Processing Fear & Asking for Advice

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by seek, Jul 11, 2017.

  1. seek

    seek Member

    Yesterday it was anger, today fear . . .

    I have many techniques I use to combat fear - EFT, mantras, prayer.

    I am looking forward to learning more techniques moms/grandmas use on this page.

    I heard something about a list of things to prepare you for anything and I would like a link to that if anyone has one.

    How to deal with someone showing up on your doorstep late at night (which is torture for most moms/grandmas/family members)?

    What kinds of things do you tell yourself about the alcoholic/addict that give you peace (in place of fear)?

    I don't want to write my fears down today because I do feel that puts me in a fear cycle - I will just say I had specific fears about the alcoholics well-being and concerns about how I would handle bad news or someone showing up on my doorstep late at night/or in bad shape.

    I got a message recently saying "I'm in rough shape," and when I responded, there was no answer and then he asked if I could "come get him" (but I had no idea where he was). I texted someone else who went out looking for the person and found him - he was in the mountains, ran out of gas, and drunk and this was at night. He has had medical emergencies before so to get one of those messages is terrifying to me. I need to know how to prepare myself for unbelievable circumstances. Just thinking about this puts my stomach in knots.

    How have moms/grandmas dealt with this kind of thing without going crazy?

  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I give impossible situations to the universe. It really gives me a lot of peace. Your grandson knows how to call 911. The medical professionals can help better than you can.

    "Call 911. I love you but there is nothing I can do." What on earth could you do for him if you could even find him?

    Teach him to reach out to those who can really offer him assistance. You cant.

    Remember, we need to teach them appropriate places to receive care. If he is bad enough off he will do it. If he doesnt do it, hes not as bad off as he wants you to think.

    Hugs :)
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I hear you suffering so much for your grandson and all YOU can really do is let him know that you love him - I'm sure he already knows this.

    Same as with moms, you cannot fix him. You cannot make him do the right thing. Nothing you say or do will make a difference. He will do as he pleases.

    If love could fix this none of us would need this forum! We all love our children over the top and that is why were were on the internet frantically searching for....anything that we had not thought of that existed in the universe....when we found this forum!

    I hope that you take care of yourself and find some peace and happiness in this very short life we all are given!!
  4. seek

    seek Member

    I had seen some reference to a list of stuff to keep by the front door and another list to keep by the telephone. I am looking for tools.

    My grandson evidently had 11 months of sobriety and the relapses are recent. I was not prepared. And in between the relapses are promises and sobriety - and again, he is on the young side, so when he is sober I have hope. I don't think my reactions are abnormal. I am writing about them to process them and to get additional coping tools.
  5. seek

    seek Member

    On the late night text I received: I really don't know how to emotionally handle these things . . . I have also had him show up late, in bad shape, on my doorstep. I don't have a partner to bolster me up or to brainstorm with, so to me, these occurrences are unbearable - I can't plan for them and I feel helpless to know what to do (I also struggle with what is morally correct, besides what is practical - it's hard to wrestle with these ideas at night when you are tired and in an emergency situation).

    I can't imagine just going to sleep and not wondering what became of him. So, from that perspective, it seems hopeless to me, and then thinking that sets me up for a conundrum that I cannot figure out. These situations are what I am asking for help with (actual tips).
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Most of what I've learned about recovery is that in boys they don't normally see much until 23 years of age or older. This seems to be true more than not from what I've witnessed.

    This has put my son at a great disadvantage since he is almost 22. They really need to be sober for at least a year, I'm told, for any kind of change to really happen.

    This is a marathon and not a sprint. The longevity of it is just exhausting.
  7. seek

    seek Member

    I have to say I have another family member who creates intense dramas at night, and I have no issue just ignoring her - but I don't have the emotional love connection with her that I have with my grandson . . . so I need tips from people who have emotional love connections with their alcoholics/addicts who act out.

    The two circumstances are completely different. Thanks
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I'm sorry; I do not know how old your grandson is so trying to share what I've learned on young adult males and addiction.
  9. seek

    seek Member

    Thanks - he is mid-twenties, give or take.

    I am looking for tools and tips to use 1) dealing with him during "emergency contact," 2) dealing with my own strong emotions of fear around his health and well-being when he is in active drug/alcohol/mental health crisis.

    I had been using a mantra that "today is a good day to die," because that was a big fear - and my beliefs are actually that death is a return to "pure positive energy" (Abraham Hicks) or that we are here on Earth in Earth School . . . I want to elevate my fears to greater spiritual ideas - it's really the only relief that works for me.
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I would always use this as my mantra, "You're a smart boy, Im sure you'll figure it out."
    This was when problems were thrown my way as if I'm the one who now should find the solution.
    The only way he'll ever learn how to live his own life is if owns his circumstances. I had had enough of enabling him to the point of my own trauma. When I gave up, pretended not to care, is when he changed things for himself.
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  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Telling him to call 911 is in my opinion the best advice you can give him, far surpassing anything you can do. My son lives in another state. The times he was in crisis, i called 911. He stopped calling with crises. My feeling is he wanted to scare me. He did.i felt 911 was the bestI could do. I would have done the same in my house.i am not capable of handling medical/psychiatric problems. Or addiction. I have no training. 911 is my tool.

    Your grandson is not as young as I thought. He is old enough to take care of his needs. And you are probably too old to handle all the stress. You can always call a crises line 24/7 if you get too stressed out. I have done this too before I got myself more together.

    I love Abraham Hicks, Dr Dyer, Dr. Moody etc. There are so many. I truly believe we all return to our spirit home. Have you ever spoken to a gifted medium? Those experiences convinced me death is not scary or tragic, just another journey. But I would still miss a love one who with my younger loved ones that would not help me.
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  12. seek

    seek Member

    He has never lived on his own - been in jail, rehabs, sober living for the past five+ years. My fear centers on his lack of survival skills combined with his severe alcoholism. I know lots of alcoholics, but he is the only one I know who is verging on homelessness and extreme self-destruction - and he has amazing gifts and skills - so it's all a real loss - but I understand it is not "my" loss, though it feels like it because I love him - I wish I didn't love him, honestly.
  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    A lot of alcoholics are homeless.

    If grandson was in jail he has some survival skills. I cant imagine any of my adult kids doing okay in any rate, your grandson is choosing not to use any of his gifts, as all addicts do.

    Its always sad when talented young people throw it all away for addiction, but there is truly nothing you can do for him, not even in a moral way. Taking him in usually just delays any recovery they may do if they dislike their lives. Your grandson is clearly not learning from rehab or jail or being in your home. He is theonlynone who can figure it out. I am sorry. If love could cure it, noneof us would be here.
  14. seek

    seek Member

    Yeah, I know that.

    I was talking about me and my reactions. I want to find additional tools and skills so I am not so vulnerable to him and his decisions.

    I have let go much more in the past - It's hard when I feel hope - after a period of sobriety.

    Anyway, going to focus on learning new techniques to deal with him.

    Thanks for sharing to call 911 - usually when he texts me, I text him a block of numbers: detox centers, suicide crisis line, etc. He has never asked me to come get him before - I hope he never does again, but if he does, I have to be prepared. The hard part about that one is that he was in distress and no one knew where he was . . . I would have a hard time getting a call like that and then just going back to my life without ever knowing what happened to him. I can't "not care" to know in such a case. It is just impossible. Especially at night. That's just me and the way I am made and the fact that we bonded (read "Attachment Theory" if you haven't already - in childhood it's a positive, but in adulthood all of a sudden it turns negative. No one talks about that).
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I dont know if 911 can trace your location by cell or not. You are assuming he truly doesnt know where he is. Addicts lie. If he was drunk, which is possible, he may not know where he is, but thats because...he is drunk. No emergency. You cant do anything.

    I was very codependent on my oldest when he was a little boy. He was the love of my life. If he looked sad, my heart broke. One day I read the title of a book: Toxic Parents and read it. It was a brilliant book on codependence and living your life through your child(ren) and how damaging this was to both.

    I knew how damaging it was to ME.

    The book sort of made a lightbulb go off in my head. It was an aha!! moment and I was able to pull back. I was still codependent toward people, but never again to that point. Thirty years later? I have four adult kids (one with a form of autism) and a very dear three year old granddaughter. I would die for any of them, but I dont need to know everything they do in order to feel peaceful. I dont need to talk to them every day to feel close to them. I am closest to my husband, really...oh! And my doggies! Nothing beats a dog! Do you hsve one??? Now that the kids are on their own, my focus is more on me and hubby. And doggies!!!

    Dont get me wrong. I love hanging out with kids, especially with my girls (daughters and grand) but I can wait, and dont need to know all about whats in their heads. I dont check their Facebook. I rarely check my own Facebook.

    Seems you are probably codependent on your grandson. It can be stopped. Did you ever read codependent No More by Melody Beattie? Its very good :). Try it! And adopt a dog! They are so soothing.
  16. seek

    seek Member

    I read Toxic Parents long ago.

    I have read most of Melodie Beattie's books - and was in CODA and Alanon for years. Not a fan.

    I think the label "co-dependent" is pathologizing. Human beings are inter-dependent on each other - and yes, there are unhealthy relationships and relationship patterns that come from inner child wounding.

    I have spiritual beliefs about who shows up in your life - some are "love connections" (part of your soul family) and some are not such intense connections.

    I don't have the same feelings for any of my children - can take them or leave them and am not tortured by them, despite some of the things they have done (I have been hurt by them, because I was the family scapegoat, but when they make their mistakes, it doesn't pierce my soul).

    Anyway "more will be revealed" when I croak. I do believe that for sure.

    Yes. I have a dog who is the sweetest boy in the world.
  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Wow. My kids are really my everything. That and my husband. I was and am the family of origin scapegoat, except for my grandmother (i was very special to her) and my brother is a goodhearted person who probably never said a mean word in his life. But he moved far away.

    My family was small (at least those that we saw) and i didnt have much to do with mother and sis most of my life. My kids love me and are not fans of my family of origin so it made no difference that Mom and Sis and a quirky uncle that Mother worshipped picked on me. We had nothing to do with them. It was a blessing. Now though I see why you are so attached to your grandson and I am very sorry your kids joined the family scapegoating. Very sad.i get it more now. I cant tell you how sad that makes me feel.

    I was in CODA and it helped me tons. But its not for everyone. I know that

    On the soul family, i was listening to a YouTube video today about soul family and it said that your soul family is not your human family but your guides and angels whom you spend many lifetines with. (I dont know if all who connect to the spirit world think this. I will explore. I am very actively learning about the spirit world and practice the spoken of techniques to peace...and all this has done wonders for me). I get more out of this, which I believe with all my heart, than I got in therapy. It changed me faster and better and my anxiety level, which was always high, has really settled down as I am no longer afraid to die. That lack of death has made me calmer about everything.

    Anyhow, i am very sorry again that your family made you the scapegoat...and were able to bring your kids into it. Thinking about that almost makes me cry. Its very cruel. My heart is with you. Only a sick family has a scapegoat.
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2017
  18. seek

    seek Member

    Your understanding about scapegoating and your kind words about how that would hurt coming from one's own children is validating and healing for me (as you can imagine, having been a scapegoat yourself).

    My mother was the one who started the pattern with me - I figured her out early and did not allow her to hurt me further (when I could avoid it, which was not always, but I got better at it). She lived till almost 97 and I managed her care and entire life for 11 years. She trained my kids to disrespect me, but they had other reasons, as well (very complicated).

    When my grandson was first discovered to be alcoholic, we attended a church based "therapy" (not trained therapists) - and I had told one of my kids I was afraid of being scapegoated (because I could tell it was starting to happen). In the next session, it did happen and SHE joined in! It was devastating, but I don't play that role anymore. I will be completely alone rather than take on that role again. I won't let them hurt me like that again.

    Two of my kids are very mean, bordering on evil :) - I do think alcohol brings you down to the level where lower entities can take hold.

    I love you are listening to YouTube vids about soul families! And I love angels - they give me lots and lots of comfort. I was asking for help from angels last night because I don't know what's going on with my grandson and I need strength. I do feel they are available. I always feel comforted when I ask for their help.

    Thanks for understanding about scapegoating! Glad you retired your role. Sounds like you have a nice family!
  19. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I was lucky. They dumped me so I was freed. I would never have taken on a caregiver role to my siblings would have had to do it. My mother was never nice to me, even when I was small. She didnt visit me when I had major surgery and I was glad. I did not necessarily feel obligated due to DNA. I adopted three of the most previous children ever and know that DNA has nothing to do with love or in my opinion obligation. If someone is unkind to me....and this is even moreso now....I dont feel I owe them anything. My mother had brain cancer at 75. By then she was a stranger to me, having refused to see me for over a decade for no reason that anyone could say, but I think I know. I forgave her in a medium reading and love her very much now. I know she is sorry and I was not a model is okay now. I pray with love to her now. But she did hurt me very much...a lesson, I am sure. As is my sister. She is not a bad person to others. She just doesnt like the way I am and I like me now. I can change myself to a point, but I am unwilling to have to think about every single word I say. I am done, at least in this life, with trying. I took her back at least ten times after she dumped me ten times. I am a slow learner with those I love. But I am done.

    My kids grew up seeing them snub me. My Mother didnt even meet my two youngest kids ever. She could not poisen them. They saw how she treated me and they are protective of me in their way. My two youngest daughters dont even think I should have anything to fo with my oldest son because he can be mean. But I love him. I understand them not wanting to have anything to do with him, but I have to. Myother was nithing fo them. It was best.

    The good news is I have a happy, peaceful life free of most drama. My husband is very chill person and rarely gets upset. My three youngest kids are low drama, nice, great kids. My oldest is drama, but he doesnt phase me much anymore. I dont see him...just the phone. My husband...i love him more each year. I do not know many husbands as wonderful as he is.

    I feel very blessed. In the end it was a gift to be scapegoated and to get away and to learn forgiveness. I truly have no malice toward anyone now....not on earth or in spirit.

    Well, thats sbout it. I wish I could hug you and tell you that I understand and that you are a very worthy spirit...that you are strong and kind and caring. I hope you can still trust. There are good people.
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2017
  20. seek

    seek Member

    Thank you.

    I also had major surgery (in hospital ten days) and my mom did not visit me! And the hospital was only 1 mile from her house. She was taking care of one of my babies, so maybe that is why, but it hurt me.

    My mom was very evil to me but I had a very strong sense of responsibility to my dad (who was a wonderful person) and felt a moral obligation to not abandon her. I felt I could crush her and did not want to do that. Probably karma.

    Your husband and family sound wonderful.