reality sets in

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Oct 3, 2007.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Hi yes I want to start a new thread! thanks
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    You need to tell us what the new thread is about. Why don't you copy and paste your last post from your last thread here?

  3. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Originally quoted by standswithcourage:<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Well today brought me back to reality! I came home from school (teachers meeting, planning, etc) at 6:30 only to be greeted by my easy child 17 year old saying his Xbox 360, all his games, his CD;s , controllers had been stolen. He paid for all of this with his money. I hit the ceiling. I know it had to be one ofmy sons friends that had come into my house or even him. I called the police they filed a report and took fingerprints. They asked me about my son and I told them he was on probation. They said he should not live here. I said we are doing that. I told mygfg he needed to find somewhere esle to live and so did my husband - my husband was furious. My difficult child is not here now. He says he did not do it - he was at the dentist with my husband. No matter what - his friends did and they violated my house and my son. Reality always comes back. I kept thinking something was going to happen. I cannot do this anymore. I wanted to help but I had told my difficult child not to bring anyone into our house. It is fixing to be over. </div></div>

    I took the liberties ...

    All I can say is your poor easy child. He was victimized in his own home.

    So now what?

    Remember stands ... husband sounds like he's ready to practice tough love. You have a very strong ally to do the right thing. If you're not strong enough give him the rein and back him up.

    So now what?
  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Your poor easy child. Like you said, whether it was your son or not, it was his friends. You need to tell your difficult child that he is no longer allowed in your home. If it was his friends, these are the kind of people he is choosing to hang with. Change your locks and detatch.
  5. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Sorry your easy child had to take the "hit", but now it becomes easier for you to push difficult child out the door. Change the locks and know where the house keys are at ALL times. Don't allow difficult child on your property, doesn't matter if he did this or his friends....

    If you want to see your difficult child meet at public places, NOT IN YOUR HOME!

    Our difficult child took things from our family and we made it clear YOU ARE NEVER to set foot on our property again unless husband or I are with you at all times (even going so far as to wait outside the bathroom door).....needless to say he has never visited our home since 2002.

    Will insurance cover any of this since you did fill out a police report?
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    My difficult child stole from my easy child and other family members on a regular basis from the time he was very young. We tried everything to stop him counseling, punishments, reasoning..nothing worked. He was too young to put out so we had to keep everything locked up but that was next to impossible. My easy child is very scarred from all of difficult child's abuse. Theft is abuse and it is traumatic for the victim. I hope your easy child can heal from this violation. It seems that yor difficult child has given you no choice but to move on to the next step in tough love. I'm sending you and your husband some cyber support. The road we parents are forced to travel isn't easy.
  7. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I feel so sorry for your easy child.

    He paid for those things himself and it was stolen from him in his own home, by his own bro/bro friends

    Susan, I hope you see this for what it is and get angry enough at difficult child to stop him from being in your home.

    Your easy child is 17 and needs to be in a safe home. He is trying hard to do the right thing, please focus your attention on him now and detach from your grown son

  8. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Stands, as awful as things are now with your difficult child?

    You could lose easy child, too.

    Things are nowhere near as bad as they could get, Stands.

    I know this because it happened to us.

    Our difficult child was once a younger easy child.

    And we never dreamed this could happen to him in a million years.

    You need to take appropriate action to protect easy child, not only from the brother stealing from him or her, but from the blow to self-esteem and the injury to self concept that attend interacting frequently with an addicted or troubled sibling.

    These must be very confusing times for easy child.

    When we have an addicted or problem child, it is all too easy to slip into a mindset which allows us to take our responsibilities to our other children on the run ~ especially if they seem to be doing well.

  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I know how difficult this is, because that is the point I threw my difficult child out and changed the locks. I remember that day like it was yesterday. 2 years later, difficult child has been clean for one year, and I still get nervous if I think I left something unlocked. I still get a little nervous when he comes to visit, like I need to make sure there is nothing left out in site that he could pocket.

    I guess that is what they call PTSD??

    I don't envy you, but you can do this. Do it for your easy child.
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Sounds like it is time for you to step up for your easy child before you lose him.

    In all honesty, Stands, this sounds an awful lot like that old Herman's Hermits song: "Second verse, same as the first". You post here and say:

    "difficult child is violent."

    We say: "Lock him out".

    "difficult child steals from his brother"

    We say: "Lock him out".

    "difficult child won't get a job"

    We say: "Lock him out".

    "difficult child lies"

    We say: "Lock him out".

    "difficult child takes drugs"

    We say: "Lock him out".

    "difficult child scares me"

    We say: "Lock him out".

    "difficult child plays sick for sympathy"

    We say: "Lock him out".

    See a pattern? At this point, you want to start a new thread and not even tell us what it is about because it's more of the same. To me, it feels an awful lot like you are using us to make yourself to feel better while not doing anything to make your life better.

    While I do understand that this is a soft place to land, we're not soft in the head. At some point you should act on our advice, otherwise, it's a bit insulting to keep asking for it.
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Did you read the above post?

    Read it again. And again. Now memorize it.

    At this point, if you let him back in your house, you might as well be slapping your 17 year old across the face.

  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I am sorry things are so bad at your house. I hope things improve some how. you are being heard. it takes a whole lot of courage to call the cops on your own son. been there done that and still have nightmares when I remember all that stuff that happened.

    one more step on your journey.
  13. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    "Well today brought me back to reality!" What reality? That your son has friends that are thiefs? That they would come into your home and steal your yunger son's belongings? Don't you find it strange that they managed to do this when eldest had a perfect alibi and only took younger son's belongings ... they stole nothing of yours or eldest? I do and I wouldn't be in the least surprised to find out your eldest soon has some funds to buy more drugs with.

    "Reality always comes back." Sorry, but I'm not convinced things are even remotely different. He still lives with you. He still has the right/privilege to abuse anyone and everyone. He still has the right to use drugs and then come home to sleep and eat.

    "I kept thinking something was going to happen." If you thought htis was going to happen, why didn't you taken steps to prevent it? Such as tell your son in no uncertain terms what would happen if any property of anyone in your house came up missing for any reason? I'm willing to bet if you had and if he thought you would truly follow through, nothing would have been stolen.

    "I cannot do this anymore." Of course you can. As soon as your anger melts, it will be back to my poor baby and I have to help him, I can't just kick him out and make him fend for himself.

    "It is fixing to be over." So, when does the "fixing" end and doing begin?

    It's the same ole, same ole. We're here for you. Honest we are! But all we hear is the same thing over and over and all you get from us is the same advice over and over. Something needs to change and it is obvious our advice won't.
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    A little perspective...

    Your son is 24. When I was 24, I was divorced and raising two children on my own. Not at home with my parents. My own apartment, utilities, groceries, car payment, child care and full time job. No one was worrying about getting me to the dentist. It wasn't their job. I wouldn't have let them anyway. While I may have had zero self esteem and self worth, I did have pride.

    It wasn't easy for me. You can see in my profile a history of MDD (that's Major Depressive Disorder). I had my first episode at the age of 13. Other than 15 visits with a therapist at the age of 16, I received no treatment until in my twenties. It's not listed in my profile because I don't like to talk about it, but I also struggled with anorexia well into my late twenties.

    Your son is a 24 year old MAN, not a little boy. It's time you treated him like one. If you were able to excuse all of his other behavior, at least stand up for you son that still IS legally a boy and has absolutely no control over what you are allowing to go on in your home by allowing your other son to continue his behavior there.

    It's way past time for your grown son to stand on his own two feet. He's made his bed. He can lie in it.
  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    The others are right. You need to lock your difficult child out. Refuse to let him back in. He needs to stand on his own two feet. You owe it to your easy child to keep him safe from harm. And that means safe from his brother stealing his things that he worked so hard for. If he can't be safe in his own home, where can your easy child be safe?

    Here's something to think difficult child (17 3/4) is having a terrible time right now with rages and meltdowns and uncontrollable behaviour. Because he can't function on his own, we are going to place him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Until we can get the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement finalized, we have sent our easy child to live with relatives, so that he can be safe from harm.

    It breaks my heart that my baby isn't home with us, but we know he's safe, loved, well cared for, and not in danger of mistreatment at the hands of our difficult child.

    My little one is 5, yours is 17, but it's the same situation. You need to do whatever you have to in order to protect your easy child. Your difficult child is old enough to make or break on his own, and he will continue to manipulate you and make your easy child's life awful until you force him.

    I would also recommend that you and your easy child get therapy to deal with all of the feelings that you are dealing with. It's hard. It's extreme parenting. But you can do it.

  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Ya know something odd, I sat in superior court the other day (dont ask) and listened to several cases where the defendant had victimized his own family members. One that really hit me hard was this mid twenties young man who had 34 counts of forgery and uttering, possession, larceny, etc and was in court for a sentencing hearing.

    He had committed most of his crimes against his family! The lady who was doing the sentencing recommendations was hired by the defense but she was from some state agency. They do some sort of evaluations. This guy was a long term sub abuser who had been in and out of jail and short term rehabs for years. Even did short stints in prison. Nothing was working and he still victimized his family.

    One question the prosecutor asked this lady stuck in my mind. He asked. Ma'am...did you talk to anyone other than the defendant when making this evaluation? She said yes. He said who. She said his family. He asked what about the victims? She said sir, his family are the victims.

    What a sad thing.
  17. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Family is often victimized, because we put up with their shenanigans to a degree that non-family never would.

    It really is sad.
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: goldenguru</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Family is often victimized, because we put up with their shenanigans to a degree that non-family never would.</div></div>

    Unfortunately the other side of that coin is that it can be difficult to get authorities to pay attention and follow through, especially if charges have been brought (and dropped) before. It's just like the way they (used to?) ignore domestic violence victims. in my opinion, we are domestic violence victims.
  19. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I am sorry for being such a dumb &^%. I am just so tired of all of this. Please do not feel I am not taking your advice. It is what drives me on. My difficult child got a job at KFC. He works in the little town where all his "friends" live. I am still searching for the person that stole my easy child things. I have the police searching. My difficult child probation called yesterday and wants to see him sooner - on Oct. 9. He was so upset and thought he was going to jail - oh well - He said MOM can you do anything and I said no - it is your responsibility. He called them and they said they just wanted to talk to him - he wasnt in trouble. Whatever - I am beginning to feel numb where he is concerned. I know I should have felt that way a long time ago. Thanks for all the posts. Every day that I read them I feel stronger to do what I need to do. My husband is gone for the night and will be back tomorrow. I hate it when he is not here.
  20. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Does that mean that difficult child is still residing with you?