Opinions needed over this stupid trivial issue

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Sep 29, 2011.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    When I arrived home from work yesterday, easy child was busy in the kitchen making a quiche. The house smelled delightful! I asked if that was for us. She said she's making one for her friend's birthday and a larger one for us. I was happy - I didn't have to make dinner, even though all I had planned was burgers.

    In the meantime, easy child heated up some of her organic chicken nuggets and tater tots for her dinner, which we do not eat, EVER.

    So, easy child and I are chatting it up as she was cooking and in walks H. By this time, easy child's plate of chicken nuggets and tater tots are on the counter and in between making the quiches she's snagging a bite here and there - it is her dinner. H walks over and takes a chicken nugget. easy child tells him that it is her dinner and asks him not to eat them. He pops a tater tot in his mouth and beligerantly says, "What's the big deal, they're sitting on the counter in MY house".

    Well, those kind of comments just really bother me. First of all, I hate when he says stupid **** about it being HIS house - we all live here, it's all our house. And it's fair to share, but I personally think it's rude to just help yourself to what is obviously someone's food sitting there on a plate. easy child gets annoyed but leaves it alone.

    Then I asked him, "Do you want the burgers I took out for dinner or the quiche easy child is making?" H was mad now because of easy child telling him not to eat her food so he says to ME, "Do whatever you want!" and walks off to the shower. So, before he gets into the shower, I asked him again. He repeats what he said earlier. I ignore him now and just go off to the spare room to do my homework on line.

    When H got out of the shower, he went into the kitchen and noisily began making the burgers. When I went out there, he asked me if I wanted one, I said yes, etc. During dinner, he was snotty so I called him on it - "what is your problem? I can't believe you were so snotty to me about making dinner, I got in after 6PM, only 30 minutes before you, you're almost 50 years old - you should be able to handle dinner once in a while" and he complains that I didn't make dinner and went off to do my HW instead while he was hungry. Then I repeat that at his age, he should be able to handle a couple of burgers if he's hungry and that it would be nice for him to make dinner more often and stop being such a big baby about it.

    And that is when he tells me he is REALLY angry with easy child for being so stingy with her food and he's angry because she snapped at him for eating the chicken nugget and tater tot.

    WTH? Really? It all sounds like baby boy BS to me. I am siding with easy child on this one, even though I really do not think that this is what his problem is really about.

    I think we're both going through something but I just can't put my finger on it. I know on my end I'm done taking care of everyone. Between going to school and working full time, I expect H to pick up where I cannot and to be more supportive. He has told me he supports my going to school, but his actions say otherwise. And he has said, "I hate when you're in school" (because he needs to be more self reliant). I just don't have the patience for an overgrown toddler. And I KNOW easy child wishes she didn't live here.

    Opinions please (other than my H is an ass).
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Little things strike a nerve with me when I am stressed or tired. Since you both are in crisis mode it makes sense that more little issues will erupt until you get the true issues out on the table and come to a resolution. I'm guessing that a year ago this wouldn't have been as big a deal.

    When, again, is your joint therapy session? I keep hoping it is this week so you guys can start tackling the big ugly cloud that is hanging over your heads. Sending supportive hugs your way. DDD
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Ditto your last comment! But besides that, you might have to do Plan B as you would with any difficult child. You need to find out what is REALLY bothering him. Could it be the mother issuse carrying over? Just a thought. Your H is definitely a difficult child so you might have to treat him like one. Does he have a diagnosis? Do you suspect one? I agree with easy child also. She did nothing wrong. Sounds like the two of you need counseling. Things are getting to an "uncomfortable" place and you might need help to avoid a total breakdown.
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    And I'm guessing if he'd asked for one of easy child's nuggets, because he's starving, she have said "sure"....

    Yeah, I'm sure there's more going on, but that bothers me, too.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    DDD, our appointment isn't until next week, grrr.

    And yes, I'm sure it's all related to the stuff going on, but he's always been like this about food in the house..."It's MY house, I can eat whatever I want"

    Now, I will say that it bugs me when easy child goes food shopping for herself and puts her name on the items. Not all of them, but a select few that are specifically for her lunches for the week. Even though it bugs me, I do understand where she's coming from because H or difficult child will just hlep themselves and not care that the item may have been earmarked for someone/something else. H and I have joked that we will begin labeling the foods we buy as ours...lol. However, we'd never do it, well, at least I would never do it, lol.

    It's H's attitude about MINE and YOURS, etc. When someone is being extremely territorial, isn't that a form of coping via control?

    Yes, TeDo, he is a difficult child, it's become glaringly apparent the longer I live with the man. Just when I thought I was done with gfgness, looks like I'll have to get my rear in gear and start practicing difficult child-101 again.

    on the other hand, I think it's more than just gfgness. I think it's this prevalent attitude by a lot of men that women take care of things like dinner and cleaning. Last week when I asked H to scrub the bathroom shower for me (I can no longer do this job because of my knee) his response was, "Where's easy child?!" as if because she has the V it should fall to her and not him. Know what I mean??

    The whole dinner thing - we didn't marry until he was nearly 32 - from the time he was 18 up until that point, he ate, he shopped, he made his own dinner. I get why it fell predominantly to me - I already had two little girls to care for, I always made their dinner. But as they got older and I went back to school, if I don't cook, he simply won't eat and then he will complain about it the next day. I can usually ignore him, but I'm feeling the undying urge to correct him every time now. Thank God easy child was interested in becoming a chef - she made lots of dinners and still does!
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    If it helps, my husband was the same way with the big boys, and my big boys are the same way as your easy child with my husband.

    He got mad as hades if they got his stuff, but he had a right to anything of theirs. What little easy child 1 still has around our house is locked up. I do not blame him, as husband will take it and not return it. I've let go of that, and husband knows better than to complain to me, because he's the one who made it like this. easy child 1 is doing exactly what husband taught him.

    Have you seen Finding Nemo? The scene where all the pelicans see the fish and start yelling "MINE! MINE!" That's my husband and his family. easy child 1 and I joke about it, and honestly, humor helps.

  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    He is being passive aggressive, and all of his anger is oozing out in non-confrontational but attention seeking ways. I would absolutely ignore it all, and not say a word. By commenting on his immaturity he is getting what he wants - you upset. If you ignore it long enough, he will either work things out on his head, or finally come forward and try and work the real issue out with you.

    The whole food and easy child thing I would have left between him and easy child. That is their deal. In reality he wanted you to get upset over taking the food, and it had nothing to do with easy child. He is just egging you on to get a reaction, and you took the bait.

    About dinner - he did actually make dinner, so I would have said thank you so much. Then if he continued to grumble or growl during dinner - I would say you know I really don't want negative energy while I am eating, so I am taking my dinner into the other room, but thanks you again for making it.

    Don't play his game - be the one that is detached, removed, objective, and not taking the bait. It will stop his passive aggressive dynamics in its tracks, and he will be left forced to deal with the issue at hand. (Or one can hope!)
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    ...Wal Mart has small refrigerators, the dorm-size ones, on clearance right now... easy child might consider getting one... For her room. LOL!

    Seriously, though - it all comes down to - "May I please?" "Sure!" vs *snatch* "HEY!"

  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Steely, you are correct on all points! I need to practice biting my lip some more and let him struggle with it on his own. Thanks.
  10. keista

    keista New Member

    in my opinion this has A LOT to do with his increased stress. He tells you what you want to hear. He tells you what he thinks he's supposed to, BUT he HATES the idea of not being around for him ALL the time - you are messing with the status quo. I'm certain that his has a lot to do with why my husband left when he did. Youngest was going to start school, so I was planning on going to work, even part time, just to be ME. BUT even part time, husband knew he'd have to put in more around the house.

    Anyway, if I were in that argument, it wouldn't have taken so long to escalate. "MY HOUSE!"??????? Excuse me???????????????? Technically it's your Dad's estate's house because YOU refused to do the things you needed to do to make it officially YOUR house. End of discussion.

    And yes I did have a similar argument with my husband. since he was the only one working, he paid for everything, so in his mind it was his. I would point out that he doesn't even know how to change the filter of the A/C or even know where the back up sodas were kept. It did not always shut him up, but it was effective enough for me to not engage his nonsense any further so if he wanted to argue, he had to do it with himself.
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Your H should have asked easy child is he could have some. I'm guessing he wouldn't be happy if someone grabbed something off of his plate? The Golden Rule...no, not the one that says whoever has the gold makes the rules...

    He definitely has some P/A going on.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo, if I am not wrong, I remember you posting an almost eerily similar post this time last year and me replying that Tony was giving me the same sort of hell for not cooking more too...lmao. And here we are in the same position one year later. Guess we didnt fix anything in a year did we?

    If it isnt him being a pain in the rear over your school and outside activities, or him being his own type of difficult child which I think we all are to some extent, or some other sort of thing...I think it also doesnt help the stress of his father and his mother.

    Right now you have a layers upon layers of things that are effecting what is going on with your relationship. This is nothing new. Its just irritating the snot out of you right now. Maybe its our ages. I think you are close to my age. Im getting tired of being told Im the one who should...blank blank blank.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I agree that there is a lot going on. I think if you look at past posts over several years you would see this happens with surprising regularity and while he may work his way out of it for a while, it always seems to pop up that he expects you to cater to him as though he was your responsibility instead of his own responsibility. Not all men are like this.

    in my opinion there is more going on that him being a baby or p-a or territorial. I think, deep down where he probably doesn't admit it to himself, that he is afraid you will get your education, get a better job and leave. So if you are still doing things to take care of him (like he was a toddler) then he thinks you still care. It is not healthy thinking, and maybe is something that you can talk through and get an end to the behavior.

    Quite a few women I know have gone through this. My own father did this when my mother went back to school. She was not NEARLY as nice to him as you are. She flat out said, "you are an adult. Act like one and not a child. Our children don't pull that and I won't tolerate it from you either. I married you for life, till death do us part. I can make that happen earlier if you want." and leaving the room. She was not totally bluffing and did not say it until it had gotten to the point that it was ridiculous. Like me, she NEVER said the word divorce to her husband as a threat. If it came out, she meant that you will either change this NOW and NEVER do it again, or that is it and the kids and I are gone.

    I honestly think that your H thinks that school is going to take you away from him and he is jealous of it as though it is some man you are having an affair with. NOt so much that the actual classes are going to take you away, though he resents the time that you spend on classes instead of on catering to him, but that you will use school to distance yourself from him and then will divorce him when you get a job making more money. I know a lot of couples where this has actually happened, and maybe it is what others are telling H is what you will do.

    I do think the issues with his father's death, you not wanting his mommy to move in, and your knee surgery and the pain/stress from constant pain are a part of why this is bothering you both know.

    I don't understand why it is a problem for easy child to buy some things just for herself. husband and I each have some things that are ours, that we don't share. Not a lot, but we each have a couple of favorites that we don't want to share. For me it is Ben and Jerry's, for husband I get a really expensive baked potato soup that comes frozen and you add milk to it. Yes, our kids love it, but they do just fine with-o and it helps remind them that we are people too, not just parents who's job is to do/be there for kids all the time. If my kids spend money they earned on food, they can put their name on it. Then if it gets eaten by someone else, regardless of how expensive it is, it gets replaced. I guess I see food like a sweater. It is okay to have some that is yours. I pay for the closet but all clothes in the house are not mine to take. I pay for the fridge but they can put food that they like in there just for them and it is to be left alone. Period. Maybe we just are not as territorial?
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    We started putting names on things when Son #2 (aka the human food vacuum) was living with us. That was the only way there was stuff left for school lunches.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Nope, Janet, you're not mistaken. I can't pinpoint the exact times or dates, but I do know it's a cyclical thing, and with the addition of situational stress, it's compounded. But yes, you're correct that we've been here before and yes, it's irritating me to no end that I'm always the one who is expected to either start or finish some THING that someone else is perfectly capable of themselves.

    Susie, you could definitely be on to something. Back when the girlies were little I needed H to be home EVERY OTHER Friday by 5:30 PM so I could make it to class. Don't you know that was the ONE he couldn't possibly tear himself away? Ya. I had to hire a sitter for 30 minutes on those nights. I don't know that he feels I'm going to gain knowledge and leave him, but I know that he gets very annoyed when I know something he doesn't-he's a debater, always trying to prove others wrong and that he knows more. I already make more money than him, wish I had more to show for it, but it's true on paper. On PAPER. In the construction industry, there are ample opportunities for H to make cash money, which doesn't end up on paper. Anyway, thanks, food for thought.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh god...a debater too! Do we live with the same man...or are they twins? LOL. I cant win any argument or I am wrong every time or I cant get the last word. I have forgotten everything and it must be either A: my memory from medicine B: Im getting senile or C: my memory is bad from the meningitis. You know Im still not quite "right"...LOL.
  17. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I am always shocked when a husband says,"go to school. I support you" They have no clue what that means. It's all words. It requires sacrifice and actual taking on of responsibility. That is support. Not words. If they could focus on the goal of a spouse having a job that gives the family more stability maybe they can stop being so immature or whiney. Good luck.
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ya, as long as I still do the food shopping, laundry, clean house, make dinner and an occasional pie, right? Oh yeah, AND put 40 hours in at the office, too...I forgot that part...so I can pay all the utilities, groceries, car loan and extras. Pug-leez.

    This morning, as I was JUST waking up, still foggy headed, h asked me, get ready, "Where are all my clothes?"

    Bahahahaaaaaa! "Um, probably in the hamper, Honey, because it's Saturday morning. Remember? I don't do laundry during the week, but you're welcome to if you like", jeez he's morphing into Al from married with children. Kind of reminds me of Maude's husband. Remember that show? She was strong and independent, he talked a good game, but really he was annoyed that she didn't do the housewife things. Whatever.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo...Tony woke me up this morning...okay, this afternoon because I couldnt fall asleep last night and slept in because I was so tired and in pain, asking me where my space heater was so we could let Cory use it. Im laying here half asleep going...huh? What? The what? When did I last have it? Its what month? LOL.

    I mean seriously I think I probably used it last March. I am laying in bed trying to think while he is stomping through the bathroom and bedroom looking on the counter and in boxes telling me we had to have used it in the bathroom last year and I must have put it somewhere and then he leaves the room. I slowly glance around my room and its sitting on his bedside table!