Realizations are hard to deal with

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kolleen, Jul 21, 2008.

  1. Kolleen

    Kolleen Guest

    Been a long week for me. I used to post here couple years ago. Had kicked B out at 17. Let him back in couple years ago when he wanted to get some schooling. He flunked out, which I knew in my heart he would. We did all the usual stuff in his high school days..... court dates, medication overdose, treatment, etc., etc. He does continue to work, even if he jumps places a bit.

    His new routine is getting driving citations. He never has insurance. He goes to court, gets fined, pays the fine eventually, if he takes too long they suspend his license, he gets ticketed again. Well about 2 wks ago he got his jeep impounded, no license. Gets that out with the help of his easy child 26 yr old bro, and 4 days later gets his other car impounded. Turns out his license was really 'instated' but paperwork had gone wrong. At least that's the story. (Don't ask why he has two cars and no insurance - EX was involved in this).

    So all this impounding $$ he doesn't have. Told him I'm done helping him, which I've been backing off since he's moved back and nothings changed in his behaviors. Just the topic changes. Deadline for getting out end of Sept.

    But it scares me this time. He's older now, taller, stronger, bad temper....... don't want holes in my house as in previous house, that's the scary part. Will he trash something???? At 17 yr it was after years of krap and then a final straw and instantly get out! I'd already given him a deadline this summer but there were unforseen circumstances and its Sept. I've found a fabulous Alanon Parenting Group for support...

    His routine will never change. he'll never have enough $, he'll never be organized, he'll never take care of things, he'll never do anything I ask him to do, etc. So I'm back here, looking for all the readings and support I can find to go thru with this.

    After last week's Alanon meeting so many realizations hit home I haven't been able to sleep till about 3am. Hate that! Hoping that will pass. One comment was about a genetic predisposition to addictive behavior.

    Tooooooooooo........ whatever. I don't know how much he drinks and does pot, don't want to. Genetic predispotition to ...... who cares. To his personality I guess. I used to try and figure out how much of behaviors was him and how much were the labels... Don't care any more. He's had those 17 yrs of good parenting and support. Nothing took!
    Thanks for letting me vent.............
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi Colleen,

    Welcome back (even though I'm sure you didn't really want to join us again!)!

    It sounds like you have come a long way in your ability to detach from difficult child's shenanigans. Good for you. And good for you for seeking further support from Al-Anon. Sometimes it really helps to have a hug in person instead of just through cyberspace.

    You have done what you can. You've stepped back. You've given him a deadline. September what? September 1st or 30th? Then what?

    I know what you mean about feeling vulnerable. I felt the same way about Rob when he lived at home during his dark years. You absolutely MUST keep yourself safe. Carry a cell phone on your person at all times. Hide valuables, etc. And don't be afraid to call the police if there is any kind of violence, be it on the walls or your person.

    Take care.

  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would suggest having a plan ready for the drop dead date. I would also suggest putting the deadline in writing, just so there are NO questions. Do you have a male friend (or two) that can be there when he moves out? That's what I did when Oldest was kicked out years ago.. she was highly unlikely to start anything with someone else there. If towards the deadline, it doesn't appear he will be going anywhere, you may need a contingency plan for that, too.

    Many hugs to you. I know it's hard to have that hope smashed .. when they inevitably go down the same old road. My Oldest is the queen of suspended licenses, by the way.. the only reason she hasn't gotten a car impounded is because she doesn't have one any more!
  4. jisduit

    jisduit New Member

    I just think is awesome that we all come back to this site for support. My prayers are with you - Maybe we chatted on here years ago

  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd realize that he knows the date he's supposed to be out, and leave it at that. There's no reason to debate it with him because he's going to do whatever it is that he's going to do anyway. I have to admit, if it was something he did that made you change your move by date, I'd be tempted to tell him to adjust his plans, because he was still moving.

    If you are frightened of him, I wouldn't say a word. If he brings it up, just reiterate that his date is such and such. When the day comes, put his stuff on the porch and change the locks. He'll figure it out.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry you have to come back here but welcome back anyway.

    To cover my hiney I would put his deadline date for getting out in writing and attempt to get him to sign it so you have proof that he was served with this knowledge in case he tries to say you cant evict him legally. Just a CYA thing.
  7. Kolleen

    Kolleen Guest

    Thanks Gang! Deadline ~ Sept. 30! I do have the new deadbolt so next time he goes off in his raging I'll be changing the lock - which I 've already told him. Tired of being treated like dirt!!! Also left the lock on the counter so he could see I had bought it and, thanks to a friend's suggestion, took the keys out. (teehee!) I could tell he'd been looking at it.

    When he was younger I kept telling myself he'll grow out of this. I suppose he might???? You'd think by now he'd have developed some coping skills. But that was one of the realizations last week - maybe he won't! Maybe he'll be a mess all his life. Have to work at accepting that I guess.

    Enjoy the peaceful little moments of your day.
  8. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Hello Colleen,
    I just want to throw something out there, that you might want to think about.

    If your difficult child was checking out your new deadbolt lock, even without the keys, you might want to consider having it re-warded. (i.e. get the innards changed so it opens with a different key than the one it came with)

    Deadbolts (even the good quality ones) are made in lots. If you check the lot number for your lock, then you can go to the store and buy another one with the same lot number. All locks from the same lot can be opened with a single key. So...if your difficult child was checking your lock for the lot number, then he might be able to go to the store, get a new key with the same lot number, and then get into your house anyway.

    If the lock was not still in the package, he might not have been able to find out any information. But...just one more thing to be careful of.

    I'm not sure how devious your difficult child is, but better to know ALL of the possibilities ahead of time.

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I was going to say what Trinity told you - Take the thing back - and exchange it for some other lock at some other store. I used to make keys - and that's all I'll say 'bout that. But Trinity is VERY right.

    Don't you just want to pick him up and shake him till his teeth fall out? ARGHHHHHH.

    I think the hardest thing I had to learn in parenting classes with therapy was taking the EMOTION out of my responses. I had to learn how to respond to my son with the attitude that he was SOMEONE I barely knew - and these are the rules and this is the consequence END OF STORY.

    I said it, I mean it , it's DONE. No further discussion.

    You punch a hole in my wall? Yup - there's a hole, and HERE is my cell phone coming out of my pocket and what's this? I'm not talking to you, I'm not telling you WHO I AM CALLING - And then "I need the police at XX address bcause my son is out of control and punched holes in my wall, thank you, yes I'll hold." Cop gets there - Do I want to press charges? Look at child - that is NOT my child - YES - I called you, I want him gone.

    Now writing this - and DOING this are two totally different scenes. BUT TELLING you I can do this and DOING it NOW? VERY REAL.

    It's like you have this shadow cloak your entire parental being and you say I REALLY AM TIRED OF THIS KRAP - NOW HOW DO I RESPOND to these situations? And you learn - YOU adopt a behavior pattern of 1.) I will do what I say - no more empty threats 2.) My business is my business - yours is yours and I'll help you but only if you help yourself 3.) I'm NOT bailing you out period - no more - learn to be adult. 4.) When you do things that UPSET me in MY HOME irregardless of if I love you - you WILL NOT live here any longer - where you go is on you - you knew the rules you are now gone. Kinda like a tenant in a motel mentality. If you owned a motel and the tenants did things like your kid did to your home - would you HESITATE even a minute to throw them out and tell them they were not welcome back?

    Keep going to your meetings, keep posting here - it's healthy and helpful......and find some time for you that YOU ABSOLUTELY do NOT allow your son to cross into, consume, bother - and find a way to rid yourself for those moments of any incoming thoughts about him - STOP THEM - and think of something else - even if it is just for 30 minutes a day -

    Lock your bedroom door at night. Find a boring book, don't eat anything after 9 PM and get yourself to the doctor for a check up - maybe all that's gone on you would benefit from some type of relaxer or anti-depressant? Talk to your doctor. Stress is a killer.


    and take that lock back - and DO NOT show him the one that you get to replace it. And check windows - and all ways into the house - when he moves out - alert the neighbors.

    We had a great thread about what to do to prevent kids from breaking into your house - but if you can't find it - you'll get LOADS of suggestions from us.
  10. So Tired

    So Tired Member

    Kolleen - I'm sorry your difficult child is still up to the same old crap! Sounds like your Alanon group is helping you stay strong. I'm glad you are not going to continue to let him take advantage of you and your home.
  11. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    I don't have anything to add in the way of advice, but holding good thoughts for you.

    This site is great just for the home-security tips, let alone all the other benefits. It would be interesting to see difficult child's reaction when he discovers the new locks are not the ones he was prepared for.
  12. Kolleen

    Kolleen Guest

    Thanks for all the suggestions. Am cutting and pasting some that I will take home to read and re-read as the departure date arrives.

    Yup on medications.................... I think I've finally come down from the horrible week of both cars getting impounded and what an :censored2: he was over that weekend.

    Was thinking its dumb to call the cops if he destroys something cause he'll just leave. But - THAT'S A GOOD THING! Probably could just fake calling the cops and he'd be out. We've called them in his youth. Guess I better study how to install a lock. Such a nice hobby to have!!

    It's all about detaching!!! Sad cause he's my only family contact. easy child & my family in other state and they don't even know what's up. So I'm sure that has made it harder for me to do this. Do have supportive friends though.

    May throw a cleaning party on the departure date. He'll probably behave better at that moment.....

    Do have time and fun activities for myself. That's what keeps real life from drowning me.
  13. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You said it yourself, he is bigger and stronger now. I think now it is even MORE important to call the cops then when he was young. If he becomes violent, don't fake a thing. It won't matter if he's gone when they get there. Yes it'll be good for you that he's gone, but follow through.. press charges. If you don't ... if he leaves because you call the cops and has no consequences? What is the point, what will he learn? Not much. He's likely to try again, thinking you were just bluffing.

    It's probably worth having a professional install the deadbolt, just so it's done right.

    Stay strong!
  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I am in the same place colleen! I dont even know you but the other members know me!!!!!!!!!!! anyway, our deadline for our 24 year old son to get out is August 14 - when i go back to school - what is the alanon site?
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Stands. But are you saying that your son is home living with you? Has he been clean and sober the entire time he has been home? Is it just a date deadline, or are there other requirements as well?

    Sorry for hi-jacking your thread, Kolleen.
  16. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Star, that's an excellent post that you did - I copied most of it and am putting it on a big sheet of paper to tack up in my house. difficult child is in Washington state but I'm having a really hard time detaching, and that will make me stronger.
  17. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes Star you are brilliant ( along with sooooooooooomany people on these boards) however I think your post applies to me also and I wonder how to print it and put it on my refrig? You really have to emotionally stop.......that doesnt man stop loving it means stop reacting with your emotions - that is what i have gone to a counselor about for so long - i react with my emotions toward my son because i love him and hate to see hiim miserable - but I am miserable - so it is time for me -
  18. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Stands, you can highlight the text you like, do a "copy" (Ctrl-C on a easy child), then open either a new Word doctor or a new email and do a "paste" (Ctrl-V), then print it out. I just did that myself.
  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Or, you can highlight the text, then hold the control button plus the P key, and it will bring up a print window. Select "Print selected text" then hit OK.
  20. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks my computer literate friends - I am so not that way. I will try it.