Please help
- Thread starter Shan
- Start date
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Maybe your husband thinks you're the problem. He sounds very arrogant, maybe narcissistic? I don't know. We are the Warrior Moms and you just joined us and we know that he is gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem and he's doing such a good job of making up reasons why you are to blame that you believe it. Trust me, I have been there. In my family of origin I was was also always blamed for everything so I just believed every bad thing that happened and every criticism I received was true. But I learned and so can you...you are valuable, worth loving, and deserving of a good rest-of-your-life. And you can make that happen. Glad you're going for help!!! ^5!!!
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
It wont. For any family to function properly, both parents MUST support each other even when they don't agree.
As for how you are being treated, I will leave most of that conversation up to MWM and the others on this board who have more experience than I do on this but I will say that if ANYONE were to treat my sisters in this manner there would be......consequences.
Thank you. Yes he does twist it to where I wonder if it is my fault. I have therapy appointment Thursday . Went to my primary doctor today and he said he has seen a vast improvement in my over all help. He feels I'm pm medication bc of situations . Said I looked good wS not shaking or had terrified look in my eyes. When I got home my husband asked about it I told him what he said . Then all of a sudden he started picking fight. About have I seen my 21 year old apartment and it's disgusting and why when I go down there I don't not pick at him like I do the 18 yr old bc I told him to keep his bathroom clean. I was so proud of myself I said I don't understand why you are picking a fight. He said just answer why does his little apartment down stairs bug you . I finally said bc I don't go down there. Finally I said I removing myself from this I won't fight with you period but he def did not get reaction he wanted.
Shan, I have found that over time with close dysfunctional family dynamics we begin what I call a script. It is a dialogue that is completely circular, doesn't have any solution or positive outcome it is simply a way for one or both parties to let off steam or throw their negative energy outward as opposed to having it sit within them. You are likely the "catcher" the one all the negativity gets volleyed to. You've likely played this script with your husband and your kids.
What the catcher usually doesn't recognize is that you have all the power. Simply stop catching the nonsense. Stop playing your role in the script. Once you effectively do that, as you've done tonight with your husband, they may up the ante to engage you by doing even more outrageous tactics, but I have found that "refraining" works. Step away. Do not engage. It has been said that when you engage with "crazy" you too become crazy. Don't engage. That is setting a boundary by stating you will not play this destructive game where it is intended to belittle you, blame you, manipulate you, make you feel small........all so the "other" can feel the glow of being 'better than'........It is a game, it's a win/lose, it has a name, it is called "gotcha." Step out of the script. Changing how we respond changes everything.
What the catcher usually doesn't recognize is that you have all the power. Simply stop catching the nonsense. Stop playing your role in the script. Once you effectively do that, as you've done tonight with your husband, they may up the ante to engage you by doing even more outrageous tactics, but I have found that "refraining" works. Step away. Do not engage. It has been said that when you engage with "crazy" you too become crazy. Don't engage. That is setting a boundary by stating you will not play this destructive game where it is intended to belittle you, blame you, manipulate you, make you feel small........all so the "other" can feel the glow of being 'better than'........It is a game, it's a win/lose, it has a name, it is called "gotcha." Step out of the script. Changing how we respond changes everything.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
You'll find that if you don't fight with a dysfunctional person, you take the wind out of their sails. With my difficult child if he is intent on causing a fight, I am learning to give him a response that does not give him the option of exploding against me.
Him: Why did you say such a stupid thing?
Me: I have to go and hope we can talk again when we are both calm (get off phone)
If my husband asked me about my therapy appointments, I'd have probably said, "That is private. You chose not to come."
Him: (screaming) What do you mean it's private? We're married. Blah, blah, blah.
Me: (leaving room or repeating what I said the first time in a very calm voice) I'm going to take a shower now. (Then do it)
This works so much better than feeding the monkey, so to speak. But you have to stay calm and in control. In time, they really might stop, as my son has, because they are not getting us upset or having an opening to explode, which is what their goal is.
Him: Why did you say such a stupid thing?
Me: I have to go and hope we can talk again when we are both calm (get off phone)
If my husband asked me about my therapy appointments, I'd have probably said, "That is private. You chose not to come."
Him: (screaming) What do you mean it's private? We're married. Blah, blah, blah.
Me: (leaving room or repeating what I said the first time in a very calm voice) I'm going to take a shower now. (Then do it)
This works so much better than feeding the monkey, so to speak. But you have to stay calm and in control. In time, they really might stop, as my son has, because they are not getting us upset or having an opening to explode, which is what their goal is.
Albatross
Well-Known Member
I think this is wonderful, that you changed the dynamics of the interaction and kept your boundaries in place. These are hard changes to make, Shan. Nice job! Keep us posted on how it goes Thursday.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Welcome, Shan.
I am glad you are here with us.
The opportunity to tell our stories and receive validation changes everything. I remember how freeing it was for me, when I learned the term "gaslighting."
I couldn't believe there could be a word for what had happened to me.
The existence of that word, the fact that these kinds of things had happened to other people enough that someone had actually come up with a term to describe it meant that I was not flawed or inept or stupid, after all.
You could have blown me over with a feather.
And that is how light and free I felt, too, when I first learned that term.
Gaslighting.
If you google that term, you will understand more about what is happening to you, I think.
It may be that you suffer from depression because your husband has a vested interest in making you think you are crazy.
In a way, you are living like a prisoner of war who has been brainwashed, over time, into believing all kinds of terrible things about himself, when the truth is that prisoners do not have the freedom even to be themselves.
Those words are very cruel words. They are a perfect example of something called "global condemnation." The intent behind communications of this nature is to sabotage and destroy the victim from the heart out.
I am sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve to be hurt and torn into this way.
No one deserves it.
But you are here with us now, and things will begin to look very different to you, soon enough.
Yes.
I agree.
Sadism.
Vicious.
Yes!
:O)
But you are here with us, now.
Cedar
This is how a real man sees a woman.
As a living, breathing, very real person who merits cherishing and protection.
I think your husband cannot do that, Shan.
He cannot see you.
I could be a thousand kinds of wrong here, but as you begin reclaiming yourself he is going to up the ante. He has a vested interest in keeping you broken and confused.
He is not going to be happy about your coming into clarity.
Take care, Shan.
nlj
Well-Known Member
Hi Shan
Telling your story is helping you to see what's wrong I think, and showing you that you do not have to tolerate your husband's abusive behaviour or your adult children's mirroring of his behaviour. That is often the case for us here I think - getting it out in the open helps us to realise that we are stuck in a situation that is not acceptable and leads to us to find a way to end our part in continuing to feed a cycle of unacceptable behaviour.
Your children are all grown up. It is time for them to all move out and find their own place to live and their own place in life. They will find that there are not many people out there who will tolerate their current behaviour or want to be around them.
Your husband needs to realise that, if he does not change his attitude and start respecting you, then really he does not deserve to have you as his partner.
It's time to start reclaiming your life and respecting and valuing yourself. I think posting your story here may be the start. I hope you find some peace and start planning a positive future for yourself. You do not have to live like this.
Telling your story is helping you to see what's wrong I think, and showing you that you do not have to tolerate your husband's abusive behaviour or your adult children's mirroring of his behaviour. That is often the case for us here I think - getting it out in the open helps us to realise that we are stuck in a situation that is not acceptable and leads to us to find a way to end our part in continuing to feed a cycle of unacceptable behaviour.
Your children are all grown up. It is time for them to all move out and find their own place to live and their own place in life. They will find that there are not many people out there who will tolerate their current behaviour or want to be around them.
Your husband needs to realise that, if he does not change his attitude and start respecting you, then really he does not deserve to have you as his partner.
It's time to start reclaiming your life and respecting and valuing yourself. I think posting your story here may be the start. I hope you find some peace and start planning a positive future for yourself. You do not have to live like this.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Read Cedar's post again and again. She has your husband figured out.
If respect is earned, then he has a long way to go. But, yes, it was a cruel thing to say.
I hope you think hard about what to do, if you want to stay, if you want to check out the domestic abuse shelter and what you are willing to put up with from your son. Changing yourself makes others HAVE to deal with you in a different way. It throws them off their game.
LucyJ's post is also good. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Only you can answer that question.
If respect is earned, then he has a long way to go. But, yes, it was a cruel thing to say.
I hope you think hard about what to do, if you want to stay, if you want to check out the domestic abuse shelter and what you are willing to put up with from your son. Changing yourself makes others HAVE to deal with you in a different way. It throws them off their game.
LucyJ's post is also good. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Only you can answer that question.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Shan, we are thinking about you, and wishing you well and strong. There will be times when you will begin to think you must have been wrong about what you thought you heard, or about what your husband really meant. Reclaiming your sense of valid self will be a process like that, where there are times you are certain your assessment was correct and then, just as certain that you were mistaken. If you can try just to hold the intention of cherishing yourself, and of giving yourself time, that will be helpful, I think.
Cedar
Cedar
Shan, there is a saying that floats around the 12 step groups, "you're only as sick as your secrets." Once the secret "comes out" the healing begins. By opening the door here for the truth to come out, yucky as it is to see, you are beginning the process of change, of healing, of growth. It is a big change and you're displaying enormous courage to stop the abusive ways your family treats you.
One step at a time. We get there one little step at a time.
And, we're all here for you Shan. Many of us have been the victims of abuse as well.
You've landed in the right place. Hang in there. It WILL get better.
One step at a time. We get there one little step at a time.
And, we're all here for you Shan. Many of us have been the victims of abuse as well.
You've landed in the right place. Hang in there. It WILL get better.
I went to my first counseling session. My primary doctor had spoken to her and she agrees that his assessment is right on. I'm depressed bc if my life. Not chemical imbalance or anything else. I have been doing very good not reacting to him . I walk away or say I'm not going to fight with you bc I know your trying to get me to feel bad about myself and I won't allow it. I do my stuff at home but I tend to try not to have much interaction with him. I know it is driving him crazy . He has tried everything. Being super nice when he calls from work . Not calling at all, as if this bothers me. I am doing me now and I know he is going to get worse until he realizes he won't break me. I don't know if I want to be married still but I can tell you it will be a fight when I leave bc ( I don't mean this in a mean way) if he wasn't married to me he wouldn't have the things he has. Owning a business it' was business my father stArted. Money we have was my inheritance . Being married to me he has had many opportunities he never would have had and he knows this. So financially I will be fine. His father died last year I helped his mom with a lot I have stepped away. He doesn't like it but she is miserabke and for my well being I had to. He doesn't like I'm getting stronger and doing my own thing. I even went for movie night and slept over at my daughters. Now I hsve him confused bc I don't think he knows what to do bc he is losing control. He knows if I leave he has much to lose but if he is willing to go to counseling mb it will work . As far as my boys I have stopped doing laundry etc and I barely cook. They have no clue whTs going on too. Please pray I can keep my calm but I think I'll be able to bc I'm at the point where I just do not care anymore . It's time I focus on me. ThAnk you all everything you have saud deep down I knew. Glad I found you all
Good for you. Glad to hear you are starting some counseling, it help you fine tune the skills you need to deal with what you are going through. It sounds to me like you have a good grasp on focusing on YOU.
Wishing you all the best as you continue on.
Wishing you all the best as you continue on.
Bravo Shan! You've done a wonderful job of making some very serious changes. Stay the course. Changing will likely elicit some unwanted responses from the family , however with your counselor to help you and your own willingness to change and your lack of an attachment to it turning out a certain way ( like you have to stay married) it looks like you're on your way to a better life FOR YOU. Great job!
SeekingStrength
Well-Known Member
Shan,
This is great. You can keep this going. Put yourself first.
A good friend of mine has a husband who sounds much like yours. I heard her stories for years and it was difficult to hear. He was/is very controlling. They are still married, but the dynamics changed when she just quit caring.
She would get money out of the ATM and he would call her at work, furious. For years, she never did that. HE told her what she could spend for decades. She turned her paycheck over to him and he gave her an "allowance". She had to ask for any extra money.
One day, she decided to did not have to live like that. She told me about it weeks later. Like you, she brought more money into the family than he.
Though I THINK I would walk away from her marriage, I certainly do not know. I do know this. Once she stopped listening to his rules, putting up with his tirades, she is much happier. While I would not to be in that relationship, it is a bit more equal than it was for years and years.
Again, it seemed to happen after she just quit caring about his "rules". I think he treats her with a bit more respect these days.
This is great. You can keep this going. Put yourself first.
A good friend of mine has a husband who sounds much like yours. I heard her stories for years and it was difficult to hear. He was/is very controlling. They are still married, but the dynamics changed when she just quit caring.
She would get money out of the ATM and he would call her at work, furious. For years, she never did that. HE told her what she could spend for decades. She turned her paycheck over to him and he gave her an "allowance". She had to ask for any extra money.
One day, she decided to did not have to live like that. She told me about it weeks later. Like you, she brought more money into the family than he.
Though I THINK I would walk away from her marriage, I certainly do not know. I do know this. Once she stopped listening to his rules, putting up with his tirades, she is much happier. While I would not to be in that relationship, it is a bit more equal than it was for years and years.
Again, it seemed to happen after she just quit caring about his "rules". I think he treats her with a bit more respect these days.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Checking in, Shan.
We can be here for you as you grow stronger and unfold. Really, that is what we are all about, here on the site.
:O)
Being here, right here, for one another as we let go and grow and grow and grow.
Cedar
We can be here for you as you grow stronger and unfold. Really, that is what we are all about, here on the site.
:O)
Being here, right here, for one another as we let go and grow and grow and grow.
Cedar
