Please Help, I'm So Lost...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WiscKaren, Jan 14, 2008.

  1. WiscKaren

    WiscKaren New Member

    Hello. My name is Karen and I'm a new member of this forum. I found it last night but couldn't post due to the tears rolling down my eyes as I have felt so all alone in this journey, until I started reading your postings.

    To begin, I have a 23 year old son who has been involved in drugs and alcohol since the age of 12. He has been in and out of jail, been put in the psychiatric ward, has almost died numerous times due to his usage, has lost his driver's liscence I don't know how many times....etc. etc. After paying off $3,000 in fines last year so he could get his liscence back (at that time, he had been drug/alcohol free for a year, but we now think he is back using), he said, "You don't do anything for me. I want nothing to do with you." We have been estranged since. He is also a felon, I should add. Prior to him becoming an adult, we tried and tried to get him help through the court system, but nothing. I guess after 11 years of this, we have detached from him.

    But our current problem is our daughter, age 26. Great kid, honor student, full-time employed, very reliable and responsible...until this past few months. She met a guy who we thought was "wonderful", got pregnant (she never wanted children so this was a complete surprise), gave birth in October to a beautiful son. Three weeks after this, we got a call that her and her boyfriend were being raided (they rent our other house). Both of them are being charged with drug possession with intent to sell, running a drug trafficking house. Her boyfriend remains in jail (prior felon, but we wanted to believe him that he had changed -- duh!) and she is out on bond.

    We are just sick, sick, sick over this turn of events. Our little girl has went astray. We paid for her attorney, thinking she was not involved in this mess and that she would want out of this mess for her son. How wrong we were! She is doing everything to protect her boyfriend. She thinks when he is released that "life will be wonderful again and we will be a real family as he will never, ever do anything wrong again". Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall right now because she says we don't understand anything. We are devastated.

    She still has custody of her son, but if she goes to jail, I'm sure hubby and I will get him.

    I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm just so lost and need some consoling words I guess. I work full-time, but all I do is sit in my office, sick to my stomach, and tears come so easily. I don't know what to do...

  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I'm so sorry for what you must be feeling. Sending gentle hugs and support. Keep posting if it makes you feel better. Hugs~
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi and Welcome,

    Wow - sounds like you've been through the wringer and you've been hung out to dry. Not the way we usually think we're going to end up as the parents of children.

    You said that you are detaching - and I make that (yeaahhhhh sound and squint my eyes, twist my mouth) not really. But that's okay for now. You've done what you thought was an appropriate action at the time, and now there is an innocent little life (a new playing card) to contend with. It would be my guess that the child is going to be a bargaining chip in the future. Are you prepared for THAT scenario?

    I don't know anyone that could be prepared for that. But there are things you can do to help yourself. KNOW that you have done everything you could to raise your children despite their shortcomings. Tell yourself you did a good job even if on the most basic level at this point - tell yourself they are alive. They are at their ages adults. She will always be your little girl, but she's 26 - she made choices. I can tell you from my own heart - I had great parents and made totally idiotic choices in a husband, life and on and on. I got out - got help and moved on with my life and my sons. He's 17 he still chooses to live life without having his head up his butt.

    If you are prepared to take your grandson - talk to some of the people here who are raising their grandkids - to me it's like having a child to raise with the most ridiculous of conditions placed on you by the parents (your difficult child's) and I don't know that I could do it. I would also highly recommend some individual counseling for you. It helps - it's not anything to be embarrassed about, rather it's a FANTASTIC way to tell your kids you care. You care enough about them - that you are going to get yourself to a place where their antics don't hurt you so badly and really REALLY learn the fine art of detaching.

    Come here often - we're great listeners and an amazing group.

    Hugs - YOU ARE NOT ALONE - you will be amazed to see how not alone you are. Grandson and all -

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I dont know what else to tell you except to get on with your own life. If our kids make horrible choices as adults, we can't do anything about it (and in my opinion shouldn't help financially).
    I'm in mid-Wisconsin. I hope you enjoy the board.
  5. WiscKaren

    WiscKaren New Member

    Thank you everyone. Just having this board makes me feel not so all alone in this journey. I'm reading more postings right now and the tears are flowing endlessly.....

    It may take me awhile to post replies. But I will. But for right now, I need to get my feet back on the ground.

  6. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Do what you need to do for you, post when you can. No biggie. But do still come here and read. If nothing else, I think it helps just knowing you're not alone.

    Personally, husband and I know and have accepted (me more so than husband but that's a whole other post) the fact that our son will probably be in jail at some point and probably frequently. Knowing though and actually being at that point are two totally different things. I'm sure I'll be a mess in one way or another when that day comes. But even though my mommyheart may not agree, in my head I know that we have and still are doing all we can to prevent it. At some point you just have to realize that you did all you can do and they make their own choices. It's not just the kids with rotten parents and no opportunities that do stupid things. It's also the ones with stable home lives, love and many opportunites that thumb their nose at rules and laws and wind up in bad places.

    You're not alone and you've found a wonderful place to vent and be supported. Welcome!
  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen


    As others have said, this is a 'soft place to land.' Not everyone has been in the same situaion, but they've had enough experience to give some good advice.

    Tossing a baby into the mix is another that I (fortunately) can't speak of. (fingers quadruplaly crossed at this point)

    You'll get some great advice here. Some of it might be quite blunt, but necessary. It's hard to hear what needs to be done.

    Keep checking in.

  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    On the plus side your daughter has years and years of easy child behavior to draw from. She knows success.
    I can imagine what a shock this is and how devastating it has been. Your daughter may be on wrong path but you do not have to go down with her ship. Love her, support her efforts to do right and hold her accountable for the trouble she brings on her head.

    Giving the baby a stable home is a gift not many difficult child mom's have. You are really helping that little guy out. Try to not get sucked into her drama. Hopefully at some point she will see what she has thrown away and try to come back.

    There are more than one mom here who had to watch their beloved child hit rock bottom before they saw them start to come out of the self destructive spiral.

    Welcome to our wild and terrifying world. You can get through this.
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Your daughter was on a good path prior to this boy friend. Let's hope she opens her eyes soon and sees that her son deserves parents who are headed on a different path than the one her boyfriend seems to be choosing.

    Sometimes it takes awhile for reality to set in, even with women much older than your daughter. However, reality does set in for many. Let's just hope her reality sets in before it is too late.

    It sounds like you did a very good job of raising your daughter. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself for her choices at this stage of her life. As for your son, you did what you could, helped him as much as you could. Again, the blame lies with him and his addictions, not with you.

    Many hugs! We're here when you need us.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I have NO idea where my manners are.

    You have been sent a CD Board gift basket -

    It comes with

    4 boxes of kleenex
    A tree to plant because well I always give trees as gifts
    1 bottle of wine (any more than that and we'd all help you drink)
    A pair of binoculars for when the eyes in the back of your head quit working
    A periscope so you can be down, and check to see if its safe to come up
    Rose colored glasses with the lenses missing to see clearly
    Some type of farting, laughing cat video.
    Some home made chicken soup, vitamins
    Oil of olay face cream to help with wrinkles from scowls
    A support team (but not a support bra you are on your own there)
    Some great friends who understand
    Some odd friends that will make you laugh
    A feather - to tickle your fancy on bad days

    And an untold amount of years of advice and last but not least
    Love and understanding

    yup and all of that fits into the basket - which you can use on days to crawl into an imitate a basket case.
  11. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Star, you never cease to amaze me. I'm dying laughing at your post. Sorry to laugh at someone else's pain, but sometimes you need to laugh in order to get through the day.

    This board will get you through the worst and best of times.

    Now...where is MY gift basket??? :scared:

  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hey, Star, I didn't get a basket!

    Ok, enuff about me.

    Welcome Karen! I am not in your position, just popped over here to see what is going on. I can offer hugs and a shoulder to cry on or laugh at or whatever YOU need.

    Hugs, honey!

  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    LOL, Star! You are hilarious! Love your posts.