Progress, Wisdom & Fun!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HeadlightsMom, Jan 2, 2015.

  1. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Reflecting on some very kind comments from many of you on this site. Words about my being able to step back, detach (with love) and enjoy life. Welllllllllllllll............sometimes. It's a work in progress.

    Deep honesty? This "raising difficult child" stuff knocked the wind right out of my sails for years and darned near sunk me. I was born fairly optimistic, outgoing, etc. But, damn..... raising difficult child's ain't for sissies. You all know exactly what I mean.

    I was talking with a very close friend who knows our difficult child well (they're our emergency contact, also, so....they know). She understands. Her brother is a difficult child. She is the salt-of-the-earth best kind of a friend one could have. Anyway, I related some about difficult child's latest. Found I didn't have to go far because all I really have to say these days is, "You know.........same ol', same ol'." But then I said, "Maaaan, weren't we just badass all these years?!" LOLOL! My friend and I laughed (and I mean uproariously!) for minutes on end! I don't mean that to say that we were so awesome or that difficult child was so not-awesome. I just mean it like you'd say it to the survivors in the movie "Poseidon Adventure". Remember that? Now that was some BADASS survival stuff there!

    Candor coming.........

    The first 3-4 years after we adopted difficult child (oh, let's say, 1996 - 2000) I was optimistic and energetic. Then the next 6 years (2000 - 2006) I felt bludgeoned and sinking.......bleeding ulcer, had to quit my job (after the gazillionth police call about our 10-yo, my boss said, "You need to pick.....your job or your kid"........I picked my kid and felt good about that). I was a mess. difficult child's problems were devouring me.

    The next few years saw a revolution of change within me -- a combo of husband showing me his way, and me reclaiming my way.

    husband's way ----- Move on. Don't stay stuck in the moment (U2's song "Stuck In A Moment" became a reminder anthem for me). And, most importantly....... Bad stuff in life will always happen. That's life. We can either live with ONLY that bad stuff, or we can choose to cram a LOT of good stuff in-between that bad stuff. The choice is ours. husband is about the most resilient, bouncy, happy person I know. I like his way!

    My way ------ Deliberately, intentionally, consciously choose forgiveness and gratitude (the learning not to go to extremes of anger or enabling has taken me years to learn.......Radical Acceptance!). I forgive fairly easily. Not a grudge-holder by nature. But I am a deep, deeeeep feeler of emotions, so that hurt takes me time to work through. And, mid-process, choose humor! (Exhibit A: "Fa la la la la la la"). Humor helps me and takes the edge off. Endorphins really do increase with laughter.......and I'll take every stray endorphin I can lasso in! (she says, now picturing rodeos!).

    We either get busy living or we get busy dying. With my strong emotions, I can stay mired in hurt or sadness for days after a difficult child incident (still my tendency). But I have also learned that it is precisely my strong emotions which buoy me during difficult child storms.

    So, difficult as it's been (how's that for the euphemism of the day?)..... I am actually a better person for having difficult child in my life (remind me of this when that is NOT how I'm feeling! LOL!). And, in all probability, he is likely a better person having me and husband in his life.

    So, in the long run, despite the maelstrom of crap, we're all better for having each other.

    Like I said, remind me of this when I'm just not feelin' it! Hahaa!

    As for moving ahead? Well, in the immortal words of Seinfeld's Kramer (2nd time quoting his recently!)..... "G-g-g-g-giddy-up!"

    PS --- My favorite Seinfeld bit I love to quote when difficult child storm his......... George: "The sea was angry that day, my friends! Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli!" :D I
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  2. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Thanks I needed that laugh and will remember the quote!
  3. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

  4. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I love it HM! You have such a great attitude. I could only hope to achieve half of that one day. You are a true survivor, seriously. I don't think you truly understand how strong you really are.
  5. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    GM --- Thank you! But, ya know, I was gonna say almost verbatim those EXACT same words back to you! Only I would add...... When you say......

    You're already more than half way there. We all are! The rest is right around the bend for all of us! We're all strong and we're all on the same path. And we have each other to walk it with!
  6. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Well, thank you for that. However, I am sure I am no where near where you are.....but I do believe I am finally on the right path, so that's a really good thing. I am very glad to know that I have you, as well as others, to walk this path with. I don't know if it's just me, but I get so much more from this than just being able to deal with my daughter. I enjoy being here and really getting to know you all and interacting with you all. Sure, there will be misunderstandings and we all have our bad days, it will never be perfect, but with that being said, I'm glad I'm here. It's very hard to find people in "real life" that you can relate to with the same issue's we have. Most people are very tight lipped about these kinds of things, I mean big time.
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    True statement here!!

    Love your post, love your humor and optimism.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I could have said those exact same words HLM. Humor has been my saving grace since childhood, I love to laugh and my husband, like yours, is a very funny guy who always looks for the way to find the most joy and the darkest hours with my difficult child, he would find a way to crack me up.......gallows humor for sure, but hey, laughing works no matter how you get there.

    My best friend is a funny woman time about a year ago, when she and I were having dinner, I was recounting my daughter's latest escapades with the police, the homelessness, the drama, the relentless poor choices.........there was a slight pause.......and then she said, "you must be so proud." Well, we laughed so hard.............the absolute absurdity of it is sometimes pretty funny.

    Another time, about 2 1/2 years ago during a time my daughter was staying with us with her 4 cats......... because of husband and my allergies to the cats, she opted to erect a huge green tent right outside our living room on our back patio. She preferred sleeping out there with her cats. Go figure. My granddaughter saw that tent when she got home from school and said, "what am I going to tell my friends Grammy when they ask about that tent. Should I say, my mother lives out there with her cats?" And, she and I just started laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

    Those moments are precious because it breaks the spell of the sorrow or the sadness of it neutralizes it and somehow, at least for me, makes it all bearable.........

    That is so funny. husband and I use that line a lot. Another one husband likes to quote is Elaine's boyfriend's line when he finds out he is not going to heaven.......he says to the priest, "That's BOGUS man, BOGUS." husband will say that when I say something like, "I'm not going to make salad tonight..........."That's bogus man, bogus." It always makes me laugh. That character is so funny...........

    A friend of mine used to say that the definition of enlightenment is "getting off of it before anyone knows you're on it." It makes me smile but it has truth in it. I can focus on what is not working or I can focus on what is working, the choice is always mine. I too can get mired in my hurts, a tendency I think when you're a deep "feeler"'s been a journey out of that, but gratefully, it can be done!!

    You're a breath of fresh air here HLM, thank you for your wonderful slant on things............

    Take a ride on Space Mountain for me!
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2015
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    HM, you are my hero. :) I love your attitude.

    I know the past few years have changed us too. We are so ready to be the people we were before it all began.

    I hope you have a wonderful time on the trip you are on.
  10. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    RE --- I wasn't gonna pop back online today (usually don't on weekends and we have a busy day today -- including potluck game night with friends! -- then leaving). But I saw this and knew I had to pop on and read it. BEST LAUGH OF THE DAY! HAAAAAAA!!! You're killin' me, RE! LOLOL! I read that, "You must be so proud" to husband (he's in the background putzing around doing who knows what) and we laughed and laughed AND LAUGHED!!! Haaaaa! Thanks for sharing that, RE! I'm gonna laugh about that all day now as I can so, so, sooo relate! We used to joked that difficult child was off at Yale with Muffy and Buffy. Badass, baaaaabyyyy! :D

    RE -- What? No BIG SALAD? Next you'll be insisting on a chocolate babka! "That's BOGUS, man. BOGUS!" Pudddddyyyyy!

    Lil --- Exactly! Reclaim ourselves! Once I started recognizing myself in the mirror again, I knew I was not willing to go back to that trapped feeling with difficult child. Boundaries, baaaaaabyyyyy! And, thing is, love CAN exist with boundaries. In fact, I think it exists BETTER with boundaries.

    Lastly, I swear, there really is a Seinfeld quip for everything. Tonight I leave you all with another favorite.......... "Sweet fancy Moses!"

  11. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    You know what's crazy HM, I just had memories flood back watching that clip! I use to do the Elaine dance for jokes! Wow, forgotten all about that
  12. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    GM --- Hahaaaa! Funny! Now THAT, I wish I could see! You go, girl! "Sweet fancy Moses!"