please help me... difficult child may be going back into the "system" and doesn't seem to care

[tara w]

hi everyone...
i haven't posted in a long time... although much has been happening with difficult child. after stealing his father's ATM card (and $50) and his grandmother's car, difficult child's father had to press charges and help this dangerous behavior. difficult child was sent to a juvenile facilty for 3 weeks- would've been longer, but health problems allowed him to be discharged.

things SEEMED to be better- he was on house arrest, but making better choices. then he had a "hot" urine. back to juvey for a six week stint. this time, difficult child was moved to 3 different facilities and never received an actual placement.

due to a psychiatric evaluation- the "system" was deemed to be a poor placement (due to foster care/abuse issues) and difficult child was sent home on informal house arrest (no ankle bracelet). actually difficult child and his father now live with me (the aunt).

when i say 100% turn-around... i'm not lying. then we hit a wall. difficult child and his dad have been receiving some pretty intense therapy which will include neuro feedback. unfortunately, 2 weeks ago, during a session, difficult child learned some pretty distrubinfg stuff about his past- born in jail, left in a toilet, mother tried to sell him. before this happened, difficult child was ONE WEEK away from returning to court to finally get a curfew (and some freedom).

this past friday, he violated probation by going out at 1:00 a.m. now, instead of coming home and "taking the heat" from his father, he concocted an absurd story about being abducted. he decided to call 911 with this story and ended up at the station.

tomorrow, probation will come and make a decision about what will happen to difficult child. i'm at a loss. his father is on the verge of a heart-attack, and difficult child seems totally UNAFFECTED. he will be facing charges for filing a false report, and NOTHING i can do, or NO ONE that i know can help him.

to tell u the truth, i don't even know if he WANTS to be helped. i'm afraid that if he goes back into the system, he's gonna give up. on the other hand, if he stays out, it's/he's going to get worse.

has anyone been through something like this?
if yes, what did you do?

 

[TerryJ2]

I don't think, from your description, that he's capable of knowing what exactly help is.
You said he learned some painful things, such as his bmom giving birth and leaving him in a toilet--that would affect anyone. He's going to need a long time to process that. It's beyond abandonment, it's insulting and degrading.
Since you said that at one point there was a 100%; turnaround, that indicates to me that he can be helped.
What happened at that point that made him improve so much? THAT's what you need to focus on.
Best of luck.
Many cyber {{hugs}}.

 

[Sara PA]

Great timing on his getting that information. He got this information during a session conducted by a professional? Was someone trying to sabotage him?

I don't think it's unreasonable for a teenager to not care about what happens to him for a period of time after getting information like that. It's quite a blow to his self esteem. Even the story about being abducted -- someone wanted him in his story.

He's had quite a psychological trauma. I would hope that the adults who have to deal with him take that into consideration.

 

[prescottsunshine]

First, let me say how brave you were to adopt this child and care for him the way you have, how lucky he is to have you. My family had similar experience with my brother starting when he was very young. It was before there was protection for ED kiddo's at school and he was kicked out of school by the time he was in first grade. It just got worse after that and he continued to struggle with the law. He was in different placement facilities in teen years and never finished high school. Part of the problem was he never received any help or support for his emotional disability and part of the problem was our mother got very sick for many years and then died when he was 9 (abandonement issues and a lot of anger). Unfortunately, he ended up in prison for drug trafficking when he was 19 and spend 6 years in. Since he was released, he has been in and out due to continued drug use but this last time, he has really committed to cleaning up and taking care of his daughter. He is now 31 and is a perfectly charming, artistic and loving person. My wish is he stays sober and clean and continues to be there for his sweet daughter. I only tell you this because I understand how difficult it is when people you care about choose the wrong path in our eyes. I can't stand the thought of my son getting in trouble with the law and getting into drugs. But if he chooses that path, I hope I will be strong enough to be there for him and never give up. There is always hope....

Peace

 

[BusynMember]

I wonder why the "professionals" had a need to tell him that information. Did he EVER need to know it? Way To Go to our "professionals."
I think many abandoned kids, adopted later in life have trouble feeling worthwhile, many don't understand love and don't want it. However, it sounds like this young man was making progress until he was given the gruesome details of his birth.
I wish I had more advice for you. If I were you I'd want to wring the neck of the idiot who gave him that untimely information. That is something that he NEVER EVER EVER needed to know! That gets me mad!

 

[klmno]

Yeah, I was going to suggest that his counselor either write a letter to be presented in court, or better yet, come to testify about the psychological impact and difficult child's behavior as a result. But if the ding-dong understood that much, this situation wouldn't have happened to begin with. Still, maybe you can get a couple of people to testify about the sequence of events. Can you contact the defense attny real soon and be getting them involved- maybe he could supbeona someone who could help the situation. In the meantime, how quick can you get another counselor to replace ding-dong?

 

[mom_in_training]

"difficult child learned some pretty distrubinfg stuff about his past- born in jail, left in a toilet, mother tried to sell him."

MidwestMom, I was thinking the same thing. Geeze you know sometimes things are better left unsaid. What exactly was the point of this person telling him all of this for? If anything he or she just created more damage to a child that is already having issues. Not cool at any age to be told what he was told. At his age I would imagine with the maturing (Hormonal) thats going on just how devastating he was to hear that he as an infant was basically left to die (Dumped in a toilet) at the hands of a female with a uterus that I would never even consider a Mom. I am deeply saddened for this difficult child . If any of us were told something of this nature, How do you think we would react if we were in our teen years? To be honest I would think that we would not care much about the outcome of anything when all we can think about is how worthless of a human being we are. (More then likely this could be what he is thinking) How devastating!! I can only advise the same as above, Ring the neck of the person that for whatever reason decided to put these very gory details of his birth in his head. What an ugly thought as a 15 year old boy to have in his head. I'm sure his head is spinning with these ugly thoughts. This person did more damage then she or he even knows. I am sooooo sorry. Just the thought of what this female did to this child as a newborn has me in tears.

 

[timer lady]

Geeez.....there are some things just left unsaid. There are details my tweedles will never learn from me. Not necessary, not healthy, in fact, in my humble opinion, downright detrimental to their fragile psyche's.

In your difficult children case that information was the same. And you cannot go back & undo it. Common sense tells me that difficult child needs to know how important he is to the others in his life. The ones who have stepped in to parent him. And it needs to become a broken record.

Because biomom made some insulting, degrading & horrendous decisions is on her - not difficult child. Whatever the basis of her decisions it's not right - difficult child must know that.

Know that we're here to listen.

 

[susiestar]

What kind of professional told a fragile 15yo that kind of stuff?????? My heart breaks for him! I would have the therapist in court to testify that difficult child was told this, and a few other docs to say how damaging that info was/is to him.

I would get copies of the session notes and start legal proceedings against this quack. NOT so much because the $$ is important, but because fighting this fight would be one way you could show difficult child how much he matters to you - he matters enough for you to fight for him!

The court somehow needs to increase supervision (ankle bracelet?? intensive therapy, psychiatric hospital or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) just to help him work through this??) but needs to understand how much this info would hurt. And how it owuld lead a 15yo to not care, simply because it hurts so much.

I vote we get the CDBoard posse to go wring the quack's neck.

I am so sorry. Some people should never be allowed around our fragile difficult children - and it is usually too late to stop the damage bythe time you know they are "those people".

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm so sorry-as others have said there was no need for him to know that info.

I'm with Susie on the posse!

Gentle hugs.

 

[tara w]

thanks everyone for your good thoughts.

on a good note.. the therapist offered to talk to the PO and explain that detention doesn't work for my nephew.

i wish i knew if that phone call occurred because as of today- probation has not stopped by to alert my nephew (or us) of what's happening. monday, the PO called to say he wouldn't make it because he had an "emergency," but promised to come yesterday. yesterday came and went without a phone call or visit. If his PO is supposed to see him a designated # of times /week and he (PO) is not meeting that quota, isn't there something to be said for that???

 

[Sara PA]

The same therapist who told your nephew all those horrible things about his birth just a week before he was suppose to go to court to get off some of his restrictions offered to say that detention doesn't work for your nephew? Did he offer to say that he provided the child with information that anyone with any intelligence at all would know would severely upset the child and is likely the cause of his running off? We call that taking responsibility for one's actions. The therapist's allowing the child to suffer because of the therapist's poor judgement and timing but offering to say something else -- detention doesn't work -- as a trade off for admitting his own mistakes isn't exactly taking responsibility for his poor professional choices. And doing it at the child's expense is morally bankrupt. In fact, telling the PO what he proposes to tell without explaining why your nephew had his setback very well might work against your nephew. The justice system just might see that as a challenge and decide to detain the boy just to show him who's boss.

 

[amazeofgrace]

I wish I had words of advice, I am, sadly in the same boat with difficult child I, literally I wish he were back in the system some days, like today specifically, the drama of it all burns you out but difficult child's seem to thrive on it