Radical acceptance - a brief update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LucyJ, Jun 30, 2014.

  1. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    My son's squatting community has been in violent scuffles with bailiffs this week. He is ok apart from a broken toe. The story has made newspapers and TV here. Some positive and some negative as you would expect. Homelessness and squatting creates divergent strong views from different sections of the community. They are still squatting and have gained a temporary injunction against eviction.

    I have been walking on the beach, watching the soccer World Cup, cycling and gardening.

    Radical acceptance is the only way for me that brings me peace. Practising radical acceptance is the only thing that enables me to carry on. I'm embracing acceptance of his lifestyle and hoping, but not hopeful, for a positive outcome to this latest drama.

    Thanks to COM, RE and Helpangel for your concern.
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    Last edited: Jun 30, 2014
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    LucyJ, I am so sorry. That sounds so scary. Kind of reminds me of the US when the kids gave a hang and were fighting in the 60's. Kids got tear-gassed and arrested, but at least they stood for something. Not like that here anymore.

    LucyJ, are there many older people in your son's group? I am thinking (and hoping) that this is a young person's movement and that he will grow out of it and that your hurting heart will finally be at rest some day.

    Radical acceptance is extremely helpful. It helps us accept the moment and not think about the past or future. Your son could very well come back to society one day. He isn't a drug abuser or a criminal...just has very strong feelings about right and wrong and maybe, in the long run, it will help him decide to become a person who helps others.

    LucyJ, sending you all the caring I have in my heart from across the pond. Be good to yourself.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I learn so much from your response to your son's choices.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for the update Lucy. Good job. And, I understand that it isn't easy. I'm sorry. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...............
  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the update, Lucy. I too am hoping for a peaceful and safe outcome. I think you are doing a fantastic job of taking care of you.
  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Lucy, you are an inspiration to me. I feel a kinship with you and so many others on this site, even though we are a continent and an ocean away.

    If mothers were in charge of the world, it would be a much better place (lol!).

    Because I believe that only kindness matters. And just keeping our lives simple---walking on the beach, like you posted above---getting away from "stuff and more stuff" in an attempt to find happiness, finding something to believe in that is greater than ourselves---whatever or whomeever it is.

    Last night my easy child and his fiancee came over in the late afternoon to help SO and myself dig out a 20-year-old bush that was part of the landscaping in front of the house. A few months ago, difficult child came over and helped dig out the other "matching" bush on the other side.

    This is the last of the landscaping from when we bought the house. It was too overgrown even though we have tried to cut it back multiple times.

    The roots were all the way to China. We had all of the tools out there, shovels, an axe, a pickaxe and they chopped and chopped these roots, we were all laughing and sweating and digging, and then SO put a big tie around the bush and hooked it to the trailer hitch and finally the old truck was able to pull it out. It was quite a job!

    SO was teasing easy child about difficult child chopping roots in two or three tries, while easy child was taking more tries. Gentle teasing, guy stuff.

    Then we made barbeque chicken, corn on the cob and I made a homemade chocolate cream pie and we all sat down and ate.

    It was a very nice evening.

    easy child and fiancee are coming up for the day on the Fourth to ride the jetskis with us at the lake, where we will be all weekend.

    The night before, in the middle of the night, I woke up and got upset about difficult child not being able to enjoy these times, especially at the holidays, which seem to be much harder. I got twisted up about it---the middle of the night Parade of the Terribles, and then went to Al-Anon where I was able to have enough silence and feel the simple human caring in the room enough to see that well, okay, it won't work right now for difficult child to come and ride the jetskis with us, but maybe later SO and I can take him fishing one afternoon and we'll see how that goes. difficult child loves to fish.

    I was able to see some middle ground, not just the black and white, all or nothing that I can lapse into when I get upset and scared and desperate for something, anything to change with difficult child.

    I am going to work this week especially hard to write every single morning a gratitude list. That simple act can change my attitude and my thinking.

    I haven't heard from difficult child since last week when I gave him the $$ for his RX, etc., and a note that said let's not talk until Thursday. He hasn't tried to contact me, and that space and distance has given me a chance to regain myself a bit. I have gone to an Al-Anon meeting every single day and I am going to another one today. There is a 1:1 correlation between my going to meetings and how much better I feel.

    My gratitude list for today:

    1. Lucy's post about walking on the beach, watching the World Cup, cycling and gardening. Feeling a kinship with a friend in another part of the world, and knowing that she understands and I understand---we understand together.
    2. The rain held off this morning so our running group could run our 3.1 miles. Less humid so not so hard today.
    3. The time spent with easy child, fiancee and SO last night. A very sweet and simple time.
    4. Another new day to make of it the best that I can.
    5. Work to do, things I am responsible for. The next thing in front of me.

    Blessings and hope and prayers for each and all of us today---we are in this together. That is a huge blessing to me.
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  7. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I am glad to hear you are taking time out for yourself.

    Its a shame that they are squatting and probably going to be forced to move. I have heard of people fighting the evictions for a long time but rarely do they win unless the land owner gives up. You almost wish someone who owned land would just say "move here." There is no reason for the violence.
  8. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Well they are all due in court Monday morning. I think realistically that the squatters have no chance against any rich landowners. I spoke to my son briefly today. He sounded a bit panicked. I suppose there is a chance that being evicted from his 'home' will force him back into society and lead to him getting a job and a more normal life, but if I'm honest I know that he will just move deeper into the forest and further away from modern civilisation. I just hope there is no more violence, but again that's an empty hope.

    I've just watched Argentina beat Belgium in the quarter-finals (yay!), kept my mind off things for a bit. Soccer seems so pointless and unimportant though doesn't it, when you think of the real issues we face. Makes me sad. A long wait until Monday now and then a long wait until he gets some charge on his phone and lets me know what the next instalment is in the ongoing story of 'Eco-Warrior's-Mum and Her Quest For A Peaceful Life'.
  9. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I know it's hard, Lucy. I'm hoping for a peaceful outcome either way. Sending you wishes for a restful weekend!
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thinking of you Lucy, saying a prayer for you and for your son............
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You're doing great, Lucy. And sports/movies/entertainment serve an important purpose...when our minds need a break from life's stresses, we can totally throw ourselves into them and relax. If all we did was focus on our fears, we would all die very young. None of us would still be here!!!!

    I laud the wonders of t he Great Chicago Bulls Michael Jordan basketball era for getting me through my divorce, which was a scary journey of my own choice...with no guarantees and no return.
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Lucy, keep us posted. Thinking of you and hoping Monday has a good outcome for everybody. Hugs to you, friend.
  13. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Lucy, any new developments?
  14. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Hi Alb

    Text from son a few hours ago said:

    "Typical fascists. Judge was very biased because the bailiffs are 'respectable citizens' and he assumed that we weren't, because of the way we look."

    No actual information - and now his phone is off so I can't find out any more.
    I'm feeling quite cross with him as it wouldn't take a lot of effort to let me know what was actually happening, rather than talking in political riddles. So I'm making myself 'switch off' and letting it flow over me until I hear any more.
  15. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    HAHA, that is exactly the kind of cryptic response I would get from my difficult child! Switching off here too. Thanks for keeping us posted.
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  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Lucy, what is the news media saying about the case? Is it being covered?

    I hate it when we know something is going on with difficult child, and then we can't find out what happened. I mean, there's being patient, and there's torture.

    Ugh. Keep us posted. Hope you are okay.
  17. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    4 a.m. here
    Can't sleep.
    Haven't been like this for a while and I'm annoyed with myself.
    Can't find anything online about Monday's court hearing.
    Camomile tea and a slice of cake for me now I think. Cats think it must be time for breakfast, so they're happy about my insomnia at least :) .
  18. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We've all had those kind of nights Lucy, I'm sorry, I hope you find out something today, keep us posted.
  19. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hugs, Lucy. At least you had cake (always helpful!) and cats to keep you company.

    The Parade of the Terribles is what I call the awful night thinking. When the sun comes up, it somehow helps a lot.
  20. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Phone call from my son this morning. Haven't spoken to him for a while. The squatting community position is in the balance with another court hearing imminent. He sounded well, said he'd been earning money chopping wood for a local farmer. We had a peaceful chat for a while, about ordinary things, and then he started to get worked up about social injustice and big business and the corrupting effect of money etc. Tiring. I agreed in a half-hearted way and said "mmm" and "yes I read about that" and "oh dear" at relevant intervals. He says he's going to Heathrow Airport for a few days to join a group campaigning against the expansion of Heathrow. He said they've been threatened with eviction and he's going to join in any fight that happens. I said I'd keep a look out in the news for anything about that. He said a couple of photos had been e-mailed, taken when I visited the squat last month. I had a look. They're really happy-looking! Can't believe how far I've come with this radical acceptance, and what a difference it's made to my life, my state of mind, and my relationship with my son.