or will difficult child think he can get away with whatever it is, and then be off again?

    Many hugs.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think he has a complex- he tends to be a perfectionist at times, gets stressed and overwhelmed and depressed at times. He does have some anxiety issues and now seems to want to plow into some form of substance abuse or addictive behavior. Other than these things- I no longer entertain the thought that he has a MI like BiPolar (BP). I feel fairly certain at this point that he does not. Department of Juvenile Justice did help with these things, although he needs help dealing with these issues in a mainstream environment now. It's one thing to learn to cope in a structured environment where you know what to expect 24/7 and are being monitored thru all of it and are there with others that you don't feel inferior to. It's another to cope with it all ITRW. Of course if you are spending your time planning to plow down the wrong road, it makes it difficult for someone to help you.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yes, there would be repercussions for me if I did not report a parole violation- and yes, difficult child would think he had me where he wanted me and that I would cover for him.

    And as a PS to the previous post- I don't think medications will help him. I think where he went wrong was in his real plan at Department of Juvenile Justice. It's like being in rehab and instead of being honest with yourself and others about wanting to stay clean after your out, he apparently really did plan to get out and start all over. I think he has two sides battling within himself. He's swearing he'll never go back into incarceration. I don't think he is suicidal and I seriously doubt he could run and not get caught so I have no idea how he's planning on avoiding getting incarceration again as long as he's determined to break my rules and the PO's rules. Maybe he really doesn't care at all.
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2010
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I would protect myself then and report him. It's obvious he hasn't thought things through, but what difficult child does at 15? I would also be very concerned about difficult child thinking he can do whatever and you won't say anything.

    I'm sorry this has happened so soon after his release. Many hugs.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well- either the bus is late or he didn't get off at his stop and come straight home.
  12. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    K, did he come home?
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yep- and WW3 has broken out. I told him I had a call into PO and I've heard yelling for an hour. I've been blamed for all his problems and threatened with everything except physical violence directly toward me- but it appears to be right around the corner. He has taken the phone and I have no idea where it is. It ended with him telling me he would give things one more chance if I would just stay out of his brain and leaver him alone- he'd try not to break the law anymore. Boy aren't we going to have fun. Oh- more punching the wall and threats to run away and his life would be horrible and it was my fault because good mothers doon't turn their kids in- they do more for the kids to get them to stop doing these things. Yeah, right. He's saying it's my fault because I'm always going off at him- really- he's spent over an hour in my face yelling and cussing me. I never do that with him. The whole problem is that I'm not a good mother. I'm a p***y a***d b***h . I never trusted him, I think he's just a bad kid. I never tried to help him or do anything for him. I never wanted him home. That's why he has continued to break the law. I should do more for him. He doesn't want to live somewhere else- he wants to live here- he just doesjjn't want to live with me.
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2010
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There are some people, kids particularly, but people in general who do very well in very structured settings. That is why they are model prisoners. That is why some people become career military. Or even become law enforcement or firemen. Structure that is known.

    Dont know what he did but it is concerning that he is acting out this soon. I wouldnt discard the idea that he doesnt have some sort of disorder though. Its quite easy to comply while structured, its a whole nother thing in the real world. What that disorder might be though is hard to say.
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Other than things like adjustment disorder, anxiety, depression....I'm starting to give more weight to a personality disorder developing. Unfortunately, it might have developed as a result of all these tdocs barking up the wrong tree for years and never really dealing with his issues when they were simpler.
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I do think he'd do well in a military boarding school- and profs have said this in the past. But I can't afford it and he can't get it financed due to his record- fincanced as in scholarships or whatever to cover costs. I can only feel so much pity for him right now- he's made his choices- he's not that innocent. Trust me on that- he knows more about what he's doing then he's letting on. Department of Juvenile Justice required a whole lot of them writing out where they went wrong before, how to prevent it in the future, what their plan was for returning home, options for choosing better actions, etc. He's a classic abuser and dysfunctional thinker at this point but I KNOW they gave him better tools and know he has lists of them in the packet he brought home. There's no excuse for this. Period. I tried to tell him not to take the phone, not to run away, etc., so he didn't dig himself in deeper. Now he's trying to make it look like he's doing me a favor by "giving things one more chance not to break the law or violate parole". Pffttt. My son isn't that stupid. Just wait a couple of hours- he's either going to completely flip or be in tears.
  17. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Did I read that right? HE'S going to give YOU one more chance???

    Well isn't that big of him!!

    Not trying to make light of the situation at all, but I can't even imagine the thought processes that lead him to make a statement like that! And that makes sense to him??
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Excuse me- it didn't take that long after all. As soon as I posted the last post, he was in here asking for one more chance and sayinghe'd tell me he was sorry "but he's sure it wouldn't matter". He is saying i just want him locked back up. Honestly, I want this dealt with while it's a status offense we're looking at so maybe they'll just scare him silly instead of locking him back up. He keeps acting like if I was a "good mom" I would cover for him. Don't think so. I think he had all those chances in the past and he just got his warning yesterday that I would not be going back to court to advocate for him and this was his last chance at home. (Yes, Donna, you read it right. Don't you envy me for getting this favor?) He got this attitude from my family then the GAL who also got it from my family.

    Then he shifted gears and told me what a great day he had at school. He's doing homework now, or at least he is supposed to be.- right after he puts the cream on the scars- you know the cream this mean mom got him that is supposed to help fade the scars from the cutting that turned out to just be manipulating me into bailing him out of legal trouble?

    If I ever do duct tape him, as soon as I get the hands secure, I'm starting on the mouth.
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2010
  19. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    klmno - I may be completely off base, but I think it's time for you to stand back and let him make his choices. It is absolutely inexcusable for him to pull this garbage. Flipping out on *you* because he's violating parole? Turning your home back into a war zone? Nope, absolutely not. After all you have tried to get in place for him, the emotional roller coaster ride you have been on for months, for him to treat you like this really burns my toast. Not that difficult children are notoriously grateful children, but.... honestly.... I'm really biting my tongue here. The boy needs a reality check, like yesterday.

    You are required to report violations. Period. He makes the choice to violate. You *have* no choice.

    Punching walls is violence, klmno. You do not deserve this.

    This is not your fault.

    I think perhaps the time for talk therapy/therapeutic parenting is over. He knows what the rules are. He will either follow them or not. You obviously cannot make him follow them. You sure as heck are *not* responsible for him choosing not to follow them. He knows the consequences. I have to wonder if he thinks he's testing you here - will Mom really turn me in? in my humble opinion, you'd best do it in a heartbeat because I think he'll keep upping the ante.

    I'm sorry he's anxious, depressed, whatever. It's not an excuse to pull this. He's old enough and has certainly the experience to do better.

    Sorry - I'm really absolutely furious that he's apparently completely forgotten where he's been the last year or so, *why* he was there, and that he has the gall to blame his choices on you.
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's exactly how I'm thinking, slsh! Thank you! I do hope they give him a reality check to help him ITRW instead of re-incarceration, but still, he needs a reality check big time- RIGHT NOW before the ante is upped (and yes it would be) and before a more serious offense is committed or God forbid, he became violent against me again. And it is for his own good whether he realizes it or not.

    He did bring me the phone back.