Plz help with consequences asap! Rap boy

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Arttillygirl, Oct 15, 2008.

  1. Arttillygirl

    Arttillygirl New Member

    Well hello friends, you dear people who didn't not answer the phone when I called or didn't return calls when I called or looked at me down your noses when you saw me or gossiped about my parenting when I needed help, You people are wonderful.
    Rap boy who you may remember is doing much, much better. we went through hell from the end of 9th until end of 10th grade and he was hell bent on getting out of the private school where I taught if you remember. Well I found a charter/college high school program that has been a Godsend. It allows him heaps of freedom in dress and diversity but allows him to get college credit for the last two years of high school. He is currently at 3 79s and the rest all his classes are As! So there is something to be said for being in the right fit.
    He is sliding back into his ways with the foul mouth rap now that the newness of having a car and going to college classes has worn off. Now it's just hard work at a commuter community college atmosphere and he is understandably a bit lonely. But so happy!
    Well we found pornography and told him it was time for a few warnings. Aside from being grounded he was told if he produces any foul music for the internet his equipment will be locked up in storage until he leaves the house. Of course his comment "How much does an apt. cost?" We discussed all that and also said if he is involved in any sex, drugs or drinking in his car it will be sold immediately. He seemed compliant.
    Today I read text messages that revealed his true self again. He was planning on having sex after school at our home.
    I took care of the girl pretty handily with threats. The flippant, foul language and the laze faire attitute towards sex was shocking! I told her I locked the messages and would send them to her folks if she came around my son again.
    Now I still have his phone but am reasonably sure she is out of the picture.
    What should the consequences be?
    Should he be driven to school on the days I work by his dad so he cant be home alone?
    I know he could just have sex with someone else in their car or home without us knowing it except that I activated a gps on his phone to know his whereabouts.
    Any advice would so be appreciated.
    He is 17 by the way.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am sorry - what a hard thing to deal with. I am not sure what I would do in that same situation.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey! It certainly has been a while! ;)

    Me? My kids are still small, but here's what I think. You're right. He's going to have sex no matter what.

    I'd take him to a doctor that would have a frank discussion (if possible with pictures) about STD's and teen pregnancy. Then I'd spell out how much per month he'd pay in child support for the 18 years of fatherhood.

    Then I'd spell it out. I don't approve of you having sex. I would lay out the absolutes: I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOU HAVING SEX UNDER MY ROOF. If I catch you, I'll sell the car, and I will not drive you from home to school to work to home. If you're old enough to make this decision, you are old enough to take responsibilities that goes with it.

    Then I'd leave it alone.

    It's nice talking to you again! Hope all's well!

  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Basically, it's your house with your rules. That means NO SEX in your home. Period. If you haven't laid that rule down previously, I'd give him another chance. If the rule had been explicitly spelled out, then I'd make sure he had no chance to be home alone, even if that meant changing the locks so he couldn't get in when you weren't home.

    Yes, he's going to have sex. Like everything else for older teens, you can't stop it once they decide they want to do it whether it is sex, drugs or rock and roll. What you can try to stop is his disrespecting your home and property, even if that means the inconvenience of his not having a car.

    I would be sure he knows the price he could pay both physically and financially.

    I would also be contacting the parents of any girl that I know he is having sex with. I think the parents of most girls would want to know this. Besides, that may put a stop to some of his behavior -- nothing like a girl getting in trouble at home to spread the word that he's bad news because he has parents that care.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You need to set up your rules, but whatever you set up, you need to be able to enforce them and to also accept whatever he chooses to do. Because at 16, he is much more interested in making his own choices.

    We would have preferred our kids to not have sex while under-age. Hey, we would have preferred they waited until married.

    difficult child 1 has chosen to wait. But this is SO RARE that our society isn't geared to understand this any more. Sad, really. But I have had to recognise that what is now commonplace is very different from the way we were raised.

    difficult child 1 & girlfriend get married in about 5 weeks. They still haven't got their own place, because few people will rent to singles, they prefer to rent to a couple. difficult child 1 and girlfriend can't rent easily IN ADVANCE - people keep wondering why they're not already living together! When we tell them why, they look at them like they each have two heads.

    The girls - easy child was in a long-term relationship with BF1 and chose to have sex with him in his home while visiting him. She didn't talk to me about it first, I only found out when she developed a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). Yes, they had safe sex, but she could have been a lot safer. When the Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) developed I had to drive her to the doctor and used the long drive to interrogate her and tell her that if she chose to make such an adult decision, she had to also take on the adult responsibilities that went with it.

    With easy child 2/difficult child 2 we were fairly certain that she would have "round heels". She is very sensuous, snuggly to the point of being inappropriate. We knew the first boyfriend she had, she would sleep with - as surely as we knew our daughter, we knew this. We also suspected it would be damaging to him, emotionally, because she was born armed with some very deadly weapons as far as the males of this species go.
    We tried to prevent. We really did. But chastity belts are illegal and there are only so many hours in a day that we can spend lying on the floor outside her bedroom door, even with husband & I taking turns.

    Our other option was to put in as much protection as possible. "If you're going to make this choice, then you MUST take on the responsibilities."
    So we pushed the sexual responsibility. She must be careful to not be too predatory with her male. Recognise his emotional vulnerability. Also recognise that as his first girlfriend, his male friends will HATE her.

    With both girls - we got them on the Pill, we got them having regular Pap tests, regular breast checks, etc. And it was a good thing - easy child 2/difficult child 2 has some abnormal cells which have been detected, she is being monitored. easy child turned out to have a goitre in her thyroid, IT is being monitored.

    As for the male of the species - before he discovered eternal fidelity and undying virginity, I made sure HE was educated. I showed him where our condom stash is kept and encouraged him to dip into the supplies whenever he needed to. I also took them ALL condom shopping (and this also has some degree of aversion therapy to it) and discussed with them, IN the store, the various merits/problems of ribbed vs unribbed; flavoured vs plain (avoid the banana ones, they taste awful); the need to make sure that the very sensitive ones are also strong enough for the job. Also the problem of some brands being so thick you can't feel a thing.
    Hmm... maybe this is why difficult child 1 decided to not have premarital sex?

    And when difficult child 1 began to have porn hidden in various places, I sat with him at the computer and together we Googled "dead porn stars". I wanted him to understand how porn wrecks the lives of those who make it, even more than the lives of those who get obsessed by it.

    The other aspect of porn - a big reason why adolescent males get caught up in it - is the sex education. So we have taken it on ourselves to educate difficult child 1 about sex. Not just the mechanics of it, but the other things the porn mags just don't get at all: the caring, the love, the tenderness to the other person, the need to 'listen' to your partner and consider their needs above your own. A lot of these things are not easily learned, especially if you rely on porn to get the info you need.

    Males have evolved to need sex and lots of it. Females have evolved to find a nurturer and involve him in helping raise the results of their union. These two needs are almost diametrically opposed. I hear it explained very simply - men give love to get sex; women give sex to get love. At 16 he's probably already indulging in "self-abuse" as the dictionary used to describe it. In fact, if he's not, I'd be worrying about his plumbing and state of mind. That is probably why he's got the porn - to help in that department, to speed up the process. It's grotty, it's unpleasant to think about (especially for a mother) but it is the way blokes are.

    Whatever you ban, whatever you confiscate, unless you change his way of thinking then all you are doing is driving it underground.

    If you ban your child from having sex under your roof, then do not consider you have banned your child from having sex. All you've done is change the location. And without your supervision, any input, support, knowledge or safety your influence could provide, is gone.

    I remember when I was in my late teens and having problems with painful periods. I'd tried every alternative and all that was left, was to go on the Pill. My mother was totally against it. She felt that once I was on the Pill, I'd have lost the last barrier to premarital sex. So I had to get sneaky about it, because I was desperate to stop the painful periods. I figured that if the lack of contraception was the only reason I wasn't already having wild, unprotected sex, then all my mother's training had been for nothing.

    I did tell her after I'd been on the Pill for a few months and it WAS helping the painful periods. The difference in me was just too obvious - I felt freer, more comfortable, not struck down for one week out of every four.

    I'd hated having to go behind her back, but I am very glad I didn't let her disapproval stop me from getting the hep I needed.

    difficult child 1 is learning how to be a kind and considerate lover. husband is teaching him, has given him some good literature. There is a lovely website which has been very useful, if you want it I'll ask husband for the link. Of course it's all theory at the moment, but we feel it's the best gift we can give to difficult child 1 and girlfriend - for them to have as fulfilled a marriage as possible.

    Whether your son is going to wait, or not - he needs to learn that sex is about a great deal more than just hydraulics.

    Not an easy course. I also recognise that there may be cultural differences here, between Australia & the US. I've seen how friends and family have handled with with their children, this is the best I can give you. I don't know how this fits culturally in your part of the globe.

    Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with Beth, you lay down the rules and then you walk away. You will not allow him having sex in your home. If he breaks the rule, the privilages are gone - meaning phone and car - period. You know he will have sex if he wants to, but you can keep it out of your house. Finding porno is something mothers and fathers have been finding for years! You have the right to not allow it in your home though.

    One thing you said that perhaps need clarification - you said that if he had sex, drugs or alcohol in the car it was gone. I would clarify that with him. First, I don't think you can really dictate the sex in his car - I'm just being real here. Second, the drug and alcohol use should not be tied just to the car. Basically drugs are illegal and he is underage for drinking. If you find he has been doing either, in or out of his car, you should take the car. You can get a drug test kit (or a supply of them) to use weekly if you suspect he is lying. Let him know the rules up front.

    He's almost legal. You have very little time to show him how bad choices can screw up his life. Keep him on a tight leash so that you can clearly see the infractions and set the consequence. Perhaps it will make a difference.