Praying for that day......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by New Leaf, Jan 15, 2016.

  1. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It all started with a phone call from hubs cousins who live across the road from us.
    I needed to speak with them after work.
    Apparently, Rain had been up there riding in a U Haul truck with someone.
    There is a house down the road, where there is a lot of suspicious activity.
    A U Haul truck is usually parked there.
    This house is rumored as a drug house,
    for good reason, most of the known addicts in the neighborhood, hang out there.
    2+2=4, right?

    Turns out, a $1000.00 shed, still in the box, was stolen from cousins place.
    We live in a rural setting, not too many people know the area. A lane, one way in, one way out.......
    Cousins pay attention to who is going up and down our road. They heard the truck, before they saw it.
    They had their daughter in law move her car to block the truck from going back down the road, and called the police.
    You can imagine, words were exchanged. Not very nice words.
    I sat and listened to my cousins explain what had happened, shaking my head.
    Cell phone rings, it is my husband.....Son missed the bus to practice, so hubs went to get him and drop him off, and.........
    "Rain is in the house showering."

    A wave of panic washes over me.....

    "My, purse, car the house"
    I apologize and hurry my way home.

    I hear the shower. I wait in the living room.
    I go looking, "Hello?" She is outside, on the steps.
    "What happened?"

    "You tell me" she snaps. She doesn't look at me. The tension in the air.........

    There hasn't been a decent conversation since I can remember.

    I try to talk calmly, with the least words possible, about what cousins said, and of course, it is their fault.

    The tone gets uglier, swearing, and sneering.
    Her head wags side to side, that "thug style." A show of disrespect. A look of hate. Venom.......
    Mention of this same man, been held captive, she can't leave.
    Holds a knife to her throat.
    He is in jail. Beat her bad, felony charges, it was that bad.

    At this point, what does a mother say?
    I stammer.........
    "Please, can I help you get help?"

    The BOMB goes off, f-bombs, shut the f ups and why can't I just this or that, I don't listen......culminating in her charging up the steps and getting within an inch of my face screaming,
    "How does this feel, huh? How the f does this feel? This happens to me every day"
    My back is to the railing........She looms over me, jeering.
    I tell her to back off. Get away from me.
    It was extremely jarring, threatening, frightening.
    It was meant to be frightening.

    She is full of hatred and venom.
    There is no speaking with her, for me.
    I cannot say anything right.
    I try to remain composed, but I am shaken.

    After a few more f-this and f-that.
    She tells me
    "You are just using me anyways, you get to be the poor thing, the mother of a drug addict."

    HUH? I think, what does she mean? Huh?
    I get to be the mother of a drug addict..........
    then I realize, she must have gone on my computer, seen my CD page........

    Hubs comes home, and says, just stop talking already.
    Off she goes, muttering how she never had a mother, just her dad.

    I try to tell hubs, this is not helping her.
    He says she is my daughter,
    I will just tell her not to come around when you are here.
    So, as always, I am the b!tc#.....But, I know I am not, I would like more than anything,
    for my daughter to be whole again.
    I know that helping her, is not truly helping her.
    I know that she is triangulating, hubs does not see this.
    I am not safe, in my own home.
    This is unacceptable.

    I get to be the poor thing, the mother of a drug addict.

    To my eldest daughter, who may, or may not be reading my posts......

    I have loved you with all of my heart from before you were even born.
    This has been the most difficult time of my life, the hardest thing, seeing the misery and pain you are in.
    You have great potential, there is a purpose and meaning to your life.
    It is up to you, to see that, and to find it.

    I get to be the poor thing, the mother of a drug addict.

    I am here, on this site, trying to make sense of it all, trying to figure it out.
    I have made mistakes in parenting you, I am not perfect. I am sorry.
    I did the best I could, under sometimes extremely difficult circumstances.

    I love you.

    But, I will not take on responsibility for the choices you have made.
    I am sorry, for what is happening to you.
    It is sad, and devastating.

    I get to be the poor thing, the mother of a drug addict.

    The truth is, I would rather not need to be here,
    pouring my heart and soul out, on these pages.

    It is not what I imagined for you, or for me, what is happening.

    I wish with all of my heart, that you would find your way out of the despair of it all.
    I believe you can.
    I pray for the day, when I can say that you are clean,
    not using, have escaped this abusive relationship.

    No one deserves to be mistreated.

    No one.

    Not even me.

    "I am your mother", I said, "Are you really?", you shot back.
    Disgusted look on your face.

    You have not looked at me lovingly for over 20 years now.
    20 years of.....this.

    You know what?
    I am more bewildered, than hurt.

    More disgusted with drugs, appalled at what has happened to the daughter I know and love.
    I know more than ever, now, that only you can help yourself.
    I am thankful for this place, that I can come and get all of this out.
    Otherwise, it would be a poison inside, slowly killing me.
    I have found solace here, some peace of mind.
    A way to do what I need to do, without losing my mind.

    I am grateful, for the help I have received here.

    It has allowed me to breathe again.

    I get to be the poor thing, the mother of a drug addict.

    How I wish, that were not true.

    I love you anyway.

    I will continue to pray, that one day I will be able to talk with you again.
    Have a decent conversation.

    Until then, I will live my life as best I can.

    There is nothing I can do, or say, to make it better for you.
    It is up to you, to want to walk down a different path.
    To see your purpose.

    I do not want to be the poor thing, the mother of a drug addict.

    That is not up to me, it is up to you.

    I love you,
    I will no longer allow your choices to destroy both of us.

    I have the rest of my life to live, and I will live it well.

    I hope the same for you.

    I pray for that day......

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Leafie. It's creepy when somebody you know follows you here and reads what you say. For me, it limits what I say.

    Is there any way you can get your husband on the same page as you? Counseling? He should not in my opinion allow her to talk to you that way. My husband would have had to have been restrained if he heard my kid speaking to me that way and he would not allow her in the house without her being at least respectful to me. Your husband is not helping Rain and is causing strife between you and him.

    Leafie, I just finished reading a short book about a man who was a drug addict for twelve years. It is both from his point of view and his father's, who sadly died shortly after the book was finished. It is a kindle book and the man tells a lot about how drug addicts think, as does his father. It has a happy ending and is a true story. If you are interested, the book is:

    "A Walk in His Shoes" by Dustin John and Dallas John
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  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you SWOT. I am mortified.
    It is early morning here, hubs went off to work. I woke up to try and talk with him. He has been depressed, angry and sullen. I know Rain is using this to drive a wedge between us. I explained to him that I know he loves, her, and is sad.
    He was not home, for most of the exchange. I told him that it was not fair, that I cannot feel safe in my own home. I do not know if he will listen, or not.

    I talked with my Hoku, she is worried, and has much sadness, because her father dotes on Rain, and ignores our easy children.
    They are all understandably hurt and bewildered.

    I am hoping and praying, that he will see the light.
    I have no control over what he decides.

    Meth psychosis.
    That is what I see, Serenity.

    Thank you Serenity. I will order the book.

    Please all of you, if there are any strange posts.......
    I do not know what to say, I am sorry.

  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Do not apologize. You have seen the depths of her sickness/addiction. Your husband is not allowing himself to see it. At some level he knows the truth, but is not willing to "feel" the anguish of acceptance.

    I sometimes lament the fact that I have had to face things on my own, but on the plus side, I am not caught up in a triangulation battle. My heart goes out to you.... such a hard place to be.
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  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Pas, I am okay, but feel unsafe.
    I will talk with my hubs this afternoon. I want to make a police report and get a restraining order. BUT, HE needs to be on board with this.......Thank you for your kind words.
    I get to be the mother of a drug I am going for the pulitzer prize or something.
    Drugs suck.

  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    Drugs are a thief. They steal our children, and turn them into monsters. Drugs steal our sense of safety and security. Drugs impact our family, friends and neighbors in many negative ways. And drugs alter our childrens' perceptions of reality, so that we cannot reach them.

    Leafy, what hubs did to you is absolutely wrong. He MUST put you, your health and your safety, ahead of whatever he is thinking about his daughter. You are his WIFE.

    Somehow he has to understand that what drugs have done / are doing to his daughter, makes her no longer his daughter. Not that he has to stop caring, but he has to stop "feeding the monster". All he is doing is helping her destroy herself... AND in the process, destroying you. He will end up with nothing - no daughter, and no wife, if this continues. I have no doubt that the daughter has "objectified" you - you are no longer a "person" but an "object", something that stands in the way, and she doesn't care if the "object" gets destroyed. You are no different than a door, or a car, or a wall or a tree... if it's in the way, who cares how you get rid of it.

    Drugs are SO EVIL.
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  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You are absolutely correct Insane 100%. I can only hope that what I told my hubs this morning will sink in. She lied to him and told him his cousins blocked them in down the road, they were not here, by the house. BS.
    I am hoping that with the help of his cousins and the truth, he will see what is happening.

    After 20 years of on and off mistreatment, 15 or so more ON, then off. I am NUMB. I am not a THING. I am a person. The is NO reciprocation of love, just menace and hatred.

    I AM DONE........

    Drugs are evil, the Devils poison.

    Thank you Insane

  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Leafy...all I can say is my heart aches for you and your whole family, Rain included.
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  9. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    I felt so sad for you when I read your post. I wish I could give you more words of comfort as the advice and support you offer to others on this page is so caring and helpful but after reading all the posts I think you are on the right track with your decisions. Ps it is 4:30 am in Australia and I am awake worrying about my daughter.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Rosie.
    I spent a lot of time worrying about my two and my grands. I finally realized, the worrying just prevents me from living, and does nothing for them.
    We end up taking all of that negative byproduct of the addiction and internalizing it. It becomes a sickness for us, and we slide down the slippery slope with them.
    This is no good, Rosie. I do not mean to sound preachy because I have made many mistakes, myself, but looking back, I wish I was tougher and knew more.
    I would have done many things differently, the big one, stepping back and viewing myself as a separate person, with my own life to live. It is hard when our kids go this route.
    But we do not need to do anything, they know what they need to do.
    The longer we worry and pine, the more entrenched we are in their addiction, the less likely they are to get help. I think they feed off of our worries, it becomes a tool for them.
    A weapon.

    We have to get in control of our lives and step back from theirs. We cannot do anything for them, that they can't do for themselves.
    I am learning, slowly. Trying to pick up the pieces of this. I do not ever want to go back to the hell it got to.

    I want my two to be free of drugs, but they have to want that, too.

    By knowing that, and doing my best to live well, I think that is the first and foremost thing to do. Show by my example, how to live well.

    My Rain looked at me with such hatred and said
    " You think you are so high and mighty." I said "No, I work, pay bills and care for my family." I am just a normal person.
    She rolled her eyes.
    Her normal people are drug addicts.

    am despised for my stance against drugs and enabling.

    It has been years of this.

    I want my life back. I intend to work hard at getting it back. I have been focused way too long on this stuff.........

    Take care, Rosie and thank you so much for your kindness.

  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Lil. It is hard, so very hard. But we will get through this, we have to.
    I don't know what to say about Rain. She needs to get help. We have tried. It is up to her. I am not cold, just very, very tired. 20 years is a long time. I am tired of the abuse. Tired of the lies and manipulation, tired of all of it.
    May God help her, I obviously can't at this point.

  12. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    Your words are always so true. Thank you
  13. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Leafy dear,
    You know Na `Olelo No`eau … Hawaiian proverbs.
    Ina po`i kai ia `oe, e `au me ke au: If a wave pulls you into the water, swim with the current …. When you are going through a rough time in your life, hang on until the worst is over.

    We cannot resist and fight it, for it will wear us down to defeat. Stay calm in the flow to stay afloat. Take care of yourself to stay safe.

    No time to write more as getting back from lunch now. You are in thoughts and prayers. You are going to be alright.

    I like the painting The Paddler by Leo Hone that suggests the image of when we are so tired and losing hope, there are other hearts and spirits supporting us to keep us hanging on, keep us paddling on (being the "paddling mom" that you are.) I don't know how to upload the painting here on this message, so I am sending to your inbox.

    Kupa`a me ka lokahi e. On this site we are strong together, like-minded and understand.
    E ikaika, sister. Malama pono. ~ Kalahou
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    Last edited: Jan 15, 2016
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Leafy - so sorry you are going through this. Gosh who in the world would want to be the mother of a drug addict??? It is hardly a badge of honor!! Her comments just show how distorted her thinking is.

    And you have shown us over and over how clear your head is when you think about all this stuff. I hope your talk with hubs is productive and he can be supportive and get on the same page as you. That is one thing with spouses.... Sometimes it takes time to get on the same page but it sure is easier when you are.

    So hang in there!

  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Aloha Kalahou
    Mahalo nui for your kind words and taking time during your lunch break to respond. I truly appreciate this. It is akin to swimming through rough currents. I am better today and am hanging in there.
    I wish I could help my daughter with her predicament, but she does not want the help. It is true, I need to stay calm and keep focused on what I can do.
    Thank you Kalahou
    I am praying as well for my girl to find a way to be alright, too. One day.
    It is a beautiful painting. Thank you.
    This is so true. This site for me has been like the iwa rigging that binds the iako to the wa'a. Strong, yet giving with the stresses of this journey. I am very thankful to be able to come and post, otherwise, my heart would be heavy with grief. Mahalo nui. Me ke aloha pumehana.
  16. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    New Leaf- when I read what you daughter said to you "you poor thing" it makes me think she is really jealous of you. She seems to have a strong bond with her dad- and he her. I do believe because of her feelings she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband. She sees herself as daddy's girl and she knows you are on to her will hold her accountable for her drug addiction and behavior.

    I am sorry hubby isn't on board with you- and tends to take her side vs. yours. I wish you and hubby would go get counseling so that you and him could be a united front and also to find out why husband tends to take her side over yours.

    Personally I think you need to make a big beautiful badge and wear it proud because it takes courage to be a mother of an addict- the hell our children put us through mentally, emotionally and physically.
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  17. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you TL. I can only hope that she will take steps to get clean. I do not know what it will take for that to happen. I was puzzled at her statement. I felt the same way. I am truly grateful for this site, I have been blessed to be able to share what we are going through. Keeping it all in, surely would have meant my downfall.

    Thank you TL. He is pretty set in his ways. It would be nice to agree.....but I can only control my own decisions. She does not act the same way to him (of course).
    I do not want to be subjected to that type of behavior. I also shouldn't need to fear my house being broken into and things stolen. Sigh. I hope he will come round, especially for her sake.
    Thank you TL
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I don't know about jealous, it is more that I am "in the way." I think she feels I am looking for attention and pity, by posting here. It is her story, too, as well as mine. This is not something one wants broadcasted. I do not think she has any idea of how devastating this is for me as a mother, how much it hurts. I do not think she understands that writing here, is not for exposure, it is a way to release the anguish.

    I have always had to be the one that has to "be the bad guy" and put my foot down, set the boundaries.

    It is usually when hubs is not around, so he does not get to see the interaction, and all of the disrespectful behavior. It is really hateful.
    As the first born, she has always been her fathers favorite. She is usually more quiet, like he is. I also think, it is hard for a father to see his daughter go through this.
    It is hard for me, too, but we are at different places on this road. I understand that helping, is not helping.
    She is 36, she has got to figure this out. She is living a very dangerous life.
    I wish that too, but he is not the "counseling" type. Old-fashioned. Think Archie Bunker, without the prejudice. Or, Fred Flintstone. I do not mean to sound disrespectful, just real. He is a mans, man. That sort of thing.
    He does not see any value in "talking things out."
    It is what it is.
    For now, she is not allowed to be here, when I am home. Huh. Not much of a solution, it still makes me seem like the "bad guy". At least it will avoid confrontation. I can compromise with that. Maybe her love for her father, will help her to see the light? Maybe this kindness he offers her, will help her see.
    It is loving detachment, this does not mean we have to cut our d cs off, completely.
    They need to know, that we love them, and we do.
    They are hurting just as much as we are, more. They are ill.
    She is able to have a decent relationship with her father. Not me.
    I am not able to sit silently and listen to the story of her being beaten, and held captive.
    She has been very disrespectful to me, to our home. It is unacceptable. It has become such an antagonistic relationship, I cannot be around her, while she is using.

    I just pray, before it is too late, that she will find a way to choose recovery.

    I really don't even think that crosses their minds, what we go through. I do not think it matters to them, as long as they are using. The only thing that matters, is the next fix.
    Everything else, is just in the way.
    As for the badge, it is affixed on my heart.
    I feel a bit stronger, then the last encounter, but am haunted by the sight of her, in such a state.
    I am saddened, that she despises me.
    I miss my daughter.
    I love her.

    Thank you IB
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    In your own home you need to feel safe, be safe.

    If you are in danger from anybody, you need to be protected, to protect yourself. You know this. You have told the same thing to me.

    I know a mother who has joint custody her 3 children with an ex-spouse who beat her and abused her severely. When each of them drops off and pick ups the kids they do so at the police department. The two ex-spouses are never alone without a neutral party, like a social worker. Everybody understands the need for this.

    I see your situation in a parallel way. The interaction between Rain and her father needs to be away from you and your house, until you feel you are safe from her. That means no threats, insults, no privacy violations, accusations, etc. Or any other thing that distresses you. To read anything on your personal computer, too, is abusive.

    As you well know your husband is not helping Rain by accepting her on her own terms. There must be a way to support him to understand this. But more than this is the need for you to speak to him your truth. It seems you are saying you feel violated in your own home. And he is enabling your daughter to do that to you and to him.

    I agree with Insane, that priority number one is communication between you and your husband so that each of you understands and accepts the other's needs and wants and sets up a plan about which you agree and commit to, to keep your home and you safe.

    Your husband needs to see his daughter, that is clear. To my way of thinking he needs to see Rain away from your house if Rain is abusive to you. To allow her to continue treating you this way is not good for her, or you, or really for him.

    Because in a sense your husband seems to be choosing Rain over you. It may even be set up this way, by Rain. She is diminishing her father, and diminishing your relationship and she may be doing so deliberately. In a sense, he more than you, is her victim.

    There is nobody in the house who is not being hurt.

    Is there a way that you can communicate to your husband how you feel, and if you feel you cannot do so without support, get that support, either solo or with him?

    In a family system, one person cannot change things alone. There has to be a shared stance towards problems, a shared understanding and acceptance of what is a problem. That begins with communication. If at first nobody wants to listen, keep talking. If that doesn't work, get help.

    To accept mistreatment or to accept that others tolerate your being the victim is not good for anybody. It is to martyr oneself. We all do it sometimes. While there can be a kind of moral superiority in this, as I well know, it is good for no one in the family in the long run.

    As Cedar says, it is a role, it is not real. Everybody in the family gets frozen in their own roles. It takes courage to speak up. But if we speak up for ourselves we are speaking up for everybody.

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    Last edited: Jan 15, 2016
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Copa, you are right. I have tried to talk with hubs, it is falling on deaf ears. He is not ready, to see it for what it is. I will keep talking with him, to try to find a better solution.
    It is hard, he is very stubborn and set in his ways. More so, since his heart surgery and illnesses. It is an uphill battle.
    I do not want to be a martyr.
    He has an entirely different perspective. What am I to do? It is the same for many who post here, different places along the journey.
    I cannot control how he feels, or what he does. Only myself.
    Everything you wrote is true, and this is the more difficult aspect of how addiction affects the family.
    I know Rain is triangulating.
    He does not see it.

    Does anyone else experience this with their partners?

    Thank you Copa, I appreciate your honesty. It is true what you wrote.