Oppositional Defiant Disorder in Teenage Girl

[Dunno]

Hi!
I'm new here, and learning quickly. Growing up, my 13 year old daughter was always a little difficult; however, over the past two years, her behaviors have spiraled. She is by far no longer a little difficult. We finally found a name for it (recently) oppositional defiant disorder. Prior to this, we had seen a counselor, but couldn't put a name to the symptoms. Instead, she told me this is simply normal teenage stuff (keep in mind this counselor would only talk to our daughter and would not consider a family modality or talking to us). I initially believed her (last summer- I guess I figured it had been a rough year, and maybe the transition into middle school was influencing it), but my daughters behaviors got continuously worse. She is constantly moody, angry, and the slightest littlest things will set her off (I'm talking something so petty most kids wouldn't even notice). She has a mouth like a trucker (not that me or her father swear often, definitely never to that extent) and is constantly going off at someone (us, grandparents, teachers, friends, the list goes on). If you ask her to do something in the house (such as clean her room) its like the house becomes a battle zone. She is constantly annoyed with her sister, even when her sister isn't interacting with her (for example, if there both in the kitchen together). Yet, in her mind, she is always the victim. Perfect example, earlier today she told her sister to f-off, and I didn't yell, but told her to knock it off and apologize. Somehow she's the victim because she didn't like what her sister was doing (according to my eldest she was acting like a 'baby' and that essentially set her off). But she's always the victim, regardless of the situation. And I think whats worse, is she constantly blames us- we can do no right (it doesn't matter what it is, somehow or another, we did it, even when were not even there!)
So my question is, how does anyone do this. How do your kids with ODD react when told no? What suggestions do you have? I knew the teenage years would be rough (I mean come on, I was young once), but with this, I can't even imagine what I'm going to experience. Its rough, my husband and I are constantly stressed out, awaiting the next battle to erupt.

 

[ksm]

Telling my almost 17yo ODD Difficult Child is like dropping a match to a can of gasoline. She can't take no. No enrages her. No makes her hate me. No makes her hate her life. No makes her hate living with us. No is a cruel joke the world is playing on her.

How dare we utter the word no...

Ksm

 

[KTMom91]

Sounds familiar. We had open warfare for years, and the house still bears some of the scars from that period. So do I. So does my Hubby. And I imagine Miss KT does, too.

I was very alert to the professional victim thing, the slacking off, and the unwillingness to accept responsibility, because that's her father in a nutshell, and I was terrified she would turn out the same way. Looking back, I probably should have been more willing to find a balance in dealing with her, but I am also stubborn and confrontational. That's where she gets it.

I relied heavily on practical consequences. When we got her a cell phone (7th grade), I told her we would replace it ONCE. We did. Then she decided she wanted a new phone, and threw hers off a second floor balcony. Tough tofu. She tore her bedroom door off the hinges and threw it at me. No door. I bought her a bus pass when she started high school. She sold it. She walked. I packed everyone's lunches in the morning. She threw hers in the trash before even leaving the yard. Go hungry. After she got her license, if she was not medication compliant and grades were less than C's, she did not drive. Fortunately, we were in a financial position where I didn't have to work full time, because she needed that supervision throughout high school.

Talk therapy was not successful for us, and depending on the state you live in, she might be able to legally refuse any mental health medication and/or therapy. If I remember correctly, it's age 12 in California. Find out what your rights and responsibilities are in your state, and protect yourself and the rest of the family. Document everything. Stay safe.

 

[Dunno]

Your not kidding, gasoline with matches is the best way to describe the word 'no' at our house. Its like, a total personality shift when she doesn't get her way. And the rage begins. Last summer wasn't particularly bad, but with middle school starting this year, yikes! To think, I thought I had a few more years... The moving out thing OMG totally describes our house. If she doesn't get her way she's moving out. Lol at 12- go figure (total absence of logic there). About two months ago when she was raging, after about an hour of hearing her (I wasn't yelling back, completely calm, and truthfully just trying to ignore it), I finally said if were so bad just go live with someone else. Lol apparently thats not the right answer- it only pissed her off more! lol go figure. I still don't get the victim thing, I mean, if she had a bad life, I could get how they'd get there, but I mean, were pretty much normal (married, were okay financially, have a house, dog, tons of kids junk) so I don't even know how she gets there on that one.
So, I mean, what do you do about it? I tried two counselors thus far. The first one said its just normal behavior-hahaha what a joke. The second one said she wasn't trained to work with this-lovely. What about medications, what experiences have you guys had? Are they effective in terms of reducing the symptoms?

 

[Dunno]

KTM Mom- wow. That never even occurred to me that they could refuse help at that age. Yikes! Who thought that was a good idea. So I have to ask, how old is your daughter now? Did it get easier? How'd she turn out? Those have pretty much become my biggest concerns long-term

 

[KTMom91]

She'll be 26 this year. For the most part, it did get better, but there are still moments. Thanks to her grandfather, who set up a trust for her college, she was able to go away to school, and chose to move to another state. She graduated, got married, has a good job...but when it comes to me, I don't know, it's strange. On one hand, she calls almost every day, we send each other stuff on Facebook, but when we visited last summer, I was in pretty bad shape, fighting chronic pain and other health issues, and she was an inconsiderate butthead the entire time.

 

[cindygirl]

I remember this stage. Our two girls are ADHD and ODD. Our eldest is now 24 and still struggles with limitations and impulse control. Natural consequences are the only things that seem to sink in, but 13 years olds need structure and rules. Limits should flow organically not be draconian. If she can't cooperate with her sister in the kitchen then she can be left to do the chore herself. She will still see herself as the victim but others are not harassed to the point of feeling like they are being punished for getting in her sights. If you try to place too many restrictions on her then the rebellion begins. Watch her interactions with her peers. I know looking back that our eldest started hanging out with kids outside of our home whose parents weren't home a lot of the time and they were drinking and drugging when she wasn't in our presence. Your job as a parent is to keep her from doing anything so stupid there is no coming back from it. A part time job and responsibility means she can earn her own money and keep her engaged in an activities where she is subject to rules that aren't imposed by you. If she wants cell phones let her purchase her own, that way she will learn that she needs to be careful with her things because there is a cost. Try to find activities outside of the home that keep her busy and engaged but not really frustrating. Yoga and meditation may help her to calm her mind. I know it is hard but don't compare her to others and point out she isn't measuring up. My oldest moved in and out of the house with regularity for years starting at the age of 16. the law says she can leave and come home until she is 18 and we can't block her. If you decide to go the medical root make sure it is slow acting and non addictive. A lot of the medications act as a platform to other drugs. That way lay madness. Now all you can really do is hold on and survive No teenager is fun, but this is a challenge even for the best parents. Make time for timeouts (for you) and don't be afraid to walk away rather than engage in a protracted battle. ODD children know just what buttons to push to get us from 1-100 in 30 seconds. (funny it calls me a new member but I have been on this rollercoaster since 2004)