Progress report. Grades. Ugh! (long)

[DazedandConfused]

You know, so much drama happens sometimes; there just isn’t the TIME to post about it all. Anyway, I saw this thread by BusyWend and it sums up my week with Daughter exactly.

BusyWend says:

Problem is: I just do not know what to do from here. We have tried everything. Every punishment possible, every talk possible, counseling, medications (still on Adderall - it helps and she admits it) at school counseling, IEP, hounding her about homework, not hounding her about homework - and on and on. We have tried it all. I just do not know of anything else to try. This will be the 3rd summer she spends at summer school. We have begged for them to fail her in the past and they just will not do it.

I got Daughter’s progress report in the mail on Weds. I was crushed.

Geometry: F
Child Development: A (she LOVES the teacher)
English ll CP: C-
Biology: F

Her school is on a Block schedule that is why there are only 4 classes. After three miserable years academically (and emotionally) I thought she was making a come back in her first year in high school. She made honor roll even (she was so thrilled). But, she failed Spanish (HATED the teacher)the first term this year. Like BW I have done everything. Hound, not hound. Etc., etc., and blah, blah, blah. The girl is nearly 16. Like another poster said “they don’t connect the dots”. Daughter must be one of those who is dot connecting challenged.

Anyway, Daughter was at a friend’s house and I went to pick her up. I waved the progress report in front of her when she got in the car (she saw the look on my face and knew something was up). She looked, didn’t blink, and said “well, I’m getting a C in English”.

I exploded.

A combo of PSTD, frustration, and exasperation. After years of encouragement, calm support, SSTs, and clinging to a thread of hope, I let the lion loose.

She had no excuses. She claimed ignorance and confusion. Oh, and “throwing away assignments” because teacher never asked for them. She has excellence attendance and one had two absences from one class because of MD appts. So, that is not an excuse. However, she constantly has herself embroiled in school drama. The latest being that a girl is very angry with her because Daughter is talking to her boyfriend. She gave her a nasty note and claimed to have “connections”. Apparently, another girl had taken some video with a camera phone of Daughter talking to this other girl’s boyfriend and had shown it to the girlfriend.Daughter is now freaking out and claiming she has a "stalker".

That’s just one incident. But, it’s constant drama. I have talked until I’m blue in the face with Daughter about extracting herself from this type of stuff and also giving her some great come backs and advice on how to handle this type of thing so it will stop. But, everything I say is dismissed (Of course, I’m the Mom and I’m an idiot and don’t know what it’s like today, blah, blah). However, she seems to seek it out. I have talked to her therapist about it, but there doesn’t seem to be any workable solution available to us. Mostly, therapist thinks it’s about maturity. Plus, she has anxiety, which compounds everything.

I teeter between involvement (probably over) and complete detachment. Neither is acceptable to me. Compete detachment “feels” like I’m giving up on her, leaving her to drown. Too much involvement is frustrating and, frankly, I don’t have the time like I did when she was in middle school (where the grassless path still remains from my many treks down to the office). Son is in the middle of Neuropsychological testing and we have two more appointments (all day) until testing is completed. Then, I will have meeting for the results. Plus, son is having testing done by the SD and I have meetings for that because he will be starting middle school next year. That is a whole another post regarding Son and middle school.

While I have been writing this, I think I have come up with a plan on how I’m going to handle all of this and keep my own anxiety in check. I am also moving the library AGAIN next year (three years in a row). Thankfully, it will be the last time because it will be in the brand new, and best of all, permanent building. So, that is also on my mind. Oh, and did I mention as I write this, workers are here trying to finish my new house addition? Son is currently sleeping on the couch because of all of the construction. We should be moving into it in the summer.

Okay so here is the plan.

I’m going to make email contact with Daughter’s guidance councilor and touch base about requesting an SST (Student Study Team) for Daughter. That way I can meet with her teachers next year and hopefully make a connection with them.

For this year I’m going to email (best way for me to communicate) the two teachers in the classes she is failing and at the very least make contact.If they don’t respond I will telephone and I will give them my phone number in the email if they want to contact.

My goal is to keep contact on a weekly basis with them and in a general way know what is going on in class so that I can support Daughter’s schoolwork at home.

Here’s the kicker: Daughter wants to be a teacher. Adamant that she is going to college, where she is going, and that she is going to graduate. Talk about not connecting the dots!

She’s a good kid for the most part. No major behavioral problems at school. I suppose I get so angry because she has so many advantages I never had. I wasn’t a great student, but I certainly didn’t fail my classes. I know, I know, she's not me, but I feel so resentful at times at her seemingly disregard of how D**N GOOD SHE HAS IT!

Anyway, any further insight, opinions, and comments are welcome.

Whew! I feel better.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Oh, yeah. You could be me, a few years ago.
Same deal. EVERYTHING was a major crisis with daughter. If there was no real crisis, she invented one. Failing classes left and right.
And she was "such a good kid". Church youth group, taught vacation bible school...and she had aspirations to be a child psychologist.
She messed around so bad the last year or so of school, cutting class, running away, stealing the car, put in inpatient twice, she barely graduated.
It pains me to watch her now. She's been out of school a year and no longer desires college. She is living with her boyfriend and is happy working at a fast food joint.

I had the same issues that you are facing, back when she was in school: Am I too involved? Should I back off completely? Is that irresponsible? I've lived through it and I still don't have the answer.
Sounds like you have a good game plan. I do hope it works for ya.
Man, these kids...they think we were born old...

 

[oceans]

What are the consequences from the school for failing? Will she need to go to summer school and make up the classes? Will she need to spend another half year making them up before graduation? Maybe she will not graduate with her friends. Some consequence should get her attention if she knows. Could the guidance counselor talk to her about what those consequences might be?

One consequence at my easy child's high school is that if they get below a C, then they loose their off campus lunch privileges. This did the trick with him. He got a D in Spanish and lost his off campus lunch privileges. Before that he was coming home at lunchtime with friends and playing video games and eating. He worked real hard to get those privileges back!!!

 

[skeeter]

I wish I knew the "magic" pill!!

NL called me to tell me his midterm grades yesterday. A in English - which is great because the teacher wants to bump him to AP next year. B's in everything else EXCEPT Algebra II - D in that. He said he needs to talk to the teacher because he thinks one of the grades is incorrect - the note says he had a 40 on something and he swears he didn't. That may be....
But he's SO bad about handing in homework, it could be the reason for the D.

He really wants to be a veternarian, but I've talked him into going for the 2 year vet tech program instead. I just do not think he can handle the pressure of vet school in two years - and living in Ohio the ONLY one he can apply to is Ohio State, one of the top ones in the country! He has the smarts, but there's no way he has the dicipline for that type of program.

If he doesn't learn to hand in his homework, I have no idea WHAT we'll do with him!!!!

 

[Wiped Out]

Dazed,
Sounds like you have a good plan-hope it helps. I know how frustrating it can be-easy child has struggled the last two years and not because she isn't capable-I'm hoping we have her on the right track heading into high school next year.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

I also know how frustrating this is!!! difficult child 1 is extremely bright but will only do the work in classes he really enjoys and for teachers he really likes. I recently got his grades in the mail too. He is currently flunking French. He has a 52 average. He was also failing a computer class, but decided to pass in the homework at the last minute, and now has a 92 average.

The bottom line is that we tried everything under the sun to try to make difficult child 1 complete his assignments. His therapist finally said that no matter what we do, it isn't going to matter unless difficult child 1 decides on his own that he wants to do well in school. Unfortunately, his therapist is right!!!

All we were doing by trying to get difficult child 1 to do well in school was making our lives more of a living H-LL than they already are. We decided that we will only discipline difficult child 1 for his poor choices, behavior, etc. at home. We no longer discipline difficult child 1 for school issues. We let difficult child 1's teachers and other school staff handle all school related problems.

The one thing that we decided to do was to allow difficult child 1 to take college level computer courses and receive college credit for them. Our goal is to get difficult child 1 to be a productive, self-sufficient member of society. We're hoping that by allowing him to develop the one interest he has, he'll be able to get a decent job working with computers even though his high school record is horrible.

This breaks my heart because I know how smart difficult child 1 is. He is losing out on so many opportunities and limiting his future in so many ways because of his poor choices. He is another one who can't connect the dots.

I hope your plan helps your difficult child. WFEN