Rap boy blow up

[Arttillygirl]

We had a blow up last night unfortunately. He wanted to see a PG13 movie with a friend and we didn't like the content so we asked the friend by phone if he wanted to see anything else, he said he did. husband told difficult child and he seemed fine. When I picked him up from the movie I was in such a great mood and looking forward to everyone having a nice end of the night. Well he yelled at me in front of his friend that he was 16 years old (which he's not yet) and should see any pg13 he wants to. I was stunned and told him I thought it nice of me to leave my meeting early to get him (not to mention that our paying for the movie was a reward for good behavior for the week in class, which I shouldn't have to do at 15 but thought at least he would appreciate it).

He was sullen till we dropped the friend off and then he just unleashed on me cursing and yelling. I guess husband didn't make it clear that they were seeing a different movie because the Disturbia movie was out and his friend brought it up throughout the movie (great friend)

So I understand that he felt manipulated and that this is a saving face issue with him with his friends but we said words to each other we've never said (including me cursing at him) which I apologized for.

I guess we are going to be bullied into him watching whatever he wants. I don't know what else to do. He bought more "edited" music on my account in a way he rationalized. Asking me to replace his previously allowed songs which I said I would so he bought songs I had never heard plus one I remember distinctly forbidding the video for which he agreed to delete. So we had to have that conversation Wed night and there was a medium blow up but he got over it. But he was getting his shoes and heading for the door to his bike and I swear if he could've located his money he would've ridden down to Frys and bought the CD's he wanted. He only cursed at me once that day.

We see the psychiatrist on Monday I don't really know what to tell him as far as how the Zoloft is working (3 weeks).

I am beginning the Explosive Child so maybe that will give me some direction to handle this.

 

[oceans]

I guess trying to prevent my 15/16 yo from seeing a PG13 movie is not high on my list of things to want to experience a blow up over. They are growing up, and expect to be able to "fit in" with their friends on many different levels. We can only prevent them from growing up for so long, and then it will turn into rebellion. The kind of upset you describe sounds like it is typical teenage stuff to me.

I think that explosive child will be a good read for you, and I also like his collaborative problem solving book.

 

[flutterbee]

Kids at your sons age are really coming into their own. Micromanaging everything they see and/or hear is going to create conflict such as you had. This really does sound like teenage rebellion.

It's a hard line to walk when your kids are this age - wanting to instill your values/morals and allowing your child to think for himself and come to his own conclusions/make his own decisions. In just a couple of years he will be on his own and will have to think for himself. This is their time to practice, while we are still there to catch them when they trip up. We can't protect them forever and trying to protect them too much can leave them unprepared for life on their own.

You have spent his entire life up to this point instilling your values. Maybe you could let him spread his wings, knowing you have taught him the best you could, and allowing him to mess up and do well on his own. Allow him to build that confidence in himself and rebuild the trust between your family. His choices may not always be yours or your husbands, but that is as it should be....he's an individual as unique as the rest of us.

Take heart in the fact that he didn't go into the Disturbia movie anyway...a lot of kids would have just gone behind their parents back, especially when trying to save face with friends - difficult child or not.

Having said that, it is no excuse for his cursing you and treating you so badly. Even if he didn't get to see the movie he wanted, you did give him the money to go and you did pick him up and he could have chosen not to go at all.

 

[BusynMember]

in my humble opinion this would not be on my list of "what to fight over." This kid has seen PG-13 movies, with or without your knowledge, I'm sure, and he probably DID feel funny because most kids watch them. Not saying the content is good, but at that age you really can't (I liked this word) micromanage the life of your difficult child. It's not possible. I had a really out-of-control drug abusing 16 year old and found that the more limits I put on her, the more ways she figured out how to get around them, even sneaking out of the house through her window when we were sleeping. In two years your child will be considered an adult, and it will be out of your hands. I personally would have let him go and enjoyed a peaceful night rather than go to war over it and the subsequent disrespect which let to more warring. My daughter had to decide on her own to change. I couldn't make her change. For family peace, I'd let the little things go and see what happens at age eighteen, when you have the right to say "follow the rules or find your own place" if that's what you want to do. This is just my opinion. I hate a warring house. Frankly, I couldn't have even kept my easy child's from watching PG13 movies. They would have seen them anyways. Even really obedient kids have their limits as to how much Mom or Dad get manage their lives after certain ages. I agree with reading "The Explosive Child." Also, keep an eye on escalating violence/eruptions. Zoloft can cause that. I took it and it was a disaster. I ended up in ER. Good luck.

 

[DDD]

Are you keeping a daily journal yet? It is important so the Dr.
can see the whole picture. If, for example, you tell him difficult child cussed at you because he wanted to see a bad movie...that means
one thing. If, however, you tell him difficult child asked permission to go
to a movie. He had earned the right to go to a movie. He was
going with an approved friend. The movie was PG13. You and your
husband decided that you did not approve of his choice, spoke to his
friend to change the plan AND then...your difficult child got embarrassed and
angry. Those are two entirely different scenarios.

It's great you are reading the book. It will be beneficial if you keep a journal. Most of us, however, think you and your husband
probably need to heed the advise of your Minister. You are not
trying to help him grow up...you guys are trying to retard his
development into an adult.

Truly, I know it is based on love. on the other hand you seem to be too
determined to micromanage. He needs respectful freedom. If he
sees naked bodies or blood and guts, it is not going to erase all
the years of training he has had. Really! DDD

 

[Nancy]

I have to agree with everyone else. As long as the movie was rated PG-13 I would not have made it an issue. As I've told you before your difficult child is very much like mine is and if I try to control her behavior too much that's when she fights back and will sneak around to get what she wants. It's good to have standards and PG-13 is a good standard, but if he is old enough for PG-13 movies he should be able to chose which one he wants to see.

I know it's hard to let up because if you are like me you fear what will happen if you do. But you have to let him feel like he is somewhat in control of his life, within limits.

Nancy

 

[jbrain]

I agree with everyone else--this was not worth a big blowup over. Of course, you are talking to parents of difficult children--when my dtr was 15, almost 16, I would have been thrilled if she had been going to a PG-13 movie with a friend instead of drinking, drugging, skipping school every day, having sex with numerous guys, etc.

When I was about 12 yrs old the big book of the day was Valley of the Dolls. My mom told me I couldn't read it so I made sure I hid it well. Made it that much more attractive to me if Mom said I couldn't.

Your son really is at an age where he needs to figure out his own values, he knows yours. When my dtr came back from her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (age 16 1/2) I was so worried that she would relapse that I went into micromanaging gear. It did not work, she relapsed in a big way and all it did for me was cause greater anxiety. I wish I could have seen that I couldn't protect her from making those bad choices by micromanaging her life. It only made her more devious and took longer for me to see the real situation.

Take care,
Jane

 

[Nancy]

"I would have been thrilled if she had been going to a PG-13 movie with a friend instead of drinking, drugging, skipping school every day, having sex with numerous guys, etc."

I couldn't have said it better.

Nancy

 

[guest3]

My difficult child's hate me because I blocked MTV and all MTV like channels through our parental controls. We do not allow alot of "secular" music and if we do it has to be screened. This is a battle that I consider Plan A worthy(Explosive child-ism). We also do not allow rated M games in our house and difficult child II (he's almost 16) is now for the 1st time allowed to date.

My 16 y/o can see Disturbia although he's expressed no interest, but if you have a difficult child who is sensative to gore or stuff like that then a rating doesn't mean much when you're considering if it's a go or not.

But I do agree we have to pick our battles, difficult child II cut two large holes in his new jeans today (some kinda of a fahsion satement), and after I gasped, I paused and said to myself "it's not worth it".(basket C)

 

[Arttillygirl]

Thanks all.
I am just so upset with myself. No language or behavior in the world justified me calling names too. I am just so worn out from weekly meltdowns or crisises and I thought we were doing a nice thing so I was caught off guard.

He and my husband went to see a golf tournament today and all seems well but I sure feel like a loser.

 

[oceans]

It is all a learning experience, and sometimes we all reach our limits, so don't feel bad about yourself!!! You were only trying to do what you thought was right, and things went out of control like they often do.

 

[flutterbee]

Don't beat yourself up, hon. Teenagers have an uncanny ability to make us lose all reason. Was it Erma Bombeck that said that mothers of teenagers understand why some animals eat their young? It happens to the best of us.

 

[DammitJanet]

Dont sweat it...lol. Everyone messes up all the time. One of our members here as an expression she uses that says...Sit on her lips.

Before you decide to jump and say your kid can or cannot see a movie, sit on your lips and check the rating. If it is less than R, just smile and nod...lmao. He will be so confused he wont know what to do. You can always discuss the movie with him when he gets home and get his take on it. He just may surprise you. My middle son who was in the Marines favorite movie is The Notebook! Now how is that for surprising...lol. He is a chickflick lover. He can go for a good shoot-em-up movie once in a while but he loves those tearjerkers too.

 

[DDD]

It's not easy to change from what you expect life to be like to
"what life is like". ( Some days all you can do other than
repeat the Serenity Prayer is envision how totally much worse
things could be than they really are. We have had members who
have lost children. We have a bunch who have children they love
to death still but...they are not people we would chose to be with if they were not "ours".

Once again, I might suggest that you simply (and very briefly)
tell your son. "I'm sorry I lost my temper. I love you and it
is hard for me to realize you are growing up. Sometimes I get
afraid. Please forgive me and help me be a better Mom to you."
Something short. Something that acknowledges that you are a human being, that you are trying your best, you do and always
will love him AND that you want to work together.

I'm sure its true. It might help you both. Hugs. DDD

 

[Arttillygirl]

Gosh you guys are great!
Thanks so much for going on this journey with me.

The psychiatrist has now suggested that he is OC along with the depression and increasing the Zoloft should help. He says that is why he is so obsessed with the Rap lyrics. difficult child says if he can just get the rhyme right he feels better and things dont irritate him as much. I guess I was kinda relating that to a golfer trying to improve his swing or an artist perfecting their craft. It takes long hours to become good. I never thought it was OC. I guess that's why we pay him the big bucks.

One question: when I saw the psychiatrist the visit was a follow up and it seemed like 20 min and he said he'd see us again in 3 wks. I prolonged the visit by asking him about the suicidal risk, his mood, how to handle discipline without just giving him everything he wants and filling him in on the trip to juvenille jail. He was kinda helpful but I wondered, do I get my 50 minutes or is that just for the psychologist? I was really hoping for some council but he just seemed mostly interested in the medications.
He wasn't rude or anything but what is his role exactly?

 

[flutterbee]

Most psychiatrists dispense medications only and leave the therapy to the non-md therapists. That's mostly because of the insurance companies. They don't want to pay a psychiatrist $150 an hour when they can pay the psychologist $80 an hour. In our case, our first appointment with the psychiatrist was an hour and follow up appts are 15 minutes - just to check on the medications.

 

[Arttillygirl]

I see.
I have another question. Our psychologist is $125 an hour and we need to start seeing some benefits soon. When we meet with him he spends an awful lot of time sort of joking and being very friendly and making small talk about himself and family, etc. And I have to kind of nudge the conversation back to my son.

My son never tells me what they talk about which is understandable. Just "stuff" and " he understands me" etc.
I think this is wonderful but really, we need some tools or something not just someone to listen to him for $125 a week out of our pocket (he's not in our network).

The dr. sort does a lot of encouraging when we talk to him and he "echos" our fears or grief or frustrations and says we need to get him here or we need to get him there but no real course of how.

We need to be straight with him but I am sure how.
Any advice? I am getting more help here and from books than there.

 

[jbrain]

I understand what you are saying! The therapist my difficult child 1 was seeing a few years back was really awful and I didn't have the courage to fire her--my dtr loved her. She talked a lot about her own family and she talked a lot about what she was going to do with difficult child in therapy but never actually seemed to do anything! I remember seeing her for a session by myself and she should have been paying me because she spent nearly the whole time talking about her difficult child son! No wonder my dtr loved her, she didn't actually require her to do anything and dtr had her wrapped around her finger.

I do know I got the most help for myself and for figuring out what to do from my online support groups. The therapist liked to take the credit for what she called me "stepping up to the plate" but it wasn't her, it was my online friends who taught me how to do that!

Good luck,
Jane

 

[Nancy]

What we did when this happened, and it did with a certain therapist quite often, is we both asked to see her first before difficult child went in. By bringing my husband she knew we weren't there for a social visit and we had some hard questions we wanted answered. My husband was very good about laying it on the line, he told her what we were seeing, or not seeing, and point blank asked her what her plans were to get to some of the goals we discussed in the beginning. Finally at one session we asked her if we were just throwing money away because we didn't see and change. We had no insurance coverage either and I recently added up what we spent on therapy over the years and it was over $100,000.

If you don't feel like there is any movement I would be looking for another therapist.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

Although I agree that it is important to feel satisfied with
the professional services rendered, it is also important to
understand that no matter how much it costs per hour there are NO
quick fixes. Your son has taken quite a long time to get to the
point where you feared for his future. If he feels that there is
an adult who understands him and he is making progress toward
normalization...it probably is too fast to expect big results.
DDD