worst-spanking because I was hurting my children, using my size and power to try to control them, and teaching them the wrong things(that hitting is okay if you are bigger).
best-mmmm, i'll let you know when i figure that one out. you may have to wait awhile :wink: . but so far, 1-2-3 magic, and consistency (say it, mean it, do it!). always following thru on what i say. and removing things/priveleges directly related to the action ie., if difficult child hits me with a toy, that toy is taken away.
I suppose my answeres would vary depending on which child and what the behavior needed adjusting. Every situation and child needs different parenting. I do think that consistancy and following through on you threats is most important.
Least effective...waiting for the fairy godmother to swoop in, way her wond and make the word wonderful lol
Spanking was the worst. But I was young and had always heard "spare the rod..." and when my kid didn't respond, I felt like maybe I didn't spank enough, or hard enough, to get the message through to her. So I tried being more consistent, spanking hard for every little infraction... when it got to the point where she was getting six to ten hard spankings a day and still wasn't behaving, finally it dawned on me "hey, I don't think this is working." I regret terribly having put her through all that... I just didn't know what else to do and of course spanking more was all the advice I ever got from my family.
Yelling and lecturing would be the second and third place runners-up for worst.
The best parenting technique I ever used was to just remember to be loving. Sometimes that kind of got lost amongst all the frustration and anger and applying of consequences.
And humor... I think being able to laugh together is the secret to why the kid and I have a decent relationship to this day.
Worst: anything that frightened them or made them afraid of me (dad is very guilty of this). It's hard enough to "reach" kids like this & bring out a rational response from them. In my experience they become extremely irrational when acting out, and screaming, smacking, or meanly lecturing just makes them tune me out and raise their anxiety level.
We are trying VERY hard to use humor, openness, letting them "cool off" enough to be rational (ie, postpone the "discussion" of "what you did"). Sometimes kneeling down & making a sad face at my three year old & opening my arms up for a hug melts him and then I can deal with him. Then he knows I'm sad about whatever happened, not furious. Confrontation is useless in our house. I go for speaking softly.
"They will only calm down when you do" is our motto.
By far the worst was spanking... only made them angrier,then standing in the corner... because we had to stand there with them, and sending them to thier room ...primarily because they would just go to play, sleep, or younger difficult child would isolate.
Hummm, what works...still testing.
Had a woozie of an experience today. I asked "what" and validated their right to feel,offered possible choices they might want to consider, praised what little good I could find. I did not ask them the "why's"...today it worked. Don't know tomorrow. Oh, and addressing the behavior not the child.
I love them and their pain is overwhelming at times. I know I can't Fix It though...only help them work through it...it is exhausting work when they start peddling one after another...and younger difficult child's school councelor is starting to show some wear...
Another one for spanking here.I was always saying "I'll only spank if it's a major situation (running into the streets etc....)" I didn't actually think that I'd have a difficult child who would have "major situations" all the time. Although I still rarely spanked, I still feel really bad.
The best I guess so far would be the hug. It's the only thing that seems to have any type of effect on her.
Best: Stumbling across the Voucher System, implementing it, sticking with it until it was no longer needed. Reading enough until I finally could put "it" all together, i.e., mental age does not = actual age, etc. Primarily setting realistic expectations and being consistent. (Still not always 100% successful with-that. lol)
Worst - thinking I could break my son into submission with consequences whether natural,
punishments or even using rewards , charts etc back -end approach
a learning type of discipline,front -end approach teching thinking skills,flexibility,empathy and compromise etc
especially when you appreciate that the word discipline comes from the Latin to teach and hence the word disciple. In many cases the kids lack skills,have short fuses or need medications , so even knowing the kid's currency and really motivating the kid won't help, its like reading or typing it depends on learning skills, as Dr Greene has said Kids will do if they can. The basket approach and the collaborative problem solving techniques
found in the book the Explosive child are methods that teach the kid do what is right