Relieved and exhausted

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Giulia, May 12, 2012.

  1. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Hello girls,
    Yesterday, I had an appointment at hospital for my ADHD stuff. It does not sound something unusual except that it is another hospital.
    I did decide about this move because with the previous hospital and the psychiatrist I had, it was such a mess that I ever moved or died. Literally. There was no other alternative.
    I kept quiet about it because well, as strange as it seemed, I felt and sometimes feel so ashamed about what happened with my previous psychiatrist that I shared it only with my mom and my GP, now my therapist and a good friend. It was hard, I didn't expect to find myself in such a mess, along with the mess for my law change. Both are exhausting, but the mess with my psychiatrist was and is still more exhausting than the fight to make a law change (an administrative fight to make a law change exhausts me less than having to fight for my basic needs to be met. As crazy as it seems).
    Like if I had to deserve the medical care I need, and boy, I hate it !!

    So the doctor was quite suspicious at the beginning, even he was a lot on the defensive. He didn't understand why did I go to a sleep center whereas I was in the only specialized hospital for adults with ADHD around. He felt very ill at ease.
    It was like a job interview, and it was hard to defend my position.
    He asked me why did I left her. I explained her about the sheltered work she thought about and already suggested one year ago, to my mom and I. Mom, of course, could not believe it. He asked me what did I fear about shelter work. I replied that it was not the word itself, but it was that she was telling me as if I were punished for having done something "faulty", and that my wish is studying law. He answered that the psychiatrist may had fear the failure about professional integration. My reply was how can we think about a failure without even trying, and that "how can we know what will happen within three years ?".
    Then, I explained her categorical refusal about updating my medical file (I asked it for an administrative medical exam). He asked me if I screamed to her. I replied that I contented myself to ask her why didn't she update it, and her answer was that it has no interest to update it. I concluded this reply by informing him that my jaw was wide open when I heard that (honestly, I could not believe such an answer from a doctor).
    At the end, he suggested me to see another practitioner in the hospital I was. I replied him that it was already done, and the previous one asked me to consciously make a false declaration in my driving licence file about my health. I refused because I knew that I could only be in trouble (it's a felony charge), and that the practitioner treated me as a liar in front of me and mom. So I could not continue with him, and I don't accept to be asked something like that.
    He asked me if he could put himself in contact with my previous psychiatrist, my bottom line was everything you want but not her.
    I concluded all the stuff with the psychiatrist telling me that "deafness has no impact on socializing". I added that I didn't study medicine at all and I'm sorry for it, but even the most humble citizen knows that deafness has an impact on socializing, so a medical doctor like her should even know more, I couldn't understand why did she say something like what she did say.

    Then, he made a research about a legal stuff for the Ritalin prescription. I could notice that the browser was slow because it was too old (they had never updated their computer software).
    He told me that my previous psychiatrist talked to me the way she did because she wanted inconsciously to put a distance with me, because she felt that I wanted to take her place. Because the psychiatrist felt in concurrence with me.
    "Maybe, but I call it judgment, and I don't go to a doctor to be judged". I can hear this position, but I don't accept to be judged whereas I go for medical care.
    I could also tell him that if we didn't need a hospital prescription, GP would had done as well and even better than the psychiatrist I had.
    He asked me as a bonus question why I was on the Narcolepsy Day Awareness in the hospital. I replied that it was because I tried to find a solution for myself, because since my psychiatrist is not confident with me and I am not confident with her, we go nowhere.

    His conclusion is that shelter work is not for me (my intuition already knew it, but never mind), and that he will follow me on occupational medicine to help me go back to study. He may also be able to help me find a job during or after my studies.
    He also concluded that shelter work is not for me because of normal, maybe above normal intelligence (no idea on what I have to think about, but never mind).
    He asked me if I was always with eyes everywhere, I was astonished on such a question. I replied on a neutral tone that yes, I was always like that, even if inside myself, my jaw was wide open.
    He also asked me if I was not exhausted to have eyes everywhere like that. Again, neutrally toned yes, but inside myself, my jaw was wide open.

    So, this physician will follow me in occupational medicine to help me with studies and finding the right job for me. I had to manage it by myself without even being able to rely on my psychiatrist (she was not kosher at all, that lady), so now, this man will help me.
    He is happy that methylphenidate works on me, happy that I could find solutions for part of my problems, and that I can be so aware on the whole stuff.
    And for the Ritalin prescription, he sends me to another physician in the same yard (this physician does not feel at ease with managing ADHD and fears about legal stuff around Ritalin).
    I hope it will work with the other physician, I am very cautiously optimistic.

    And I permit myself to be exhausted after that. This is not a sprint, but a marathon, and I should not prove that I deserve medical care when I need them.
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well if nothing else? I think you've proved some things today- You will stick up for yourself. You ARE open to some discussion and not completely immoveable about innovative treatments but feel you know what works for you. You stated what you felt were your strengths and weaknesses as it pertains to finding a better suited job, so you can find a position that you enjoy, will be good at and can make a career out of instead of just a mundane job. You found someone who seems to recognize many of the same things that you do in this doctor and seem to click with him -which is important in ANY treatment and moving forward in life.

    All in all - I'd say it was a good visit. As far as the watching and observation of people? Maybe you would be very well suited for a career in monitoring shoplifting as it pertains to law? There is a whole science on it here - and people attend university for that - and become expert witnesses for it - not just department store security. Something to think about if you are extra estute with details, and memory.
  3. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Thank you Star. :)

    The only thing I am staying with my jaw wide open is the "maybe above average intelligence". I am very ill at ease about this point, because I don't think that I am that intelligent. The IQ test I did without ADHD treatment nor diagnosis showed a 120 IQ result. I was 13 yo.
    I fear of another IQ test and it gives a lower result, it would mean that I deceit people with a fake intelligence. I feel like yeah, someone with a fake intelligence.... I don't live it well at all, especially since I had been with preview psychiatrist and have to fight to prove I deserve medical care (I know it's obsessional, but it's a hard feeling to leave, stuck inside and not wishing to leave).
    therapist thinks that the feeling of having to prove that I deserve medical care is not delusional, even if I wish it were delusional. It would make my world somehow easier to live with....
    Hard to live with, and wishing to know if I pretend to be intelligent.....
    The hardest part of living with a kind of poisoned gift.

    The previous psychiatrist was talking about shelter work, a center for mentally disabled persons to work in a protected environment, highly structured and such. It's more a place for manual jobs, and I am not manual at all (fine motor skills are hard for me).
    I am not against this idea if I could do something that I truly enjoy. But I won't go there just because of a physician's love, just because "he thinks it is right for me" or because I am punished for a "fault" I would had commit (what did I commit by the way ? Fighting to make a law change ? It has no sense to be sent at shelter work just because I fight to make a law change and I have yet no social situation for the well-meaning-person like my previous psychiatrist).
    The thing is that it's absolutely not for me. For this doctor, it's not the right stuff because of "normal, maybe above average intelligence".

    Thank you for the job about monitoring shoplifters. As far as I know, we don't have such jobs here, but who knows if I create such a job in France ?
  4. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Go to your local Monoprix, Giulia. There you will find someone watching out for shoplifters :)
  5. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I also hope this doctor is the one for you.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    G... as far as I'm aware, it would be very unusual for an IQ rating to go DOWN, except in cases of progressive diseases or traumatic brain injury. It is NOT uncommon for an IQ rating to be low, and later tests reveal higher IQ, especially if there are issues that interfere with the testing process.

    You could maybe take the IQ test that is given by Mensa or an equivalent - done privately, the docs won't know?
  7. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Hello Insane,
    I have to see the prescribing doctor on Monday, and let see if he accepts me. Normally, this center does not treat cases like mine, I go there because I am running out of solutions otherwise.
    I can get an IQ test privately. I also can read on the comment that there is a difference of 35 points between verbal IQ and performance IQ, the psychologist at that time thought that the test was misleading and that there is certainly a giftedness. However, it feels like something fake since the result is misleading.

    Now, I have to find first the right doctor, I hope it'll click with the prescribing doctor.

    This doctor is a specialist of occupational medicine and he will manage the go back to studies and the finding a job stuff. This is quite a relief. At least a solved problem....

    Malika, why didn't I think about it earlier ?? LOL
    Would you give me brand fresh new brain cells instead of my brand old brain cell left too long on the fish merchant shelf, please ?