HeadlightsMom
Well-Known Member
Reflecting on some very kind comments from many of you on this site. Words about my being able to step back, detach (with love) and enjoy life. Welllllllllllllll............sometimes. It's a work in progress.
Deep honesty? This "raising difficult child" stuff knocked the wind right out of my sails for years and darned near sunk me. I was born fairly optimistic, outgoing, etc. But, damn..... raising difficult child's ain't for sissies. You all know exactly what I mean.
I was talking with a very close friend who knows our difficult child well (they're our emergency contact, also, so....they know). She understands. Her brother is a difficult child. She is the salt-of-the-earth best kind of a friend one could have. Anyway, I related some about difficult child's latest. Found I didn't have to go far because all I really have to say these days is, "You know.........same ol', same ol'." But then I said, "Maaaan, weren't we just badass all these years?!" LOLOL! My friend and I laughed (and I mean uproariously!) for minutes on end! I don't mean that to say that we were so awesome or that difficult child was so not-awesome. I just mean it like you'd say it to the survivors in the movie "Poseidon Adventure". Remember that? Now that was some BADASS survival stuff there!
Candor coming.........
The first 3-4 years after we adopted difficult child (oh, let's say, 1996 - 2000) I was optimistic and energetic. Then the next 6 years (2000 - 2006) I felt bludgeoned and sinking.......bleeding ulcer, had to quit my job (after the gazillionth police call about our 10-yo, my boss said, "You need to pick.....your job or your kid"........I picked my kid and felt good about that). I was a mess. difficult child's problems were devouring me.
The next few years saw a revolution of change within me -- a combo of husband showing me his way, and me reclaiming my way.
husband's way ----- Move on. Don't stay stuck in the moment (U2's song "Stuck In A Moment" became a reminder anthem for me). And, most importantly....... Bad stuff in life will always happen. That's life. We can either live with ONLY that bad stuff, or we can choose to cram a LOT of good stuff in-between that bad stuff. The choice is ours. husband is about the most resilient, bouncy, happy person I know. I like his way!
My way ------ Deliberately, intentionally, consciously choose forgiveness and gratitude (the learning not to go to extremes of anger or enabling has taken me years to learn.......Radical Acceptance!). I forgive fairly easily. Not a grudge-holder by nature. But I am a deep, deeeeep feeler of emotions, so that hurt takes me time to work through. And, mid-process, choose humor! (Exhibit A: "Fa la la la la.....la la la la"). Humor helps me and takes the edge off. Endorphins really do increase with laughter.......and I'll take every stray endorphin I can lasso in! (she says, now picturing rodeos!).
We either get busy living or we get busy dying. With my strong emotions, I can stay mired in hurt or sadness for days after a difficult child incident (still my tendency). But I have also learned that it is precisely my strong emotions which buoy me during difficult child storms.
So, difficult as it's been (how's that for the euphemism of the day?)..... I am actually a better person for having difficult child in my life (remind me of this when that is NOT how I'm feeling! LOL!). And, in all probability, he is likely a better person having me and husband in his life.
So, in the long run, despite the maelstrom of crap, we're all better for having each other.
Like I said, remind me of this when I'm just not feelin' it! Hahaa!
As for moving ahead? Well, in the immortal words of Seinfeld's Kramer (2nd time quoting his recently!)..... "G-g-g-g-giddy-up!"
PS --- My favorite Seinfeld bit I love to quote when difficult child storm his......... George: "The sea was angry that day, my friends! Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli!" I
Deep honesty? This "raising difficult child" stuff knocked the wind right out of my sails for years and darned near sunk me. I was born fairly optimistic, outgoing, etc. But, damn..... raising difficult child's ain't for sissies. You all know exactly what I mean.
I was talking with a very close friend who knows our difficult child well (they're our emergency contact, also, so....they know). She understands. Her brother is a difficult child. She is the salt-of-the-earth best kind of a friend one could have. Anyway, I related some about difficult child's latest. Found I didn't have to go far because all I really have to say these days is, "You know.........same ol', same ol'." But then I said, "Maaaan, weren't we just badass all these years?!" LOLOL! My friend and I laughed (and I mean uproariously!) for minutes on end! I don't mean that to say that we were so awesome or that difficult child was so not-awesome. I just mean it like you'd say it to the survivors in the movie "Poseidon Adventure". Remember that? Now that was some BADASS survival stuff there!
Candor coming.........
The first 3-4 years after we adopted difficult child (oh, let's say, 1996 - 2000) I was optimistic and energetic. Then the next 6 years (2000 - 2006) I felt bludgeoned and sinking.......bleeding ulcer, had to quit my job (after the gazillionth police call about our 10-yo, my boss said, "You need to pick.....your job or your kid"........I picked my kid and felt good about that). I was a mess. difficult child's problems were devouring me.
The next few years saw a revolution of change within me -- a combo of husband showing me his way, and me reclaiming my way.
husband's way ----- Move on. Don't stay stuck in the moment (U2's song "Stuck In A Moment" became a reminder anthem for me). And, most importantly....... Bad stuff in life will always happen. That's life. We can either live with ONLY that bad stuff, or we can choose to cram a LOT of good stuff in-between that bad stuff. The choice is ours. husband is about the most resilient, bouncy, happy person I know. I like his way!
My way ------ Deliberately, intentionally, consciously choose forgiveness and gratitude (the learning not to go to extremes of anger or enabling has taken me years to learn.......Radical Acceptance!). I forgive fairly easily. Not a grudge-holder by nature. But I am a deep, deeeeep feeler of emotions, so that hurt takes me time to work through. And, mid-process, choose humor! (Exhibit A: "Fa la la la la.....la la la la"). Humor helps me and takes the edge off. Endorphins really do increase with laughter.......and I'll take every stray endorphin I can lasso in! (she says, now picturing rodeos!).
We either get busy living or we get busy dying. With my strong emotions, I can stay mired in hurt or sadness for days after a difficult child incident (still my tendency). But I have also learned that it is precisely my strong emotions which buoy me during difficult child storms.
So, difficult as it's been (how's that for the euphemism of the day?)..... I am actually a better person for having difficult child in my life (remind me of this when that is NOT how I'm feeling! LOL!). And, in all probability, he is likely a better person having me and husband in his life.
So, in the long run, despite the maelstrom of crap, we're all better for having each other.
Like I said, remind me of this when I'm just not feelin' it! Hahaa!
As for moving ahead? Well, in the immortal words of Seinfeld's Kramer (2nd time quoting his recently!)..... "G-g-g-g-giddy-up!"
PS --- My favorite Seinfeld bit I love to quote when difficult child storm his......... George: "The sea was angry that day, my friends! Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli!" I