Post from new member

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AliceD, Jan 11, 2016.

  1. AliceD

    AliceD New Member

    I am a 70 year-old grandparent with my 20-year-old grandson living with me who was diagnosed with bipolar and ADHD disorders when around age 10. He was raised in an angry, chaotic environment with his mom (my daughter) and her angry, narcistic husband (step-father to my two grandchildren). SF is very controlling of his family and my grandson treats me that way now. GS will be 21 this month and works part-time. He was so over drugged as a child that he will no longer take medications for his disorders. He is verbally abusive to me and easily angered to the point that we coexist better if we avoid each other. Year and a half ago, I served him with a 30-Day Notice To Vacate because of his extreme verbal abuse. During that month he started treating me with more respect and we were actually able to talk things out...something that doesn't happen any more. I let him stay and things went okay for awhile. Now I'm afraid to say anything (house rules are ignored) because it starts an argument and he says it's my fault we are arguing.

    As I read other entries I notice it is parents having problems with their children...two parents. I am alone and handicapped. I spent two years in a wheelchair with a slow healing diabetic ulcer on my foot. It is healed now and I can walk, but the collapsed bones in my foot will always be there. I can't drive. Living alone will cause me other problems so kicking him out is more difficult than for someone healthier, younger and stronger. I do not have another person living with me to provide moral support and help me with things.

    What I am trying to do is get rid of most of my stuff so I can move to a senior independent apartment. Moving from 2200 sq foot mobile home to a 540 sq foot apt is a real challenge. But it will allow me to get on with my life with people my age around me, and he would have to find other housing. This would (hopefully) allow us to separate without all the hard feelings and emotional stress involved with kicking him out. It's hard for me to downsize as I had a bacterial infection for over a year and it kept me weak. I am over that now but joint aches also make me in pain so any work around the house can't be done quickly.

    I am looking for counseling for myself to get me through this. He says he is going to be rediagnosed so he can get disability but hasn't followed through with it. If you ask why he doesn't live with his mother...she died a year after I bought this home (for her and my grandchildren to move in with me). My life in this house has been a nightmare ever since I bought it in 2012 and she died on Mother's Day, 2013, three months after being diagnosed with Acute Promilycytic (sp?) Leukemia.
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Welcome to the forum, AliceD. I moved your post here so you could get more responses. First, I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.

    I love your solution! What a perfect solution. You need to move and downsize anyway, and this is a natural way for him to get out on his own and start dealing with life on life's terms.

    I hope you will continue to move forward with your plans, and keep him informed of your timeline so he has notice about when the move-out deadline is.

    Keep it simple and keep it short. I recently suggested to my mother (who has her 50 year old active alcoholic son living with her and my dad) that she give my brother notice that they would be selling the house and moving to a retirement home within ____ months. Whatever that number is. She heard me, but I don't know if she will take that advice or not. I told her this: It would be the best gift you could ever give your son.

    Who knows what capabilities your grandson might discover, once he is on his own? Maybe he will stay the same. Maybe he will be worse. Maybe he will be better. He needs that chance to find out.

    And it's time for you to claim your own peace, your own place and enjoy these years of your own life. You've done all you can.

    Please work toward this with a clear mind and conscience. You deserve that. We're here for you throughout the process.
  3. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I love the idea of you down-sizing and moving to a retirement home- it's a win win for you. GS will have to move and you can live with folks your age and get some peace and quiet and also help with your health situation.

    Do you belong to a church? If so, maybe you can request help from them to help you down-size. If not, if you offered to pay GS would he help? Maybe put an ad in the paper for help with packing, sorting, etc. Salvation army is a great place to give stuff away- they will come and get whatever you want to donate. Plus it helps with their program for helping men and women with drug addictions, mental issues, get therapy, place to live, life and work skills,etc. They sell items donated to fund their program.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Alice, welcome to the forum. I am very sorry for the pain of your situation. It is heart wrenching to go through.
    This is tough. It reminds me of my husbands uncle, who depended on his daughter for help. She was a drug addict, and while she did take care of her father, she also robbed him blind.
    I am so sorry, Alice, for the loss of your daughter. Three months after a diagnosis, what a shock and a difficult thing to deal with. I am sorry.
    This is hard. No one deserves to be mistreated. I imagine the atmosphere in your home is very stressful.
    I have been through this with my d cs. They were very moody and controlling. It was easier not to speak with them. Of course, this is a manipulation. As long as they lived with me, this would not change. I know you see this.
    I think counseling will be an excellent thing for you Alice, not only will you have help, processing all of this, it may be a way that you will get help with resources to help you move.
    I am sorry, this is no way for you to live. Our home is supposed to be our sanctuary, not a place to be walking on eggshells.
    Many have found here, that our d cs fault us for everything under the sun. It is not true. It is a way to get what they want, which is free rein to go off the rails.
    I am hoping Alice, that through counseling, you may be directed to resources that could be of help to you. I think your idea of downsizing and finding a senior apartment is awesome. Please be careful of placing ads, though, there are unscrupulous people who take advantage of seniors. Word of mouth is good, if you know folks who have had reliable help, or church organizations.

    As you think this through and find ways to achieve this, I am sure you will be more at ease, and have the peaceful life you deserve. You have value and you matter.
    Stay with us dear, and keep posting.
    More will come along and offer support and share.
    You are not alone, we are all on a hard journey, together.

  5. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    HI and Welcome Alice,
    Your wish and plan to downsize is admirable and a good inspiration to me. Even if you did not have the situation with your grandson, this sounds like a good move to bring you much freedom and ease of living in the next phase of life. It takes a lot of courage to part with treasured possessions as well as superfluous “stuff” we have accumulated over the years. But it can be done. Help is out there. Start getting the word out to seek help, when you are ready.
    You already recognize this downsizing plan will be the best forward move for yourself, and in the process it will definitely help your grandson also, as it is not good for him or you for him to continue being verbally abusive and angered to the point that you must avoid each other to keep peace in the house. I hope you realize that his anger is likely not even at you, even though he is taking it out on you. He is angry probably with himself. He may have inner anger at his step father or due to his mother’s passing, or because of his mental health issues, etc. But it is still no excuse for him to treat you disrespectfully.

    You sound very patient, wise, and realistic about yourself and your grandson. You have been through a lot with your health concerns, and with the sad passing of your daughter. I'm thankful for the improvements you have realized in your healing. I’m glad you are seeking counseling to move forward with some assistance to take care of yourself safely and have some grace and peace in the next stage of your life.

    Your grandson sounds quite capable to learn to make it on his own. He has a job. He knows how to curb his behavior and act socially respectful when the stakes are high (such as when you tried to have him vacate, he came around to be more respectful.) I think your move to force the situation to separate (from him living with you) will be for the best. Do not feel guilty about your grandson, as you need and deserve to consider what is best for your health, safety, and freedom in your life.

    Best wishes for things to fall into place quickly for you. Get the help you need to start downsizing and locating a living situation for yourself. Perhaps the counselor can help or provide additional resources and options.

    Let us know how it goes. Keep visiting the forum. It really helps to build yourself up and strengthen resolve and affirm the need for detachment to being the best results for all involved. Take care.
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2016