Other shoe dropped

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nancy, Jul 24, 2010.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Found out difficult child has been drinking massive amounts the past two weeks. She has a new gang of guys to hang with every night and she either doesn't come home or comes in at 3-4 in the morning. Last night after work she went to their place and came home at 4:15 this morning. About a half hour ago she got up, walked int he hallway and urinated on the carpet. She was so out of it she didn't know where she was. I got her cell and read the texts and she said to one of the guys she thinks she's an alcoholic. Her boyfriend broke up with her a couple weeks ago and she said she's been drinking ever since.

    We have a family reunion to go to today which we can't go to. I have had no sleep and cried all night.

    I want to give difficult child two alternatives, leave with the clothes on her back today or go into rehab. husband wants to think about it. We just had a huge fight because I'm through thinking. He won't take any action and this is getting worse and worse. I'm getting desperate.

  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE


    So the honeymoon didn't even last one day?


  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    You were right to not believe a word out of her mouth.
    I can't imagine husband wants to continue this nightmare. I'm sure he is thinking of all the angles as a methodical thinker tends to do but I'm with you.
    What you and husband is doing(which is everything) isn't working. She is going to get herself killed or be a fall down alcoholic. Does husband really want to go through thinking your difficult child is going to be owned by some pimp? The pattern will continue.
    I'm so sorry Nancy. I know husband is trying to understand what is going to be the best for difficult child and your family but you definitely have reason to want it to be over.
  4. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Oh, Nancy, I'd be through thinking if I were you, too. Your husband is in denial. I pray she chooses rehab. Hang in there.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    After many phone calls I just made an appointment for 3pm today at a drug/alcohol treatment center for an assessment. Wish me luck that we can get her there.

  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sending good thoughts, Nancy.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh Nancy I am so sorry. It is good you found out so quickly as awful as it is.

    I hope your husband can get on the same page as you soon.

    My recommendation if she says she won't go is to say ok then we will drive you to a homeless shelter but you can't live here like this. If she won't leave your house you can call the police.

    Man I feel for you and for your husband. This is so darned hard especiially after all you have recently been through.

    The hard fact is she will keep behaving this way until she wants to stop. Protecting her for these really bad consequences is not going to help her to want to stop. Hopefully in rehab they can get her to see that these choices are not getting her anywhere in life.

    I think that is the hardest part of being a parent of a child who has substance abuse problems (or other problems too) is that as a parent we want to protect them, keep them safe and yet we can't. The sooner they face the terrible consequences they might face if they don't stop the better.

    I hope she will go with you willingly this afternoon.
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Sending goooood thoughts and prayers that she goes....this would be a very good thing!
    Special thoughts for you and husband as well.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry she could not even follow the rules that she agreed to for 24 hours. She certainly does show a lot of signs of alcoholism, at least from what you have said.

    I understand wanting her out of your home immediately. Hopefully husband can realize that it is the right thing to do and to realize that she will not ever be able to become sober and staysober if she does not hit bottom first. Would you be willing to let difficult child stay for the weekend IF husband was to go to an alanon meeting a day for the weekend? A few meetings might help him to see that letting her stay is not helping her.

    If this is not tolerable, do whatever you feel you need to do. Often we give in when a spouse doesn't like what we think needs to happen. Only you can tell if that is what needs to happen now, or if it is time to take a stand and insist that husband give in and do it "your" way. Whatever happens, we are here to support you.

    If husband won't go to alanon or narcanon, go without him. It also might be helpful to watch some episodes of Intervention. There are a lot of episodes available online at www.aetv.com. Be sure that you watch the follow up clips - many of the people who said they hated their loved ones end up thanking them and telling them that they did the right thing.
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Susie difficult child watches intervention all the time. I have seen several episodes. I am very familar with al-anon as my father is a recovered alcoholic. I don't think one or two meetings will convinced husband. I think where is he at right now is he believes nothing will help difficult child, she was born with these genes and nothing is going to change it therefore why keep trying. Evidently he is willing to live out the last part of his life like this but I'm not.

    I'm hoping that since difficult child is really interested in the intervention show she will be receptive to it.

  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I am sending my supportive thoughts and full understanding of the alcohol issue. Sometimes a stay in rehab can allow a separation from peers and time to actually do some soul searching. As you may recall we have used three rehab centers with easy child/difficult child and learned (sadly) about the process. There is a big difference in the methods and rules used by various centers. My one suggestion is choose wisely but don't expect them "to cure her". She has to put some effort into the process in order to benefit. Our easy child/difficult child did learn to avoid heavy drugs but after ten years is still a diagnosed alcoholic. He knows what he has to do to choose the recovery path but he is not willing to take the steps. One more thing to be aware of is that some major insurance companies will cut off funding once your child is sober. Yeppers....if the staff report says they are no longer drinking sometimes that means discharge. It
    is a precariuous road. Had we been able to afford it we would have opted for a direct move to a stepdown program with no visit home in between programs. Six weeks is not enough.

    I'm praying for you today and hoping that all goes well. When you are on the same page with your husband it is a whole
    lot easier. Fingers crossed. DDD
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Saying prayers that all goes well today, Nancy. Many hugs.
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Please let us know how it goes, Nancy. I'm sorry that she is so out of it. I hope that your husband will get on the same page.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy...Im so sorry I have been mia for so much of this. I really think she is self medicating and this is a big downward spiral. Hopefully you got her in some place she will get help. I have such hope for you guys.
  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you for all your supoort. I felt it today. I went from the depths of despair to action to find help.

    She slept til 1:30. When she woke up we told her that we asked how she felt and if she remembered what she did last night. When we told her about urinating on the carpet she said she thought she dreamed that. We told her we loved her but that she had a problem and needed help and we made an appointment for 3 pm and we would be leaving in 30 minutes so she should get cleaned up. Thankfully she didn't argue much.

    Although she thought it was a therapy appointment she soon found out it was an assessment. The goal was to determine if she needed inpatient detox or outpatient. It was decided she did not need detox so they put her in the outpatient rehab starting Monday. Five days a week 10-3. She will be evaluated and be seen by a psychiatrist by the second day. The length of time depends on insurance coverage. Isn't that a shame. I'm afraid when they call our insurance nothing will be covered but we will pay out of pocket.

    When we left we asked her if she was willing to work the program and she said yes. She seemed relieved that it was finally out in the open. She asked if we could go eat somewhere and we actually had a decent time. She said she wants to clean up and move on with her life. I am trying not to be too optimistic but at least she is going.

    I am angry with husband. I was on the computer at 6am trying to find a treatment center and on the phone by 8am. He was still in bed thinking about it I guess. I am convinced if I hadn't done this she would be going out drinking again tonight and no progress would have been made. I feel like he just doesn't know what to do to help and I can't stand to do nothing.

    Last edited: Jul 24, 2010
  16. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Nancy, I know my husband got to the point of being disgusted. He felt he spent enough to send this child to an Ivy league college for a minimium wage job. Heck any job. husband shut down and really was only superficially involved for a while. He was burnt out. I go through periods of being distant but I am with him all day and I see a life wasted so I keep looking and searching for something that will give difficult child what he needs. I refuse to think that how it is is good enough. I know that is how you feel too.
    My fingers are crossed that your difficult child goes 3 days in a row before she bolts. They have good intentions but their follow through stinks.
    I won't give up that I will have a home/life that isn't totally about difficult child and his needs.
  17. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Nancy, I'm so sorry that all this is happening. We had difficult child 1 attend an outpatient rehab program when he came home from college on drugs and alcohol. He did attend all the sessions and I think he did learn from it. I think it helped him choose a different road for at least a while. He still doesn't see himself as 'an alcoholic' and isn't totally sober, but he's clean, as far as we know, and he's functioning and holding a job. So ... I hope so much that your difficult child will go through the entire program and let enough information flow her way to start changing some of her thinking. It may take more than one rehab program, but one is a start. Sending hugs and support. I wish your husband were more on board - been there done that - but he may benefit from family sessions in the outpatient program, if they include them. Stay strong ...
  18. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    Sorry, Nancy.

    I know you love your difficult child very much and have always (and still) wanted the best for her. It makes me want to shake her until her teeth rattle (my grandma's words).

    You and your whole family are in my thoughts.

  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Fran I think my husband is where yours was. He has convinced himself that after all the years of therapy and programs nothing helped and nothing ever will and so he can't even think in those terms. So he just goes on resigned to the fact that our life is the way it is and then we die. I can't do that. Hopefully he will come around like yours has, but in the meantime it's lonely being the one who has to come up with all the plans.

  20. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Nancy, like you, I refuse to have my life go down with the ship. I am sorry for difficult child and I do want to do everything I can but I am having a life and a home that is not always in chaos.
    I hope your husband gets away from the mentality that we will bear this cross. It's not a life. Give him some time.
    One of the challenges I put out there was if husband didn't want to work on my plan then he had to come up with an alternative. It's easy to turn down something. It's darn hard work to come up with one. He didn't really come up with a plan but he was more cooperative with mine but I did give him time to sort of recharge.
    I'm sure your husband will come around. He is so devoted to his girls that he will once again see that he has to do something especially if he sees her becoming more of an alcoholic.